Marriage?

[dwd3885]

So my sister is 21 years old and seriously considering getting married right now to a guy she's known for 5 months.

Her boyfriend is going to Iraq in April and they want to get married before he leaves. My family and I are trying to talk her out of this, believing that it will be a terrible decision.

The guy she's with is 27 and he's been divorced once. But that's not the reasoning of our upset behavior.

How can she know what she wants in life at 21 and with someone for 5 months? I know in the end we can only tell her how we really feel, and she's free to make her own decisions.

But what should we do? How can we try to tell her and make her believe that this is a terrible decision?

 

[WileyCoyote]

Maybe it isn't a terrible decision. My Grandma got married at 18 and my Grandpa was 20. Over 40 years later, they are still married.

Maybe you should let your sister do what she feels she needs to do and not try to control her life.

 

[dwd3885]

Maybe it isn't a terrible decision. My Grandma got married at 18 and my Grandpa was 20. Over 40 years later, they are still married.

Maybe you should let your sister do what she feels she needs to do and not try to control her life.

Me and my fiance are getting married in June. that's another thing.

She'd be getting married and then he'd leave and not be back for 2 years. They'd be apart for that amount of time

 

[alfrodull]

I am 20, and my fiance (who, weirdly enough, is also in the military and about to leave for Iraq) proposed to me after five months.

I can't tell you what your sister's reasoning is, but I will tell you mine.

First of all, I know God placed us together. There is no doubt in my mind. So many "coincidences" had to occur for us to even meet, and I had really begun to pray seriously about meeting someone right before I met him. (I'm actually pretty sure I added my name to the "God, We Need Some Husbands" prayer list only a day or two before. Haha.)

And we really are perfect for each other. No, no two people can get along all the time, and I'll admit that aside from being long-distance we hadn't faced many challenges in those five months. But I know that our thought processes, personalities, and spiritual beliefs are compatible enough to work through those challenges and disagreements once they occur.

So then, that's all well and good, but why not wait? Well, he's in the military. There are so many issues with being deployed and moving around that waiting too long on these kind of things is rarely practical. Depending on your sister's circumstances, there may also be financial incentives in getting hitched sooner rather than later. So their decision very well could be a move of logic rather than blind passion. If the deployment thing is what you're worried about, keep in mind that if he stays in the military, this is going to happen throughout their marriage, and it's something they're going to have to deal with eventually anyway.

Unless this guy is a complete jerk who you wouldn't want her marrying under any circumstances, I urge you to be a little more accepting. It would be a shame if you damaged your relationship with her and her potential spouse over something you didn't have much power to stop anyway. And if she does go through with it and things get tough during his deployment, she's going to need support, not to be second-guessing her decision.

 

[TwistTim]

My parents dated for less than a year I think 7 months and got married.... they knew right away they wanted to be with each other.... (and no there wasn't another reason, my sister wasn't born till they had been married 5 years - longer than even an elephant that would have been).......

my grandparents on my moms side.... they were 9 years apart.... he waited for her for 2 years and stayed back from becoming an officer so he could marry her..... (his rank at the end was only S. Sargent)

If it's Love, don't get in the way, my parents are still together after 33 years, and my grandparents shared 54 wonderful years together..... until my Papa passed away......

so the guy had a bad relationship in the past, is that gonna condemn him from love now?
ask yourself if he was a virgin, and never married, and going overseas, would you be as opposed to it?

and your right, she is 21 and an adult and it is her decision to make, good or bad, and to live with.

You'd be surprised what a 21 year old can decide to do with their lives... some have purposed at that age to become president and worked their live to get there... others, human rights activists, preachers, etc.....
in fact, I'd say 21 is the average age of college students deciding that what they are studying is going to the field they want to be in and is the age most of them get married.

While your concern is certainly appreciated..... telling her no and confronting her, could drive her all the more into it... or make her leave the one she loves and give up on her dream of love....

 

[dwd3885]

My parents dated for less than a year I think 7 months and got married.... they knew right away they wanted to be with each other.... (and no there wasn't another reason, my sister wasn't born till they had been married 5 years - longer than even an elephant that would have been).......

my grandparents on my moms side.... they were 9 years apart.... he waited for her for 2 years and stayed back from becoming an officer so he could marry her..... (his rank at the end was only S. Sargent)

If it's Love, don't get in the way, my parents are still together after 33 years, and my grandparents shared 54 wonderful years together..... until my Papa passed away......

so the guy had a bad relationship in the past, is that gonna condemn him from love now?
ask yourself if he was a virgin, and never married, and going overseas, would you be as opposed to it?

and your right, she is 21 and an adult and it is her decision to make, good or bad, and to live with.

You'd be surprised what a 21 year old can decide to do with their lives... some have purposed at that age to become president and worked their live to get there... others, human rights activists, preachers, etc.....
in fact, I'd say 21 is the average age of college students deciding that what they are studying is going to the field they want to be in and is the age most of them get married.

While your concern is certainly appreciated..... telling her no and confronting her, could drive her all the more into it... or make her leave the one she loves and give up on her dream of love....

but when she asks for support and what I think about it I tell her what I think. I don't sugar coat this for her.

I feel if he really loved her, he would wait. He's scared that after 2 years of being away, she won't be there for him, that's why he's asking her now.

Every guy she has dated she thought she'd marry after a week. She works on blind emotion. She tells me this guy is different, but how can that be so true if she's thought the same after each boyfriend she's been with?

And yea, the guy is a jerk who I wouldn't want her marrying in any circumstance. If he wasn't leaving for Iraq, would they be getting married now? Answer=No.

So I tell her what I think. I love her and want whats best for her. This isn't what is best for her. Being away from her husband for two years? TWO weeks before she met this guy she said she was never going to get married and she embraced that decision. I said, OK, because I know she's crazy sometimes. She makes hasty decisions. I don't want this to be one of them

 

[Blank123]

honestly it sounds like this is probably a mistake she will have to make to learn that maybe her family has some insight that she won't if she really does work on blind passion.

i'm thinking she really can't comprehend what its like to be away from someone for 2 years or how hard LDRs can be. Read her 1 Cor 13 and remind her that real love waits, real love is patient, real love endures. If what they have is real love why not see if it can stand the test of Scripture and last the 2 years he's away? once they've weathered that and are still certain they are perfect for each other then your family can't really object too much anymore on the basis that she's too young or they haven't known each other long enough.

 

[*Starlight*]

Wow, 21 is very early to get married. I'm 21 and I couldn't even imagine myself married... but I guess people are different, so maybe for her it's ok...

 

[MysticAngel]

but when she asks for support and what I think about it I tell her what I think. I don't sugar coat this for her.

I feel if he really loved her, he would wait. He's scared that after 2 years of being away, she won't be there for him, that's why he's asking her now.

Every guy she has dated she thought she'd marry after a week. She works on blind emotion. She tells me this guy is different, but how can that be so true if she's thought the same after each boyfriend she's been with?

And yea, the guy is a jerk who I wouldn't want her marrying in any circumstance. If he wasn't leaving for Iraq, would they be getting married now? Answer=No.

So I tell her what I think. I love her and want whats best for her. This isn't what is best for her. Being away from her husband for two years? TWO weeks before she met this guy she said she was never going to get married and she embraced that decision. I said, OK, because I know she's crazy sometimes. She makes hasty decisions. I don't want this to be one of them

I understand where you're coming from, you sound like a great brother. Unfortunately sometimes we just have to stand by and let our loved ones learn from the choices they make. I hope she makes the best decision for herself.

 

[-~Truth_N_Trust~-]

it may be a terrible decision, but it's her terrible decision. Definately talk to her but do it in love (no 'how can you be so stupids!').

FYI, I was married 5 years ago at 18, I'm still happily married. I had 'friends' tell me I was stupid, not nice at all...

 

[Teufelhund]

but when she asks for support and what I think about it I tell her what I think. I don't sugar coat this for her.

I feel if he really loved her, he would wait. He's scared that after 2 years of being away, she won't be there for him, that's why he's asking her now.

Every guy she has dated she thought she'd marry after a week. She works on blind emotion. She tells me this guy is different, but how can that be so true if she's thought the same after each boyfriend she's been with?

And yea, the guy is a jerk who I wouldn't want her marrying in any circumstance. If he wasn't leaving for Iraq, would they be getting married now? Answer=No.

So I tell her what I think. I love her and want whats best for her. This isn't what is best for her. Being away from her husband for two years? TWO weeks before she met this guy she said she was never going to get married and she embraced that decision. I said, OK, because I know she's crazy sometimes. She makes hasty decisions. I don't want this to be one of them

I would just support her. Don't sugarcoat your feelings about the issue. But recognize that the military lifestyle is not one that is condusive to waiting. Maybe he loves her and he is afraid that he won't be able to come back after those two years. Going to war is something that those who have never done can never truly understand. So it is very possible that he wishes to marry her at this time for fear that he will not be able to later.

 

[Sketcher]

The age isn't a problem so much as the circumstances and the obvious immaturity. This has "problem" written all over it. He's divorced, so it's probably not legitimate according to Scripture. This is on top of the general foolishness of marrying someone you've only known for 5 months and not being able to see them again for another 2 years. I would be very against it too, but she's probably not going to listen to anyone telling her no. I'd say try the 1 Cor 13 test as littletigress mentioned, pray about it, etc.

 

[kallenfranchise]

perhaps, love at first sight.

 

[TwistTim]

The age isn't a problem so much as the circumstances and the obvious immaturity. This has "problem" written all over it. He's divorced, so it's probably not legitimate according to Scripture. This is on top of the general foolishness of marrying someone you've only known for 5 months and not being able to see them again for another 2 years. I would be very against it too, but she's probably not going to listen to anyone telling her no. I'd say try the 1 Cor 13 test as littletigress mentioned, pray about it, etc.

There is nothing in the Actual Real Bible that forbids a divorced man to remarry..... unless it's back to the one he divorced...... Roman Catholic Traditions and dogmas on the other hand.... but I'm not R. Catholic.....
the problem would be did he divorce so he could remarry? we don't know..... but most likely not......

Ok, 1 Cor. 13 test.... "Love is Patient, Love is Etc" let's look at that... Love is Patient.... if it's love and like others have pointed out marrying someone in the military life is it's own set of problems.... waiting for them to come back from overseas it is better to be married to them than to not be.....

as far as her being mature enough or whatever.... she is 21, it's her life to mess up.... getting in her face will only drive her away...... gentleness goes a long way in many areas.....

 

[Mr. 5020]

So my sister is 21 years old and seriously considering getting married right now to a guy she's known for 5 months.

Her boyfriend is going to Iraq in April and they want to get married before he leaves. My family and I are trying to talk her out of this, believing that it will be a terrible decision.

The guy she's with is 27 and he's been divorced once. But that's not the reasoning of our upset behavior.

How can she know what she wants in life at 21 and with someone for 5 months? I know in the end we can only tell her how we really feel, and she's free to make her own decisions.

But what should we do? How can we try to tell her and make her believe that this is a terrible decision?

If it's a terrible decision, she will probably realize it while he's in Iraq.

So really... what's the worst that could happen?

 

[sammynic]

I see your concern but who are you to tell her she doesn't know what she wants? I am tired of people telling me that I am too young to know what I want and to get married, but there is no talking me out of it. Then again, we've been together 2 1/2 years and we're waiting another year before the wedding, but still, the point is, how can you factor in age and a previous divorce? Things happen. :[

 

[TwistTim]

my sister is married to a man who served this great country in Desert Storm I and II and he was married before and she was living a wild life before they settled down.... they didn't date for long..... he had been married once before.... now 3 kids and 7 years later.... they are still happily in love..... oh sure they have spats.... but what could doesn't? and he is a good guy to hang around, even if he doesn't say much..... so like I said before... it could be a good thing.... even if you don't see that now....

 

[bumblebee62331]

Trust me, by attempting to stop her, you're simply driving her into his arms. Step back and be there for her, but your sister is an adult and ultimately it's her decision. Support her, love her, but don't judge her and don't try to influence her because if you continue, you will end up with your sister no longer talking to her family.

 

[Sketcher]

There is nothing in the Actual Real Bible that forbids a divorced man to remarry..... unless it's back to the one he divorced...... Roman Catholic Traditions and dogmas on the other hand.... but I'm not R. Catholic.....
the problem would be did he divorce so he could remarry? we don't know..... but most likely not......

The Catholics are actually very Biblical on this issue. They read Mark 10:11-12, Luke 16:18, and 1 Corinthians 7:10-11, and they actually follow them. I go by the Matthian Exception, which permits it in the case of infidelity, because that is special permission from the mouth of our Lord (Matt 19:9). Which is still too strict for the sellout churches out there, sadly enough.

Ok, 1 Cor. 13 test.... "Love is Patient, Love is Etc" let's look at that... Love is Patient.... if it's love and like others have pointed out marrying someone in the military life is it's own set of problems.... waiting for them to come back from overseas it is better to be married to them than to not be.....

You may be right there. I suggested this test because she's only known the guy for 5 months, and it has persuaded me that what I have had was infatuation rather than love - maybe she'll see the same thing.

as far as her being mature enough or whatever.... she is 21, it's her life to mess up.... getting in her face will only drive her away...... gentleness goes a long way in many areas.....

Yeah, her age means nothing in terms of maturity, sadly enough. I don't recommend getting in her face about it, you just can't approach these people who are spellbound.

 

[ImperialPhantom]

Dwd, you haven't said how he's a jerk to her NOW, or if he treats her poorly or well NOW. Does he? How does he treat her? That's the real issue, not whether he's been divorced or not or what's in his past, or how long they have been dating. My fiance's 21 and brother isn't a big fan of us getting married so soon (dating since May 2007, getting married April 2008) but we love each other and we know God has brought us together AND given His seal of approval to the wedding date.

Chances are, unless you two are very close, he probably knows her better now than you do. You have an image of her and how she should be and what she should do that stems from what you know about her from growing up with her, but at her age, she's already changed a LOT, and is still changing. Unless you and her are very close, you really don't know the real her right now, at this present moment.