Marriage/Divorce/Lost/Confused

[Lostsoul40]

So hello internet. I'm lost. How to begin:

Married 15 years and have 4 wonderful children. My wife is borderline personality disorder. She rejects that diagnosis, but its what every one of our counselors and her psychiatrist has diagnosed. I could go through a litany of stories, but that helps no one. Suffice it to say that if you've read anything about BPD, that's the situation - lies, anger management issues, spending sprees, suicidal threats, regularly spreading lies about me to family, friends, and church members, etc. I am the one that requested we go to counseling, and we've been at it for 18 months with almost no improvement.

I know that being borderline is not a biblical reason for divorce, regardless of whether a spouse rejects their diagnosis (and if they can't accept it, they won't start the process of getting better).

Now here's the real issue - I cheated recently. Not an affair, but it did happen a few times. There's no excuse. Its sin, plain and simple. I think deep down it was retaliation in my mind. I think I've been pushing down my anger at her for her behavior for so long, and playing the good Christian spouse, that I just wanted to get back at her. But it doesn't really matter. Its sin. Its adultery.

So here's the question: Do I confess to her? No, she won't find out otherwise. Believe me, as with most BPD people, she's too self-absorbed. It's not a dig, its just the truth and it has to be taken into account.

But here's the thing - if I tell her, she will divorce me, freeing me from being with someone with BPD. Part of me wonders if subconsciously that's why I did it. Yes, she will probably tell everyone I know, I'll lose some friends, she'll do her best to destroy my relationship with my kids, and court will be rough. But in 3 - 6 months, I'll be free.

Door number #2 - I continue to pray for strength to stay in our marriage, thanking God for the forgiveness He gives through the blood of Jesus, and just continue to focus on being the rock in the family that supports my wife. But I'll be honest, the idea of another 30-40 years of our marriage is enough to make me want to get on medication to just be numb to it all.

I suppose there's the theoretical possibility that my wife chooses to stay with with me after I confess but, knowing my wife as I do, I put that at a 1% to 2% chance at max.

So do I confess my sin, and (other than the injury to my pride, which is already sin of itself) get rewarded? Or keep it inside and (justly) continue to suffer. Option #1 gives me what I know that my heart wants long term, but the thing that my heart wants right now is a divorce for unbiblical reasons. That's sin and needs to be fought against. Option #2 seems like the right thing to do, but keeping a sin hidden (even if confessed to God) seems too easy on me (except for the staying with someone with BPD for the rest of my life). Neither seems right or just based on the betrayal.

Any advice would be appreciated.

 

[Kris Jordan]

So hello internet. I'm lost. How to begin:

Married 15 years and have 4 wonderful children. My wife is borderline personality disorder. She rejects that diagnosis, but its what every one of our counselors and her psychiatrist has diagnosed. I could go through a litany of stories, but that helps no one. Suffice it to say that if you've read anything about BPD, that's the situation - lies, anger management issues, spending sprees, suicidal threats, regularly spreading lies about me to family, friends, and church members, etc. I am the one that requested we go to counseling, and we've been at it for 18 months with almost no improvement.

I know that being borderline is not a biblical reason for divorce, regardless of whether a spouse rejects their diagnosis (and if they can't accept it, they won't start the process of getting better).

Now here's the real issue - I cheated recently. Not an affair, but it did happen a few times. There's no excuse. Its sin, plain and simple. I think deep down it was retaliation in my mind. I think I've been pushing down my anger at her for her behavior for so long, and playing the good Christian spouse, that I just wanted to get back at her. But it doesn't really matter. Its sin. Its adultery.

So here's the question: Do I confess to her? No, she won't find out otherwise. Believe me, as with most BPD people, she's too self-absorbed. It's not a dig, its just the truth and it has to be taken into account.

But here's the thing - if I tell her, she will divorce me, freeing me from being with someone with BPD. Part of me wonders if subconsciously that's why I did it. Yes, she will probably tell everyone I know, I'll lose some friends, she'll do her best to destroy my relationship with my kids, and court will be rough. But in 3 - 6 months, I'll be free.

Door number #2 - I continue to pray for strength to stay in our marriage, thanking God for the forgiveness He gives through the blood of Jesus, and just continue to focus on being the rock in the family that supports my wife. But I'll be honest, the idea of another 30-40 years of our marriage is enough to make me want to get on medication to just be numb to it all.

I suppose there's the theoretical possibility that my wife chooses to stay with with me after I confess but, knowing my wife as I do, I put that at a 1% to 2% chance at max.

So do I confess my sin, and (other than the injury to my pride, which is already sin of itself) get rewarded? Or keep it inside and (justly) continue to suffer. Option #1 gives me what I know that my heart wants long term, but the thing that my heart wants right now is a divorce for unbiblical reasons. That's sin and needs to be fought against. Option #2 seems like the right thing to do, but keeping a sin hidden (even if confessed to God) seems too easy on me (except for the staying with someone with BPD for the rest of my life). Neither seems right or just based on the betrayal.

Any advice would be appreciated.

Hi Lostsoul40,

You are in a very difficult situation all the way around but the bottom line is this: There's no "right way" to do the "wrong thing." You have to come clean with your wife. Full disclosure. What she does with the news is up to her. It is out of your control. But you have to confess it and get right with Jesus and her, in your heart.

What you also need to do is take full responsibility. There is never an excuse for a spouse to go outside of their marriage no matter how bad things are on the inside. Don't blame. Don't accuse. Take it like a man and own it all, 100%. Your infidelity is a completely separate issue from everything else going on. So try to keep it that way and resist the impulse to point fingers at her.

 

[mama2one]

.

 

[thecolorsblend]

So hello internet. I'm lost. How to begin:

Married 15 years and have 4 wonderful children. My wife is borderline personality disorder. She rejects that diagnosis, but its what every one of our counselors and her psychiatrist has diagnosed. I could go through a litany of stories, but that helps no one. Suffice it to say that if you've read anything about BPD, that's the situation - lies, anger management issues, spending sprees, suicidal threats, regularly spreading lies about me to family, friends, and church members, etc. I am the one that requested we go to counseling, and we've been at it for 18 months with almost no improvement.

I know that being borderline is not a biblical reason for divorce, regardless of whether a spouse rejects their diagnosis (and if they can't accept it, they won't start the process of getting better).

Now here's the real issue - I cheated recently. Not an affair, but it did happen a few times. There's no excuse. Its sin, plain and simple. I think deep down it was retaliation in my mind. I think I've been pushing down my anger at her for her behavior for so long, and playing the good Christian spouse, that I just wanted to get back at her. But it doesn't really matter. Its sin. Its adultery.

So here's the question: Do I confess to her? No, she won't find out otherwise. Believe me, as with most BPD people, she's too self-absorbed. It's not a dig, its just the truth and it has to be taken into account.

But here's the thing - if I tell her, she will divorce me, freeing me from being with someone with BPD. Part of me wonders if subconsciously that's why I did it. Yes, she will probably tell everyone I know, I'll lose some friends, she'll do her best to destroy my relationship with my kids, and court will be rough. But in 3 - 6 months, I'll be free.

Door number #2 - I continue to pray for strength to stay in our marriage, thanking God for the forgiveness He gives through the blood of Jesus, and just continue to focus on being the rock in the family that supports my wife. But I'll be honest, the idea of another 30-40 years of our marriage is enough to make me want to get on medication to just be numb to it all.

I suppose there's the theoretical possibility that my wife chooses to stay with with me after I confess but, knowing my wife as I do, I put that at a 1% to 2% chance at max.

So do I confess my sin, and (other than the injury to my pride, which is already sin of itself) get rewarded? Or keep it inside and (justly) continue to suffer. Option #1 gives me what I know that my heart wants long term, but the thing that my heart wants right now is a divorce for unbiblical reasons. That's sin and needs to be fought against. Option #2 seems like the right thing to do, but keeping a sin hidden (even if confessed to God) seems too easy on me (except for the staying with someone with BPD for the rest of my life). Neither seems right or just based on the betrayal.

Any advice would be appreciated.

Keeping this a secret is effectively the same as lying to her. How is lying ever the right thing to do?

It might be that your wife leaves you because of this. And that's unfortunate. But that's the way it is.

Having said all of that, her BPD could be a mitigating factor in this. Lying (even by omission) is always wrong, period. But her BPD is not an irrelevant part of this discussion. I would recommend talking this over (privately) with a therapist who is familiar with your wife and her specific condition to figure out what you might be facing by telling her the truth.

Don't mistake me for any kind of expert but a lot of therapists tend to have a lot of experience in dealing with BPD patients. Odds are, your story won't be the first time the therapist has heard something like this. I'd be willing to bet money that the therapist will have some ideas.

Good luck!

 

[tturt]

Usually I recommend telling the spouse, etc but not in this case. UI would definitely confess to a pastor - wouldnt go to your church's pastor.

Know it's got to be so difficult. I just wouldnt run the risk of losing the children or even part-time parenting.

 

[com7fy8]

As you can see, people claiming to be Christians can give you exact opposite advice about if you should tell your wife.

My opinion is we can not make general statements about what will happen if you do a certain thing. Each person is different; so each one can react a different way.

In any case, if what you have said about your wife is true, she is not functioning as a Christian person, according to how God's word says to relate >

"submitting to one another in the fear of God." (Ephesians 5:21)

"nor as being lords over those entrusted to you, but being examples to the flock." (1 Peter 5:3)

"Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, and evil speaking be put away from you, with all malice. And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you." (Ephesians 4:31-32)

"swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath; for the wrath of man does not produce the righteousness of God." (in James 1:19-20)

So, unless God blesses her to do what is good > right now, if she continues to behave and relate in what I would call an anti-love way, she is not going to be able to do the right thing, whether you tell her about the cheating or not. Staying or splitting up is not going to be good, unless you two get right with God and how to relate in His love, so your children have you two as their example of how to love and relate in marriage.

So . . . you have been wrong. I would say we need to stop, right now, and be quiet in prayer, and offer ourselves to God, for however He will change us so we are with Him in His love and joy and peace, then see how He has us understanding things and doing things . . . how He has us loving and living in His peace >

"And let the peace of God rule in your hearts, to which also you were called in one body; and be thankful." (Colossians 3:15)

You can take action based on what you suppose you know about your wife's wrong personality, in order to somehow control her. But if God changes her heart, God also will bring about what He wants; and this will be better than humans can figure out and control so they can predict.

God is creative, in how He does things

 

[Sketcher]

You're going to lose custody of your kids if you go through with this. She's rejecting the diagnosis, but she's going to be hiring her own lawyer who is going to go with that, and the law is stacked against men in divorce cases.

What's more, you won't really be free of her if you fear God. Since you're the cheater, you are not free to remarry after a divorce (Matthew 5:31-32). You can be forgiven, but that won't change the marriage state between the two of you before God. Hence you can be forgiven, but still not free to pursue another - even if she does.

Think really hard about that before you treat a divorce as an escape hatch.

 

[Acts2:38]

So hello internet. I'm lost. How to begin:

Married 15 years and have 4 wonderful children. My wife is borderline personality disorder. She rejects that diagnosis, but its what every one of our counselors and her psychiatrist has diagnosed. I could go through a litany of stories, but that helps no one. Suffice it to say that if you've read anything about BPD, that's the situation - lies, anger management issues, spending sprees, suicidal threats, regularly spreading lies about me to family, friends, and church members, etc. I am the one that requested we go to counseling, and we've been at it for 18 months with almost no improvement.

I know that being borderline is not a biblical reason for divorce, regardless of whether a spouse rejects their diagnosis (and if they can't accept it, they won't start the process of getting better).

Now here's the real issue - I cheated recently. Not an affair, but it did happen a few times. There's no excuse. Its sin, plain and simple. I think deep down it was retaliation in my mind. I think I've been pushing down my anger at her for her behavior for so long, and playing the good Christian spouse, that I just wanted to get back at her. But it doesn't really matter. Its sin. Its adultery.

So here's the question: Do I confess to her? No, she won't find out otherwise. Believe me, as with most BPD people, she's too self-absorbed. It's not a dig, its just the truth and it has to be taken into account.

But here's the thing - if I tell her, she will divorce me, freeing me from being with someone with BPD. Part of me wonders if subconsciously that's why I did it. Yes, she will probably tell everyone I know, I'll lose some friends, she'll do her best to destroy my relationship with my kids, and court will be rough. But in 3 - 6 months, I'll be free.

Door number #2 - I continue to pray for strength to stay in our marriage, thanking God for the forgiveness He gives through the blood of Jesus, and just continue to focus on being the rock in the family that supports my wife. But I'll be honest, the idea of another 30-40 years of our marriage is enough to make me want to get on medication to just be numb to it all.

I suppose there's the theoretical possibility that my wife chooses to stay with with me after I confess but, knowing my wife as I do, I put that at a 1% to 2% chance at max.

So do I confess my sin, and (other than the injury to my pride, which is already sin of itself) get rewarded? Or keep it inside and (justly) continue to suffer. Option #1 gives me what I know that my heart wants long term, but the thing that my heart wants right now is a divorce for unbiblical reasons. That's sin and needs to be fought against. Option #2 seems like the right thing to do, but keeping a sin hidden (even if confessed to God) seems too easy on me (except for the staying with someone with BPD for the rest of my life). Neither seems right or just based on the betrayal.

Any advice would be appreciated.

I agree with another poster especially in light of scriptures.

Effectively keeping this a secret is still lying. Either way you cut it, your hiding one sin to create another sin. And thus you will get ensnared in a whole web of sins.

How is that christianlike behavior?

I personally know a guy who was in his second marriage but he was the offender. He came to find out through scripture that he could not be in that marriage. He spoke with the spouse and they came to an understanding and he filled for divorce even though he didnt want to. He was happy with his second and vise versa. However scripture dictated that he was in error, he had to inform her, and the situation had to be resolved.

You know what you got to do. I am sure of it. Choose the right path, repent, let her know, let the kids know, go from there regardless what happens.

As far as custody, my cousin has Bipolar disorder in full. She lost custody of her children but she still gets to meet with them and take them on weekends. I agree with that judges choice too. She can become quite a handful. The judge may just rule in favor of you as well seeing that your wife has an issue like that. I would collect all the therapists and psychologists notes and bring their opinions to trial.

 

[mama2one]

.

 

[Josheb]

I know that being borderline is not a biblical reason for divorce...

Actually it is grounds for divorce if your wife has broken the marital covenant established the day you stated your covenant vows of marriage.

I'll keep this point brief: the lists in the Bible are not exhaustive. The Bible lists the offices of the church leadership (Eph. 4) but that list is not exhaustive. The Bible lists the fruit of the Spirit but those nine items are not the only fruit the Spirit bears and neither ar the works of flesh listed the only works the flesh begets. The Bible lists a few specific examples of marital covenant-breaking but they are not exhaustive. God divorced Israel..... for breaking its covenant with Him!

However, while it is true the Bible does provide a few grounds for divorce nowhere does it direct anyone to divorce.

I'm going to ask you a question that 1) I know you don't want to answer and 2) I don't expect you to answer online.

What effect is being raised by a mother with a borderline personality having on your children?

Now here's the real issue - I cheated recently. Not an affair, but it did happen a few times. There's no excuse.... It's sin. It's adultery.

Stop it! Call it what it is. It's not "cheating" and it's not an "affair." That is the language the world uses, not God. If you had sex with someone other than your wife then it is adultery; all other manifestations are infidelities. You were unfaithful, and if you want to heal from that sin and square things away in your sole and possibly in your marriage then you won't hide behind worldly language.

So here's the question: Do I confess to her? No, she won't find out otherwise. Believe me, as with most BPD people, she's too self-absorbed....

So you've visited the core feature of BPD upon yourself and your wife: the fear of rejection, real or perceived.

And you've created a room in your marital house in which your wife is not permitted: the secret you dare not share for fear it will cause her pain and you shame and the two of you the loss of your marriage.

But here's the thing - if I tell her, she will divorce me, freeing me from being with someone with BPD. Part of me wonders if subconsciously that's why I did it. Yes, she will probably tell everyone I know, I'll lose some friends, she'll do her best to destroy my relationship with my kids, and court will be rough. But in 3 - 6 months, I'll be free.

Yep. Or you could get your life squared away and learn to love someone with BPD or initiate divorce because she's a covenant-breaker before she learns of the secret and save yourself the gossip-induced shame.

Hmmmm.... now which shame do I choose?

Door number #2 - I continue to pray for strength to stay in our marriage, thanking God for the forgiveness He gives through the blood of Jesus, and just continue to focus on being the rock in the family that supports my wife. But I'll be honest, the idea of another 30-40 years of our marriage is enough to make me want to get on medication to just be numb to it all.

Yep.

I suppose there's the theoretical possibility that my wife chooses to stay with with me after I confess but, knowing my wife as I do, I put that at a 1% to 2% chance at max.

That's not likely if she has BPD. Possible; not likely.

So do I confess my sin, and (other than the injury to my pride, which is already sin of itself) get rewarded?

What makes you think you will be rewarded for telling her of the sin you've committed against her thereby causing her more pain?

Or keep it inside and (justly) continue to suffer. Option #1 gives me what I know that my heart wants long term, but the thing that my heart wants right now is a divorce for unbiblical reasons. That's sin and needs to be fought against. Option #2 seems like the right thing to do, but keeping a sin hidden (even if confessed to God) seems too easy on me (except for the staying with someone with BPD for the rest of my life). Neither seems right or just based on the betrayal.

Any advice would be appreciated.

I'm going to give you some advice and direction in another post but this is not the place to address this problem, Lostsoul40.

I've been blunt here because I understand your report through the lens of a marriage counselor who has experience working with individuals with BPD and, sadly, lot's of experience helping people recover from adultery and other forms of infidelity. Adultery is the second hardest thing from which to heal a marriage (battery ranks #1).

 

[Josheb]

Any advice would be appreciated.

You're in a tough position, brother.

Being married is hard work and often exhausting but being married to someone with BPD is geometrically more so. You need to start by getting yourself into counseling to learn about living with someone with BPD. You also need to develop a same-sex confidante relationship with a peer; someone with whom you can share your experience without his spreading that content to others (gossip).

As far as the disclosure goes, you do need to confess the sin, but perhaps not to the one you have wronged because to do so would cause greater harm. Your priest/minister/pastor are the place to begin. If you intend to work on the marriage then you'll need at some point to disclose the adultery but it might best happen after the marriage is strengthened (yes, I can hear your eyes rolling across the internet all the way to my home). A therapist will help. If you and your wife were seeing me I would expect disclosure or I would not do the counseling. Marriage counseling won't work with that kind of obstacle. The word "marriage" means "to join," and the two of you cannot join if you're keeping her away from what has now become something that keeps you estranged from you.

If your wife has BPD then it's likely she has a history of abuse and/or trauma, probably complex and perhaps chronic. You should do some research and become familiar with the effects of abuse and trauma. If you haven't already you should also become familiar with the symptoms of BPD in relationships from some source other than your own experience. It's hard to see the picture when you're inside the frame. I'll provide some recommended reading below.

There are a pair of simple techniques that can be used to lessen the perception of abandonment and increase communication but you must remember everything is scary to your wife.

The first is S-E-T

Sympathize (Man, that sound like it sucks...)
Empathize (That must have felt horrible...)
Truth (suggest a reasonable alternative; "Have you considered....")


Another basic technique is O-A-R-S

Open questions (questions that cannot be answered "yes" or "no")
Affirmation (statements that affirm her strengths and resolve and safety)
Reflection (paraphrase, such as "You're not happy with that, are you?)
Summary (summarize her plan and what she's going to do to address the problem as she sees it)


Still another is...
Ask her what she things should be done.
Ask her why, what are the reasons she thinks that is the thing that needs doing.
Ask her how she thinks that change can best be effected.
Ask if you can work together on effecting that change.

You're going to trigger her any way. You're not going to be perfect at this and it is going to trigger her. Practice makes for excellence (perfection is an illusion).

Here's the reading:

"Divorce and Remarriage: Four Christian Views" by H.. Wayne House
"Trauma and Recovery" by Judith Herrman
"Stop Walking on Eggshells" by Paul Mason and Randi Kreger (examine yourself!)
"Borderline Personality Disorder: An Integrative Program..." by Stephanie Griffin
"Not 'Just Friends'" by Shirley Glass
"Too Good to Leave, To Bad to Stay" by Mona Kirshenbaum
"Boundaries" and "Boundaries in Marriage" by Henry Cloud and John Townsend
"Created for Connection" by Sue Johnson and Kenneth Sanderfer
"Hold Me Tight" by Sue Johnson
"The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work" by John Gottman
"Speaking the Truth in Love" by David Powlison
"The Meaning of Marriage" by Timothy Keller​

The first half of that list will get you out of your marriage, the last half may well keep you in it, especially if you go through those books with your wife. Unblessedly, there aren't many books written by Christians on the subject worth their cost and read. Cathy Wiseman's "Borderline Personality: a Scriptural Perspective" is okay but the common problem of occasionally blaming the victim is present there like so many other books on the subject. Robert Page wrote a book on the husband's perspective. There are several good workbooks for helping those with BPD and some of those exercises might help you manage your own reactivity. You might even see if she'll go through one of the books on BPD with you but that's not likely if she's denying the diagnosis. You should also become familiar with the counter-dependent and co-dependent symptomology. Your wife needs something called Dialectical Behavioral Therapy. You need lots of prayer and fellowship. Remember the critical point of conflict within her is real or perceived rejection and most folks with some semblance of self simply don't understand how ordinary everyday conversation sounds rejecting.

One last note: the effects of children raised by parents with BPD are well-established. It is of utmost importance that your children be safe. If your wife ever assaults anyone then call the police. Battery is not something cured by anger management. If it is recurring then establish that history and it will aid in a divorce and child custody. In such a case life will get more messy at first, not less, so you had better keep those closest to you informed. You'll all need their help.

It is possible for those with BPD to learn to live acceptably and self-regulate their rage and lability. Your job as husband is to love her as she is and in such a manner so as to provide a context for healing. That's a challenge for anyone married to someone with BPD but remember they suffer before you do. No matter how this plays out prayer, fellowship, and obedience to the word are necessary.

There is one thing a counselor cannot provide for you, your wife, and you family: a miracle. Such things happen. Ask God.

(my apologies for the length)

 

[Hannah66]

Always remember your vows..For better or for worse..yes that covers mental illness as well. I think you need to confess to her about the affair and I would highly recommend you get some Godly counselling. Also, wondering if your wife has ever had some deliverance or been prayed over. I don't believe in all of these labels drs give. To me, it might be she has had some trauma as a child. She can be healed. You both can. Please, don't give up on your marriage. God hates divorce. He also can help you both. Remember what satan wants you to do. Give up on your wife and move on with someone else. God will never honour another marriage like that. And..think about your children. Praying for you

 

[Hannah66]

I meant to add. Go directly to the Father and also His word. All the answers you will find there. Prayers for you. My husband (who was a christian) abandoned me to have affairs with numerous women. He did this after my mother died and then he divorced me last year. Let me tell that divorce is the worst pain I have ever experienced, and I have experienced much pain in my life(even worse then losing a baby in pregnancy). It's a pain that never goes away.

 

[GaveMeJoy]

So hello internet. I'm lost. How to begin:

Married 15 years and have 4 wonderful children. My wife is borderline personality disorder. She rejects that diagnosis, but its what every one of our counselors and her psychiatrist has diagnosed. I could go through a litany of stories, but that helps no one. Suffice it to say that if you've read anything about BPD, that's the situation - lies, anger management issues, spending sprees, suicidal threats, regularly spreading lies about me to family, friends, and church members, etc. I am the one that requested we go to counseling, and we've been at it for 18 months with almost no improvement.

I know that being borderline is not a biblical reason for divorce, regardless of whether a spouse rejects their diagnosis (and if they can't accept it, they won't start the process of getting better).

Now here's the real issue - I cheated recently. Not an affair, but it did happen a few times. There's no excuse. Its sin, plain and simple. I think deep down it was retaliation in my mind. I think I've been pushing down my anger at her for her behavior for so long, and playing the good Christian spouse, that I just wanted to get back at her. But it doesn't really matter. Its sin. Its adultery.

So here's the question: Do I confess to her? No, she won't find out otherwise. Believe me, as with most BPD people, she's too self-absorbed. It's not a dig, its just the truth and it has to be taken into account.

But here's the thing - if I tell her, she will divorce me, freeing me from being with someone with BPD. Part of me wonders if subconsciously that's why I did it. Yes, she will probably tell everyone I know, I'll lose some friends, she'll do her best to destroy my relationship with my kids, and court will be rough. But in 3 - 6 months, I'll be free.

Door number #2 - I continue to pray for strength to stay in our marriage, thanking God for the forgiveness He gives through the blood of Jesus, and just continue to focus on being the rock in the family that supports my wife. But I'll be honest, the idea of another 30-40 years of our marriage is enough to make me want to get on medication to just be numb to it all.

I suppose there's the theoretical possibility that my wife chooses to stay with with me after I confess but, knowing my wife as I do, I put that at a 1% to 2% chance at max.

So do I confess my sin, and (other than the injury to my pride, which is already sin of itself) get rewarded? Or keep it inside and (justly) continue to suffer. Option #1 gives me what I know that my heart wants long term, but the thing that my heart wants right now is a divorce for unbiblical reasons. That's sin and needs to be fought against. Option #2 seems like the right thing to do, but keeping a sin hidden (even if confessed to God) seems too easy on me (except for the staying with someone with BPD for the rest of my life). Neither seems right or just based on the betrayal.

Any advice would be appreciated.

tell her, you just confess your sin against her. God will not honor your marriage, your life, or your circumstances if you conceal your infidelity. You entire life will be a lie, don’t do that to yourself. I didn’t find out my wife had an affair until after she left me and the divorce was finalized, It would have been so much less painful if she would have just told me she wanted to be with someone else, instead of pretending I ruined her life and I’m a bad person. PleAse there is peace you have access to if you confess and submit even though your mind is lying to you and saying it will be easier to stay separate from God with this lie. I’m pulling for you dude!

 

[Lady Donna Marie]

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