Mid life sex faithfulness

[Anstroh]

Since I have approached 40 and had a vasectomy I have struggled more with desires to have sex outside of my marriage.

I feel there are parts of my sexuality that remain unexplored and unfulfilled. And that these are unlikely to be possible within the sex life of my marriage.

In particular I enjoy giving oral sex but my wife does not feel comfortable with it. In addition I am interested in being penetrated analy.

I feel if I were to go and have sex of the type I have in marriage with someone it would be a big betrayal. However the idea of pleasuring someone orally does not fill me with guilt.

Logically I know the above is wrong.

 

[Sabertooth]

Besides violating your relationship with your wife, it would violate your relationship with your God, too. Even if you don't (yet) feel guilt, do you believe Him when He says that it is wrong and not in your best interest? Does He get to make that call in your life? Does God EVER withhold something just to be mean or because He is some kind of cosmic killjoy...? If He is going to be your Savior, He must first be your Lord!

Yes, you can repent after sinning. If sincere, you will be restored, but it won't take away the consequences that you could have avoided, if you just trusted Him in the first place.

 

[Sabertooth]

Proverbs 14:12 says,

"There is a way that seems right to a man,
But its end is the way of death."​

 

[Llleopard]

Since I have approached 40 and had a vasectomy I have struggled more with desires to have sex outside of my marriage.

I feel there are parts of my sexuality that remain unexplored and unfulfilled. And that these are unlikely to be possible within the sex life of my marriage.

In particular I enjoy giving oral sex but my wife does not feel comfortable with it. In addition I am interested in being penetrated analy.

I feel if I were to go and have sex of the type I have in marriage with someone it would be a big betrayal. However the idea of pleasuring someone orally does not fill me with guilt.

Logically I know the above is wrong.

Please remember your wife is not an idiot. You may think she doesn't know you have unfulfilled desires, but I would be very surprised if she didn't. If you have communicated your desires in a way that she has interpreted as meaning she is not enough, or not good enough for you, then you are much less likely ever to have those desires fulfilled with her. If you can have the self control to continue resisting the urge to betray, disrespect and crush her, and instead concentrate your energy on rebuilding the relationship you already have, building her confidence and assuring her that you could in fact value her more than a couple of kinds of fantasy.....then you may be surprised what she may come around to. When women feel loved and valued, they usually respond positively to suggestions....and she may even have some of her own that she might one day feel safe enough to share with you.

 

[tall73]

Since I have approached 40 and had a vasectomy I have struggled more with desires to have sex outside of my marriage.

I feel there are parts of my sexuality that remain unexplored and unfulfilled. And that these are unlikely to be possible within the sex life of my marriage.

In particular I enjoy giving oral sex but my wife does not feel comfortable with it. In addition I am interested in being penetrated analy.

I feel if I were to go and have sex of the type I have in marriage with someone it would be a big betrayal. However the idea of pleasuring someone orally does not fill me with guilt.

Logically I know the above is wrong.

You already said you know logically. Well then you need to address more than your brain. You need to walk in the Spirit, not your flesh.

Read this scripture over and over, and pray that you do not sin against God's Holy Spirit:

I Thessalonians 4:4 Finally then, brethren, we urge and exhort in the Lord Jesus that you should abound more and more, just as you received from us how you ought to walk and to please God; 2 for you know what commandments we gave you through the Lord Jesus.
3 For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you should abstain from sexual immorality; 4 that each of you should know how to possess his own vessel in sanctification and honor, 5 not in passion of lust, like the Gentiles who do not know God; 6 that no one should take advantage of and defraud his brother in this matter, because the Lord is the avenger of all such, as we also forewarned you and testified. 7 For God did not call us to uncleanness, but in holiness. 8 Therefore he who rejects this does not reject man, but God, who has also given us His Holy Spirit.


And then pray that you may have the fruit of the Spirit rather than the works of the flesh fulfilled in your life:

16 I say then: Walk in the Spirit, and you shall not fulfill the lust of the flesh. 17 For the flesh lusts against the Spirit, and the Spirit against the flesh; and these are contrary to one another, so that you do not do the things that you wish. 18 But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under the law.
19 Now the works of the flesh are evident, which are: adultery, ornication, uncleanness, lewdness, 20 idolatry, sorcery, hatred, contentions, jealousies, outbursts of wrath, selfish ambitions, dissensions, heresies, 21 envy, f]">[f]murders, drunkenness, revelries, and the like; of which I tell you beforehand, just as I also told you in time past, that those who practice such things will not inherit the kingdom of God. 22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness, self-control. Against such there is no law. 24 And those who are Christ’s have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. 25 If we live in the Spirit, let us also walk in the Spirit.


And if you are still struggling then go get Christian counseling to find out why you want to destroy your spiritual life so badly.

 

[Mountainmanbob]

1--desires to have sex outside of my marriage.

2--I feel there are parts of my sexuality that remain unexplored and unfulfilled.
3--I am interested in being penetrated analy.

Regarding your #1 above
Simple thoughts that possibly eat away at our marriage.

#2
Not being grateful and happy for what we have, may lead us into sin.

#3
Not natural -- no comment.

M-Bob

 

[Sabertooth]

#3
Not natural -- no comment.

The prostate is back there. That is what the big draw is, but it isn't worth abandoning God for.

@Anstroh , whenever you value something higher than God, Himself, it has become an idol.

 

[Dave G.]

This is simple temptation where we are called to resist Satan. In short don't do it, you will regret it for eternity. Control your urges and the call of Satan, stay loyal to your wife. And if you are into it then quit inappropriate content where you can just fester these thoughts. My experience was a very good lesson for me, I believe God used Satan in one season to test me with some women ( especially the first and second forward acting women) after having a passing thought and I passed the test months later by never making a move on them.. You can too. I think that because I never said a word out loud and Satan can not hear our thoughts but God can, even that one passing thought I had back in that season of my life and this experience came upon me immediately after that thought.. Satan did not test me but he tempted me and God tested me in that temptation and I passed the test by not responding to the clear temptation. Don't run off the rails, you will hurt your wife, you will hurt the woman you play with, hurt and maybe even destroy your marriage, and hurt God and hurt yourself. It's foolishness and the fool is you if you let yourself fall prey to this !

We live a life of spiritual warfare, navigate it well.

 

[DZoolander]

lol - so OP - why did you tag this post with oral, but not your other longing?

 

[Anstroh]

"There is a way that seems right to a man,
But its end is the way of death."
This is a very helpful bit of wisdom.

 

[DZoolander]

"There is a way that seems right to a man,
But its end is the way of death."
This is a very helpful bit of wisdom.

Really? Going out and doing things with other women while married "seems right" to you?

lol - I mean I've done some pretty crappy things in my life - but I knew they were wrong when I was doing them. My conscience has rarely led me the wrong direction. Anything I've ever done that was wrong was simply because I didn't care. Not because I didn't know.

 

[Anstroh]

Of course I know its wrong "Logically I know the above is wrong" in first post. The verse is helpful because it challenges doing what "feels good" as opposed to what is good.

I am glad to hear you have no sins of ommission though.




I

Really? Going out and doing things with other women while married "seems right" to you?

lol - I mean I've done some pretty crappy things in my life - but I knew they were wrong when I was doing them. My conscience has rarely led me the wrong direction. Anything I've ever done that was wrong was simply because I didn't care. Not because I didn't know.

 

[Dave G.]

Since we are quoting verses from Proverbs: Proverbs 12:15
The way of a fool is right in his own eyes, but a wise man listens to counsel.

 

[DZoolander]

Not quite sure what that means - at least in this context.

I can't think of a time when I did something and legit thought it was the right thing to do - and then turned around later and discovered "Wow, that really was a sin". If I've ever done anyone wrong - I knew I was doing them wrong.

 

[Anstroh]

Since we are quoting verses from Proverbs: Proverbs 12:15
The way of a fool is right in his own eyes, but a wise man listens to counsel.

This is better! "Right in his FOOLISH eyes" thanka

 

[Dave G.]

This is better! "Right in his FOOLISH eyes" thanka

I found that as one of the cross references at Bible Hub fwiw.

 

[Jon Osterman]

I feel there are parts of my sexuality that remain unexplored and unfulfilled. And that these are unlikely to be possible within the sex life of my marriage.

I am sure that eveyone has desires (sexually or otherwise) that remain unexplored and unfulfilled. But that is life! You have made a vow to your wife and to God, and you must keep that vow. So lay aside these desires that will cause you to break your vow. It really isn't worth it. If you break your vow, you are in effect throwing away your marriage, irrespective of whether or not your wife finds out.

 

[Albion]

I think I found you more interesting as naghiksarila.