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Marrital Advise and Guidance Needed

Discussion in 'Christian Advice' started by Married6242017, Aug 1, 2017.

  1. Married6242017

    Married6242017 New Member

    8
    +24
    United States
    Christian
    Married
    I've been married 1 month. Everything was perfect until this last week when my husband showed up from work extremely angry that his the guy who took over his job while we were on our honeymoon got paid double his. He started to express how he could ruin the company until I reminded him that we needed to act and set a presidence in our new family to abide by how god expects us to act. The next day he came home from work and greeted me with a "you messed up!, you didnt put the dog away before work and he pooped in the house" he then proceeded to show me where the dog went and told me I had to clean it up to learn to put the dog away. I let him know it appeared as though he was in a bad mood and that I did not want to fight...the next day he again came in angry about clean clothes and I responded the same way, this was when he went upstairs and was talking to my dad when I started hearing yelling I ran up stairs to find him hovering over my dad telling he was going to kick his bu**. I asked what was going on, he then started staying I was going to take my dads side, threw his ring at me and left. Days later, I went to talk to him (he still hasn't come home) and he is still angry. He told me that I had to choose between him and my father and that for all he cared i could just be married to my dad. I let him know I was not taking sides and I couldn't as I didn't know both sides. He let me know that in marriage I am suppose to stand beside him weather he is right or wrong and that the logistics don't matter. He then proceeded to yell, when I asked him to calm down and stop saying hurtful things to me he blew up.. I walked away and asked him to call our pastor. I'm just so confused on what I need to do. Do I actually have to choose between him and my dad?
     
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  2. JRichard68

    JRichard68 There is too much butter on those trays

    215
    +139
    Canada
    Lutheran
    Divorced
    No, you don't. A meeting with the pastor to get your husband's head out of his back-side would be a good idea, though. This can't be allowed to escalate, and you need to be sure it won't. If he won't speak with the pastor with you, please go on your own so the church is aware of what's happening.
    So sorry for all of this.
     
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  3. Oscarr

    Oscarr Senior Veteran Supporter

    +5,768
    New Zealand
    Pentecostal
    Married
    You need to be aware that it might be only a matter of time before you will become a victim of domestic violence. You need to stand up to him and tell him that the moment he lays a hand on you, your marriage is over and you will report him to the police. Don't appease him in any way, and don't listen to anyone who advises you to be a better wife or anything like that. He has already committed a criminal act with his threatening behaviour. Remind him that any further threats will mean him being reported to the police and spending a night in the cells. I was a victim advisor in my local district court for 10 years, dealing with victims of domestic violence and so I know what should be done. Take your stand with him, and if he becomes threatening, walk out of the house, go to a friends home and call the police. Your life might depend on it.

    And don't allow any pastor or elder to talk you out of going to the police when you feel that your personal safety is being threatened. If a pastor or elder does that they are committing the crime of defeating the course of justice and that can end them up behind bars as well. If your pastor tries to talk you out of going to the police, let him know clearly that he is committing a crime and that you will report him without hesitation.

    Your husband is already breaking his marriage vows in the way he is treating you. You will not be sinning if you feel the need to walk away from this marriage before he starts to harm you physically. There have been too many wives who have lost their lives because they stayed in a violent marriage and not got out soon enough. But be careful and have a safety plan when you do walk away because he could escalate his violence and put your life at risk. I had a friend stabbed to death because she walked away and he said, "If I can't have you, nobody will."
     
    Last edited: Aug 1, 2017
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  4. Winken

    Winken Heimat Supporter

    +3,453
    United States
    Non-Denom
    Married
    US-Others
    See Post #2. Pray, quietly and respectfully in the Name above all names, Jesus. My prayer is that God will intervene --- He will decide how.
     
  5. Sketcher

    Sketcher Born Imperishable

    +4,664
    Non-Denom
    Single
    US-Republican
    How long did you know this guy before you married him?
     
  6. Married6242017

    Married6242017 New Member

    8
    +24
    United States
    Christian
    Married
    8 years dated for 1 and we're engaged for 1
     
  7. longwait

    longwait Well-Known Member

    742
    +478
    Christian
    Married
    No, just because you are married to him doesn't mean you have to agree and participate in all the wrong that he does. Take care.
     
  8. 1watchman

    1watchman Overseer Supporter

    +777
    Christian
    Married
    It is sad that one learns who they married afterward, so marital counseling is always important; and friends and acquaintances should be consulted. One should go to a pastor or marriage counselor before the ceremony, when one is dealing with one without much real knowledge. Afterward, one needs to insist that counseling is essential to save this marriage, and if one refuses, they should know who is destroying the marriage, and you need to discuss that. Affection must be in evidence.

    As one has already said here, there seems to be a great possibility of physical harm in this relationship. If things continue without real and lasting change, then one might be wise to write a letter explaining in detail what is wrong, and leave it for the husband as you leave for a vacation with relatives elsewhere. Whether you return it should not be about statements to change, but promise to attend counseling. Just some thoughts to consider. Pray much, read your Bible daily, and trust God!
     
  9. Married6242017

    Married6242017 New Member

    8
    +24
    United States
    Christian
    Married
    I agree with you. We actually did two separate types of counseling prior to the wedding for several months. One w/ the church and pastor and one with a Christian professional. All of them went great with no red flags.
     
  10. 1watchman

    1watchman Overseer Supporter

    +777
    Christian
    Married
    Yes, that will happen when one wishes to make a good impression and deceives, so then Plan B is the next step as suggested. This should not be allowed to continue as is.

    I surely do not fault you for failing to know the man better, as that can happen to anyone, but I say that often friends and responsible people probably could have given you a fuller picture. Also, did you know his family and real background in life? Well, the issue now is to resolve this, and giving him a written letter and letting it soak in for awhile, may be the best step to take before separation for good. Otherwise, your future does not look good ---though God can change all things for those who know and trust Him fully.
     
    Last edited: Aug 2, 2017
  11. Kit Sigmon

    Kit Sigmon Well-Known Member

    +1,271
    Christian
    In Relationship
    8 years you spent dating him, you never saw that anger
    side of him?
     
  12. Runswithdogs

    Runswithdogs Well-Known Member

    703
    +735
    Non-Denom
    Married
    While I agree with most of the above, its very strange that there was no evidence of this behavior in the extended period of time you knew him before and that the behavior sounds like it was pretty much out of the blue... which leads me to think there may be something else at play here & I would strongly suggest getting a medical work up.
    Sudden changes in temperament/personality could point to a serious medical issue.
     
  13. Gracia Singh

    Gracia Singh Newbie Supporter

    +5,562
    United States
    Christian
    Married
    Why does your father live with you?
     
  14. tturt

    tturt Senior Veteran

    +2,345
    Non-Denom
    Married
    Since he's been gone for a few days, I would view that in a positive way. You need that distance. Since you've already reached out to him, I would wait to see if he makes any effort to communicate. That's just my .02.

    Encourage you to call your pastor or the Christian counselor you've seen to help navigate this situation.
     
  15. aiki

    aiki Regular Member

    +2,563
    Canada
    Baptist
    Married
    CA-Conservatives
    Matthew 19:4-6
    4 And He answered and said to them, "Have you not read that He who made them at the beginning 'made them male and female,'
    5 and said, 'For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh'?
    6 So then, they are no longer two but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate."


    Your husband needs to know that he is one flesh with you, that he stands above everyone else in your hierarchy of people you love. It's you and him in your marriage, not you, him and your Dad.

    Do you have to stop loving your Dad, or love him less? No. But you do have to love your husband and be committed to him above everyone else (except God, of course).

    This sort of temper is not something you should overlook. If your husband doesn't learn to control his anger and deal with you in a respectful manner even when his temper is up, your life with him is going to be miserable - and perhaps even dangerous. Insist now that he find a different, better way to express himself. If you let this sort of behaviour establish itself in your marriage, it will only worsen and become very difficult to change later on.

    Pray for your husband that God would intervene in his life and make him a godly, Christlike man. And don't stop praying this for him.
     
  16. DreamerOfTheHeart

    DreamerOfTheHeart I Am What I Am

    +387
    United States
    Christian
    Married
    So... I stand up next to a mountain, and I chop it down, with the edge of my hand.

    I can swallow all of this...

    ...
     
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