Mom may be autistic

[Beautyinsteadofashes]

Hi everyone. I was told years ago by my mother’s little sister that my mom had aspergers. My aunt said that my mom didn’t know she had it. Their parents had not wanted her to know and refused any therapy or special education.
So my aunt says. I don’t exactly trust my aunt. That’s sad isn’t it? However I think at the time she wanted to give me a reason why my mom was so Unaffectionate with me and my brother. She told me that was because of the autism.
I know very little about any type of autism. I read a little bit on google...and some of the symptoms made sense with my mother’s behavior. But the main thing I’m curious about is the detachment. My mom does not touch. Like when sometimes A person might touch the shoulder of the one they are talking to...mom never does this. No physical contact. Not with me. She does touch her grandchildren...my kids. She hugs them, holds their hands (well, when walking). So she is capable of physical contact . However, with me, she seems uncomfortable if she accidentally brushes against me. And I honestly can’t Think of a moment from my childhood where physical contact was made. Mom Never gave affection. Neither physical or emotional. She is completely distant. But that’s with me. So...I’m wondering....is the detachment due to aspergers or any other form of autism?
Now... to state the obvious ... since she is a mother...she has made physical contact with someone before. I don’t mean to be crude or anything...I’m just saying....she’s capable of touching and being touched....but never hugged her own kids. Literally never. ( well I assume she did when we were babies but I don’t remember so it really doesn’t) No kisses. No physical contact or affection. Nor emotional affection.
I’m really just trying to understand if this is a symptom of something. Or am I just unloveable? (At least to mom)

 

[Hank77]

Hi everyone. I was told years ago by my mother’s little sister that my mom had aspergers. My aunt said that my mom didn’t know she had it. Their parents had not wanted her to know and refused any therapy or special education.
So my aunt says. I don’t exactly trust my aunt. That’s sad isn’t it? However I think at the time she wanted to give me a reason why my mom was so Unaffectionate with me and my brother. She told me that was because of the autism.
I know very little about any type of autism. I read a little bit on google...and some of the symptoms made sense with my mother’s behavior. But the main thing I’m curious about is the detachment. My mom does not touch. Like when sometimes A person might touch the shoulder of the one they are talking to...mom never does this. No physical contact. Not with me. She does touch her grandchildren...my kids. She hugs them, holds their hands (well, when walking). So she is capable of physical contact . However, with me, she seems uncomfortable if she accidentally brushes against me. And I honestly can’t Think of a moment from my childhood where physical contact was made. Mom Never gave affection. Neither physical or emotional. She is completely distant. But that’s with me. So...I’m wondering....is the detachment due to aspergers or any other form of autism?
Now... to state the obvious ... since she is a mother...she has made physical contact with someone before. I don’t mean to be crude or anything...I’m just saying....she’s capable of touching and being touched....but never hugged her own kids. Literally never. ( well I assume she did when we were babies but I don’t remember so it really doesn’t) No kisses. No physical contact or affection. Nor emotional affection.
I’m really just trying to understand if this is a symptom of something. Or am I just unloveable? (At least to mom)

imho,
No one here can answer your question/s about a particular person. You really need to be very brave and just tell your mom how You feel. Don't accuse her of not being affectionate. Simply tell her that you feel that you needed more hugs and kisses growing up and that's the truth. Give her a chance to think that over for awhile, days if necessary. Then you be the one to hug her and see what happens.

 

[Hermit76]

Hi everyone. I was told years ago by my mother’s little sister that my mom had aspergers. My aunt said that my mom didn’t know she had it. Their parents had not wanted her to know and refused any therapy or special education.
So my aunt says. I don’t exactly trust my aunt. That’s sad isn’t it? However I think at the time she wanted to give me a reason why my mom was so Unaffectionate with me and my brother. She told me that was because of the autism.
I know very little about any type of autism. I read a little bit on google...and some of the symptoms made sense with my mother’s behavior. But the main thing I’m curious about is the detachment. My mom does not touch. Like when sometimes A person might touch the shoulder of the one they are talking to...mom never does this. No physical contact. Not with me. She does touch her grandchildren...my kids. She hugs them, holds their hands (well, when walking). So she is capable of physical contact . However, with me, she seems uncomfortable if she accidentally brushes against me. And I honestly can’t Think of a moment from my childhood where physical contact was made. Mom Never gave affection. Neither physical or emotional. She is completely distant. But that’s with me. So...I’m wondering....is the detachment due to aspergers or any other form of autism?
Now... to state the obvious ... since she is a mother...she has made physical contact with someone before. I don’t mean to be crude or anything...I’m just saying....she’s capable of touching and being touched....but never hugged her own kids. Literally never. ( well I assume she did when we were babies but I don’t remember so it really doesn’t) No kisses. No physical contact or affection. Nor emotional affection.
I’m really just trying to understand if this is a symptom of something. Or am I just unloveable? (At least to mom)

I'm a special education teacher. Autism is one of those things that often leaves more questions that answers. People with high functioning Autism (Aspergers is no longer a diagnosis) often will marry and have kids even if they have problems expressing any emotions, etc. So, does she have Autism? It is possible, but irrelevant really. She has a social aversion that could be caused by any number of things.
The thing to remember is that you can love her and have a good relationship even if she is not reciprocating the action. The second thing, and most important, is to never blame yourself for her actions. She seems to be consistent with her aversion of touch, etc. It isn't you. I know it is easy for me to say, but it is the truth. You have to develop your own sense of worth independent of the feelings you experience with her... that isn't the teacher talking but someone who has gone through the same cycle of blame and feelings of worthlessness. Counseling helped me quite a bit, but I am still trying to overcome the negative feelings I brought with me from childhood.

I wished I could say more. I hope this helped.

 

[Theodoric]

From what you've described, your mom clearly has issues. As to whether or not her behavior fits within the label "Asperger's" is not really important.

I have some background in this as my wife taught special needs kids for over 30 years. She once informed me that I was high-functioning Asperger's but had never been diagnosed. I said, "Well, high-functioning doesn't sound so bad."

I doubt your mother was ever actually diagnosed either, this sounds like something your Aunt has decided for herself. I've met many people who love accumulating labels to explain or justify negative behaviors in themselves and others. Because once you affix a label to something it becomes not your fault. I was going to clean the kitchen today but my fibromyalgia was acting up.

What I want to tell you is to live your own life, love your children and love your Mother as best you can and as much as she will allow you to. Whatever her issues are, I believe she did the best she was capable of doing in raising and loving you, and judging from your post she didn't do that bad a job after all.

Whatever happened that made her the way she is, was not your fault.

 

[Darkhorse]

For what it's worth, my older son (high-functioning autism) is quite affectionate, especially with me. Lots of hugging and touching. Of course, I did the same with him - and still do!

 

[Jane_Doe]

Hi everyone. I was told years ago by my mother’s little sister that my mom had aspergers. My aunt said that my mom didn’t know she had it. Their parents had not wanted her to know and refused any therapy or special education.
So my aunt says. I don’t exactly trust my aunt. That’s sad isn’t it? However I think at the time she wanted to give me a reason why my mom was so Unaffectionate with me and my brother. She told me that was because of the autism.
I know very little about any type of autism. I read a little bit on google...and some of the symptoms made sense with my mother’s behavior. But the main thing I’m curious about is the detachment. My mom does not touch. Like when sometimes A person might touch the shoulder of the one they are talking to...mom never does this. No physical contact. Not with me. She does touch her grandchildren...my kids. She hugs them, holds their hands (well, when walking). So she is capable of physical contact . However, with me, she seems uncomfortable if she accidentally brushes against me. And I honestly can’t Think of a moment from my childhood where physical contact was made. Mom Never gave affection. Neither physical or emotional. She is completely distant. But that’s with me. So...I’m wondering....is the detachment due to aspergers or any other form of autism?
Now... to state the obvious ... since she is a mother...she has made physical contact with someone before. I don’t mean to be crude or anything...I’m just saying....she’s capable of touching and being touched....but never hugged her own kids. Literally never. ( well I assume she did when we were babies but I don’t remember so it really doesn’t) No kisses. No physical contact or affection. Nor emotional affection.
I’m really just trying to understand if this is a symptom of something. Or am I just unloveable? (At least to mom)

I am a person diagnosed with Aspergers (though I disagree with the label) and my daughter's school is likewise trying to label her. One of the symptoms is being anti-touch, so your mom's description could fit.

Your mom is the way she is. People show affection different ways- some by touch, some by acts of service, some with words. Does it matter why she loves the way she does?

Like my mom... she loves me by doing my taxes. It's weird, but it's her thing. My FIL is an eye doctor so asks about glasses- that's his thing.

 

[LaSorcia]

That was really well written. You explained the dynamics very clearly.

I’m really just trying to understand if this is a symptom of something. Or am I just unloveable? (At least to mom)

It's a symptom of something, yes. But I can assure you that's it's not a symptom of you being unloveable. God, the creator of the universe, loves you and chose you. I don't think God can create something unloveable.

Look Me in the Eye: My Life with Asperger's is an account of one man's life with a spectrum disorder. It is likely not typical of everyone with this issue, but still quite an interesting read.

Prayers for you.

 

[Beautyinsteadofashes]

I am a person diagnosed with Aspergers (though I disagree with the label) and my daughter's school is likewise trying to label her. One of the symptoms is being anti-touch, so your mom's description could fit.

Your mom is the way she is. People show affection different ways- some by touch, some by acts of service, some with words. Does it matter why she loves the way she does?

Like my mom... she loves me by doing my taxes. It's weird, but it's her thing. My FIL is an eye doctor so asks about glasses- that's his thing.

My mom’s thing is to buy me and my children things and to help me financially. I understand why she does this, because her parents bought very little for her and her sisters. And what I mean by that is that they didn’t buy them clothes and shoes until what they had was literally falling apart. But they had the money to buy their daughters what they needed. From what I was told. So I get that she is -in her own way- showing love when she buys me and my kids things.

 

[Beautyinsteadofashes]

That was really well written. You explained the dynamics very clearly.


It's a symptom of something, yes. But I can assure you that's it's not a symptom of you being unloveable. God, the creator of the universe, loves you and chose you. I don't think God can create something unloveable.

Look Me in the Eye: My Life with Asperger's is an account of one man's life with a spectrum disorder. It is likely not typical of everyone with this issue, but still quite an interesting read.

Prayers for you.

I think logically I know-just as you said- that God wouldn’t create someone unloveable. Unfortunately this silly flesh lets my emotions get the best of me from time to time.

 

[LaSorcia]

Unfortunately this silly flesh lets my emotions get the best of me from time to time.

I don't think you're the only person that ever happens to.

 

[Beautyinsteadofashes]

For what it's worth, my older son (high-functioning autism) is quite affectionate, especially with me. Lots of hugging and touching. Of course, I did the same with him - and still do!

That’s wonderful

 

[Rescued One]

My grandmother and mother didn't touch us. But my mother touched babies. I don't have any answers.

 

[Beautyinsteadofashes]

I'm a special education teacher. Autism is one of those things that often leaves more questions that answers. People with high functioning Autism (Aspergers is no longer a diagnosis) often will marry and have kids even if they have problems expressing any emotions, etc. So, does she have Autism? It is possible, but irrelevant really. She has a social aversion that could be caused by any number of things.
The thing to remember is that you can love her and have a good relationship even if she is not reciprocating the action. The second thing, and most important, is to never blame yourself for her actions. She seems to be consistent with her aversion of touch, etc. It isn't you. I know it is easy for me to say, but it is the truth. You have to develop your own sense of worth independent of the feelings you experience with her... that isn't the teacher talking but someone who has gone through the same cycle of blame and feelings of worthlessness. Counseling helped me quite a bit, but I am still trying to overcome the negative feelings I brought with me from childhood.

I wished I could say more. I hope this helped.

I’m sorry you went through that. It does help knowing there are people who understand.

 

[Jane_Doe]

My mom’s thing is to buy me and my children things and to help me financially. I understand why she does this, because her parents bought very little for her and her sisters. And what I mean by that is that they didn’t buy them clothes and shoes until what they had was literally falling apart. But they had the money to buy their daughters what they needed. From what I was told. So I get that she is -in her own way- showing love when she buys me and my kids things.

Ah, gift are a classic love language Receiving Gifts - The 5 Love Languages®

 

[SeventyOne]

Hi everyone. I was told years ago by my mother’s little sister that my mom had aspergers. My aunt said that my mom didn’t know she had it. Their parents had not wanted her to know and refused any therapy or special education.
So my aunt says. I don’t exactly trust my aunt. That’s sad isn’t it? However I think at the time she wanted to give me a reason why my mom was so Unaffectionate with me and my brother. She told me that was because of the autism.
I know very little about any type of autism. I read a little bit on google...and some of the symptoms made sense with my mother’s behavior. But the main thing I’m curious about is the detachment. My mom does not touch. Like when sometimes A person might touch the shoulder of the one they are talking to...mom never does this. No physical contact. Not with me. She does touch her grandchildren...my kids. She hugs them, holds their hands (well, when walking). So she is capable of physical contact . However, with me, she seems uncomfortable if she accidentally brushes against me. And I honestly can’t Think of a moment from my childhood where physical contact was made. Mom Never gave affection. Neither physical or emotional. She is completely distant. But that’s with me. So...I’m wondering....is the detachment due to aspergers or any other form of autism?
Now... to state the obvious ... since she is a mother...she has made physical contact with someone before. I don’t mean to be crude or anything...I’m just saying....she’s capable of touching and being touched....but never hugged her own kids. Literally never. ( well I assume she did when we were babies but I don’t remember so it really doesn’t) No kisses. No physical contact or affection. Nor emotional affection.
I’m really just trying to understand if this is a symptom of something. Or am I just unloveable? (At least to mom)

I'm an aspy as well. This is firsthand knowledge, we suck at displaying emotion. Well, at least as it is observed by non-aspys. To us, it is perfectly normal and natural, and it's the rest of you who behave abnormally. Unfortunately, we have to sort of act out emotions more in line with everyone else so we seem more 'normal', when really it's completely out of character for us.

I didn't understand why I was different for over 30 years. I behaved the way that felt completely normal to me, but all my life people called me odd or unemotional, can't tell you how many times I was compared to Spock. Even so, there was a difference in my behavior and that of others, and I never could recognize the issue. Now, however, I'm able to mostly mimic you 'abnormals' and blend in better within their expectations.

Chances are that your mother hasn't yet realized she belongs to the elite aspy corps. As such, she probably thinks everything she's doing (or not doing) is perfectly normal and acceptable with others. Rest assured, all the proper emotions are there, it's just the way they are presented that can be an issue.

 

[S.O.J.I.A.]

so does you mom struggle with eye contact and conversation?

 

[Beautyinsteadofashes]

so does you mom struggle with eye contact and conversation?

Yes!

 

[S.O.J.I.A.]

Yes!

with just you or with everyone you know? I have aspergers myself and I have great trouble keeping eye contact when someone is talking to me as well as the obvious in the fact that I don't talk much to anyone. looking someone in the eye when they talk to me feels like looking into the sun.

what does your mom's voice sound like? does she have a lot of inflection in her voice or is a lot more monotone? do you know of any sensory issues she may have? would you consider your mom to be a loner; someone who is very socially isolated?

 

[Beautyinsteadofashes]

with just you or with everyone you know? I have aspergers myself and I have great trouble keeping eye contact when someone is talking to me as well as the obvious in the fact that I don't talk much to anyone. looking someone in the eye when they talk to me feels like looking into the sun.

what does your mom's voice sound like? does she have a lot of inflection in her voice or is a lot more monotone? do you know of any sensory issues she may have? would you consider your mom to be a loner; someone who is very socially isolated?

Definitely a loner. As far as tone goes...she usually sounds depressed or peed off with everything she says. She never gets excited. I can tell her something cute or funny or even surprising and she doesn’t react. I end up saying “ok you must not have heard me or are not paying me any attention.” She will respond,
“I heard you.”
I’m not sure about sensory issues. I do notice she doesn’t pick up on sarcasm very well.

 

[Darkhorse]

I’m not sure about sensory issues. I do notice she doesn’t pick up on sarcasm very well.

I had to give my older son "lessons" on what humor is and how it works. By taking jokes apart and explaining the elements of surprise or irony, he has learned the basics, I think.