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Marriage woes

Discussion in 'The Ancient Way - Eastern Orthodox' started by daydreameranastasia, Nov 25, 2020.

  1. daydreameranastasia

    daydreameranastasia Just a library lady

    408
    +391
    Germany
    Eastern Orthodox
    Private
    ***ORTHODOX ANSWERS ONLY THANK YOU***

    Again, priest is currently deployed and my godmother doesn’t quite understand. My parents are really no help.
    I am a Christian, my husband is not. I became orthodox after my marriage. I was married by a woman preacher which I disagreed with at the time but I digress. I’ve been married since 2014 and we’re both 34.
    I just. I don’t know if I can anymore.
    He has zero intimacy with me and rather uses pornography. I’ve told him how much it hurts me but he has zero empathy for my feelings. This has been going on for about 5 years. Barely any hugs or kisses. Nothing.
    Before we married he told me that he wanted children biologically. He changed his mind and says adoption is the only option because he just doesn’t want me to leave. But he makes zero effort in researching any adoption information.
    I feel alone. He’s a narcissist. All the signs and traits. I don’t even know what I am. I just feel like a servant and get paid in room and board.
    I try to tell him so much but he ignores it or says it’s normal to watch that stuff or whatever. He then just ends up telling me it’s easier to do than actual intimacy. But I don’t feel loved. It’s not his health, he has had his testosterone and other things checked.
    I feel trapped. I feel like it’s my fault. I don’t know what to do. I don’t even feel like he has ever really been a husband to me at all.

    god bless
     
    We teamed up with Faith Counseling. Can they help you today?
  2. Pavel Mosko

    Pavel Mosko Arch-Dude of the Apostolic Supporter

    +3,001
    United States
    Oriental Orthodox
    Single
    Outside of prayer and being the best Christian you can be not a lot you can do.

    You could maybe try to step up the prayer and not just in your devotions. I know in Catholic and Coptic services their can be special prayer requests made. I've seen people pass little written notes to the deacons to be left at the altar or read by the priest etc. in Coptic services. I assume you guys must have something like that (never did it myself).
     
  3. tapi

    tapi Regular Member

    +354
    Sweden
    Eastern Orthodox
    Private
    I hope you can talk things through in-depth with someone spiritually reliable and wise (hopefully your priest, if he's gone for a long time you can seek counsel from someone else). Without knowing the details any better it is very hard to offer advise, I will say though, if a relationship is abusive (not limited to physical abuse) , as it often is with narcists, no-one should endure that for the rest of their lives.
     
    Last edited: Nov 25, 2020
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  4. Anhelyna

    Anhelyna Handmaid of God CF Senior Ambassador Supporter

    +14,162
    Eastern Orthodox
    Private
    @section9+1

    The OP asked very clearly in her opening post ***ORTHODOX ANSWERS ONLY THANK YOU***

    I would be most grateful if you would respect her wishes

    Anhelyna - Senior Ambassador Member
     
  5. ArmyMatt

    ArmyMatt Regular Member Supporter

    +15,375
    United States
    Eastern Orthodox
    Married
    I would agree to get some spiritual guidance from someone close, especially if you can't get to your priest.

    and it's not your fault.

    Lord have mercy!
     
  6. buzuxi02

    buzuxi02 Veteran

    +2,199
    Eastern Orthodox
    Single
    He has psychological issues? If he doesn't make a concerted effort to change and work things out or even seek therapy, then divorce maybe your last option.
    All the things you've listed are grounds which allow for divorce.
     
  7. Julie Beaver

    Julie Beaver New Member

    2
    +4
    United States
    Nazarene
    Married
    Marriage woes I have been married for 41 years the year of COVID has been devastating for me and our marriage. I always have had the highest respect for my husband but in May of 2020 he revealed a secret that he had been carrying for many years. He told me that God has been dealing with him to tell me the truth. I was praising him for his spiritual growth and positive changes I had been seeing in him. He told me his secret that he had been spending a lot of time on the internet viewing porn and that he also had been using a method to eject his sperm. We have always struggled with sex and infertility issues. I was feeling so betrayed and lost here it is February and I still feel this way. Do I believe that he is continuing to do these things no I don't but Satan will use this to get me down and upset. I also deal with serious mental health issues. I went to our pastor for help and did not get support or anything that I felt I needed. In fact she must have been in a bad mood because she never reached out or did anything for me at all. I want to stay in my marriage but my Love for him is growing cold at times and I honestly don't know what to do.
     
  8. Anhelyna

    Anhelyna Handmaid of God CF Senior Ambassador Supporter

    +14,162
    Eastern Orthodox
    Private
    AGAIN - I would remind all posting here that in the opening post , the poster stated

    ***ORTHODOX ANSWERS ONLY THANK YOU***

    I would be grateful if ALL posters would respect her wishes

    Anhelyna - Senior Ambassador Member
     
  9. ArmyMatt

    ArmyMatt Regular Member Supporter

    +15,375
    United States
    Eastern Orthodox
    Married
    and this isn't the place to be that graphic.
     
  10. Julie Beaver

    Julie Beaver New Member

    2
    +4
    United States
    Nazarene
    Married
    What's the matter sex is legal between a man and a woman. Also porn does exist and it is a sin but hate to tell you I am a normal woman that needs some kindness. Don't need your judgment and righteous attitude. Get down on your knees where real people with real problems live.
     
  11. ArmyMatt

    ArmyMatt Regular Member Supporter

    +15,375
    United States
    Eastern Orthodox
    Married
    no one is judging you. just reminding you of the rules and requesting you not be as graphic.
     
  12. truefiction1

    truefiction1 Fool

    +1,941
    United States
    Eastern Orthodox
    Married
    I hope you can get to talk with your priest soon. It's not my place to give advice in this matter because I don't know you and your husband personally. Prayers for you. Lord have mercy. Let us Love the Lord Jesus Christ above all things.
     
  13. abacabb3

    abacabb3 Newbie

    +343
    Christian
    Married
    I'm Orthodox, but not a priest, but here is my reply.

    One, to the original poster, I am very sorry to hear you are going through a real difficult time. I am going to withhold complete judgement of your husband as I think anyone who would completely judge your situation without hearing what he had to say would be "judging before its time" and this is not good.

    It is absolutely wrong and not justifiable for him to look at pornography. He may not be religious and so men out there in the world do this, but it is wrong.

    It also must be said there is obviously some reason why your husband is not being physically affectionate. He may be a repressed pervert. You may have done things to insult him. Even then, men will still sleep with women that insult them generally (men don't have high standards, not all, but many.) I am speaking stereotypes. But, there is more here.

    Divorce is not an option. That's the easy way out and he has not physically had an affair.

    You should speak to your spiritual father about this. Just don't have a romantic view of spiritual fathers. Unless they are clairvoyant, they can be wrong. This does not mean that you can disagree and ignore them. Absolutely not. The hagiographies make clear it is better to follow a bad obedience, as long as it is not evil, than to not follow one at all.

    However, you have to keep an open mind to receiving a blessing to seek spiritual advice or additional guidance from other people. Speaking to another couple, both a man and a woman, is usually the best thing. That way everyone gets grilled, humbled, and improved.

    I know a man whose wife has post-partum depression. He does not look at pornography, other women, he's home all the time, he attempts physical affection (like a kiss on the head) but is rebuffed. Why? His wife is convinced he is secretly fantasizing about other women. She has no evidence of this of course, other than her interpretations of his facial expressions. They have sought help with three priests together, had a blessing to change a spiritual father, two therapists, and he spoke to 2-3 different priests himself just to see if he was justified to ask for a blessing to seek help elsewhere.

    Ultimately, his wife was hardened against him because the first priest gave advice along the lines of "maybe he is thinking of other women, you cannot know one way or the other" instead of a better answer such as, "we *must* not judge what is going through people's heads" and not entertaining the other stuff. The second priest told her she gave birth, lost her looks, and that's why he's looking at other women. Suffice it to say, she is very emotionally damaged at this point.

    So pray, prepare to be patient, and keep an open mind. We are often our own worse enemies, and though we may be "less wrong" or barely wrong at all, we need to be humble, be prepared to make sacrifices, and work to make the marriage successful against all odds.
     
  14. daydreameranastasia

    daydreameranastasia Just a library lady

    408
    +391
    Germany
    Eastern Orthodox
    Private
    I want to thank you both for replying.
    My priest is still deployed BUT we did however get some marriage counseling (albeit secular but something is better than nothing).
    I sent him articles of information and studies about the proven problems that pornography causes physically and emotionally for men, women and couples and how pornography ruins marriages and relationships. He read them and became aware of my concerns. He also became aware of patterns in himself due to pornography.
    I also sent him some information about covert narcissists and he became very concerned about it (most narcissists don’t care or become angry). I then found information about how high functioning autism or Aspergers can be mistaken for narcissistic behavior. I sent him a self test and he scored so high the results said to go to a psychiatrist and get tested. So, we’re looking to get him tested for autism soon.
    This is all to say that our marriage overall is actually improving. Slowly but the best progress is slow progress.
    Glory to God!
    thank you everyone.
    God bless.
     
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  15. InnerPhyre

    InnerPhyre Well-Known Member

    +1,401
    Eastern Orthodox
    Single
    It sounds to me like you are in an abusive relationship and are fortunate not to have children with him and if it were me, I would move on and kick him to the curb because you cannot force someone not to abuse you. I don’t know all the ins and outs of your life, so I can’t say that my initial impression is correct, but if it’s as you present it here, you are being abused and should get yourself out of this situation. Is it possible your husband is a homosexual? If so it would be better for his happiness as well as yours to leave him.
     
  16. InnerPhyre

    InnerPhyre Well-Known Member

    +1,401
    Eastern Orthodox
    Single
    As an addendum, Christ said “But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart.”

    And also
    “I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another woman commits adultery.”

    So freeing yourself from this toxic situation is not against the words of the Lord.


     
  17. daydreameranastasia

    daydreameranastasia Just a library lady

    408
    +391
    Germany
    Eastern Orthodox
    Private
    So I gave an update in the post before yours :)
     
  18. abacabb3

    abacabb3 Newbie

    +343
    Christian
    Married
    This is terrible advice.
     
  19. InnerPhyre

    InnerPhyre Well-Known Member

    +1,401
    Eastern Orthodox
    Single
    Nobody’s perfect.
     
  20. abacabb3

    abacabb3 Newbie

    +343
    Christian
    Married
    Indeed. We don't give up on each other when we fall!
     
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