- Dec 13, 2015
- 1,076
- 1,054
- Country
- United States
- Faith
- Apostolic
- Marital Status
- In Relationship
It's 2:38pm woke up and about to go back to sleep last, maybe even try asmr or something.
I feel super anxious right now, but I'm not in immediate danger or anything. This worrying is making me want to cry and making me upset. Suddenly started thinking about why I'm afraid and sad at the same time.
I'm afraid to live. I'm 26 and too old for good things to happen anymore. The only things that happen when you get this age is loss. And I don't want it to happen anymore. My mom is in terrible health and she will be the next one I lose. She already not the same person she was before. I can't take this anymore and I wish I wasn't here to see this happen. Everyone is getting old and sickly I barely have a family anymore. Grandma and aunt died close to the same time.... I don't know what to do with myself to feel like things are okay in this life cause they aren't. How can I go on and just pretend like things are normal and okay when things are very different. A sad different. What's the point? Held on this planet against my will while everyone around me gets old and sick and me one day too. I haven't accepted my mortality or that of others, I hate it. What's worse is we spend all our time on petty unimportant things like working for pieces of paper just to survive. This existence is a miserable and horrible one. God if you're listening to me and see this text right now I'm asking the same question a lot of people have asked you, why did you make me and let me be here to suffer. Why must I suffer. Why do I have to tolerate suffering and the human condition because of what other people did. Why am I alone in this life always, in my fears in my sadness, it's like there's a wall that prevents anyone from helping me. Where are you God where are you in all this?! Am I such a terrible person that I suffer in this life and burn for all eternity alone. I'm not doing everything perfect to be a Christian and I know there is grace etc but i feel comfortable convicted and alone even though I know God is greater than my heart's conviction. Still upset. Still wondering is this really what my life is supposed to be. I wish i didn't have to do this anymore.
Sometimes I feel all I have (ppl wise) is my bf but I'm scared of losing him too. God set it up so we lose everyone. I'm sure he has his reasons but I'm still miserable.
All this started because I awoke from a dream where I was being kidnapped and jabbed in the ribs painfully. It was frightening to be alone. When I looked up a possible dream interpretation it said feeling of loss of control over your life or some aspect. That's very what I'm feeling right now.
I feel super anxious right now, but I'm not in immediate danger or anything. This worrying is making me want to cry and making me upset. Suddenly started thinking about why I'm afraid and sad at the same time.
I'm afraid to live. I'm 26 and too old for good things to happen anymore. The only things that happen when you get this age is loss. And I don't want it to happen anymore. My mom is in terrible health and she will be the next one I lose. She already not the same person she was before. I can't take this anymore and I wish I wasn't here to see this happen. Everyone is getting old and sickly I barely have a family anymore. Grandma and aunt died close to the same time.... I don't know what to do with myself to feel like things are okay in this life cause they aren't. How can I go on and just pretend like things are normal and okay when things are very different. A sad different. What's the point? Held on this planet against my will while everyone around me gets old and sick and me one day too. I haven't accepted my mortality or that of others, I hate it. What's worse is we spend all our time on petty unimportant things like working for pieces of paper just to survive. This existence is a miserable and horrible one. God if you're listening to me and see this text right now I'm asking the same question a lot of people have asked you, why did you make me and let me be here to suffer. Why must I suffer. Why do I have to tolerate suffering and the human condition because of what other people did. Why am I alone in this life always, in my fears in my sadness, it's like there's a wall that prevents anyone from helping me. Where are you God where are you in all this?! Am I such a terrible person that I suffer in this life and burn for all eternity alone. I'm not doing everything perfect to be a Christian and I know there is grace etc but i feel comfortable convicted and alone even though I know God is greater than my heart's conviction. Still upset. Still wondering is this really what my life is supposed to be. I wish i didn't have to do this anymore.
Sometimes I feel all I have (ppl wise) is my bf but I'm scared of losing him too. God set it up so we lose everyone. I'm sure he has his reasons but I'm still miserable.
All this started because I awoke from a dream where I was being kidnapped and jabbed in the ribs painfully. It was frightening to be alone. When I looked up a possible dream interpretation it said feeling of loss of control over your life or some aspect. That's very what I'm feeling right now.