Hello!
I need some prospective. Recently my gf told me that it’s marry her now or we’re done. I will try to hit the highlights.
I am a late 30’s, man, little brother, educated, never married, 2 boys, 8 & 13. Youngest lives part time with me. The oldest lives with me and doesn’t have a mom. I was baptized 3 years ago at her church. I say her church as I was heavily involved and loved it there. As soon as I left no one in the church has had time for me. I am still reaching out yet their only talking to me if something is wrong with a tithe or donation. I have checkered gypsy past prior to oldest son being born. Farm boy with a farm. Traveled for work and made a great living. Choose to move home in the country.
She is also late 30’s, educated, only child, divorced, no kids, recovering alcoholic, and extremely involved in church. City girl. Daddies girl. He still bails her out routinely and never lets her hear the end of it. 10+ years at same job. 10+ years managing depression and weight. Don’t take that wrong I absolutely love how she’s built but she has a skewed self image. Very active and athletic when she’s feeling good. Love her adventurous side. Great with church kids. Makes me laugh. Loves animals even more than me.
We have been dating 3.5 years. I purchased a wedding ring a little over 1.5years into it. I knew she was the one. Her father has not giving me his blessing multiple times. I finally told her about her dad not blessing our marriage and after several weeks of cooling down she said she didn’t care. It took me some time to come on board with that as I have lost my father and hoped to start with my father in laws blessing. I tried to plan the perfect unique way to ask her but she was never available. By that time she had plugged herself so much into the church there was no time for anything that I felt would be special enough for her. I will touch more on that in a bit.
The last 1.5 years We’ve been doing the long distance thing and it has taking its tole. At first being 6.5 hours apart. I worked 80+ hours a week and had to push it to be able to go see her and juggle time between boys. She only came to visit once, working a 40 hour a week job, in that time because of her church obligations. She did meet me a couple of times half way. A lot of the time when I would come see her we would go with the church camping, floating, roller skating, etc. which enjoyed. Speaking of seeing each other if Anything came up to change plans she would throw a fit. A very passive aggressive fit. For example as a surprise I got tickets to her favorite sporting event out of state. The week before more tickets became available and my oldest son could go. She was so butt hurt that our trip together could now involve him, she refused to go. Wanting us to completely cancel it. It hurt me a lot. But I’m glade we went ahead without her.
Rewind to when I first went back on the road away from her she was going to go with me and talked the talk but when it came time she didn’t. Then a couple weeks into it she began to pick fights over and over on the phone. Saying the most horrible things just to hurt me. That caused a huge rift to form but eventually we worked it out. She said it was because she was scared to leave her church and parents. Then saying that we could just get married any day. Any random day at church or court house. That we didn’t need an engagement.
I had been helping her a lot financially through the course of our relationship so she wouldn’t be dependent on her parents. Her father is very controlling and her mother is a functioning alcoholic. Getting her out of debt and making improvements to her home so she would be some what self sufficient.
My father raised me and he died when I was 16. My mother has always been around but is not involved unless she needs something.
We have also done mission work together. Being honest that has been some of my toughest times in our relationship. She wanted me all to her self and by her side. She has more mission experience than me. I am a large, well trained man, and usually only 2 men go on our mission trips. Not planned that way it just happens. These are abroad and in questionable areas. Having to bookend the group, being aware, and carry supplies, limited our time together. Our roles were way different but she didn’t see it that way. We worked on this to but haven’t gone on another since the last blow up.
Up until the ultimatum I was unaware of her having so much guilt over our sexual relationship. At the beginning of our relationship we fell to temptation. Mid way through we decided to stop and try to do it right. We did fail some. She told me how she recently apologized to everyone in the church for our sexual relationship.
She plugged herself into multiple church groups and functions. Being involved with the church at least 4 afternoons a week and all day Sunday. Most Saturdays to. When her church commitments got to the point they obviously came before us and the boys I confronted her. Don’t get me wrong I loved being plugged into the church to! But we always had time for all of us. Then there became no time for us. You can imagine where that conversation went. With our church family not being there for me it has driven me to this forum for help. I must note that at this time she works multiple bible studies. Not that it’s bad it’s 2-3 in different groups at church fallowed by another 2-3 on the Bible app at any given time. She may be able to but I couldn’t process that much. I remember when as an adult I found my thirst for the word! There was no bible app or small groups available . My bible, notebook, and me. I was lucky to find a Wednesday night service and Sunday couldn’t come fast enough no matter what town I was in. Thank goodness for all the good word the Christian radio stations put out. But even latter plugging in to the our church and attending men’s groups and other more specialized ministries it was hard for me to devote enough time to each lesson to fully process it.
Obviously it is a very touchy subject because we all have a different walk with Christ. And our walks are always changing. Hopefully growing us into better stronger Christians. Just like being hit with the ultimatum I initial withdrew because my love and motives where questioned. When ones walk is questioned the same thing usually happens. And in her case the how dare you’s and accusations began. That is another reason I’ve sought out advice on this site. The strong Christians I knew are not there for me. The worldly acquaintances I still have are not the type I want to solicit for advice. On her end she only has 2 friends and they rotate. One is very plugged into the church but lives a questionable lifestyle. The other is very plugged into another church but lives a party lifestyle. Both of which she will get into fights with and they will not be friends. When that happens she goes to the other. When the fight happens with the other she goes back to the first one in a big cycle.
I also need to note that my grandmother is 91 and goes to a Methodist church when able. One she attended her whole life and even went 10 years without missing a Sunday. She refuses to go to this church. Stating that her beliefs are nondenominational and she will only go to those church’s. Which I’m perfectly ok with as I prefer nondenominational church’s. But when my grandmother feels up to going and I’m able I want to go with her. On those same notes my Immigrant grandfather helped build a Russian Orthodox Church that’s on the historical registry. One that my family and older brother attended until it closed. Very rarely do they hold events there to help maintain it. She went with me to one dinner and refuses to go back. Saying it is against her nondenominational beliefs to be in a church like that.
I can’t help but feel that with my recent job change and having no extra income and having to sell almost all my assets to be with both my boys daily has a lot to do with it to. As I am no longer able to provide the extras for her. She even tried to give back a lot of the gifts I had giving her after the ultimatum. Or maybe she’s still scarred of leaving the church and her folks and saw me moving home as a threat to that?
We have also endured the preteen jerk phase and teen phase together. My youngest adores her. This ultimatum happened right after church camp. My oldest stayed with her several days and then she took him to camp. I picked him up from camp and we went to her house and waited for her to finish work. Planning to stay a long weekend together and after church we would go home. She was in a funk and I asked her what was wrong. So we talked.
This talk was more about her telling me again how bad her previous marriage was and how much abuse she went through but still stayed through it and how us not being married is terrible and that it is to much for her to bare unless we were at least engaged. On a side note she had told me about how she purposed to a long term boyfriend at one point. Anyways And that she would love for us to stay the weekend but not with her unless we got engaged. That she wants to be married and she’s ok if I’m not ready she just won’t be with me anymore until I am. She also expressed how much she loved my boys and hoped and prayed that she wasn’t doing this to soon before my oldest wanted her to be his mom again. So my oldest before puberty wanted her to be his mom. Then it hit and he became a preteen jerk lol Anyway I tried to express myself and ask questions and she got angry and combative. Every argument we’ve had began that way. She talks then I talk, she then says that there’s no way I should feel that way and demands examples. Putting me on the spot in a loose loose situation. I try to talk it through she yells and has to assign blame. Every little little argument has to have blamed assigned by her. Which leads to the sarcasm and passive aggressiveness. I try to walk off to cool off because Fighting like this never helps. Earlier in our relationship she even said she doesn’t know how to be in a relationship without fighting. So she yells some more then I yell and she flips out telling me not to yell. Typing that sounds so silly but I’m afraid we’ve had it happen many times. And frankly the lack of intimate communication or listening has been a huge hang up in me popping the question. I thrive on openness and acceptance and just plain ol’ love. There’s no need to beat each other up emotionally. She tells everyone how I’m her best friend and how she’s loves having me as her best friend yet she is not accepting of all of me. I listen to her always and sincerely. However she doesn’t listen to me. I’ve lived a pretty colorful life and when I tell a story with relevance she dismisses it. When I talk about how I feel she dismisses my feelings. Almost always leading into a fight like above.
Another thing that bothers her is how I’m always planning for us and the future. Involving her to help make the best decisions for us. She gets upset and says we’re just dating and not married. That she feels the planning is a waste of time with us not being married yet. But all she talks about is being married. Her on the other hand has never once made preparations for marriage that she shared or showed me other than telling me she wants to be. Maybe that’s my fault. Maybe I shouldn't include her in my life like that until we’re at least Engaged.
Anyway back to the ultimatum day I decided my son and I were going home. Our talk was away from him. She cried and cried and didn’t want me to leave. I told my son we had to leave because I wanted to see my youngest sons baseball game. Which he did have one late the coming Sunday. She txt me the entire 4 hour drive. Saying how she was balling on the floor and how not being married made her feel worthless that there’s something wrong with her. I wanted to comfort her but didn’t know how after the bomb she dropped on me.
The very next day while fixing lunch together my oldest wanted to talk. My 13 year old took me to the living room and sat me down to tell me he wanted her to be his mom. I thanked him and went out side and lost it. He has no idea what happened the day before.
Since then her uncle died and I’ve tried to reach out to her and she is not being receptive. She has an extremely hard time with death. Her world shakes when anyone that she might know has a family or friend pass away. It rocks her for weeks. Yet she will not go to a funeral or wake because there that far removed from her. Only going to her coworkers sons funeral and asking me to not go because she wanted to do it with just her coworkers. I obliged but it left a strange taste in my mouth.
I have reached out a little. Over her uncle and praying for her. I’ve also shared about the boys first days back at school and their new sports seasons and she is very cold. I just don’t feel like I should be the one chasing her at this time. Seems like it’s just a combination of all the things.
I have a feeling her depression has kicked in overdrive. After leaving her abusive husband around 8 years ago she got on antidepressants. Since then shes gained a lot of weight and stayed on the same original dose. I have suggested she go back to her doctor and possibly up the dose as her body might’ve built a tolerance and she is considerably bigger than when prescribed the original dose. That was not an easy conversation. A little over a year ago I discovered my thyroid wasn’t working and got on thyroid medication. I suggested she go and have blood work done at a hormone clinic to. She agreed but then would only go to her general practitioner. :/ And has yet to go back to the doc that prescribed antidepressants.
The kicker in all this is I’ve only been home about 3 months. I’ve been at my new job almost a month and a half. And the ultimatum happened 3 weeks ago.
The ultimatum on top of living and lifestyle changes with finances being extremely tight and my church family not having time for me has me at a loss. I can say that these last couple weeks have been some of the worst in my life. If it wasn’t for my relationship with Jesus these would be. Being back home and a family man who doesn’t smoke or drink or go out limits my acquaintances and I’m ok with that. I still help everyone I can thats in need. Being a Christian man limits who’s advice I solicit. The last 1.5 years were riddled with family emergencies that wiped out my savings completely. Even with a good job being home my finances are not just bleeding out but hemorrhaging. I have everything but the house and land for sale. I watched my mother use my father and then leave over similar financial circumstances. This ultimatum coming at such a difficult time for me brings back bitter memories.
I am stressed and at a loss of what to do. Of who to talk to. I’ve been continuing in prayer but it is getting very hard. Maintaining face for the kids. Fighting the good fight. I am trying to stay looking up but am in a tail spin on the inside.
I know I’ve highlighted mostly bad but there is a lot of good. I just can’t help but think you marry the person not the persons potential. There has been enough red flags and chance circumstances for our marriage not to happen yet.
Any advice is greatly appreciated. For those that read the entire post thank you so much for carrying for a stranger.
I need some prospective. Recently my gf told me that it’s marry her now or we’re done. I will try to hit the highlights.
I am a late 30’s, man, little brother, educated, never married, 2 boys, 8 & 13. Youngest lives part time with me. The oldest lives with me and doesn’t have a mom. I was baptized 3 years ago at her church. I say her church as I was heavily involved and loved it there. As soon as I left no one in the church has had time for me. I am still reaching out yet their only talking to me if something is wrong with a tithe or donation. I have checkered gypsy past prior to oldest son being born. Farm boy with a farm. Traveled for work and made a great living. Choose to move home in the country.
She is also late 30’s, educated, only child, divorced, no kids, recovering alcoholic, and extremely involved in church. City girl. Daddies girl. He still bails her out routinely and never lets her hear the end of it. 10+ years at same job. 10+ years managing depression and weight. Don’t take that wrong I absolutely love how she’s built but she has a skewed self image. Very active and athletic when she’s feeling good. Love her adventurous side. Great with church kids. Makes me laugh. Loves animals even more than me.
We have been dating 3.5 years. I purchased a wedding ring a little over 1.5years into it. I knew she was the one. Her father has not giving me his blessing multiple times. I finally told her about her dad not blessing our marriage and after several weeks of cooling down she said she didn’t care. It took me some time to come on board with that as I have lost my father and hoped to start with my father in laws blessing. I tried to plan the perfect unique way to ask her but she was never available. By that time she had plugged herself so much into the church there was no time for anything that I felt would be special enough for her. I will touch more on that in a bit.
The last 1.5 years We’ve been doing the long distance thing and it has taking its tole. At first being 6.5 hours apart. I worked 80+ hours a week and had to push it to be able to go see her and juggle time between boys. She only came to visit once, working a 40 hour a week job, in that time because of her church obligations. She did meet me a couple of times half way. A lot of the time when I would come see her we would go with the church camping, floating, roller skating, etc. which enjoyed. Speaking of seeing each other if Anything came up to change plans she would throw a fit. A very passive aggressive fit. For example as a surprise I got tickets to her favorite sporting event out of state. The week before more tickets became available and my oldest son could go. She was so butt hurt that our trip together could now involve him, she refused to go. Wanting us to completely cancel it. It hurt me a lot. But I’m glade we went ahead without her.
Rewind to when I first went back on the road away from her she was going to go with me and talked the talk but when it came time she didn’t. Then a couple weeks into it she began to pick fights over and over on the phone. Saying the most horrible things just to hurt me. That caused a huge rift to form but eventually we worked it out. She said it was because she was scared to leave her church and parents. Then saying that we could just get married any day. Any random day at church or court house. That we didn’t need an engagement.
I had been helping her a lot financially through the course of our relationship so she wouldn’t be dependent on her parents. Her father is very controlling and her mother is a functioning alcoholic. Getting her out of debt and making improvements to her home so she would be some what self sufficient.
My father raised me and he died when I was 16. My mother has always been around but is not involved unless she needs something.
We have also done mission work together. Being honest that has been some of my toughest times in our relationship. She wanted me all to her self and by her side. She has more mission experience than me. I am a large, well trained man, and usually only 2 men go on our mission trips. Not planned that way it just happens. These are abroad and in questionable areas. Having to bookend the group, being aware, and carry supplies, limited our time together. Our roles were way different but she didn’t see it that way. We worked on this to but haven’t gone on another since the last blow up.
Up until the ultimatum I was unaware of her having so much guilt over our sexual relationship. At the beginning of our relationship we fell to temptation. Mid way through we decided to stop and try to do it right. We did fail some. She told me how she recently apologized to everyone in the church for our sexual relationship.
She plugged herself into multiple church groups and functions. Being involved with the church at least 4 afternoons a week and all day Sunday. Most Saturdays to. When her church commitments got to the point they obviously came before us and the boys I confronted her. Don’t get me wrong I loved being plugged into the church to! But we always had time for all of us. Then there became no time for us. You can imagine where that conversation went. With our church family not being there for me it has driven me to this forum for help. I must note that at this time she works multiple bible studies. Not that it’s bad it’s 2-3 in different groups at church fallowed by another 2-3 on the Bible app at any given time. She may be able to but I couldn’t process that much. I remember when as an adult I found my thirst for the word! There was no bible app or small groups available . My bible, notebook, and me. I was lucky to find a Wednesday night service and Sunday couldn’t come fast enough no matter what town I was in. Thank goodness for all the good word the Christian radio stations put out. But even latter plugging in to the our church and attending men’s groups and other more specialized ministries it was hard for me to devote enough time to each lesson to fully process it.
Obviously it is a very touchy subject because we all have a different walk with Christ. And our walks are always changing. Hopefully growing us into better stronger Christians. Just like being hit with the ultimatum I initial withdrew because my love and motives where questioned. When ones walk is questioned the same thing usually happens. And in her case the how dare you’s and accusations began. That is another reason I’ve sought out advice on this site. The strong Christians I knew are not there for me. The worldly acquaintances I still have are not the type I want to solicit for advice. On her end she only has 2 friends and they rotate. One is very plugged into the church but lives a questionable lifestyle. The other is very plugged into another church but lives a party lifestyle. Both of which she will get into fights with and they will not be friends. When that happens she goes to the other. When the fight happens with the other she goes back to the first one in a big cycle.
I also need to note that my grandmother is 91 and goes to a Methodist church when able. One she attended her whole life and even went 10 years without missing a Sunday. She refuses to go to this church. Stating that her beliefs are nondenominational and she will only go to those church’s. Which I’m perfectly ok with as I prefer nondenominational church’s. But when my grandmother feels up to going and I’m able I want to go with her. On those same notes my Immigrant grandfather helped build a Russian Orthodox Church that’s on the historical registry. One that my family and older brother attended until it closed. Very rarely do they hold events there to help maintain it. She went with me to one dinner and refuses to go back. Saying it is against her nondenominational beliefs to be in a church like that.
I can’t help but feel that with my recent job change and having no extra income and having to sell almost all my assets to be with both my boys daily has a lot to do with it to. As I am no longer able to provide the extras for her. She even tried to give back a lot of the gifts I had giving her after the ultimatum. Or maybe she’s still scarred of leaving the church and her folks and saw me moving home as a threat to that?
We have also endured the preteen jerk phase and teen phase together. My youngest adores her. This ultimatum happened right after church camp. My oldest stayed with her several days and then she took him to camp. I picked him up from camp and we went to her house and waited for her to finish work. Planning to stay a long weekend together and after church we would go home. She was in a funk and I asked her what was wrong. So we talked.
This talk was more about her telling me again how bad her previous marriage was and how much abuse she went through but still stayed through it and how us not being married is terrible and that it is to much for her to bare unless we were at least engaged. On a side note she had told me about how she purposed to a long term boyfriend at one point. Anyways And that she would love for us to stay the weekend but not with her unless we got engaged. That she wants to be married and she’s ok if I’m not ready she just won’t be with me anymore until I am. She also expressed how much she loved my boys and hoped and prayed that she wasn’t doing this to soon before my oldest wanted her to be his mom again. So my oldest before puberty wanted her to be his mom. Then it hit and he became a preteen jerk lol Anyway I tried to express myself and ask questions and she got angry and combative. Every argument we’ve had began that way. She talks then I talk, she then says that there’s no way I should feel that way and demands examples. Putting me on the spot in a loose loose situation. I try to talk it through she yells and has to assign blame. Every little little argument has to have blamed assigned by her. Which leads to the sarcasm and passive aggressiveness. I try to walk off to cool off because Fighting like this never helps. Earlier in our relationship she even said she doesn’t know how to be in a relationship without fighting. So she yells some more then I yell and she flips out telling me not to yell. Typing that sounds so silly but I’m afraid we’ve had it happen many times. And frankly the lack of intimate communication or listening has been a huge hang up in me popping the question. I thrive on openness and acceptance and just plain ol’ love. There’s no need to beat each other up emotionally. She tells everyone how I’m her best friend and how she’s loves having me as her best friend yet she is not accepting of all of me. I listen to her always and sincerely. However she doesn’t listen to me. I’ve lived a pretty colorful life and when I tell a story with relevance she dismisses it. When I talk about how I feel she dismisses my feelings. Almost always leading into a fight like above.
Another thing that bothers her is how I’m always planning for us and the future. Involving her to help make the best decisions for us. She gets upset and says we’re just dating and not married. That she feels the planning is a waste of time with us not being married yet. But all she talks about is being married. Her on the other hand has never once made preparations for marriage that she shared or showed me other than telling me she wants to be. Maybe that’s my fault. Maybe I shouldn't include her in my life like that until we’re at least Engaged.
Anyway back to the ultimatum day I decided my son and I were going home. Our talk was away from him. She cried and cried and didn’t want me to leave. I told my son we had to leave because I wanted to see my youngest sons baseball game. Which he did have one late the coming Sunday. She txt me the entire 4 hour drive. Saying how she was balling on the floor and how not being married made her feel worthless that there’s something wrong with her. I wanted to comfort her but didn’t know how after the bomb she dropped on me.
The very next day while fixing lunch together my oldest wanted to talk. My 13 year old took me to the living room and sat me down to tell me he wanted her to be his mom. I thanked him and went out side and lost it. He has no idea what happened the day before.
Since then her uncle died and I’ve tried to reach out to her and she is not being receptive. She has an extremely hard time with death. Her world shakes when anyone that she might know has a family or friend pass away. It rocks her for weeks. Yet she will not go to a funeral or wake because there that far removed from her. Only going to her coworkers sons funeral and asking me to not go because she wanted to do it with just her coworkers. I obliged but it left a strange taste in my mouth.
I have reached out a little. Over her uncle and praying for her. I’ve also shared about the boys first days back at school and their new sports seasons and she is very cold. I just don’t feel like I should be the one chasing her at this time. Seems like it’s just a combination of all the things.
I have a feeling her depression has kicked in overdrive. After leaving her abusive husband around 8 years ago she got on antidepressants. Since then shes gained a lot of weight and stayed on the same original dose. I have suggested she go back to her doctor and possibly up the dose as her body might’ve built a tolerance and she is considerably bigger than when prescribed the original dose. That was not an easy conversation. A little over a year ago I discovered my thyroid wasn’t working and got on thyroid medication. I suggested she go and have blood work done at a hormone clinic to. She agreed but then would only go to her general practitioner. :/ And has yet to go back to the doc that prescribed antidepressants.
The kicker in all this is I’ve only been home about 3 months. I’ve been at my new job almost a month and a half. And the ultimatum happened 3 weeks ago.
The ultimatum on top of living and lifestyle changes with finances being extremely tight and my church family not having time for me has me at a loss. I can say that these last couple weeks have been some of the worst in my life. If it wasn’t for my relationship with Jesus these would be. Being back home and a family man who doesn’t smoke or drink or go out limits my acquaintances and I’m ok with that. I still help everyone I can thats in need. Being a Christian man limits who’s advice I solicit. The last 1.5 years were riddled with family emergencies that wiped out my savings completely. Even with a good job being home my finances are not just bleeding out but hemorrhaging. I have everything but the house and land for sale. I watched my mother use my father and then leave over similar financial circumstances. This ultimatum coming at such a difficult time for me brings back bitter memories.
I am stressed and at a loss of what to do. Of who to talk to. I’ve been continuing in prayer but it is getting very hard. Maintaining face for the kids. Fighting the good fight. I am trying to stay looking up but am in a tail spin on the inside.
I know I’ve highlighted mostly bad but there is a lot of good. I just can’t help but think you marry the person not the persons potential. There has been enough red flags and chance circumstances for our marriage not to happen yet.
Any advice is greatly appreciated. For those that read the entire post thank you so much for carrying for a stranger.