Marriage Falling Apart

[unfinishedclay]

Tennis, are you and wife waiting until there is tension before you communicate thoroughly about things that matter? Whether that is the case or not, know that every marriage needs constant communication when everything is mellow. Much casual communication with lots of time spent together is needed in order to build a sense of security that every couple needs any way - some more than others. Your problem can be resolved eventually over time.

Playing tennis might be a very important aspect in your life. Spending time with friends might be very important. To ask if your hobbies are more important than your marriage is necessary if you're considering time away from her for issues she just may not know how to deal with in a healthy way without the aide of extra, strategic efforts within the marriage.

She is clearly controlling. That happens to be her human flaw. Why is she controlling? What makes her feel like she has to control? It's easy to not care, let that be her problem, and move on. What if you do? You will be facilitating a flaw of intolerance within yourself that can spill over into other relationships - family, co-workers, neighbors. What is not popular is to learn firsthand how the trying of our faith works within us patience.

Does that mean you let her run your life? No. Ask God for wisdom and when you can firmly determine what needs to be a compromise and what needs to be addressed uncompromisingly. For instance:

The advice LILAC and Endeavoror gave about spending time along with her playing tennis is practical, honorable, and transparent. What would be wrong with including your wife?

In other areas, who are you hanging out with for lunch and social events? If it's adulterous men or party-type men or overly free-spirited women within the group, examine it. Yes, that is an issue for many women.

Before my husband had an affair, I thought it was okay for him to have a social life as long as he would come home before midnight. (He wouldn't even honor that.) I certainly saw many behaviors of women I've known to be quite controlling. Now, I understand even though controlling behavior is out of balance and counter-peaceful.

It's okay to roll up your sleeves and work on fixing this issue. That's marriage. Christian marriage involves a husband helping mold his wife as a person with sharing the gospel with her for her own discipleship. Ephesians 5 calls this washing her with the water of the Word in comparison with how Jesus is with the whole church. Wean your wife out of being a hermit with activities outside the home - together. The way she may make friends is by the two of you making friends with other married couples. Marriage requires couples to do that throughout it anyway. That's why Paul the apostle said in 1 Corinthians 7 that married people would have trouble in the flesh.

 

[RedPonyDriver]

Christian marriage involves a husband helping mold his wife as a person with sharing the gospel with her for her own discipleship.

Say what? Really? A husband helping to "mold" his wife? What is she? Play-doh? Ummm...nope. I am not a lump of play-doh for the man to mold as he pleases, and neither is any woman. That's some controlling baloney right there. Can you give chapter and verse where it says in scripture that a husband is to MOLD his wife? I seem to remember something about LOVING a wife, caring for a wife, washing her in water and the Word, but I don't seem to remember anything about molding. I don't want a "this means..." I want exact chapter and verse, direct quote.

 

[unfinishedclay]

Say what? Really? A husband helping to "mold" his wife? What is she? Play-doh? Ummm...nope. I am not a lump of play-doh for the man to mold as he pleases, and neither is any woman. That's some controlling baloney right there. Can you give chapter and verse where it says in scripture that a husband is to MOLD his wife? I seem to remember something about LOVING a wife, caring for a wife, washing her in water and the Word, but I don't seem to remember anything about molding. I don't want a "this means..." I want exact chapter and verse, direct quote.

In Ephesians 5, when Paul explains that a husband is like Christ (Who btw, does mold us through sanctification), he mentions that our husbands wash us with the water of the Word. Mold is my wording to convey the result of that washing of the Word. And i said "helping to mold her" not doing the molding. Another word would be "influence". From the Bible, a word to use would be help "purge" her according to John 15.

Of course, Jesus' Word does that purging alone. But the truth is He uses people in our lives as members within the Body to build one another up spiritually Romans 12:3-8. Being built up spiritually is a process of being molded to become stronger in Christ. Again "helping mold her" is my wording. And I'd use it in other contexts: in reference to any teacher/preacher/prophet/encourager/helper/spiritual minister being used by God to deliver the Word within the Body. We're building one another up. That's part of the process of being molded more into the image of Christ. Whether we are purged as Jesus explained in John 15, whether we are changed by beholding Jesus from glory to glory as Paul explained in 2nd Corinthians 3, whether we are built up within the Body, we're being molded. And God uses His believers in that process. Does He accomplish our change One on one? Yes. But there are many reasons for fellowshipping with other believers: one of which is to grow spiritually. Because He really is our Potter molding us as His clay, we are all used to help one anothrr grow in various roles that we each uniquely hold.

In the context of marriage, He does use husbands and wives for the spiritual and even character growth of our spouses. We see how He uses us to influence our spouses in Ephesians 5 and 1 Peter 3 by how Paul instructs married people. There is a reason for the instruction. (And for the male op's concerns, i told him that he can help mold his wife based on Eph 5. Had his wife been the op with concern about him, i would have explained how wives can help mold our husbands or influence or in Biblical terms help the purging process or sanctification process or building up).

If you're hung up on wording, what result do you see for a husband washing his wife with the water of the word? A great job resume? A happy day in the sun? Encouragement for a day? Dynamic skills in various hobbies? NO. The result has everything to do spiritually. When someone is "washed" by the water (cleansing) of the Word (God's Word)...think about it. It has to do with that person's walk of faith and yes even character linked to the faith of Jesus Christ.

And in case there's some concern about whether it's a one-sided issue between husbands and wives, yes, I do believe a wife can help mold her husband (influence/be used to purge him) with her example of behavior and prayer.

Paul, Peter, James, and John are all apostles who wrote epistles helping to mold the Body of Christ and taught us believers to use our roles in life (including in marriage) to help mold one another...uh...i mean to convey the definitions of build one another up or to be instrumental in our purging as we abide in the Vine Jesus Christ as mentioned in John 15:1-6.

 

[RedPonyDriver]

Ok...you missed it completely...
Washing a wife in "water and the Word" means to care for her spiritually. To help her stay close to God. The "molding" you are talking about is a different thing completely. i asked you to supply chapter and verse where a husband is to "mold" his wife. You went off on some tangent that is not the same thing. So...you're out to lunch on this.
Take a listen to someone who probably knows a WHOLE lot more about this than you do. He's only been married for 40 years and a pastor for just as long. The Making Of A Real Man

 

[Dave-W]

Christian marriage involves a husband helping mold his wife as a person with sharing the gospel with her for her own discipleship.

"her own discipleship." Does that phrase strike anyone else as inherently wrong?

Apparently baptism is not the only thing from Matt 28.19 that the church has saddled the new believer with.

 

[unfinishedclay]

"her own discipleship." Does that phrase strike anyone else as inherently wrong?

Apparently baptism is not the only thing from Matt 28.19 that the church has saddled the new believer with.

Ephesians 5:25-33

As believing wives are disciples of Jesus Christ, we like the brothers experience sanctification until Jesus returns foe His Church. Paul instructs the husbands to love their wives in the same manner that Jesus loves the Church, His Body. The church, which consists of His disciples, are continually growing in our walks. He disciples us with teaching of His Word. If that doesnt make sense, check those passages that I am referring to. Otherwise, I can refer you to teachings by Paul Washer on marriage and Biblical Manhood as well as Dr. TONY Evans on marriage.

 

[Dave-W]

Paul instructs the husbands to love their wives in the same manner that Jesus loves the Church, His Body. The church, which consists of His disciples, are continually growing in our walks. He disciples us with teaching of His Word.

Does God disciple us, or do we do it ourselves, or are others commanded to do that?

I would submit that it is the latter. Matthew closes his gospel with this:

Matt 28.19 Go therefore and make disciples of all the nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit, 20 teaching them to observe all that I commanded you; and lo, I am with you always, even to the end of the age.​

Are husbands responsible for that? Not according to Paul. Older women and widows are to do that:

Titus 2:3 Older women likewise are to be reverent in their behavior, not malicious gossips nor enslaved to much wine, teaching what is good, 4 so that they may encourage the young women to love their husbands, to love their children, 5 to be sensible, pure, workers at home, kind, being subject to their own husbands, so that the word of God will not be dishonored.
​

The very heart of discipling someone is to teach them to do what you are already doing.

 

[unfinishedclay]

Does God disciple us, or do we do it ourselves, or are others commanded to do that?

I would submit that it is the latter. Matthew closes his gospel with this:

Matt 28.19 Go therefore and make disciples of all the nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit, 20 teaching them to observe all that I commanded you; and lo, I am with you always, even to the end of the age.​

Are husbands responsible for that? Not according to Paul. Older women and widows are to do that:

Titus 2:3 Older women likewise are to be reverent in their behavior, not malicious gossips nor enslaved to much wine, teaching what is good, 4 so that they may encourage the young women to love their husbands, to love their children, 5 to be sensible, pure, workers at home, kind, being subject to their own husbands, so that the word of God will not be dishonored.
​

The very heart of discipling someone is to teach them to do what you are already doing.

I'm not saying at all that God disciples us. He sanctifies us. On an ongoing basis we as believers who abide in Him are purged of whatever we harbor that is not of Him. We are always growing in Him (or regressing but never stagnant).

But how are we sanctified? How do we continually learn His Word and commune with Him? In private devotion with Him and also in fellowship / relationship with others (including our spouses who believe) by which we are edified within the body. That edification within the Body is part of our sanctification process and that is the experience of a disciple.

An example of my own marriage would be this:

In my private devotion with the Lord, I receive correction, comfort, guidance, revelation, etc through God's Word and prayer.
In a setting of several believers in a Bible Study (for example), I am taught the Word by the teacher who opens the floor for discussions and questions, from which I also receive correction, comfort, guidance, revelation, etc.
In devotion and much of my time spent with my husband, I am in discussion about the Word with him and praying with him as well. Through those times we discuss the Word, he and I both receive (in various times over 22 years married, except during his backsliding/abandonment) correction, comfort, guidance, revelation, etc.
That is the experience of a disciple. The example is in the 4 gospels and Acts. Look at their interactions with Jesus, Who discipled them (teaching them His Word) while He walked on earth. And look at their interactions with one another. That is our experience, too - in marriage just as in the church setting. I'm not saying marriage is structured and formal like that. But it is the will of God that our interaction within marriage build us up as disciples of Christ.

I agree that the older women are to encourage the younger women. Does that exempt or disqualify a spouse from doing that or even more? I don't think so.

 

[unfinishedclay]

Does God disciple us, or do we do it ourselves, or are others commanded to do that?

I would submit that it is the latter. Matthew closes his gospel with this:

Matt 28.19 Go therefore and make disciples of all the nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit, 20 teaching them to observe all that I commanded you; and lo, I am with you always, even to the end of the age.​

Are husbands responsible for that? Not according to Paul. Older women and widows are to do that:

Titus 2:3 Older women likewise are to be reverent in their behavior, not malicious gossips nor enslaved to much wine, teaching what is good, 4 so that they may encourage the young women to love their husbands, to love their children, 5 to be sensible, pure, workers at home, kind, being subject to their own husbands, so that the word of God will not be dishonored.
​

The very heart of discipling someone is to teach them to do what you are already doing.

The experience of a disciple of Jesus Christ is given as examples throughout the New Testament. And even now, God continually reveals to us how to disciple. We are to make disciples of others. Is that a one time occurrence? In a way, I believe yes. But after a person becomes a disciple through us spreading the gospel, there is still the functions and experiences of a disciple. And for a Christian married couple, that is what I'm referring to. The experience that wife has as a disciple.

In the same way, a college may accept a person into their program and make that person a student. Does the experience stop there? Does their acceptance into the college fulfill their role as a student? No. The functions of the students define them as students.

I hope that makes sense. I know I'm wordy and come across as going off on a "tangent". But oh well...

 

[Dave-W]

I know I'm wordy and come across as going off on a "tangent". But oh well...

I have been accused of that myself on occasion ...