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Featured Married Woman needs help and advice to stop Adulterous Feelings

Discussion in 'Christian Advice' started by Girl4God86, Jun 9, 2019.

  1. (° ͡ ͜ ͡ʖ ͡ °) (ᵔᴥᵔʋ)

    (° ͡ ͜ ͡ʖ ͡ °) (ᵔᴥᵔʋ) Well-Known Member Supporter

    +2,604
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    I may add that given some of the details from the OP, it seems that romance from your husband may be another factor that is messing. That is very common in relationships and most men do not know how to communicate love in that aspect. Most women need to feel captivating and worthy of fighting for. Romantic gestures, no matter how small, communicates that you are valuable and that you are worthy of fighting for. Like a knight fighting for the princess. I know that may sound silly, but I believe it is true. A good book that I highly recommend is "Captivating" by John and Stacy Eldridge. I have read it and it really help me in my marriage by better understanding the spirit of a woman the way God had designed it. I am confident it will help you also.
     
  2. truefiction1

    truefiction1 Fool

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    It's a trick, so you need to be hard on yourself so as to not fall for it. There's no room here for sympathizing with these strong feelings/desires you're confessing. They are your life destroying enemy - not your friends - and you really do need to treat them as such, and give them no place in your soul. This is why God endowed us with the capacity to have anger; so that we could use our anger to drive away and defeat such ridiculous and harmful things as these adulterous feelings.

    Lord have mercy.
     
    Last edited: Jun 11, 2019
  3. Girl4God86

    Girl4God86 New Member

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    Thank you, although I don't have children, but I want to some day. But I do believe everything you said, God's love can keep me from giving into romantic feelings for someone who is not my husband. Amen. Yes I will affirm that to myself over and over. God has the power. Although some people may not believe it, I do believe it. Indeed those feelings are a complete lie, the devil is whispering into my ear.
     
  4. Girl4God86

    Girl4God86 New Member

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    Don't worry, it's no where close to an affair nor will it ever be. I have behaved only professionally towards this man and vice versa. He has shown no attraction or interest towards me and I have not flirted once. It's my sin in my thoughts and emotions I wrestle with. I don't think it's time to make a rash decision yet though and destroy my career when the notion of an affair is not even on the horizon. I'm here for help to overcome these sinful feelings and I believe God's power will make everything right.
     
  5. Girl4God86

    Girl4God86 New Member

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    That was an amazing article, wow! Thank you! I love how the author coins the term love deposits. I will carefully consider everything said and I will absolutely avoid an affair at all costs. If I feel it is necessary I will quit my job but I haven't reached that point just yet. I want to give God the chance to snuff out the flame which I do believe he can do. But to be honest I don't think an affair would flame up anyway because the man is a Godly man and I could never imagine him doing something like that, nor does he have an interest like that at all in me so it's completely my sin I'm trying to overcome and I know I can do it with the power of God because I am an overcomer like the Mandisa song. Thank you again so much for that amazing article, that really is a blessing. I am going to bookmark it and use it as words to live by during this battle so I will avoid any interaction at all costs that may result in love deposits.
     
  6. Wongster

    Wongster New Member

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    Christian
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    I’m mentioning a lot of food for thought ideas here...

    I dont know if anyone has mentioned this thought...but if your husband is mature to receive what is happening to him, you should just let him know about it. I am like 99.999% sure that there has been moments where husbands have wondered what would life be like with another woman. Not because they’re evil but it’s imagination or some sort of attraction in the moment...and no one is perfect in this matter aka no such thing as a perfect marital relationship. Hopefully such conversation would include ways of him helping you to avoid the sin you are committing. And like what others have said, maybe your husband is possibly not fulfilling an aspect of the relational role in the marriage.

    I don’t know how sustainable it is for you to quit your job...because it depends on why you are attracted to your boss. For example, if I am a guy and I work as a lifeguard at a pool, I may be tempted to look at women more in a lustful manner as more skin is exposed...so what if I quit my job? In the moment it’s a good decision as I avoid temptation, but summer happens every year and more skin is shown even for ppl walking down the street, and I am tempted to sin again and probably will fall for it...except now, I’m still stuck in the sin in a different situation with no job. So even if you quit your job and you found a new job, what if you have a rly nice male Christian coworker, will you be tempted then? I would say...depending how deep your sin is, I wouldn’t necessarily resort to quitting right away.

    Overall, probably best to speak to a mentor or a Christian leader/counselor/pastor abt the situation to see what is best for you if you are very unsure. Prayer is best for discernment and wisdom as God will show you grace and ways to help with your struggle one step at a time. :)
     
  7. com7fy8

    com7fy8 Well-Known Member Supporter

    +3,101
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    My personal take >

    God's love is not only a good feeling, but God's love gives us light and direction in how to love.

    "And this I pray, that your love may abound still more and more in knowledge and all discernment." (Philippians 1:9)

    So, in God's love we have discernment so we do not get romantic for someone we do not belong with . . . I consider. And the light of love gives us direction and perspective even deeper than words. Light can show us more :)

    But this means I need how God changes my character, so I am more with Him and able to submit to Him and see how His love has me seeing things. So, we are wise to seek our Heavenly Father for how He alone is able to truly correct us in our character and how we love > Hebrews 12:4-14. And do this for the rest of our lives. Adulterous feelings might be a more obvious problem, but becoming able to love like Jesus can have challenges always to keep discovering. We won't get bored, I offer :)

    I have a lady friend. Yes, I can give in to feelings and thoughts and eyes for what different women look like and how they tone their voices, but I can tell this takes me away from how I can share in love with her plus love any and all people. I can tell I am being degraded, inside myself, as soon as I just start to eyeball or imagine with a woman.

    And yes the feelings and attention grabbing can seem so convincing. But I can get homesick for how I know I can be in love. And Jesus has me loving and caring for the different women I see and know . . . not just using them for some sort of pleasure and fascination.

    And as I refuse to give in to that stuff, I enjoy discovering how I can be loving in the same situations! So, this is not only about being mentally and emotionally faithful to a lady who loves me, but this is about becoming able to love and care for any and all people the way Jesus desires.

    And my lady friend has turned out not to be a connection only or mainly for pleasure and romance, but a connection with people I can love and help. God blesses us for loving > His all loving :)

    And we can talk about comparing.

    I do compare my lady friend with other women, and I keep discovering how she seems more mature than a lot of women. She is gentle and tender and caring. When she has an issue with someone who might even be taking advantage of her, I hear how she always cares about the person, though she does talk about things she does not like that the person is doing. So, since I can first be against people who are a problem for me, and I can first be putting down the person, it is good to be with her as a correction for me to have compassion first for each and every person.

    Now, for someone else, may be he or she might be comparing other things about the person's spouse. And what is being compared might be outward and toning of the voice. Ones in a church can make themselves sound a certain way which is taken to mean they are trustworthy and dignified and kind. They can seem more desirable than the one someone is married to. But whoever you have, a real example or a not exactly, this is the person you can learn how to love, with God, so you learn how to love any and all people.

    Learning how to love is one of the most beneficial blessings, a very good education, and one of the most interesting challenges we can have. Because ones go elsewhere for entertainment, instead, they are never really satisfied and can wonder why they are bored and lonely, even with all the activities and people they have.
     
  8. Girl4God86

    Girl4God86 New Member

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    Wow what a very sad post in that link :( I will be sure to not make the same mistakes... Thank you very much for caring <3 It's ok about all the posts, I do apologize I am slow to respond. Can't keep up with all the messages on here.
     
  9. Girl4God86

    Girl4God86 New Member

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    I'm trying to be consistent every time a sinful thought enters my head I am saying, I cast it out in Jesus' name! I think it's working because although the sinful thoughts are persistent I feel like they're getting less and less and so I do think it's starting to work! I am trying to also pray at least 3 times a day because I think of Daniel as an example, he prayed 3 times a day. Although I know the ideal is to pray continuously as Jesus said.
     
  10. Girl4God86

    Girl4God86 New Member

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    That is a very good point about what Jesus said with plucking the eyes or cutting the hands so to speak. I have been considering what you said and so I've included that in my prayers. I know it's not a literal sense of cutting my hands or plucking my eyes but it's spiritual so I am asking God repeatedly to help me pluck and cut the sin out of my life.
     
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  11. truefiction1

    truefiction1 Fool

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    The Jesus Prayer is the most powerful weapon we have against the onslaughts of our sinful thoughts and passions. Say the words and focus all of your attention on the words alone, and nothing else.
     
  12. truefiction1

    truefiction1 Fool

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    A word of caution from a great sinner who's learned the hard way. Better to call in the Lord, Jesus Christ, to fight for you, by using the Jesus Prayer, than to say "I cast you out", because if we try to rely on our own strength in moments of great temptation, we'll probably fall into the temptation, because of our pride which we need to be healed of.
     
  13. royal priest

    royal priest debtor to grace

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    It is interesting that Jesus mentions taking physical measures when the context he was using had to with sins of the heart. I believe the idea is that we ought to be radical when dealing with our sinful hearts. That is where sin is born and bred. The reason we are tempted has nothing to with the object which we desire. The problem is that our hearts consider the thing to be desirable in the first place. If it were not for that desire, then there would be no temptation.
    James 1:14-15, "each person is tempted when he is lured and enticed by his own desire. Then desire when it has conceived gives birth to sin, and sin when it is fully grown brings forth death."
     
  14. Girl4God86

    Girl4God86 New Member

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    I think it would be better for me to overcome the adulterous thoughts than to make a rash decision and destroy my career. I have a good job and it would be very hard for me to start all over. Also, if I told my husband he would be very hurt. It's one thing if I actually committed an adulterous act. But these are just feelings I'm having. I think it would be better to get over them rather than hurting him in the process.
     
  15. Girl4God86

    Girl4God86 New Member

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    Yes and I can be radical in giving this over to God. Although I don't think he wants me to choose one destructive act over another. I see 3 doors, one is self-destruction through adultery, another is self-destruction through destroying my career. Both would also affect my husband and our family. God will provide a way out of our temptations though. So the third door is his way out I believe, surrendering myself to him and allowing him to transform my heart and pluck the sin out, cut it off. He tells me two wrongs don't make a right, but I can choose him and his path where I allow him to heal me. This will affect myself and my husband and family positively. If I quit my job I feel like I'm taking matters into my own hands rather than letting him guide me. I'm saying, I don't have enough faith in you God to heal me of my sin and so I'm going to make a rash decision to bring chaos into my life, and then think God will be pleased by my bringing chaos into my life. Then I'll have to cry to God to help clean up the mess I just made. Quitting my job seems like an extreme solution to a small problem. Like shooting a gun at a bad spider. If I leave the spider it could bring about more spiders or bite us and poison us. If I shoot it I will cause a lot of damage to everything around it. Or I could just remove it. But I'm afraid of spiders so I typically will have my husband remove them. In this case I will have God remove the sin. I haven't even flirted with this man even once. I have maintained a professional attitude and he has only behaved professionally to me as well. It would be one thing if we actually had something going on. But we don't. I am trying to nip this in the bud now.
     
  16. Wongster

    Wongster New Member

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    Interesting points and ideas you brought up. I think no one can tell you whether to confess to your husband these thoughts or not or whether that is a good idea. If you think you are able to allow God to change you to rid these thoughts, then go for it. If you are finding yourself acting out on these thoughts (even in most subtle ways...like intentionally sitting beside him in a work meeting when there are other options), I think it would be best to let your husband know but not with the intent to hurt him but to be honest and be open with him. I would see this as something that strengthens the marriage...being open and honest with something that hurts. It’s like a parent would never want to know that their kid committed a crime or did something rly stupid or stole something, but when that kid tells the parent, there is a perspective where the parent much appreciate that his/her child is being honest and vulnerable with their wrong doing/embarrassment. It is much worse for the child to hide their shame from their parents in fear of being punished or fear of disappointing his/her parents. Hopefully if you ever do let your husband know, that he won’t be hurt to the extent that he leaves you or somehow the marital relationship is permanently damaged but I hope he would see your honesty in the struggles you face every day and that you can fully put your trust in him.
     
  17. Kate30

    Kate30 Member

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    Girl4God I’m not sure what your job entails. But in many jobs we are surrounded by men. So yes I agree changing your job would not change much as I’m sure there would be other men that you may be attracted too there as well. I think those temptations and invitations shall always be there. Sadly we live in a world where now the traditional homemaker the wife along with the husband must both work to make ends meet.
     
  18. royal priest

    royal priest debtor to grace

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    I'm glad you are seeking the Lord. May He make His will clear to you and give you wisdom.
     
  19. LoricaLady

    LoricaLady YHWH's Supporter

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    If you husband has never, or will never, feel attracted to another woman, well he would be unusual. What good would it do you, him or the relationship if he always told you such things? Such attractions are so common. We are humans with hormones and hormones aren't wise. We can be wise in what we do with them, of course.

    I personally wouldn't tell him. Why open a can of worms? Just put the focus, instead, on telling him how much you appreciate him, how happy you are to have him for a husband, and so on.
     
  20. RaymondG

    RaymondG Well-Known Member

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    Fantasizing about another woman while married is not normal.....It is probably only done when one is having problems in the home or is generally unhappy with their spouse.

    In this case it would probably help the OPer to know that her husband has these feelings as well. Maybe she should think about him fantasizing about a woman he works with everyday......sits next to....has lunch with....

    Sometimes the best way to stop from inflicting pain on another is the have experienced that same pain yourself........
     
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