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Marriage or Elope?

Discussion in 'Courting Couples' started by Akendall, Mar 9, 2012.

  1. Akendall

    Akendall Newbie

    In Relationship
    Currently I have a wonderful Christian boyfriend. We have been in a long-distance relationship for 2 years now, and we have been seeing each other in person every 3 months for at least one week, so it isn't like we never get to see one another -- just not often as we would like.
    We have had troubles and lots of setbacks during the past years, but we are holding on and praying that God works His will into our relationship.
    My boyfriend is the best thing that God has brought into my life, and I have no intention of looking for any other guy, and he is always telling me that he doesn't want any other girl. And so far, he has shown himself to be a wonderful, loyal, respectful, sweet and mature man, someone I can see myself marrying and having kids with and growing old together. Even through hardships, he has proven that he truly cares.

    We both have talked about the topic of marriage, and we both agreed that we are just not quite ready for such commitment yet, even though we have great desire for it.

    I have other concerns that I want to ask you guys about:

    1. My father. My father is an agnostic, and he is NOT that big with marriages. He even said that if I was to get married at one point in my life, he'd rather that I elope (yeah, pretty strange, lol!) I'm not entirely sure how I could even talk to my father about something he finds so "unnecessary". I love my father and respect his opinions, but I don't plan on changing things to fit his way of life, which is quite different from mine. How can I talk to him about the topic of marriage?

    2. Would it be that bad to elope? I have always wanted a wedding ceremony -- I have held it as a sacred event in my opinion. But with the economy and money issues in today's society, I'm beginning to have big concerns with being able to support my own family. And from what I've heard, a wedding cost's ALOT. At the same time, I want a marriage that is holy and blessed in a Godly environment.

    3. Would that holy blessing from God be provoked if we decided to elope? I am not familiar with the concept of eloping, but I am worried that God would not approve of such an act even if we both have a Godly relationship together as a couple, as well as our own personal relationships with God.

    4. Is the only place you can elope around L.A. or Vegas or NY???

    5. Is there any tips on how we can manage to have a wedding without such stressful factors?
  2. mina

    mina Brown Eyed girl

    Weddings don't HAVE to cost a lot. You can have a very simple wedding; the wedding industry will push people into believing that you HAVE to have something at an outrageous price in order to have a wedding. The truth is a wedding can be as simple as you would like it to be. In all honesty the wedding ceremony doesn't cost all that much; usually receptions are where the bulk of the costs come in- but there is no need to over do anything. I got married last year and we made a lot of things for our wedding. I set a budget for my dress, flowers, etc... and came in under budget for a lot of things- I looked for deals, I asked people that I knew who were gifted in areas to help me out. I ended up splurging on some things, but I had the funds to cover it myself. Our wedding was affordable for us and we paid off the majority of it before the wedding day. So the best thing to do is to set a budget that you both agree on and stick to it, look for deals- dresses on sale, craft store sales, does anyone you know have a garden , play music, bake cakes, etc and be willing to work with your budget? Can you do things yourself? print invites, make decorations, centerpieces, etc... Having a nice wedding can be done without spending a lot or going into debt.

    For most of my life I toyed with the idea of elopement , basically you just need a justice of the peace at your county courthouse. It's my personal opinion that God blesses any marriage if both partners are marrying for the right reasons. In the end I'm glad I had a wedding; we both enjoyed working on our wedding together and it was a fun and lovely celebration.
  3. Johnnz

    Johnnz Senior Veteran Supporter

    In Europe you can have a civil ceremony and become married, and also a church ceremony for those who want to make that confession. Luther was responsible for the church 'capturing' the marriage ceremony, but maybe its time to rethink that, with Christians making their own statement when they chose a church wedding.

    It was marriage God instituted, not where it takes place.

  4. K9_Trainer

    K9_Trainer Unusually unusual, absolutely unpredictable

    In Relationship
    1) Well can ya blame him considering the average American wedding costs about $24k and the father of the bride is always expected to pay? :p Weddings are highly, highly commercialized now, it's a product, and a multi-million if not multi-billion dollar industry. It's pretty understanding why your father would rather you elope and isn't a big fan of weddings. I'm not either.

    If cost is the biggest issue, maybe see if your boyfriend's family would be willing to chip in on the price of the wedding. Make a budget and really think about what's important and what's not. Since I'm not a big fan of weddings, and I can easily find other ways to spend that money, I've often contemplated what could be done to really reduce cost should I have a wedding.

    Things that come to my mind: No flowers. Bake my own cake/s. No formal "wedding" dress or dresses for bridesmaids; I'd be willing to spend a hundred on my own dress, but it would be a dress I can wear elsewhere. No tuxedos required. No paid DJ. Have a friend do hair/makeup. Instead of catering, have the reception potluck style and have people sign up to bring a dish. Print own invitations. No wedding favors.

    Obviously those are just some ideas and things that I would do, you can decide for yourself whats important and what's not. I avoid things that commercialize weddings and turn them into a product, like those expensive white dresses, and flowers. I would want my wedding to be about the company, I want it to be a celebration, I don't want it to be about my dress or my flowers or my bridesmaids dresses. I'd also be more conscious of who is at my wedding. Remember that the more people who attend, the more people that you have to feed and provide with cake and alcohol. That'll impact the cost a lot. I don't want to pay for that stuff so people I hardly know or haven't seen in forever can get a free meal.

    For 3-4, I can't really comment since I'm not Christian. But another issue that stands out to me when it comes to elopement is that it tends to upset family/friends. That's something to keep in mind as well. The fact that you are getting married will be important to those who care about you.

    4) No, you can elope anywhere. You just have to check with, I believe your county clerk about what you need to do to obtain a wedding license. Different counties require different things before you can actually get it done. Vegas is a popular elopement place purely because there are practically NO requirements. You can literally walk into the courthouse and have it done and walk out married. Other counties have wait periods, some may require blood tests first or other things. I know you said you were long distance, and I think some require that both parties must have been living in the same state for a short period of time prior. You also usually have to have witnesses. The courthouse can provide witnesses for you, or you can bring your moms or dads or siblings or any other legal adult.

    So just do some research, call up your county clerk, and see what you'd need to do to get married at the courthouse. If you don't like the requirements, check out some neighboring counties. Or plan a vacation to vegas :p

    5) Probably not! Planning things that involve so many people tend to be stressful purely by nature. And it's not really the planning itself, it's family and friends that can make it miserable because they all have their own opinions on what THEY want or how THEY think things should be. If they will be helpful and not pushy, then that really takes down the stress levels a lot.
  5. Luther073082

    Luther073082 κύριε ἐλέησον χριστὲ ἐλέησον

    To keep it short and sweet. . . I wouldn't elope, I would have a small wedding that the two of you can pay for in a church and if your father doesn't like it, he doesn't have to come.

    I think its important to be married by a representative of the church to testify to your faith. Its not because other marriages would be illegitmate or something, you can get married in front of a judge or something and it's a legitimate marriage, in front of God. However a Christian also keeps in mind that he has a faith that he has to testify to. In which case it is important to get married in front of a representative of the church.
  6. Verve

    Verve No grit, no pearl.

    My parents "eloped" with just them, the pastor and their parents.
    They are still happily married 30+ years later!

    I've heard the term elope used to describe really small weddings (under 25 guests)
  7. Luther073082

    Luther073082 κύριε ἐλέησον χριστὲ ἐλέησον

    Thats not what I would consider to be eloping. Eloping for me is taking and often driving to a somewhat distant place, getting married there without informing family or friends, or at the very least setting it up so none or almost none can attend your wedding.

    Eloping and a small wedding are completly different.
  8. Verve

    Verve No grit, no pearl.

    Well, they tried to get the pastor to marry them without their parents and he insisted that they come back with their parents if they wanted to get married. ^_^
  9. Inkachu

    Inkachu Bursting with fruit flavor!

    First of all, I think you may be worrying excessively about something that isn't even an issue yet (you've said you both recognize you aren't ready for marriage). So I'll answer your questions, but I hope you'll relax a bit and not stress over something that isn't even happening at this time :)

    1. You're just going to have to be brave. Sit him down and ask him to let you say everything you need to say without interrupting you. Then tell him exactly how you feel (maybe write it down or practice beforehand if you think you'll be nervous) in a loving and respectful way that acknowledges his viewpoint and makes him feel like his opinion isn't invalid to you. You may nor may not ever sway his thinking, but if you've expressed your heart with love and respect to him as your father, you've done all you can do.

    2. I say go with what your heart desires. A couple (ideally) has ONE wedding day in their entire lives. Now, no wedding is going to go completely perfectly and without kinks and roadbloacks, but you want to try and do what's most important to you and your fiance, if it's at all possible. Eloping may be cheap and quick, but will you look back and regret that you never had a big white gown and lots of hushed, admiring guests, and a big cake, and a first dance, etc etc?? Think about it. Some girls have no desire for a wedding, and some do. Don't do what anyone else tells you to do; go with YOUR heart.

    3. IMHO God doesn't care where or when you get married, as long as it's done in His name. If you swear your vows in His name, and an ordained minister blesses it, that's all you need (again, my opinion). You don't have to be married by a justice of the peace in order to elope; you could meet with a minister at a church, just the two of you, and do it just as quickly and cheaply. I DO think there's a difference between a legal marriage, and a marriage recognized by God. As for the finances, no wedding HAS to be expensive! With some research and creativity, you can create a beautiful wedding almost as cheaply as you want. Look for DIY (do it yourself) wedding tips online. My wedding is coming up, we've got a beautiful venue (a historic mansion), a simple reception (sub platters and cupcakes), I got my dress online for $50, we hired an amateur photographer for almost nothing... so we didn't spend much at all!

    4. Noooo, "eloping" can be done anywhere, lol. Some states have waiting periods (like 24 hours), so bear that in mind and see how your particular state operates.

    5. Sorry, time for church, gotta run lol.