Mother in-law hates that I'm a christian

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Bloempje

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Hello everyone, I need some advice on how to deal with my situation if you've gone through it. Or know someone who did.

So I and my bf have been dating for a couple of years and are now at the point of wanting to get married. But from day one his mother has not liked me because I am a Christian. My parents are pastors and she has accused our church of being a cult and that we are trying to change her son. She's convinced that I am not the right one for him, because I am a Christian.
But she does all of this behind my back. Whenever she sees me she won't say a negative thing. And as soon as she is alone with her son, she tries to tell him that, I'm difficult to get along, that he's getting too deep in Christianity and basically always trash-talking me etc.
(My bf became born again when he met me) She insinuates that ones we get married and have children I'm going to take him away from her. She insist on cleaning his house and doing his laundry. My bf travels a lot for work, so when he's gone I take care of his house like watering plants etc. But she has been making it such a big deal that this is her responsibility. (Bytheway he's 28) But she will never ever say it to my face. In all of this I have tried to do the Christian thing and always be nice and cordial, even buying her gifts when there is no special occasion for it. My bf has definitely tried to defend me and made it clear he's not leaving me, but it is getting to a point whereby it's too much to handle. If I was some evil gf it would make sense why a mother would act this way, but I have been nothing but good to her son and her, despite her behaviour towards me. We are not even married yet and I can't imagine dealing with such a narcissistic woman for the rest of my life. And now she's standing in the way of us getting married.. But she is his mother and I can't change that. Do I confront her or not?
 

A_Thinker

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Hello everyone, I need some advice on how to deal with my situation if you've gone through it. Or know someone who did.

So I and my bf have been dating for a couple of years and are now at the point of wanting to get married. But from day one his mother has not liked me because I am a Christian. My parents are pastors and she has accused our church of being a cult and that we are trying to change her son. She's convinced that I am not the right one for him, because I am a Christian.
But she does all of this behind my back. Whenever she sees me she won't say a negative thing. And as soon as she is alone with her son, she tries to tell him that, I'm difficult to get along, that he's getting too deep in Christianity and basically always trash-talking me etc.
(My bf became born again when he met me) She insinuates that ones we get married and have children I'm going to take him away from her. She insist on cleaning his house and doing his laundry. My bf travels a lot for work, so when he's gone I take care of his house like watering plants etc. But she has been making it such a big deal that this is her responsibility. (Bytheway he's 28) But she will never ever say it to my face. In all of this I have tried to do the Christian thing and always be nice and cordial, even buying her gifts when there is no special occasion for it. My bf has definitely tried to defend me and made it clear he's not leaving me, but it is getting to a point whereby it's too much to handle. If I was some evil gf it would make sense why a mother would act this way, but I have been nothing but good to her son and her, despite her behaviour towards me. We are not even married yet and I can't imagine dealing with such a narcissistic woman for the rest of my life. And now she's standing in the way of us getting married.. But she is his mother and I can't change that. Do I confront her or not?
I would say ... that you should not ... confront her.

She will only use that against you ... in a battle which will be out in the open, ... and where your bf is forced to choose a side.

The bible counsels that we suffer the indignities offered by unbelievers, ... and to strive to show them the love of Christ. If you want to marry your boyfriend, ... you will ask yourself at each junction ... "what would Jesus do ?". Your love is your greatest weapon ... and will eventually wear down your bf's mother's resistance ... such that she may even one day become a Christian.

Even if not, your bf will love you ... for the love you show his mother. Obviously, he is already dealing with her shenanigans. He is looking to team with you, but join his team, you will have to tolerate his mother.
 
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chevyontheriver

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Hello everyone, I need some advice on how to deal with my situation if you've gone through it. Or know someone who did.

So I and my bf have been dating for a couple of years and are now at the point of wanting to get married. But from day one his mother has not liked me because I am a Christian. My parents are pastors and she has accused our church of being a cult and that we are trying to change her son. She's convinced that I am not the right one for him, because I am a Christian.
But she does all of this behind my back. Whenever she sees me she won't say a negative thing. And as soon as she is alone with her son, she tries to tell him that, I'm difficult to get along, that he's getting too deep in Christianity and basically always trash-talking me etc.
(My bf became born again when he met me) She insinuates that ones we get married and have children I'm going to take him away from her. She insist on cleaning his house and doing his laundry. My bf travels a lot for work, so when he's gone I take care of his house like watering plants etc. But she has been making it such a big deal that this is her responsibility. (Bytheway he's 28) But she will never ever say it to my face. In all of this I have tried to do the Christian thing and always be nice and cordial, even buying her gifts when there is no special occasion for it. My bf has definitely tried to defend me and made it clear he's not leaving me, but it is getting to a point whereby it's too much to handle. If I was some evil gf it would make sense why a mother would act this way, but I have been nothing but good to her son and her, despite her behaviour towards me. We are not even married yet and I can't imagine dealing with such a narcissistic woman for the rest of my life. And now she's standing in the way of us getting married.. But she is his mother and I can't change that. Do I confront her or not?
What is her religion?
 
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mama2one

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moms are often close to their sons
since your boyfriend is defending you, should you marry he will be on your side & stick up for you

my mom talks to my brother everyday on the phone still despite him bring married
don't know what it is about moms & sons....

continue to be kind and by your examples she may become a Christian someday
 
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Bloempje

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mkgal1

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I agree that you shouldn't be the one to confront her - but your BF should. Boundaries are important - and she, obviously, doesn't see her son as separate from her (and that WILL continue to be a problem unless/until he chats with her about it). It's really difficult for an adult child to learn boundary skills when they have a parent like this - but it's critical.

Here's an article I found years ago (when I was in a very similar situation):

Quoting from article:
What should you do with an intrusive in-law problem?

1. Is there really a problem? First, every husband and wife must come to an agreement that there is a problem. This sometimes is difficult to agree upon because perhaps your spouse doesn’t see the intrusive behavior of their parent as a problem. Other times your definition of intrusive and your mate’s definition may differ. Remember Solomon’s wisdom to help in your definition: The frequency of anyone coming into your house is an important indicator of intrusion. He taught us, "Seldom set foot in your neighbor's house, lest he become weary of you and hate you" (Prov. 25:17). To fully sort out your different views will first require the two of you communicating specifically about what bothers you about one another’s in-laws. If you cannot come to an agreement concerning what to do, consider getting input from your pastor to determine what a normal in-law relationship should be.

However, at a minimum, if one spouse is uncomfortable with an in-laws’ interference in the marriage, then some change or compromise must occur. Are you willing to listen to your spouse and make the necessary changes? Or, will you resist any change or counseling help? Your reaction will determine how quickly you will be able to resolve this issue. (REST of article).​
 
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mkgal1

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Something your BF may consider is this boundaries community (it's a monthly subscription to be part of this group - but a whole lot less than counseling). It's a process of learning and not something you read an article and then just follow up:

Here's a link to the community (I think you have to use Facebook to see this): Boundaries Are Your Path to Freedom
 
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thecolorsblend

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Hello everyone, I need some advice on how to deal with my situation if you've gone through it. Or know someone who did.

So I and my bf have been dating for a couple of years and are now at the point of wanting to get married. But from day one his mother has not liked me because I am a Christian. My parents are pastors and she has accused our church of being a cult and that we are trying to change her son. She's convinced that I am not the right one for him, because I am a Christian.
But she does all of this behind my back. Whenever she sees me she won't say a negative thing. And as soon as she is alone with her son, she tries to tell him that, I'm difficult to get along, that he's getting too deep in Christianity and basically always trash-talking me etc.
(My bf became born again when he met me) She insinuates that ones we get married and have children I'm going to take him away from her. She insist on cleaning his house and doing his laundry. My bf travels a lot for work, so when he's gone I take care of his house like watering plants etc. But she has been making it such a big deal that this is her responsibility. (Bytheway he's 28) But she will never ever say it to my face. In all of this I have tried to do the Christian thing and always be nice and cordial, even buying her gifts when there is no special occasion for it. My bf has definitely tried to defend me and made it clear he's not leaving me, but it is getting to a point whereby it's too much to handle. If I was some evil gf it would make sense why a mother would act this way, but I have been nothing but good to her son and her, despite her behaviour towards me. We are not even married yet and I can't imagine dealing with such a narcissistic woman for the rest of my life. And now she's standing in the way of us getting married.. But she is his mother and I can't change that. Do I confront her or not?
Ages ago, I dated a girl whose parents didn't like certain elements of my background. Particularly the girl's father was a problem. Put plainly, he was an overbearing jerk who attempted to exert far too much control over his then 26-year old daughter. They kept talking about how "traditional" they were. So I one time angrily snapped "Traditional? When you have a dowry for me, let me know". Things went from bad to worse.

In the end, it didn't work out between me and the girl. And it had nothing to do with her miserable excuse for a father. But if things had worked out between us, I knew it would come down between me and him eventually. Sooner or later (sooner, I think), I would've needed to put him in his place. As I say, it never came to that. But eventually it would've been necessary.

My point in this is to say that your issue with your boyfriend's mother won't go away. Who she is now is most likely who she will be when (or if) you and your boyfriend get married. It may be necessary for you to lay down the law on his mother.

Honestly though, this seems more like something your boyfriend should do. I think it's his job to protect you from his family just as you should protect him from yours, if necessary. He should be able to tell his mother to step off.

Remember, when you marry somebody, you're also marrying their family. This problem won't magically go away. It will have to be confronted by somebody at some point or another. And I would add that the sooner you can deal with this, the better for everybody.
 
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GOD Shines Forth!

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I'm sorry you are having to endure this. What does the Scripture say?

"Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh."--Genesis 2:24

Despite this radical, cord-severing truth, those in the flesh manipulate and sometimes attempt to destroy their childrens' attempts to honor this edict from God.

Does your fiancee KNOW and TRULY BELIEVE the above edict? He better and not waffle because hard-nosed atheists types RARELY turn to Christ (despite fervent hopes and lots of happy-happy nonsense from naive Christians, who atheists love to toy with). Buddhism is created out of flesh, so of course she can play along with that. There is no "there" there (no Cross) to trigger the atheist hostility. She's demonstrated her ignorance by missing the gem of a daughter in law you represent! Momma may be a thorn in your marriage the whole way. Are you up to it? You will have to "count the cost".

Maybe your fiancee and yourself could marry and then LEAVE the country and cut Momma's apron strings in one fell swoop!? Can your future husband honor God here or not, without looking back? If he cannot and still cleaves to Momma, the load to bear is going to fall on you.
 
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Albion

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She's an atheist that practices Buddhism ones in a while, mainly because of my bf's step-dad.

Pentecostal

Thanks. So we know that her claims of your faith being like a cult and her basic hostility is mainly a matter of her provincialism and of her hold on her son. There is no actual theological dispute here such as may arise when one party is, for example, Catholic and the other Reformed, or one is a Jehovah's Witness or some other very doctrinaire and unique version of Christianity.

The resolution of your problem, therefore, has nothing really to do with your faith--or hers--but it's a matter of personalities. Sooooooo, can you cope with her hostility?

Some people will pick on something like religious differences when their complaint is really something else. In this case, she cannot adjust to losing her boy to a wife, and that is one of the toughest conflicts to resolve. Much patience on your part is probably needed, but there is no point in arguing religion.

Do not be deterred from marriage, but be prepared for a gradual acceptance of the fact on her part. At the present, she is hoping to keep all that from happening (or so it looks to me), but after you two are married and live in your own place, she will be forced either to swear off all contact, which I doubt will be the choice, or else accommodate herself to the new situation.
 
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GOD Shines Forth!

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"Traditional? When you have a dowry for me, let me know". Things went from bad to worse.

Lol, I love it! You probably dodged a bullet but if Papa was smart he would have warmed to you right then!
 
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mkgal1

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Some people will pick on something like that when their complain is really something else. In this case, she cannot adjust to losing her boy to a wife, and that is one of the toughest conflicts to resolve. Much patience on your part is probably needed, but there is no point in arguing religion.
I completely agree with this.
 
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BryanJohnMaloney

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Ah, she's an atheist who plays at Buddhism and you're Pentecostal. Ouch. That's a pretty painful combination, perfectly built for warfare unless both parties are full of the love of Christ (even if they don't know they're full of the love of Christ).
 
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NeedyFollower

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Hello everyone, I need some advice on how to deal with my situation if you've gone through it. Or know someone who did.

So I and my bf have been dating for a couple of years and are now at the point of wanting to get married. But from day one his mother has not liked me because I am a Christian. My parents are pastors and she has accused our church of being a cult and that we are trying to change her son. She's convinced that I am not the right one for him, because I am a Christian.
But she does all of this behind my back. Whenever she sees me she won't say a negative thing. And as soon as she is alone with her son, she tries to tell him that, I'm difficult to get along, that he's getting too deep in Christianity and basically always trash-talking me etc.
(My bf became born again when he met me) She insinuates that ones we get married and have children I'm going to take him away from her. She insist on cleaning his house and doing his laundry. My bf travels a lot for work, so when he's gone I take care of his house like watering plants etc. But she has been making it such a big deal that this is her responsibility. (Bytheway he's 28) But she will never ever say it to my face. In all of this I have tried to do the Christian thing and always be nice and cordial, even buying her gifts when there is no special occasion for it. My bf has definitely tried to defend me and made it clear he's not leaving me, but it is getting to a point whereby it's too much to handle. If I was some evil gf it would make sense why a mother would act this way, but I have been nothing but good to her son and her, despite her behaviour towards me. We are not even married yet and I can't imagine dealing with such a narcissistic woman for the rest of my life. And now she's standing in the way of us getting married.. But she is his mother and I can't change that. Do I confront her or not?

I do not believe she will hear you until God opens her ears and eyes . We are told to pray for our enemies for a reason . I do not predict an easy road but this may be some of the trials we are promised as believers . ( Think it not strange the fiery trials which are to try you . 1st Peter 4:12 ) ( Stephen was stoned to death with the consent of Saul before Saul become Paul . Can you imagine their reunion in heaven ??? ) Only the Lord knows the future but maybe she will be born again through the observance of the patience and love of Christ in you , the hope of glory . Love hopes and believes all things and it is not God's will that any should perish but that all should come to repentance . Do not deceive yourself into thinking that our enemy plays fair . But also remember that we do not fight against flesh and blood but principalities .
 
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Maria Billingsley

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We are not even married yet and I can't imagine dealing with such a narcissistic woman for the rest of my life.
There is the problem. You assume she is a narcissist because she does not understand Christianity, thinks her son joined a cult, wants to help her son with his home. Really?? It seems you may be in error here. I was on your side until you made this statement and referred to your future mother-in-law as a narcissist because she loves and cares about her son. Could it be possible that you are not showing the fruits of the Holy Spirit? On another note, a conversation between a mother and her son is far different than a conversation on a forum speaking ill of your future mother-in-law, the mother of your future husband.
Please keep yourself in check first.
Be blessed.
 
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joshua 1 9

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Do I confront her or not?
What good would that do? Jesus says: "For this cause shall a man leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they twain shall be one flesh?" (Matthew 19:5) It looks like his mother does not want to let him go. The hormones that control that sort of thing are pretty strong. She does not really have all that much control over the way she feels.
 
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