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Featured Married Woman needs help and advice to stop Adulterous Feelings

Discussion in 'Christian Advice' started by Girl4God86, Jun 9, 2019.

  1. Girl4God86

    Girl4God86 New Member

    21
    +30
    United States
    Protestant
    Married
    Dear @Endeavourer

    Please don't think I'm ignoring you... I'm sorry I haven't gotten to respond genuinely to your initial post just yet... I'm going one by one through each post and trying to consider everything carefully and give a genuine response when I can... I have yet to get a chance to read the links you gave me but I do want to read those articles and considering carefully everything you say. I am reading each post as they come in though and going back after thinking it over and giving my response. I'm sorry I am a bit overwhelmed by all the posts right now as I just joined yesterday and wasn't expecting to be getting so many kind people willing to help me! I was expecting maybe a couple responses and people telling me what an awful sinner I am lol
     
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  2. GodsGrace101

    GodsGrace101 Well-Known Member Supporter

    +1,614
    Italy
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    You might find it a little more difficult than in Jesus' case, so don't be discouraged.

    Also, when a thought enters our mind it is not, of itself, a sin...it's what we do with it that counts.
    We get better with time.
    God bless you.
     
  3. marineimaging

    marineimaging Texas Baptist with attitude

    +1,095
    United States
    Baptist
    Married
    US-Republican
    Old man here. If you don't run hard from this you will run into divorce, pain, and grief. Run, run hard, and run until the emotions are gone. Turn to God, seek the Holy Spirit, and if you must, confess to your husband what you are feeling. If you can't trust him and he can't trust you then there is no trust in your marriage and there is no marriage. There is a lie festering to boil out and it will. Eventually the lie will come to the surface and you will hurt others and be hurt yourself. And this other man you are talking about, if he, knowing you are married, does one thing to cultivate a relationship how in the world could you ever trust him. As soon as you get a little not so attractive, or even look at another man, he will not be the Christ centered man you think he is. No man seeking Christ in his life would allow a situation where temptation can take over. He would look away, walk away, and do what is necessary to keep it from happening.
     
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  4. Calvin_1985

    Calvin_1985 Active Member

    316
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    My advice would be to sacrifice something for the better. You may have to sacrifice your financial well being to avoid putting yourself in a situation that you end up giving into the temptations. If you truly Love your Husband, then you will sacrifice a good financial income to ensure what's best for the marriage.

    . Jesus says to pluck out our eye if something is causing us to sin. It's truly the best thing you could do in this situation...pluck out your eye.

    Ps...please don't take "plucking your eye out" as literal.
     
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  5. Girl4God86

    Girl4God86 New Member

    21
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    Thank you so much for your uplifting response, it truly has helped lift my spirits tonight as going over all these comments has me back and forth and very down and stressed over what I should do. But you said a very important thing I have been trying to repeat to myself, not to identify as an adulteress but to identify as a daughter of the King! It's so hard sometimes and yes I know you are right it is Satan whispering lies into my ear. But I do believe God has the power that I will overcome, this is a small feat for him and he will transform my heart as he's done before. Yes I agree if I can't get control of the emotion I must quit the job but I don't trust myself enough to get control, so I am putting the control in God's hands and having faith he will work it all out. He will provide the way out as you said. Thank you again for your kind words and it brings me relief the things you say about reaching out, that is an incredible compliment to say and I feel very blessed that you said it.
     
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  6. Girl4God86

    Girl4God86 New Member

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    Wow thank you!! That is a very encouraging post as so many people keep saying to quit the job. I was considering it seriously today to the point where I was very close to contacting my assistant manager but I was overcome with stress and a terrible headache thinking about the chaos I'd bring into my life going this route, having to admit my shame to several people who are close to me and knowing they would be disappointed, disgusted, and hurt, how embarrassed I would feel and so on, how badly I would hurt my husband and possibly damage our relationship, how I'd be throwing away all the blessings God just gave me with this career and having to start all over when I haven't even given him the chance to do the work in my heart yet. No affair has happened, no flirting behavior has even happened, only the sin of infatuation in my heart, why not try to give God the chance to snuff it out first before jumping into the rash decision to up and quit. So no I don't think quitting is necessarily the right choice at this point. For all I know I could work with this man a few more times and be like wow what was I even thinking... If I just have faith God will bring me to that and turn the switch off in my heart for that guy and on again stronger than ever for my husband. You have encouraged me to face this sin and overcome it by trusting in God's power, and his ability to transform my heart so I simply just no longer see my boss as someone attractive but just a boring boss and platonically. I'm not trusting myself to overcome it on my own but trusting God to do it for me and guide me by the hand as you said. God has blessed me with all these kind people who are helping me work through this process and I thank you and every one of them. It's truly amazing as I'm so used to people attacking one another online and becoming keyboard warriors which made me nervous to post on here in the first place but everyone is being very loving in Christ so I thank you again.
     
  7. paul1149

    paul1149 that your faith might rest in the power of God Supporter

    +3,102
    United States
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    I'm so very glad you've found some help in them. I've been in situations where the way forward was confusing and stressful, and neither choice seemed right. It is then that the most important thing is to affirm God's lordship over you and your life. With that surrender comes peace, and with peace comes clarity (James 3 again).

    Given what you've expressed, I think you should go to the altar of God in your heart and lay the matter down, saying that you are willing to do whatever is necessary. Willingness is the key. If He wants to you continue on, trusting that He will deliver you out of the temptation, then do so, but very carefully. But if He wants you to leave, then set it in your heart that you are willing to go without delay. Then proceed, carefully maintaining honesty with yourself and continual contact with the Holy Spirit.
     
  8. Danielwright2311

    Danielwright2311 Well-Known Member Supporter

    +1,202
    United States
    Christian
    Divorced
    Let me give you the best advice from a divorced man.

    I would rather be homeless begging for food and shelter for the rest of my life then commit adultery on my own account.

    Now to be led into it is different, even for the one committing the act.

    But to fall for another when married is your own accord and its most likely not true feelings i'm sure.
    There fake feelings and a pretend fairy tail that does not exist in real life.

    He is your boss, so he already is a good role model for your life, so your think and fell, but its not the real case.

    The real case is the one who your already married and he is the one who you tell everything to, even this fake felling.

    He promotes a way of life to you that is attractive in some way and you two get along very well i'm sure.
    Do not let your self in this fake relationship, it will destroy your true marriage and life.
     
  9. Endeavourer

    Endeavourer Well-Known Member

    +758
    United States
    Christian
    Married
    Take your time, sister. So glad you are not experiencing the digital stoning you dreaded.

    We are ALL wired for affairs, just like you are finding yourself to be, but the successful avoidance of them requires keeping proper boundaries with the opposite sex along with open and honest transparency with our other half.

    It doesn't matter how much in love you are with your husband or how great he is at meeting your needs, you will still have an affair if you do not have proper boundaries with the opposite sex.

    I strongly recommend full digital transparency, shared passwords, etc in marriages. Many spouses can't imagine doing this, but affairs usually start with poor boundaries in conversations and these days most of our conversations also have a digital element. This is an essential safeguard for your marriage. Have you and this other man started texting or having other private digital communications?

    I don't have a password on my phone and I leave it laying around accessible to my husband. I gave him a sheet with all of my social media passwords - which is a good idea in case a bus hits you (God forbid) so he can deal with your accounts, etc, anyway. This also encourages me to ensure that my communications are always appropriate for him to read - as they should be. We two are one. I often leave my Facebook open when I leave the computer. I always want him to KNOW his feeling of security in our relationship is firmly founded. Start your digital transparency today!! :)

    Has this guy been leaning towards you in a friendly way, or did your feelings start without any encouragement or interaction from him?

    It is possible this guy is actually grooming you and any boundary transgressions have been intentional on his part. If you got together with this guy, he'd absolutely do the same to you with another woman. He is NO prize for you, but your husband is.

    Meanwhile, go on dates with your husband. In spite of its title, this article describes the anatomy of a date that is incredibly effective at restoring in-love, tingly ah!mazing feelings towards each other. This is likely what you did while you were dating (hopefully minus the sex), and you need to keep it up after the marriage to maintain the sparks and deeply in-love feelings:

    The question of the ages: How can a husband receive the sex he...

    Your situation could happen to any of us if we let our boundaries slip.
     
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  10. RaymondG

    RaymondG Well-Known Member

    +2,602
    United States
    Christian
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    You are not wired for affairs! You are wired to be a faithful loving wife.....therefore affairs are nothing to fear. Keep your thoughts centered on being what you are wired to be and there will be no time to think on anything else.

    One day you will laugh at a guys advances.....and the notion that you have to fight and run and hide to be who you are: a loving faithful wife..... You will realize that you need not struggle to be who you are.....you can just be.

    Only the adversary would try to convince you that you are something that you are not... Whose report will you believe.? the adversary...or the report of the Lord?

    Be it unto you as you believe..............
     
  11. Lost4words

    Lost4words Like a puppy, i need guidance. Supporter

    +2,746
    United Kingdom
    Catholic
    Single
    Imagine the total destruction and devastation that will come out of adultery! Once you cross that line there is NO going back.

    I agree with others that you should flee the situation. Yes, we have to fight satan. We have to make a stand but, satan is an expert at lies and manipulation.

    You said you are infatuated with this other guy. You need to move away from temptations. Imagine being around this guy all the time. Your mind will not be able to rest.

    Take a deep breath sister. Its time to take a side. Good or evil.

    May God bless and protect you...
     
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  12. Swan7

    Swan7 Made in the image of His Grace Supporter

    +6,586
    Canada
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    Going to God is the best thing you will ever do concerning this matter, or any matter, that being said. Being in God's light will expose darkness hidden within our own heart, but be glad that you have taken this very difficult step!

    Does God want you to leave where you're working? Have you asked Him about this? I ask because it could be that God might want you to truly overcome this. Jesus wrote about overcoming in the Letters to the churches in Revelation 1-3. Instinctively (spiritually speaking) we should flee from sexual sin: Genesis 39:1-20

    Since this is a battle over your mind, this verse is certainly a good example of the need to wash one's mind by reading God's Word: Romans 12.

    A sick person asking for help should not be scorned nor pushed away. Jesus didn't do that, but healed. If they treat you like an outsider, that is wrong. You know your sin and are asking for help, there's nothing wrong with that. If they turn your back on you, they turn their back on the Gospel of Jesus Christ.

    Again, read Revelation 1-3 about that very thing. It's both a warning and encouragement, God is very good at doing both at the same time. Don't fear conviction, but be glad because it means you are on the right path, being corrected, and God is not leading you astray. :yellowheart:
     
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  13. Endeavourer

    Endeavourer Well-Known Member

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    @Girl4God86 :

    Here is a portion of an article written by Dr. Harley, who is an amazing and wonderful Christian expert at saving marriages. He has dedicated a lot of energy and time to studying what causes affairs and how to overcome them. He provides this response to a woman who wrote him about a strong attraction she had for another man:

    "You are on the brink of an affair, and once you jump in, you may not be able to get yourself out before you have done untold damage to your family. Sooner or later most affairs die out, but in their wake they leave unspeakable pain. Your husband would rather have his hand cut off than go through the agony of your unfaithfulness to him. It is the most cruel decision you could possibly make. Avoid that choice at all costs. Instead, dedicate yourself to training your husband to become the man you've always needed.

    "First, you should avoid seeing the man at work altogether, and it will mean quitting your job. You are already addicted to him, and your emotions will control your decisions whenever you see each other. It won't be long before you have thought through a justification of your behavior, and then there will be no stopping you. You will lose all perspective and ruin your marriage and family, to say nothing about intentionally hurting a man who cares a great deal for you. Six months after your affair has started you will be so up to your eyeballs in guilt you will be contemplating suicide. Get this man out of your life at all costs!

    "Then, you should try to come to grips with what it is this man does for you that you need so much you'd risk giving up everything to have it. After you identify what it is about the other man that you find so attractive, try to teach your husband to do whatever it is. I understand personality limitations — your husband is more passive, while this man is more aggressive, like you. But you should be able to identify your needs, such as conversation and recreational companionship, that can be met regardless of the personality type of the person you are with. I have seen remarkable recoveries of couples just like you with seemingly incompatible personalities. It turned out that their personalities were not incompatible, it was their habits and activities that were incompatible. Once their lifestyle changed, their marriages were terrific."


    More at:
    How to Avoid an Affair - Letter #1 (Marriage Builders®, Inc.)
     
  14. Girl4God86

    Girl4God86 New Member

    21
    +30
    United States
    Protestant
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    I've been thinking about what you said and yes I think you are right and that's what I see attractive in this other man, so I am praying for God to remove the inappropriate feelings and help me instead love my husband more and to help my husband become more Godly which is what I need in a husband!
     
  15. Endeavourer

    Endeavourer Well-Known Member

    +758
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    What do you mean for him to become more Godly? What specifically is it that you would like to receive from him?

    Edited to add: It's likely not his "Godliness" that is lacking, rather it's likely he has some habits and behaviors that are not attractive to you, or is missing some habits and behaviors that would be attractive to you. Habits and behaviors can all be changed. It is easier for him to change his habits and behaviors than for you to change your feelings about them. Please come back to me on which issues you have and I'll help you frame your communications to ask for these changes.
     
  16. RaymondG

    RaymondG Well-Known Member

    +2,602
    United States
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    Youve already lost the battle if you start trying to change others to make yourself feel better. Your ability to not sin, or your capacity to sin is/should not be linked to the actions or behaviors of others.

    If another has to change for you to not sin.....then your salvation is dependent on the world.

    You can decide to change yourself once....or continue to change your jobs, your husband's actions, your neighbors behaviors....for the rest of your life.

    There are ways that seemeth right to man....yet the end leads to destruction. Better to change the only one you can change....with the only One who knows the end from the beginning....
     
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  17. Dave G.

    Dave G. Well-Known Member

    +2,584
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    Dead on, you took the words right out of my mouth so I have no need to say them !
     
  18. LoricaLady

    LoricaLady YHWH's Supporter

    +5,123
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    I'd bet you are not going to have an affair. You are concerned about breaking a Commandment. You have been seeking, and taking seriously, counsel from others. You even love your husband so no doubt don't want to hurt him! People are praying for you, too. I think you will get through this and be stronger and wiser against any other such temptations that might come along.
     
  19. LoricaLady

    LoricaLady YHWH's Supporter

    +5,123
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    P.S. You might want to analyze what it is that attracts you to this man that you don't see in your husband. Maybe he is hunky. Well, our hormones do percolate more with good looks, and really that's an auto pilot kind of thing from your body, but something that can still be controlled by controlling the thought life.

    Or may he is extra attentive, complimentary, and flashes a lot of bright smiles your way, and your husband is the more reserved type. Of course I have no idea. But maybe if you see what attracts you to him, you could somehow gently kind of let your husband know how much you really like encouragement and compliments, or whatever, and that they even turn you on! Lol.

    Now it seems, like me, that some here are wondering if the guy at work is really all that godly, or if he is "working" you as a potential conquest. If you get the feeling that he would go along with an affair, you can know for sure that he is a phony. Phonies can not uncommonly be very charming and engaging and push all the right buttons to make a gal want to melt. Then, onto the next conquest. Just something to consider.
     
  20. LoricaLady

    LoricaLady YHWH's Supporter

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    P.P.S. Not to beat a dead horse, but some other thoughts do occur. Again, I'm not there and don't know really what is going on with that guy, but it seems to me that if he is for real he should already be "signaling" that he is unavailable to a married woman, with a certain appropriate, though friendly and professional, distance. I wonder if he ever touches you on your arm or shoulder or wherever with a lingering touch, or if he ever leans in close to you in an intimate way with winning smiles. I wonder if he compliments you on your looks. Stuff like that, which is really not appropriate. Just wondering.

    We all "signal" to people who we are, all the time in innumerable non verbal ways, as well as verbal ways. Again, if this guy isn't signaling "I'm not available to a married woman" (or to any woman if he himself is married) then something is wrong.
     
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