Marriage Issues

[Fere222]

I think marriage is difficult for most couples. Every relationship has high and low points. I love my husband, I believe in God and attend church without him. He isn't really a believer in Christ. When I read the Bible, I have even seen him roll his eyes. Sometimes I have hope that his heart will change. This is a great struggle for me, I pray about it often. We have children together.
Another struggle is intimacy (I will probably wish I didn't even bring this up on here). I think intimacy is a big part of marriage and I feel the need for it on a daily basis. We used to be intimate about 5-6 days a week. Recently it has decreased significantly. When a few days go by without it, I feel rejected or not wanted. I am attractive and in shape for my age and a good wife to him. I don't understand how he can leave me feeling this void. He says nothing is wrong physically with him to not want to be intimate. I don't understand what the problem is. I must admit, it breaks my heart. Women want to feel wanted and desired by their husband. It is a connection. How can I overcome these things?
Any advice?

 

[Jane_Doe]

Faith: I hear you there, I'm in the same boat myself. Do you know what his feelings are in this regard? If he's willing to work to change that, then you guys can work on it together. If not, then you need to wait for his heart to soften and the Spirit to prompt him. It's tough, but not something you can do.

Sex: my first instinct is to suspect that he's diverted energy into inappropriate content. This is wrong and rots away marriages. If that's the issue, I would try talking to him about it. But again, it's got to be his choice.

 

[Fere222]

Faith: I hear you there, I'm in the same boat myself. Do you know what his feelings are in this regard? If he's willing to work to change that, then you guys can work on it together. If not, then you need to wait for his heart to soften and the Spirit to prompt him. It's tough, but not something you can do.

Sex: my first instinct is to suspect that he's diverted energy into inappropriate content. This is wrong and rots away marriages. If that's the issue, I would try talking to him about it. But again, it's got to be his choice.

He tells me he believes in God but he doesn't want to go to church. He never reads the Bible. He questions God almost in the way that an atheist would.

Years ago, he was watching inappropriate content every morning after I left for work. I put a blocker on the computer where he could no longer look at it. So I know that is not the problem now.

 

[Jane_Doe]

He tells me he believes in God but he doesn't want to go to church. He never reads the Bible.

Ok. Have you asked why for these three things? (You don't need to post the answers here if you don't want, I'm more just posing the framework of probing and looking for answers).

He questions God almost in the way that an atheist would.

Questioning isn't bad- questioning is how we learn. Questioning and not willing to listen to the answers is dumb at best, mockery at worst.

Years ago, he was watching inappropriate content every morning after I left for work. I put a blocker on the computer where he could no longer look at it. So I know that is not the problem now.

For every lock there is a key: there are million ways around blockers. He could find away around them.

 

[Fere222]

Ok. Have you asked why for these three things? (You don't need to post the answers here if you don't want, I'm more just posing the framework of probing and looking for answers).


Questioning isn't bad- questioning is how we learn. Questioning and not willing to listen to the answers is dumb at best, mockery at worst.

For every lock there is a key: there are million ways around blockers. He could find away around them.

His words: He does not like going to Church. He does not like to read the Bible. When he does say something about God it is usually negative. Like, why would God do this.....? His questions don't come as him trying to learn but more as mocking me and/or God.

I know there are ways around the Internet. But he is not computer savvy and I can look at his history- he never deletes it.

He tells me that I am beautiful. He tells other guys to stay away from me (which embarrasses me). But if he feels so strongly, why is it lacking? It has crossed my mind maybe he has been unfaithful or too tired to be intimate. I am at a loss.

I have days when I think maybe I should've just married a Christian man. I feel horrible for thinking that.

 

[Jane_Doe]

His words: He does not like going to Church. He does not like to read the Bible. When he does say something about God it is usually negative. Like, why would God do this.....? His questions don't come as him trying to learn but more as mocking me and/or God.

Yuck. Just yuck. I'm sorry, Fere222. That hurts bad.

I know there are ways around the Internet. But he is not computer savvy and I can look at his history- he never deletes it.

And his phone? And TV? And any magazines? And any other computer? There are a million ways. (Again I don't know if this is the cause, I'm just saying there's a chance).

He tells me that I am beautiful. He tells other guys to stay away from me (which embarrasses me). But if he feels so strongly, why is it lacking? It has crossed my mind maybe he has been unfaithful or too tired to be intimate. I am at a loss.

It could very well be too tired, wanting to try something new, distracted, too stressed, low testosterone, or many other things.

 

[Servant68]

Decrease in intimacy could be either physical or emotional. Sometimes both...

Sounds like there is a distinct lack of communication in your marriage but you could at least simply ask him. I know, it's a touchy subject and is likely to start an argument no matter how delicately you ask. But it is something that needs to be addressed.

As to his disbelief; that is truly heartbreaking. I assume you've tried to get him to watch the "God's Not Dead" movies with you, or referred him to any number of excellent books out there that deal with a lack of faith.

I couldn't imagine being married to someone who didn't share my faith. I was married for twenty years to a wonderful Christian woman and we still managed to fall out of love and the marriage failed.

 

[akmom]

Well, you can selectively delete items from a history. All you have to do is select "past day" or "past hour" or whatever, instead of "from the beginning of time." You can delete individual websites too. But I digress.

I'm curious why you put a blocker on his computer. That seems like something you would do for a child. If inappropriate contentography bothers you, why not just tell him? Tell him it bothers you to see it, or it bothers you that he watches it, or whatever it is that bothers you about it. I think I would be annoyed if my spouse restricted my computer content without an explanation. Couples should communicate. Does he know there's a blocker? How does *he* feel about you taking that initiative? It's hard to initiate intimacy if there is no communication, which leads to bonding, which progresses into physical intimacy.

If your train of thought is, "I put a blocker on the inappropriate contentography and he still doesn't want me," then I think you're kind of missing the point.

 

[dysert]

He tells me that I am beautiful. He tells other guys to stay away from me (which embarrasses me). But if he feels so strongly, why is it lacking?

This is the question you should be asking him! As others have said, you need to communicate - even when it's hard. There are probably a hundred reasons that could explain his lack of interest, but until you ask him about it you're only left to guessing. Just flat-out ask him why he's rarely in the mood and see what he says.

 

[Fere222]

Well, you can selectively delete items from a history. All you have to do is select "past day" or "past hour" or whatever, instead of "from the beginning of time." You can delete individual websites too. But I digress.

I'm curious why you put a blocker on his computer. That seems like something you would do for a child. If inappropriate contentography bothers you, why not just tell him? Tell him it bothers you to see it, or it bothers you that he watches it, or whatever it is that bothers you about it. I think I would be annoyed if my spouse restricted my computer content without an explanation. Couples should communicate. Does he know there's a blocker? How does *he* feel about you taking that initiative? It's hard to initiate intimacy if there is no communication, which leads to bonding, which progresses into physical intimacy.

If your train of thought is, "I put a blocker on the inappropriate contentography and he still doesn't want me," then I think you're kind of missing the point.

He knows there is a blocker, I told him. Plus we have two boys I don't want looking at that stuff. That happened years ago. I do take initiative quite often. Thanks for your input.

 

[Fere222]

This is the question you should be asking him! As others have said, you need to communicate - even when it's hard. There are probably a hundred reasons that could explain his lack of interest, but until you ask him about it you're only left to guessing. Just flat-out ask him why he's rarely in the mood and see what he says.

I have talked to him many times about it. He says nothing is wrong and me bringing it up puts pressure on him.

 

[dysert]

I have talked to him many times about it. He says nothing is wrong and me bringing it up puts pressure on him.

Maybe you should suggest he see a doctor. He could have Low-T or a thyroid problem (or something else).

 

[Fere222]

Maybe you should suggest he see a doctor. He could have Low-T or a thyroid problem (or something else).

I tried that, I went to the doctor with him and requested a blood test. The doctor ordered it and he never went to have his blood drawn. I have suspected low testosterone. I know of men who had low testosterone and improve with medication--higher energy and "other" improvements. That has been over a year ago since his test was ordered, maybe I will suggest it again. Thanks.

 

[NothingIsImpossible]

It can be anything. Maybe a inappropriate content issues, you can have blockers set up and what not but when someone REALLY wants to look they will find a way. And the deeper you get into inappropriate content, the better you become at hiding it. Trust me I know because I had a inappropriate content addiction.

Or maybe hes talking to someone else? Or maybe its something he doesn't want to talk about like a problem with his body somewhere. Have you tried spicing things up with him? I know some spouses get bored of the same old routine when it comes to intimacy.

Also 5-6 times a week? I'm my 30s and its more like 4-5 times a month. I'd take 5-6 a week lol. Which, joking aside, for some couples the sex drive goes down after awhile. Especially after the honeymoon phase (which is about a year). I have a higher drive and it does hurt you when you feel like your not getting any attention intimately. But I've sort of gotten used to it and accepted it for now.

 

[LinkH]

Hi,

I'm sorry to hear about these issues. I'll pray for your husband. I Peter 3 has some advice for wives whose husbands do not believe to help win them. I'll pray for your husband.

As far as intimacy goes, I think it's a blessing if a wife wants to be intimate very often like that. But a lot of people, men included, don't really have a desire for it that often. (I'm assuming 'intimate' is a euphemism, not hugging or kissing.) As a matter of good marital ethics, I think a man in that situation should step up and meet his needs to his wife's desire as long as there is no ethical reason not to, time of the month, issues of conscience.

I realize a lot of spouses don't see it that way. If he doesn't want intimacy as much as you do, that doesn't mean he does not find you attractive. He may just have a lower drive.

On the other hand, if he does look at inappropriate content, ironically, that can lead to less intimacy. It's counter-intuitive, since you might think he'd want it more if he did that. But this problem shows up on the forum from time to time. The thing is some men who watch that stuff and 'take care of themselves' while doing it. If he has a smart phone or knows how to get around a blocker, or has access to a gas station depending on the country you live in, that sells print magazines, then putting a blocker on his computer doesn't guarantee he does not have a problem.

I don't know that he is doing that. It could be he wanted more before because it was new, or was just keeping up with you to please you. Or maybe as he ages, his desire is going down.

 

[akmom]

That's odd to not go in for his blood draw. Are you sure he didn't? Maybe he just didn't want you to enquire about the results, so he pretended to never get a blood draw. My dad was strange in that way, when he got older, he was sensitive about anything short of perfect health. He would not have shared lab results with my mother unless they were stellar.

Perhaps you could acquire the blood sample forcibly.






I JEST!

 

[puregrl]

So it seems like you are frustrated with where your husband is spiritually. As a christian, you know that the man is made to be the spiritual leader of the home, yet he is not demonstrating that, which leaves you with this kind of void (why you are wishing you married a christian). The best thing for you to do as his wife is to pray for his heart to be softened and his eyes to be opened. God can do miraculous things. Come to him with love and understanding, demonstrate Christs unconditional love to him and pray that he sees God for who He is.
With regard to intimacy: dont regret bringing it up...intimacy is a very important part of marriage relationships and issues with it should not be avoided. You said that previously you were together 5-6 times a week. I can tell you statistically speaking this is higher than average for people who have been married longer than a year. As time passes in relationships, the frequency of sex decreases. Is this because they dont love each other as much any more? no. Is this because they don't find the other person attractive any more? no. The decrease is because, among many reasons, it stops being new...we find that other methods of intimacy are increasingly satisfying. What worries me with your statement is how quickly this has decreased. Generally this happens slowly, but has not in your case. The reason for this is either physical or psychological/emotional. There could be something physical, mentioned previously, that has decreased his sex drive. If this is not the case, then fixing the problem requires a lot of communication...with the possibility of counseling. I can tell you that before discussing sex issues, counselors like to talk about other issues (money, communication, jobs, kids...) because chances are, there is some big issue that is causing the decrease in the sex drive. It is highly probable that when the underlying issue is fixed, everything else falls into place.
Question- has he showed any symptoms of depression or anxiety? Any changes in his body language or how he talks to you or the rest of the family? Is he working more or less hours?

 

[LinkH]

Fere222,

I Peter 3 has advice for wives about winning their husbands. Keep praying and believing God, and follow what the Bible says. God can do miracles.

About intimacy, how far have your conversations gone about this? You could ask him if he is willing to be intimate more than he would want to have, for himself, if it is to satisfy you. Another thing to keep in mind is that women can be a lot more subtle about initiating than men, when a bit stronger message may be needed to get a man's attention. Maybe you could make a deal with him where if he is not in the mood, he lets you try to get him in the mood.

The down side of this is that if he goes for it, you might not get to experience him initiating much. I suspect women may feel the need of having the man initiate more than vice versa, though the other way is really nice for men from time to time. It's good to feel wanted.

 

[Long Island Pilgrim]

Perhaps this will help?

 

[Avniel]

Why is everyone stereotyping the man? Just because he's a man and doesn't want to have sex it doesn't equate to inappropriate contentography. He mocks her very faith, that sounds like someone that learned about church folk and not followers Christ.

Why does he have such an issue with your faith? What is his past with the church?

Intimacy is more than just sex...it's a mental and spiritual connection. I would say attempt to work on building the friendship.