Marriage crisis

DZoolander

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Dzoolander

Why do you think hes lasted so long and not just left if this not what he wants?
Could be a million reasons. lol

I wouldn't feel comfortable just giving possible reasons though - because in fairness to the other party - I don't know if they're true.

Most people will clue you in on their thinking though. What's been the overall arching theme in the discussions you've had with him?
 
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Endeavourer

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Your so right .. i feel so pathetic of wanting this marriage despite he has really checked out. The thought of being without him or him not in the home with our kids makes me sick.. i thought it was somthing i could do..that some how God would fix it..but it's been years of hurt


Find the affair and then you can make decisions. The first steps to end a marriage due to an affair or to recover a marriage from an affair are the same (run the other person off and expose), so you won't have to make a final decision until you are a ways into things and see how they go.

In many cases when the betrayed spouse runs the other person off and exposes, they get the person they had fallen so deeply in love with back, so they decide to stay. Others don't get that person back. Some don't care if they do or not, they're ending the marriage anyway. It all depends on how you feel as you go through the process of finding the affair.

All that said, I'm assuming there is an affair based on what you wrote. I'd handicap it at 95% and will be very surprised if you don't find one. However, we don't know **for**sure** yet, so hopefully some digging around on your part can verify.
 
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Tina57

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Could be a million reasons. lol

I wouldn't feel comfortable just giving possible reasons though - because in fairness to the other party - I don't know if they're true.

Most people will clue you in on their thinking though. What's been the overall arching theme in the discussions you've had with him?
 
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Tina57

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He loves me and wants to be here with kids. He's just so embarrassed by the betrayal and everyone in his wife has betrayed him. And he took a chance on me. I'm so upset.. he frequently tells me hes not satisfied with sex and that i was never really his type. But we a bond like no other..but i broke it when i cheated and he hasnt been able to get it back.. i just reading this like how can i be so dumb.. hes already said hes not leaving now in june.. wants to continue to try.. more trying smh..

He talks to girls on phone bc he has friends.. i can see his phone records.. I'm so.stupid I'm so.stupid amd even still i dont want to leave my home ..uproot my kids .. i just thought God would fix it..
 
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DZoolander

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Your xW sounds like an intentional, serial cheater and you'd probably be dealing with guys from everywhere your whole marriage. Bailing out on your xW was the best decision if you don't want to keep being betrayed and eventually wear your body down into sickness from the unbearable stress of trying to love someone who refuses to be faithful.

That was pretty much the long and short of it - even without knowing about the NY thing
 
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DZoolander

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Well if he’s staying you need to have that other talk with him that I said earlier - about what progress, healing and forgiveness actually looks like. He needs to shut up about what happened 10 years ago - and that you’re not going to spend the rest of your life paying for that transgression.
 
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Endeavourer

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I agree with the talk @DZoolander has referenced, but if it were me, I'd rule out an affair first. Otherwise there isn't a talk in the world you can have with him that will move the dial anywhere.

That bond you referenced can come back; once the present is happy the past fades into distant memory.
 
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Endeavourer

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i just thought God would fix it..

Many in our Christian communities have a mistaken idea that their job is to sit while praying and wait for God to fix the problem.

I don't feel that is Scriptural. I feel that I need to pray during a running stride while using the means God gave me.

This concept is found all over the Bible, and summed up with the "he who does not work should not eat" concept. When God gave Canaan to the Israelites, he didn't tell them to just sit and wait while they prayed; he told them to get out there and conquer the land. Do you think the woman in Proverbs 31 would watch a calamity bearing down on her household without getting busy to defend her home? Also, in the 2nd half of Isaiah 28, God speaks of the Israelites having gotten themselves into a covenant with death. He didn't say sit and pray so I can deliver you - he said take a stick and beat it out.

My conviction on that was developed after spending 25 years on my knees for a marriage that wasn't meant to be. Afterwards, I educated myself on all the things I could have done that might have turned it around (how to beat the death out with a stick), and I could see a number of things I could have done that might have changed the course of the marriage, humanly speaking. I desperately wanted to do anything possible for those 25 years but just had **NO** idea what that could be given my misunderstanding about what the Scripture teaches on marriage. I didn't find some really great resources about what to do if you are in a covenant of death (horrible marriage) until it was too late for my marriage.

I went through about 3 years of radical studies to re-align my filters/understandings with reality and now I can see how my earlier understanding omitted so much Scripture in application to marriages. The marriage verses aren't the only portion of the Bible that advises on relationships - the whole Bible teaches a! lot! about the marital relationship. For example, do the verses about an angry man in Proverbs say "unless he is your husband"?
 
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DZoolander

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I spent most of my life pretty much agnostic/secular - so I've never been able to delegate my autonomy/authority over my own actions over to anything else. I always found the Bible to be particularly problematic - because often discussions about scripture ended up becoming social discussions - which of course ends up turning into debates over this or that interpretation of scripture.

For me, being secular was a far more simple way to approach it. Am I acting in good faith in this action? Would I admire someone for taking this course of action - if I'm completely honest with myself about my motives?

Now of course not all of my actions in life have been admirable. I've been a skunk before - lol - but I know that I was being a skunk and I did my best to at least be as little of a skunk as possible...hahaha But I wasn't proud of those things - and I wouldn't do them again.

With respect to how to conduct myself in marriage, though, or whether or not to leave...stuff like "God hates divorce therefore I ought not get divorced" never even crossed my mind. To me it was more like "Is this a healthy relationship, and do I see it becoming healthy even with the best of my efforts?" If the answer was no...then it was time to go.

So in a sense - I think that taking a simpler and more secular route where I wasn't bound by this verse or that verse enabled me to fulfill the kinds of ideas you're talking about when you say "do the verses about an angry man in Proverbs say "unless he is your husband""?

I believe that God wants us to have just, balanced and fruitful relationships. I don't think He wants us to die on that cross if they're not.

But that's just me.
 
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Endeavourer

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I spent most of my life pretty much agnostic/secular - so I've never been able to delegate my autonomy/authority over my own actions over to anything else. I always found the Bible to be particularly problematic - because often discussions about scripture ended up becoming social discussions - which of course ends up turning into debates over this or that interpretation of scripture.

It was extremely freeing to realize that this or that interpretation of Scripture are probably both wrong, to remove my filters from all those interpretations and just read what the words say.

For me, being secular was a far more simple way to approach it. Am I acting in good faith in this action? Would I admire someone for taking this course of action - if I'm completely honest with myself about my motives?

To my shock and surprise, this simple analysis is closer to Scripture than all the filtered "Biblical" finger shaking is. It was so freeing when I realized that ALL the Scripture applies to marriages - and that the marriage verses without context were just pretexts for garbage. Worse than garbage -> toxic poison if you were in a marriage cowering under such pretexts.


With respect to how to conduct myself in marriage, though, or whether or not to leave...stuff like "God hates divorce therefore I ought not get divorced" never even crossed my mind. To me it was more like "Is this a healthy relationship, and do I see it becoming healthy even with the best of my efforts?" If the answer was no...then it was time to go.

There isn't a verse that says God hates divorce. The passage says he hates the treachery that causes divorce. People with pretext just twist it to suit their filters and control people. Your analysis is far more Scriptural than any "God hates divorce." God allows us to flee persecution - there is no caveat that to that passage that says "unless your persecutor is your husband (or wife)".

So in a sense - I think that taking a simpler and more secular route where I wasn't bound by this verse or that verse enabled me to fulfill the kinds of ideas you're talking about when you say "do the verses about an angry man in Proverbs say "unless he is your husband""?

Amen! I truly wish I had been able to see those ideas several months into that 25 year marriage. I actually believe some of them could have helped turn it around, but all I had at the time was "God hates divorce" and "wives submit to your husband".


I believe that God wants us to have just, balanced and fruitful relationships. I don't think He wants us to die on that cross if they're not.

But that's just me.

Amen. I'm a very strong advocator and proponent of marriages - which is why I'm on these boards to help people who are still blinded by filters so often. That was me for so many years and if I had only had a Christian sister or brother who could have shown me the fallacy of my filters I might not have lost some of my health under the unbearable strain of being trapped with an abuser.

However, the Bible does not purport "marriage at all costs" in its doctrines and it is a shame for us to out-God God with our delusions that being locked into marital suffering is Biblical - or somehow earning us favor with God. We are ignoring 90% of his counsel when we do, so how is that pleasing to him?
 
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