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[ThisIsMe123]

Utilitarian work used to be a man's domain. He'd do the heavy lifting and she did the easy stuff. My grandmother had a lovely garden with flowers, fruit, and vegetables. But he took care of it. I remember her pruning and planting them. But he did the rest.

However, she handled the housekeeping, meals, and children. They had four. She did everything. We spent summers with them. I never saw him cook, clean, do laundry, wash dishes, get us dressed, etc. That was her domain. And she worked!

All I do is just mow and weed wack, trim the hedges, but that's it. I don't have a manicured lawn of my own. I just mow it when it gets long. Why complicate my life?lol

There are people I click with but I don't want to date them or become their wife. I see them as pals. I like a different energy in my companion.

This is where you and I differ, I don't think I'd ever have happiness in a spouse, until I can say, (like quite a few of my own friends that are married couples"

Say.."I married my best friend!" Of course, I would think this would be akin to a successful marriage, as not being friends first tends to lead to splitsville usually.

With what you said, bella, if most women think the way you do...this may be the reason I've been single for so long. Seen as "the friend", but never thought of in "that way". Which is kind of sad, and I honestly think that is kind of wrong.

I'm old school. I like a man with mettle who's visibly masculine and secure in his manhood. I want grit and leadership.

*shrug* different strokes, for different folks*

Call me the "sensitive man" lol Does it make me less masculine? Well, that's subjective.

 

[ThisIsMe123]

Saw a dialogue by a woman:

My favorite thing about my boyfriend is how gentle and sensitive he is. i grew up surrounded by hyper masculine men who got angry, yelled, fought at the drop of a hat and craved something different.

There’s someone out there who will love you just as you are. don’t get discouraged.

So...there are pluses and minuses to everything.

 

[bèlla]

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[DragonFox91]

Saw a dialogue by a woman:

My favorite thing about my boyfriend is how gentle and sensitive he is. i grew up surrounded by hyper masculine men who got angry, yelled, fought at the drop of a hat and craved something different.

There’s someone out there who will love you just as you are. don’t get discouraged.

So...there are pluses and minuses to everything.

They like hypermasculine men, as long as he has a heart. But being angry, yelling, fighting aren't traits of hyper-masculine.

 

[bèlla]

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[bèlla]

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[ThisIsMe123]

Exactly. We got hugs and kisses and heard I love you frequently. They were very expressive.

There's this woman at work, apparently, she said her boyfriend is going to school for nursing and said she can't picture him in the healthcare field as he lacks empathy.

I was thinking, "So you're dating a guy that lacks empathy?" Like, fails to express his emotions, etc etc. I know another woman like this...and I figured "Yeah, she knows how to pick him, I don't this lasting". And I was surprised it lasted as long as it did.

Never saw the attraction to men who are afraid to show their emotions.

 

[ThisIsMe123]

I have a female friend that isn't that feminine. In fact, she could be like "one of the guys' at times. I know her from an outdoors Meetup. We did a lot of hiking, but at the time, she had a long term boyfriend. So she was unavailable.

Then when they broke up, the male "friends" in the group started reaching out to her and such. Must've been like 3 guys trying to get with her.

Her response would be like "we could get together...as friends" and the guys would be like "Oh sure, wink wink"

So they'd use the so-called friendship as an angle, just to spend time with her. Butt hen they'd start crossing boundaries when they would call her "honey" in a group setting and getting touchy feely with her (IE hand on the small of her back) while around other people.

She had to put an end to all these guy "friends" trying to do this with her. lol

Even I had a serious crush on her, as you could kind of use dark humor around her, and other things that didn't make her too femineine.

I think the attraction from the men was the fact that she wasn't overly feminine.

 

[bèlla]

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[bèlla]

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[EpicScore]

The school/church I work at recently did a talk about this, actually.

They did some survey on the staff and students on marital status, their views on dating/marriage, etc., and the result shows that a significant portion of the younger demographics (18-35 years old) are single and have no intention to marry in the future.

When asked the reason why they want to remain single, the top 2 answers are: bad family experience (e.g. poor parental relationships, family dysfunction) and self-sufficiency (i.e. feeling satisfied/fulfilled without a partner), with the latter being slightly higher than the former.

We also have some discussion about how a lot of human relationship are based on pragmatism/transaction rather than genuine love and affection for one another; and with the rise of technology, it's getting increasingly easier for people today to not have to directly rely on others in order to accomplish their goals, thus the decline of marriage.

I mean, whenever I tell my family about my own desire not to marry, the response is always either 1) "God wants everyone to get married, and if you don't want to marry, you're going against His will," and 2) "Then how will you manage X/Y/Z on your own? You'll need a spouse."

 

[DragonFox91]

I definitely think bad family experience plays a huge role, but that's just for those who want to remain single by choice.

 

[bèlla]

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[EpicScore]

Thanks for chiming in.

Were you surprised by the results or did you expect it?

Quite surprised to be honest. A lot of the friends I know from school are either already married or are in a serious relationship with someone. Those who are not are, as far as I know, seeking.

Finding that there's a lot of similar aged people who are single and is content with remaining so is rather surprising.

True. Or they're building tribes and their needs are met through them. You get service and support without the demands and sacrifice marriage requires.

I joined a paid Christian community a few days ago. We had our first meeting today. It's a group of like-minded people who've gathered to pursue their purpose and connect with others doing the same. It's like a small group on steroids.

You get instruction, accountability, prayer, and mutual investment with a defined focus. The primary reason for engagement is front and center. The fee attracts participants willing to commit to the process. You'll have less slackers and dropouts.

The Pastor also infer that this is the reason why Social Media is so popular, and why many youngsters can spend more time in their Twitter/Instagram/whatever than actual face-to-face interaction because they offer most of the social benefits without the social responsibility.

And "commitment" is becoming of a scarcity in a culture that elevates feelings and personal freedom. In the workplace, the job you have right now is not an avenue to exercise your gifts and serve others, but a stepping stone for the next, better opportunity. I'm not surprised if many people bring the same mindset towards their partners.

I know I personally have some issues with commitment myself. Due to my studies and work, I've moved places like 7 times in the past 10 years, so the idea of settling down in one job / one place / with one person for a much longer term is rather unpleasant.

Do you agree?

Well, I can probably argue against (1) with the Scripture. (2) is a lot harder to refute because it relies on hypotheticals, and you can probably come up with an infinite number of possible scenarios that proves the pros and cons of having a spouse. My thoughts on that is that if I marry a person just to get something out of the relationship, with the sexual aspect (one of the reasons why I don't want to get involved in any romantic relationships) being something I have to "put up with" for the sake of the continuing relationship, then I'd be engaged in prostitution, not marriage.

 

[ThisIsMe123]

I used to have a lot of male friends and got rid of them for the same reasons. They acted like pals until I met someone I really liked. Then the confessions came. When I returned to faith I was open to friendships. But I saw similar behaviors and shut it down.

Yeah, I have an older male friend that says in a way, it's a form of deceit when go about this route in order to gain confidence in a prospective suitor.

Younger men are typically guilty of this.

Heck, I was most guilty of it in my college years. In fact, it's most common that men did this in the college years because the "D" word (asking a woman out on a date, scared them off). Well, THEY thought asking a woman out, outright, was TOO forward...and that going the route (the unfavorable route to you, Bella), was the way to go. To cement a friendship first then, get flirty later on.

In college, I would start a "study buddy" relationship, lol. Then ask them out towards the end of the semester. lol

Bella, wouldn't you just rather have a man outright tell you his romantic interest in you immediately instead of the latter?

I remember I had some woman friends that would actually get upset with me that I didn't want to be their female friend. I think that didn't help matters either, and actually enable me to continue the friends facade.\

Some said "Just be her friend, you never know where it may go!" from other male buds.

 

[bèlla]

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[bèlla]

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[EpicScore]

Yeah, I have an older male friend that says in a way, it's a form of deceit when go about this route in order to gain confidence in a prospective suitor.

Younger men are typically guilty of this.

Heck, I was most guilty of it in my college years. In fact, it's most common that men did this in the college years because the "D" word (asking a woman out on a date, scared them off). Well, THEY thought asking a woman out, outright, was TOO forward...and that going the route (the unfavorable route to you, Bella), was the way to go. To cement a friendship first then, get flirty later on.

In college, I would start a "study buddy" relationship, lol. Then ask them out towards the end of the semester. lol

Bella, wouldn't you just rather have a man outright tell you his romantic interest in you immediately instead of the latter?

I remember I had some woman friends that would actually get upset with me that I didn't want to be their female friend. I think that didn't help matters either, and actually enable me to continue the friends facade.

Some said "Just be her friend, you never know where it may go!" from other male buds.

Speaking of "questionable" courtship tactics, I wonder if you (or the guys employing similar strategy) ever have second thoughts about wanting to date her after being her friend and getting to know her, her personality, interests, etc.?

I am usually of the opinion that people who shows interest in others and ask them out before knowing anything about them are incredibly superficial, and relationships based on that shallow attraction are probably not going to last once the glamour fades. But then again, I don't date so what do I know?

 

[EpicScore]

He's missing a key component. You're limited to the people in your environment. Be it church, school, neighborhood, etc. You're developing connections with others you may have little in common with. Because that's all you've got.

But that isn't the case online. Self-selection is the norm. Randomness is out. You're befriending people who share your interests. The why is solidified. It isn't due to proximity. You're spending time with people you want to be around.

If you're intentional like me you have a lot of buckets. When I want to talk about homemaking I have a source. And entrepreneurship, nutrition, and so on. The collective is well-defined.

Yes, it's a lot easier online to shut down opposing opinions and censor things we don't want to hear, but randomness is still possible, I think. For example, my workplace is a Christian community, and most of the members are from the same denomination, so despite the different interests, educational backgrounds, and age group, most people have generally the same thought processes.

On the other hand, I have a lot of online "friends" who are unbeliever and frequently vocalise their un-Biblical values, directly or otherwise. I don't block or unfriend them, but I do have the choice to ignore them if I don't want to engage in a debate.

However, IRL, if a person directly comes up to you and talks about things that you are not interested in or disagree with, you can't just ignore them and leave.

 

[bèlla]

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