Mentoring a teenage boy, comprehensive

[MckDawg04]

**Sorry it's so long**

For those of you that remember my previous thread along the same lines, this is the replacement. Apparently the thread is gone. Just gone.

The "culprit" is supposedly a crash that occurred that wiped away a lot of threads and posts made between March 27 and April 11. So here's the skinny (and it will probably get sorta long so bear with me).

The Story:
I've been involved in the Boy Scout program since I was 11 (that's 13 years) and I've enjoyed every second of it. The past 5 years I've been an adult leader with the group with some youth leadership experience before that.

About 4 years ago one of the other adult leaders convinced a co-worker to bring his 12-year-old stepson to the troop. I've enjoyed having him around ever since then. He's a very good kid and has the makings of a great leader about him. His name is Mike.

In October 2008 Mike began confiding in me that his stepdad and mother were getting a divorce. In November, the stepdad confided in me that the divorce was pretty rough and he wanted me to keep an eye on Mike and try to help him through things. I replied that I already was trying to keep an eye on Mike since I had noticed a significant difference in his behavior.

I told Mike that he was more than welcome to call me about anything. I made (and am still making) a very good effort to be a positive male role model in his life. He called regularly, most times just to talk but a few times to vent about things his mother was doing.

His mother is (in my non-professional opinion) emotionally abusing him. Mike is expected to complete a majority of the housework and is grounded for any little offense. His 15-year-old sister doesn't help matters by acting in Mike's favor at one moment and for their mother at the next.

On March 13, I hadn't heard from Mike in a while. He hadn't called (I had seen him at troop meetings) I had this overwhelming conviction to go out and find him to make sure he was alright. On the weekends he generally goes to local skating rink with a couple friends. I made my way there and watched him from a distance, not wanting to worry him or distract him. He seemed just fine and my conscious was put at ease.

I later explained that I was there checking on him because I feel God was telling me to go. I don't know that it affected him much, but I believe that he came to a realization that I do care about him very much.

Recently Mike was supposed to come with my brother and work on their personal fitness merit badge together. Afterwards I was to take the both of them to dinner and a movie. Mike's mom decided that since Mike hadn't taken out the trash that morning (he had it finished before she got home from work) that he was grounded. She was sticking to her guns on the matter.

In my past experience whenever she says she "grounds" him, she usually doesn't mean it. It seems like an easy excuse for him to immediately obey and weaken his already fragile emotional state. Anyway, Mike's sister managed to convince their mom to let him go with my brother and things were okay.

Oh yeah, I almost forgot. There's a boyfriend the mom brought home from Michigan that's staying with them....having relations with the mom that the kids all know about.

For a couple months I had been thinking of a way to try and minister to Mike's mother. I was advised against doing so myself by psalmsman1 from CF to avoid sending mixed signals to Mike. The weekend I had him with me he asked me if there was anyone from my church that could talk to his mom.

I think when I heard it my jaw dropped. Or at least almost did. I had just been talking to my friend about trying to find someone to talk with his mom the night before. This was practically a God-send.

My other brother works on the tech crew at church and I asked him if he knew of anyone that could possibly talk to Mike's mom and still try to relate to her, not just go in all God-fearing guns blazing and scare her away from the faith.

He recommended someone and I spoke with her this past Wednesday. She also advised me against ministering to Mike's mom myself for the same reason. She told me that without some sort of relationship with the mom, she couldn't just go in and talk to her. I understand where she's coming from.

She suggested that I go to Mike's school and let them know about my concerns regarding his home situation. I'm scheduled to meet with his principal on Tuesday morning.

That's where I am so far with the whole thing.

Thanks for reading this far!

So here's my question: does anyone have a good idea has to how I can find someone to talk to his mother?

The only thing I've thought of so far (and I'm planning on doing) is invite the family to church on Sunday mornings. Other than that, I don't know what to do.

I don't want to contact child services and have all the work I've done so far unravel by placing Mike and his siblings into the system. That or they'll be shipped off to Indiana with their biological father which won't do them much good either.

Thanks!

 

[Macx]

Sounds like mom is hurting the boy because she can't hurt the father any more than with the tools already at her disposal (remember the end of Braveheart where they showwed the executioner's tools . . . . pretty much like divorce court) sick stuff man, and I admire you for wading into it. I won't string off my cred like it matters, but you should hear me when I say "Stay strong man, thank you, isn't anything more important than holding the line on this". Colateral damage is part of what has our world on a downward spiral. This is where boots hit the floor, this is where talkers and doers get sorted out.

The problem with anything a man says to mom is that it is gonna come out of a man's mouth . .. . that'll make it wrong no matter how right. You wanna send a message to mom, find a woman's voice to carry it.

 

[MckDawg04]

Thanks for reading all of that.

I completely agree with finding a woman to minister to her. It does certainly seem as though she only wants a man around to please her and other than that....

Thanks for the encouragement! Pray that I can find someone to talk with her.

 

[MckDawg04]

There's an update coming to this story when it's not 1:00am and I have to go to bed.

I'll try and find time in the next day or so to post it up here.

Just pray that Mike's situation gets better and that he learns to rely on God through this ordeal.

 

[MckDawg04]

Okay, here's the new story.

**It will be somewhat long.**

Firstly, please don't misinterpret this as a teenager not being obedient, it's far more complicated than that and words can't adequately describe the situation.

Mike was asked to take out the trash before he left for school. As he went to do that, his ride showed up and he had to leave. He returned home to have his mom's boyfriend proceed to tell him he was grounded because the trash wasn't put out.

Up to this point, Mike's mom had been distressed over the entire home situation. Mike has told me that he's seen his mom crying pretty often and when he asks about it she tries to hide that she's been crying and brush it off.

Anyway, Mike called me while I was at work on my break and I answered. While he was telling me what was going on, the call was cut off. It seems the boyfriend unplugged the phone and locked the cord (and I think the phone as well) into the room he shares with Mike's mom.

At this point, Mike left the house to cool off and prevent things from getting better. He caught his sister Tiffany getting off the bus and left her a note to give to their mom saying that he'd be home after church.

He ended up at my house and had dinner with us before we left for church. While we were there one of Tiffany's friends found us and said that Tiffany was in jail. By that time Mike's younger brother Christopher was there in our small computer lab. I pulled him out and asked him what had happened.

Christopher told us that Tiffany got mad at the boyfriend for some reason and began throwing perfumes, deodorant, and small things at him. When the boyfriend started trying to take off her bedroom door, Tiffany pushed him at which point mom stepped in and pushed her. Tiffany's bedroom overlooks a section of roof and she climbed out to help calm down.

Mom decided to call the police on Tiffany and they showed up. As I understand it, Tiffany was sassing the officer and so the officer arrested her and they took her to the local Juvenile Detention Center.

At this point Mike is worried about his sister and most likely upset with his mom for even calling the police. So it has been four months since my original post when I first went to the church looking for someone Mike could talk to.

I brought that up again and asked if he wanted to find someone at the church to talk with. He agreed and we went in search of the senior high youth pastor, Chris. I came to learn that Chris was not supposed to be at church that night due to some emergency that came up. So I took Mike to Emily who I was introduced to as being the second in charge.

From this point on, what I understand happened is an account of what other people saw who were there. I had to go keep an eye on my 4th and 5th grade boys and prepare for a presentation.

I believe Emily took Mike down towards the welcome center and Mike came across my friend Kristen who came to help keep an eye on things for my presentation.

Mike needed to vent and so he explained everything to Kristen. While he was talking, he called home and asked his mom to come to the church without the boyfriend so he could talk to her about how he doesn't want the boyfriend around and such.

Mom refused to come without the boyfriend but, surprisingly, she did come to the church. At some point, the senior high youth pastor arrived at the church and took Mike and his mom and boyfriend somewhere they could talk. This talk I feel did quite a bit of help for everyone.

Mike told me after that the boyfriend looked very upset during the talk and Mike was afraid to go home because of what might happen. Luckily, nothing did happen when he got home that night.

I spoke with him today and his sister Tiffany was home, she had a court date this morning and was offered to go home or to school. She chose to go to school so she could see Mike.

After everyone was home, Mike told me that they had a "family meeting" where mom essentially told everybody that the boyfriend wasn't going to be leaving anytime soon and that they are expected to listen to him.

So at this point it's a waiting game to see how things play out the next couple of days. Mike is hoping to get to talk to his mom alone so he can tell her his concerns about the boyfriend being around.

Thanks for reading all of this. I figured since all of this happened, I should come and drop an update for those of you that read this before.

If anyone has some advice feel free to leave it.

I would ask that you pray for Mike and his situation and that he can learn to rely on God during this difficult time.