Married a little over a year - constantly arguing - divorce?

sophian

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Hi there,

I have been currently married for 1yr 3 months, and it has been soo hard. We argue every waking day - just when I think it is getting better, we argue back and forth again. There is not one day that goes by that we don't argue. Most people might not think it is a big deal but it is just becoming toxic. I have schizophrenia so it does not really help that I overreact to comments he makes, get defensive, and am just very sensitive. I just don't know how to stop, it is not something that you just can snap out of because it is a mental illness. He is actually really patient, but I feel he does not always treat me good. He does do anything specific, it's just the comments he makes. I am also triggered by certain topics (like his parents who drive me crazy with their ways and our decisions about re-locating to another country). I am already wanting a divorce because marriage is overrated - it is so hard, I don't see anything good about it. We were better off as boyfriend and girlfriend because we got along great. I really want a divorce, I feel I would just be happier alone. Yes it would be lonely but at least I would not be arguing. The arguing is causing me anxiety and I don't want another illness to emerge (like panic attacks, which I have already had and it does not feel good).

I know as a born-again Christian, divorce is a sin (believe me I have studied the scriptures), but I don't even care anymore. I feel like I have prayed everyday for God to do something, with no result. I cannot take it anymore. I keep telling my husband we should not be together because of the arguing, and he keeps holding on. I don't know why he holds on so tightly, we just don't get along. The worse is when I think it will get better, we argue again the next day or even moment! Maybe I am on the wrong forum because I'm most likely going to reminded of all the ways divorce is a sin but it is not the unpardonable sin. I know planned sin is not right, but there are many worser sins (if there is such a thing). I don't even pray anymore about it because all I do is feel the conviction of the Holy Spirit about my divorce thoughts but what about the fact that I am a human that just cannot take so much arguing.

Any comments would be great. I think I just wanted to let it all out..
 

mmksparbud

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Not getting into the Christians shouldn't divorce thing----You don't say what you argue about--just keep in mind that what Dr. Phil says is actually right--you can be right, or you can be happy!--Pick your battles. Is the fight worth it? Is it a matter of what is right before God, or right before you? Is the world coming to an end if you say--"yes, dear" instead of trying to prove why you are right? Is it going to destroy you if you put the other first, instead of trying to put your opinions on a subject first? Very old saying---Don't sweat the small stuff-----it's all small stuff!! God first, the other second--basic rule of getting along in a marriage.
 
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LinkH

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sophian,

So basically, you overreact to his comments because you are sensitive and argue with him, and you want to get a divorce because of that.

It sounds like your husband may be a decent man who is committed to marriage and doesn't believe in divorce when things get difficult. That's great. You should be happy that he is that committed.

Just think what divorcing would do to him. One of my concerns as a single man was what the Bible says about divorce. Jesus said that he that puts away his wife and marries another commits adultery. Romans 7 says that if a wife, as long as her husband lives, if she be married to antoher man, she shall be called an adulterous. The LORD compared Israel to a wife who treacherously departed from her husband. Divorcing a man who believes in marriage can ruin the whole marriage thing for him. It's really messing with someone's life in a really bad way.

As far as the schitzophrenia goes, we all have our own weaknesses, and that may be yours. But don't let it be an excuse to argue. You can just say, "Oh, I have a mental illness" and use that as an excuse to yourself not to try to be a more peaceable wife.

There is a husband and wife who have blogs about marriage. The wife's blog is The Peaceful Wife. She was a Christian wife who thought she had it all together. While reading a book, she began to realize her behavior to her husband wasn't respectful like it should have been. She felt convicted of the way she had treated her husband and repented, and they have had a much more peaceful marriage. You can look up her videos on YouTube, too. You can look up 'The Peaceful Wife' on YouTube and on her blog. Her name is April something. Just listening to her may give you some good tips to examine the things you say and the ways you react. It does take two people to argue, and if you can change your side, you may be able to stop the pattern of arguing. I also recommend that you read and meditate on I Peter 3 and really try to live that out in your life.

I took a married couple's Sunday School Class with my wife once using Eggerich's book "Love and Respect." It was good. The book talks about a 'crazy cycle.' Basically, his theory is that women crave love, and men crave respect. (Of course, each wants both, but not in the same quantity.) A man might say something that makes a wife feel unloved. (He may not do it on purpose.) She responds by saying something that he perceives as disrespectful (maybe not even intentionally). Then it escalates as he says things she feels are unloving and she says things he feels are disrespectful.

If you can identify things that he says that set you off and he can see that, then maybe he can change on his end. If you identify things that you do that cause him to want to argue, you can stop on your end. Really repentance is the answer to your problem, not divorce.

Something to keep in mind as a Christian is that God's grace is sufficient for you. God's grace is enough to keep you out of sin. If you are both believers and both have your hearts right toward God, there is absolutely no reason why you can't get along and have a happy marriage. You need to invite the Lord into your marriage.

I read there was a survey, possibly 2, taken at large conferences that indicated that far less than 2% of married couples who regularly prayed together got divorce. In my own experience, I can testify to the fact that a short time of a couple humbling themselves in prayer can do away with a lot of ill will and resentment really fast. I used to work overseas, in Indonesia, where my wife is from. We normally had live-in maids. That was very affordable over there at the time. But they all go home for the Islamic holidays, time I also got off of work. I had a project I was going to work on during the break. Just before the week started, my mug broke, and we had a bunch of glasses that all looked the same. My wife kept getting on my case for not using the same glass. I didn't want to use the same glass that had been sitting out all day or one that I'd drunk milk out of that morning. I wondered why she was so bent out of shape. I'd wash glasses after they piled up. Anyway, it really annoyed her. She's learned to be a bit more relaxed and respectful about this stuff over time, btw.

Anyway, we were arguing a lot, and she kept getting on my case. Finally, I suggested we pray together. We humbled ourselves in prayer. I asked for the Lord to work in our hearts by His Spirit to convict us of sin and to reconcile us. It worked. We both apologized to each other about the arguments, and all that resentment and ill will that had been piling up was done away with. I know when you've been arguing, it feels tense and it feels like every conversation will turn into an argument. That can be draining.

One way to get out of that pattern is also to follow Jesus' teachings on resentment. Also, the Bible says not to let the sun go down on your wrath. You have to forgive and let go of resentment every day, and not let any argument continue on after sundown. It's a good thing it says sundown instead of before you go to bed. A lot of arguments start after 10 PM because people can get cranky when they are tired. If you argue late at night, it may be a good practice just to agree not to have any serious conversations after 9 or 10 at night and have them in the morning or in the afternoon.

If you can't get along with this man, do you think you'll get along better with another one? Do you want to be an old divorced woman who threw away her first marriage? I knew a woman who married in her 20's and bickered and argued a lot with her first husband. She's one of those really opinionated outspoken types. She went through a string of marriages and relationships, a former car thief, one guy who seemed to be a con man, and I don't know who all else. The first one may have been the best husband she ever had. If the Lord has blessed you with a faithful committed husband, be thankful.
 
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NothingIsImpossible

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I was going to joke about being married one year and arguing and say "Welcome to marriage!", but obviously mores going on here.

How old are you both? Maybe you weren't ready for marriage yet. To many marry super young then get divorced because they didn't realize just how much work it is. BTW not saying to actually get divorced, as obviously I don't believe in that. But maybe you had different ideas on what marriage would be like. Which I partially blame the world for. Media makes it out like its a fairy tale You find prince charming, you marry him, have three kids, a dog, a house and happily ever after. Marriage is alot of work. Especially the first year or two. Once the honeymoon phase wears off then things get tougher because you notice more and you may fight more. You have to learn what fights are worth fighting. Or if something even needs to be fought about.

Your going to have differences. Your going to disagree. I've been married over 3 years now and things are much better then they were at first. I don't think ever get perfectly ok in marriage. Your still two different people living as one in a world that is not easy. And if you leave a marriage for reasons like what you are describing, odds are the next one won't be any better. Stats show odds of another divorce with another marriage go up every time you have a divorce.

Now to be fair you did mention mental illness. Do you see a doctor for it? Have you both seen a marriage counselor? It could really help. I don't really see anything that makes it sound like hes a bad husband. He seems to be trying to be patient, even holding onto your marriage. Do you both go to church alot? Prayers? bible study? Sometimes the farther you get from God, the more your marriage falls apart. Sometimes my wife and I miss one service, then another. Then we miss out devotions for like a week. And prayers. Next thing you know we seem be less hopeful in God, less patient, less.... christians almost. Its why we really try hard to do more as a christian couple. God is needed for marriage.

Also do you ever have nights out for a date (yes you date when married so to speak)? It can rekindle things sometimes. Just go out to eat, catch a movie. Don't bring up stress at home or anything. Just enjoy the day together. Come home and... well its up to you at that point. I won't beat around the bush, God created sex for a reason. I mean yes, you can have kids because of it. But it also is bonding and can relive stress sometimes. Is that end of your marriage lacking at all?
 
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Murby

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Get a book, learn how to argue.

But if when you say "We Argue", what you really mean is "We Fight", that's a different story.

Arguments are a difference of opinion.. Learning how to argue intelligently can be a big help and make things much easier.

Fights however are a different story.. Fights happen when one person does something inconsiderate or downright mean to the other person.. Its not about opinion, its about a lack of consideration, resentment, control, and various other things that waste lots of time.

If fighting is your problem, you need to figure out what you're fighting about and why. You need to figure out what starts the fights.. What feelings are being hurt and why.. is it intentional? accidental? Special needs?

Some of us on this forum don't believe in things like sin or god.. some of us give advice based on pure reality and factual information.

If you got along good as a couple before you were married, but not after, my guess is you should probably focus on something being wrong with expectations.. or something along those lines.

Writing things down and making a list of what bothers you can also help.. Keeping a diary of your thoughts and allowing your spouse to read it can go a long way too.. (so long as you don't try to use it as a weapon).
 
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mkgal1

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If you got along good as a couple before you were married, but not after, my guess is you should probably focus on something being wrong with expectations.. or something along those lines.

Writing things down and making a list of what bothers you can also help.. Keeping a diary of your thoughts and allowing your spouse to read it can go a long way too.. (so long as you don't try to use it as a weapon).
This--IMO---is really good advice.

Have you been able to see a pattern as to what the arguments (or, like Murby mentioned, are they fights?) are about? Is it a matter of expectations not being realistic? I think that keeping a journal is an excellent idea. I know that when I'm in the moment, I have trouble processing things that are being said....but writing allows me to process and gain a bit of clarity.

I don't know if this is possible....but if the issues have to do with the sudden logistics of sharing space, is it possible for you to each have your own spaces (like separate bathrooms...even separate cabinets in the kitchen, if that's an issue right now)?
 
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sophian

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Thanks for all your comments, I really appreciate it, and it was very useful. Today was a lot better than last night. He approached me in the morning a calm, loving, and forgiving way, and it actually melted my heart. I just felt a lot better after that (because I was still contemplating not being with him). We do argue about the same things, so maybe identifying those would be helpful. I just don't know how to stay calm in the moment when he says something I do not like. I start raising my voice, and being so aggressive, it's like I can't control it because he hurts me. Then he apologizes right away and asks me to forget about it, and I try but it takes a few hours. Then I feel bad for how I react the next day because I don't like when that side to me comes out. Also, one day I wrote a list of positive communication techniques I can use in our marriage, but it's like I just forget in the moment. He does not believe in marital counselling, he just wants us to work on things together. So I am thinking of going by myself? I feel like I also have personal issues of getting so defensive, and I am naturally a sensitive person. He really tries with me (he is the calm one and forgiving), and I always feel like giving up. I feel like I put him through a lot sometimes, I feel bad. I tell him after things are calm that he should maybe be with someone else, but he tells me he does not want to. We just have a very big arguing problem, and I do agree I have my part to play in it. I'm hoping marital counselling will help if I go. I will try to appreciate his resilience and commitment to our marriage more. Any advice on how to stay calm in the heat of an argument would help. Thanks again!
 
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AGTG

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If you're a born again Christian, then you really need to recognize the war we are in and prepare accordingly. Our flesh, even after being born again, is "at enmity" with God. That means it's still the enemy of God. This is why Jesus and His disciples fasted. It mortifies the flesh, and makes it a lot easier to follow the Holy Spirit and bear the fruit of the Spirit in daily life.

Moreover, you can further be empowered by the Holy Spirit by being disciplined in your private daily devotion time to studying the Bible and prayer. Coming together as husband and wife in spiritual devotion each night will also draw you both out of your flesh and into the power of the Holy Spirit.

Also, just attitude-wise, submitting to your husband is God's will. That doesn't mean your husband is a dictator, it's just a line of authority so married couples don't strive with one another. If you embrace that, and do the other things I'm suggesting, you may find that you are far stronger than you think as a couple and be free from the fleshy bickering and striving.
 
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mkgal1

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I can't control it because he hurts me. Then he apologizes right away and asks me to forget about it, and I try but it takes a few hours.
With a cycle like that....nothing will ever get resolved when you're asked to "forget about it". The issue is obviously still there (maybe just under the surface)....but still there waiting for an opportunity to be expressed. I've lived that cycle---and it *does* create frustration (I think it's the underlying current of the idea that the other person isn't caring about the same things the other one is--and the idea of "I thought we've already been through this!").

The way you worded this, you said you are always asked to forget about it. Does that mean it's usually one-sided?
 
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LinkH

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Thanks for all your comments, I really appreciate it, and it was very useful. Today was a lot better than last night. He approached me in the morning a calm, loving, and forgiving way, and it actually melted my heart. I just felt a lot better after that (because I was still contemplating not being with him). We do argue about the same things, so maybe identifying those would be helpful. I just don't know how to stay calm in the moment when he says something I do not like. I start raising my voice, and being so aggressive, it's like I can't control it because he hurts me. Then he apologizes right away and asks me to forget about it, and I try but it takes a few hours.

It sounds to me like you are wanting a divorce mainly because of some of our own personality, communication, and anger issues. It also sounds like the chances of your having found a husband better at dealing with these things was probably pretty low. You need to work on your own anger issues. Maybe he's got some things he could learn to know how to relate to you better, but you haven't given a lot of detail about those things.

It would really frustrate me if, when I got into some little disagreement with my wife, that she starts talking about divorce. For one thing, it shows a lack of commitment to him. He may think you love him so little or care so little for him, that you want to divorce him. Basically, your thought process in thinking of divorce seems to be that you are treating your own temporary feelings of anger or frustration as more important than your relationship with him. That could be a very hurtful thing to him. It also seems to show a lack of commitment to the Lord. If you know that when you marry your husband, you are supposed to stay married no matter what your emotional state, why would you throw out the 'D-word.' You've got to stop using the D-word in your marriage and really commit to being married to your husband.

I would imagine that the fact that your husband is committed to being married to you and dismisses these suggestions of divorce probably is comforting to you, makes you feel safe, and makes you feel like your marriage is staying together. It probably puts a feeling of stability into the relationship, or at least makes you feel more confident about the relationship, and gives you confidence that you are staying together. At least, if you suggest divorce one day, and he doesn't go along with it, the next day when you are calm, you probably feel safer. But think of the emotional turmoil that you cause him by suggesting it when you get angry. Think of how unstable it makes him feel? It can make him feel that you are uncommitted and that you don't really love him. It's good if a husband can be an emotional rock for his wife, but men have feelings, too.

Maybe I'm wrong, but it doesn't sound like he's going out of his way to hurt you, but he says things that you don't like that seem hurtful. I hope that's the case rather than him saying something intentionally to hurt you for no reason other than to hurt you. Sometimes difficult, but necessary conversations can be hurtful. And people can say hurtful things unintentionally.

If he doesn't believe in marriage counseling, respect that. But he may be open to other things. Some people are open to meeting with a pastor but not a psychologist or trained marriage counselor. He could be open to Sunday school class, Bible study, or Christian retreat focused on marriage. Your going to counseling alone could help. Some counselors teach communication techniques, how to focus emotions, and useful skills like that.

Then he apologizes right away and asks me to forget about it, and I try but it takes a few hours.

I can relate to this. My wife takes longer to cool down that I do. She's actually gotten a lot better about this over time, which is good. I can remember several years ago, we'd have a discussion where we disagreed about something and she'd get hot under the collar. I'd wonder why we couldn't disagree without her being angry. If I got a little irritated or upset during a discussion, I usually cool down in five or ten seconds. But she'd take a lot longer. I didn't understand why she didn't cool down right away.

Finally, it occured to me that the Bible says not to let the sun go down on your wrath. My dad's advice after our wedding, which wasn't bad, was not to go to bed angry. But the passage doesn't say that. It says not to let the sun go down on your wrath. A lot of couples argue after 10 o'clock at night because they get cranky when they are tired. I used to try to resolve conflicts before bedtime. But it doesn't say that. It says let the sun go down. We both still have some energy at sundown. If my wife is upset at night, I let her sleep it off sometimes now without pushing too much to reconcile. Of course, that is extremely rare these days. But the principle I've learned is I give her some space to sort out here feelings.

Several years ago, when my wife was pregnant with our last child, she got to be rather hard to get along with. She'd get upset over small stuff, and then she'd be real sensitive to things I said. I put the dishes in the dish washer one time, and she rudely bumped me aside and started putting them in her way. I stood there aghast at how disrespectful that was. It occured to me that I hadn't been praying consistently for her about this trait and decided to do so.

She kept getting upset over really small stuff. She was carrying our child, and I knew there were hormonal issues. One time we were talking at night and I said something so unoffensive, so normal that I couldn't see why it upset her. But she was upset about it. It was something so unremarkable I can't remember what I said. I wish I'd have written it down. But I was surprised when I couldn't find her in the apartment and looked out the window and the van was gone. She called me from her older Filippina church friend's house. She said she'd talk to her friend and spend the night and pick up the kids in the morning. I said okay. Her friend had convinced her to call. This was a godly older woman she was speaking with, btw.

A few days before, my wife had told me about a word of knowledge she'd gotten for a woman in her Bible study group, and then how the woman said something that showed that what the Lord had told her was spot on. So I prayed and told the Lord if He could talk to her about these other things, He could speak to her about the respect and other (I Peter 3-related) issues in our marriage. I had along detailed list of about 7 things I hadn't really felt free to discuss with her, really detailed stuff, even stuff like asking God to show her how the way her dad and step-mom interacted caused her to think I had to act a certain way in how we interacted with each other. It was really detailed stuff I was praying. I also had this faith that was unusally strong at the end of the prayer, when I prayed that the scripture says that if we ask according to His will, we know He hears us, that I knew it was God's will for His daughter not walk holy in these areas, so I knew He'd do what I asked.

My wife was going to this 'life change' class at church that was meant to root out deep-seated issues in people's lives. They had a Bible study at a table, same gender groups, and a speaker each week. One week, they were dealing with anger. My wife told herself she didn't have an anger problem. The woman at the table said, "If you get angry at the way your husband does dishes, you probably have an anger problem". She may have listed a few other issues that really hit the nail on the head for my wife.

It seemed like every time I'd talked to my wife for several weeks, we'd argued and bickered. After she got back from the Bible study, she asked me to sit on the couch next to her. Oh, no, I didn't feel like fighting about something. Wait a minute, she's got a nice sweet expression on her face. I sat down next to her. She started off telling me I was a good husband and she was sorry for how she'd treated me.

I'd prayed in faith, but I was still overwhelmed by the results. She took me through the list of about 5 of the seven thigns I'd prayed. She told me that the Lord had spoken to her about several things. I'd prayed a paragraph and she had about two pages worth of things to say about each point I'd prayed. Over the next few weeks, she mentioned the Lord speaking to her about the other two points I'd prayed.

I wrote this up in something with a title along the lines of 'Amazing answers to prayer' in a post around 2012 that I made in this forum. Some of the contents of my prayer would probably be deemed 'off topic' due to the forums restrictions that have been placed on discussing the Biblical responsibilities of wives in marriage.

Anyway, after that, my wife had much less of a struggle with anger and disrespect. We argued a lot less. She also learned to forgive or drop small stuff, or whatever you want to call it, a lot more quickly and easily. She used to get upset when disagreeing with me about something or push to have her own way more before this happened. After, she was a lot easier to get along with. She went through a couple of weeks when I'd see her standing in the house crying about soemthing. I'd ask her why. Then she'd tell me she remembered saying some mean thing to me and ask for my forgiveness. It was a time of repentence and transformation for her.

She also told me she had so much more peace after getting past some of her anger issues. We had a time of renewing our relationship. I remember staying up with her until 1 or 2 AM just talking and enjoying each other's company.
 
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Hank77

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He does not believe in marital counselling, he just wants us to work on things together.
He is not willing to pursue marriage counseling? Hmm.... It seems to me that if he was committed to having a healthy and happy marriage, he would be willing to try anything that may help, unless.....there are things about him that he does not want to reveal or to change.
What did/does his parents marriage look like? When he was growing up was he allowed to express his feelings?
There are people who are passive aggressive. They will start an argument and once the other person is sufficiently upset, they will back off and even apologize for what they said. A person such as yourself, who has an illness that often causes paranoia anyway, is particularly susceptible to this behavior.
So what I am saying is that maybe, just maybe, this isn't all one sided, NOT ALL YOUR FAULT.

It is very hard for people to know what is going on without actually talking to both of you or seeing the interactions between you.
I do think you should seek marriage counseling, even by yourself, from a trained marriage counselor. They know the questions to ask that can help to reveal what is going on here. A face to face with a person trained in psychology is more likely to be able to help you. I would advise looking for one that is a Christian, so that they will understand that divorce is not what a Christian is looking for, but that a Christian is looking for a resolution to the problems.
 
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Murby

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We do argue about the same things, so maybe identifying those would be helpful.
What exactly are you arguing about? If you give me that info, I might be able to classify it and give you some techniques to help. Don't need he-said / she-said specifics, just general information.

I just don't know how to stay calm in the moment when he says something I do not like. I start raising my voice, and being so aggressive, it's like I can't control it because he hurts me.
One trick is to SLOW DOWN.. avoid feeling the need to respond right away.. slow everything down... think about an event that you both enjoyed and shared together to remind you of why you're married to him.. Take a minute or two before responding.. There's no emergency, nothing is going to change if you don't respond right away.

I just don't know how to stay calm in the moment when he says something I do not like.
What is it he's saying that you don't like? This is a significant issue. If he says "I don't like your hair", there's a response for that.. If he says "I want to get my gun and go kill a bunch of kids", there's a whole different response required.

It really makes a difference as to what he's saying that's upsetting you.


Also, one day I wrote a list of positive communication techniques I can use in our marriage, but it's like I just forget in the moment.
That's a good start.. remember that practice makes perfect.. You're not going to be an expert right away.. communication and negotiation is an art form that takes practice. One way you can practice is to envision things he could say to you based on past experiences and how you wish you would respond.. and then envision this again, and again and again...
Don't expect to read a book, write a few things down, and then be an expert right away.. it takes practice and you're gong to make mistakes along the way. You're on the right track.. just keep at it.

We just have a very big arguing problem
Arguing or fighting? And about what?

and I do agree I have my part to play in it.
Yup.. as the old saying goes "It takes two to fight".

Any advice on how to stay calm in the heat of an argument would help.
That's easy.. just avoid the heat.. Slow down your responses, slow down your speech. Speed builds friction, friction builds heat, heat causes combustion. You avoid the heat by slowing down.

This very generalized advice is quite limited without knowing more specifics..
 
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mkgal1

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Any advice on how to stay calm in the heat of an argument would help. Thanks again!
IMO....figuring out what the root issues are is going to help a great deal. In the meantime, maybe when you start feeling overwhelmed with anger and frustration....take that as a cue for you to get to another place where you can process what was said. Let your husband know ahead of time--when you aren't arguing---that you wish to work on this, and that you leaving the room is going to be the healthiest way to deal with the arguing.

Hank posted as I was writing my post (ETA: so did Murby--and he also gave good advice). He made a good point about your husband's reluctance to counseling. I'm wondering (and it's completely conjecture) if your husband is relying on your mental illness to guilt you enough into believing it's your fault solely, that the two of you argue like this. Hank also brought up passive aggressive people---and that's also a good point. It's typical for someone that's passive aggressive to goad and pick at someone long enough to where even the most even-tempered person will blow up (then the focus is on the normal reaction.....and not the original goading and picking).
 
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LinkH

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He is not willing to pursue marriage counseling? Hmm.... It seems to me that if he was committed to having a healthy and happy marriage, he would be willing to try anything that may help, unless.....there are things about him that he does not want to reveal or to change.

If he thinks like you do, then that may be a reasonable thing to say. But if he doesn't think like you do about marriage counseling, it may not be. Some people don't believe in psychology or have other reasons to not like marriage counseling. I knew one guy who seemed to have a phobia that if he went to marriage counseling, the counselor would tell his wife to leave him. I know another man who went to counseling with a psychologist and she said he and his wife needed to break up.
 
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Hank77

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I know another man who went to counseling with a psychologist and she said he and his wife needed to break up.
That is why I advised going to a Christian counselor. The goal is restoration, not divorce. A Christian counselor would be able to guide them to helpful scriptures and pray with them as a couple. He is a Christian, so he would know this.

If he has a phobia causing paranoia, fear, then he needs to face it, get over it, and just Forget about it. Right? That is what he is asking her to do.
 
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LinkH

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If he has a phobia causing paranoia, fear, then he needs to face it, get over it, and just Forget about it. Right? That is what he is asking her to do.

Many couples may benefit from going to a good Christian counselor. But we have no reason to believe that her husband has some kind of phobia about it. He may not believe in psychology, or he may just not want to air his dirty laundry to a stranger. We should respect other people's beliefs. Not wanting to go to some kind of psychological counselor is not grounds for divorce.
 
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Hank77

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Many couples may benefit from going to a good Christian counselor. But we have no reason to believe that her husband has some kind of phobia about it. He may not believe in psychology, or he may just not want to air his dirty laundry to a stranger. We should respect other people's beliefs. Not wanting to go to some kind of psychological counselor is not grounds for divorce.
I did not bring up her husband having a phobia, that was the poster that I responded to.
Neither did I suggest that him not going to a counselor was grounds for divorce. Please try to follow along with the whole conversation.
 
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LinkH

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I did not bring up her husband having a phobia, that was the poster that I responded to.
Neither did I suggest that him not going to a counselor was grounds for divorce. Please try to follow along with the whole conversation.

I'm the person who mentioned the phobia-- about someone else. I wasn't clear from your response if you were talking about the poster's husband.

I didn't mean to imply you thought not going to a counselor was grounds for divorce. Some posters seem to treat it that way.
 
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Honesty-SJ

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First off, let me begin by letting you know that I will pray for you.

Also, I've been there. In November of 2013 at the young age of 19, (I'm 21 now), I was brought to the hospital after a day and a half of behaving in a pretty bizarre way, as my husband recalls. I was admitted to the hospital twice. The first time, I had gone catatonic ; (abnormality of movement and behavior arising from a disturbed mental state (typically schizophrenia). It may involve repetitive or purposeless overactivity, or catalepsy, resistance to passive movement, and negativism.), they had thought I was having seizures so treated it as such. After going catatonic a second time, having come out of it after 8 days, they had determined it was actually schizophrenia. Following the diagnosis, I was put on multiple medications and I remained in the hospital nearly a month. I was to take anti anxiety medication as well as risperidone. It was a nightmare. I felt like I was stuck in my own mind 24/7 without escape. I was with my husband, (then fiance) for 4 months at the time this happened. He had no reason to stay with me but he did, anyways. I couldn't imagine coming out of my catatonic state thinking he was a really good dream I had been having the entire time.

My husband took care of me while I was sick. He had taken on the role of something resembling a PSW, dressing, bathing, feeding and nurturing me back to health, (mostly of the mind). Before I was discharged, my husband had actually received some amazing news while I was in the hospital from one of the top psychologists. He had said that out of all the cases he had observed through the years, he believed I was going to be one to pull through and recover without medications. When I had learned this, I was determined to get off of them. They made me feel and appear soulless. After being on them for about 4 months, I started to cut back on them and eventually came off entirely and just in time to marry the love of my life. We had been together a total of 10 months at this time.

I will tell you, it was a struggle for me. I believe I felt just like you might now, having been newlywed and moved into our own apartment, everything that was familiar felt foreign, including my husband. I felt like I wanted to crawl out of my skin and as far away from our marriage as I possibly could. At that time, my husband was a Christian for 8 years and I had yet to give my life to the Lord. I knew about God, having been taught at a young age a bit and then of course, through the love my husband showed me, I came to know more than I could have ever without him.
It wasn't until June of last year that I decided I was going to get baptized, all the while still feeling miserable in my marriage but I knew it was only my flesh that was feeling this and I had no solid reason for it. Shortly after being baptized, the thoughts came on more frequent and urgent. I knew this was the devil attacking our marriage, though. God does not want us to divorce under ANY circumstance, except for adultery. (Malachi 2:16) "For I hate divorce!" says the LORD, the God of Israel. "To divorce your wife is to overwhelm her with cruelty," says the LORD of Heaven's Armies. "So guard your heart; do not be unfaithful to your wife."
(Mark 10:11) He answered, “Anyone who divorces his wife and marries another woman commits adultery against her"
AND, obviously that goes for both, (Mark 10:12) "And if she divorces her husband and marries another man, she commits adultery"

It seems to me that you have a lot of healing to do but it cannot be done without God. If you abandon your husband, you have given up on God as well. He would NEVER answer your prays about divorcing and he would definitely never encourage it. All you can do is fight against the seemingly powerful hatred that your flesh is spewing towards your husband and toss it in the garbage. You loved your husband and you married him. You took vows before the Lord. You said, "in sickness and in health". Your husband is loving you through your sickness. You must return the same kind of love to him.
Let me suggest this, when your husband and you are not conversing, or arguing, observe him. Look him over, undress him with your eyes if you so desire. Just enjoy him. Think off all the little things that brought you guys close. All the good times you have had and will have together. Embrace him. Enjoy him. Love him. Be intentional and above all DO NOT divorce him.
When you allow yourself to think positively about your marriage and let go of the negativity, you will be able to love your husband as you ought. For me, it took some practice when I was feeling this way, which I no longer do, but a mental illness will not stop you.

It could be expected that you will weep. I know I did but that's only you coming to the realization that all the evil things you have stirring in your mind do not need to be there. They are false and they will only destroy one of the most beautiful things that God has provided you. Don't let the enemy destroy you. During those times that you might feel yourself thinking like this, just remember what the Lord said (Matthew 11:28) "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest" That means you. This includes your burden of feeling like running from your husband. I know it would be the biggest mistake for you to give up on something that can and will bring you so much joy. It will get better. You just have to allow God to do His part and you do yours.
 
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Hank77

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I'm the person who mentioned the phobia-- about someone else. I wasn't clear from your response if you were talking about the poster's husband.

I didn't mean to imply you thought not going to a counselor was grounds for divorce. Some posters seem to treat it that way.
Thank you for your kind response. I'm sorry that I didn't realize it was you who had posted about the phobia.
 
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