Marriage crisis

[Tina57]

I have been with my husband 15 years married 6 of those years we have 2 childrem 3 and 5.. i cheated on him 10 years ago . i also was caught talking to other guys afterwards. He remained distant for years so we separated for 3 months. The entire time he begged for me to come back. We got back together and got married ( he did better for 7 months) and had two kids. I changed my life and have apologized to him multiple times. I do not talk to guys on the phone or hang out. I support him in everything. I am completely honest and open about everything. He still has a wall up and is afraid to let me in. Even though he admits I'm changed but doesn't know if i will change again. What do I do? He is loving sometimes and brings up the past on how i hurt him. He's gotten better that he doesn't bring it up all the time. But it's frequent enough. He is not really affectionate and has triggers like seeing a car or hearing a name of one the guys i went out with. He doesn't completely trust me. I want my marriage i know he loves me but i cant live like this. Dealing with him holding back affection and randomly being mad at me for the past.

He said today he wanta to save up and leave in june. That he wants a connection with someone and he cant and dont know how to trust me... I'm devastated.. what do i do???

He is also not a believer of Christ

Anyone??? Help

 

[Halbhh]

I have been with my husband 15 years married 6 of those years we have 2 childrem 3 and 5.. i cheated on him 10 years ago . i also was caught talking to other guys afterwards. He remained distant for years so we separated for 3 months. The entire time he begged for me to come back. We got back together and got married ( he did better for 7 months) and had two kids. I changed my life and have apologized to him multiple times. I do not talk to guys on the phone or hang out. I support him in everything. I am completely honest and open about everything. He still has a wall up and is afraid to let me in. Even though he admits I'm changed but doesn't know if i will change again. What do I do? He is loving sometimes and brings up the past on how i hurt him. He's gotten better that he doesn't bring it up all the time. But it's frequent enough. He is not really affectionate and has triggers like seeing a car or hearing a name of one the guys i went out with. He doesn't completely trust me. I want my marriage i know he loves me but i cant live like this. Dealing with him holding back affection and randomly being mad at me for the past.

He said today he wanta to save up and leave in june. That he wants a connection with someone and he cant and dont know how to trust me... I'm devastated.. what do i do???

He is also not a believer of Christ

Anyone??? Help

Someone else may have more about communication and such, but the single most powerful aid I've found that improves fraught relationships is to follow Christ by putting His instructions to us into practice ourselves, in our own selves, that is, more fully. You want to get to the place where you have forgiven everyone that you have anything against, but the first step is to forgive someone, one person, first. And we learn from Him we must forgive others "in your heart".

For most everyone, we need to forgive someone from our childhood, or from years ago, whom we haven't yet.

Once we forgive someone in our heart, it causes us to be truly free from the weight of that unforgiveness we had been holding in our heart.

Now, I know what you want is to him to forgive you, but your first step is that you forgive other people yourself.

And sometimes, often, we may need to pray for aid to have our hearts changed to forgive others.

Once you put into practice the things Christ said, you change in a way that is very powerful to help others around you.

Another key thing you must do is what Christ said to us is the "greatest commandment". Put this into practice, and you will become filled with love.

Once those things are happening, then this relationship situation will be so much easier for you, whether he stays or leaves.

You can pray for him also. It's invaluable to know that in the gospels Christ gives us very precise instructions on how to pray, in many places, and putting those instructions into practice results in prayers answered.

 

[Call me Nic]

This is a tricky situation, but the Bible gives some answers to possible outcomes of this.

If he does decide to leave, there's nothing you can do about it. I would keep talking with him, pleading with him not to leave, and asking him to forgive you because we're all sinners and we're all in need of mercy and grace. If he does not heed you, and decides to leave, let him go, you're not under bondage.
1 Corinthians 7:14-15. And I need you to know that perhaps, if he divorces you, he could cause you to commit adultery according to Matthew 5:32.

Now, I'm not telling you this to discourage you by any means, just to let you know what the scripture says about these kinds of things. Ultimately, if he divorces you, your adultery will be caused by him and I doubt that it'll be accounted unto you. If he does divorce, Paul says its better for you to remain unmarried, or otherwise be reconciled with your husband down the road if the opportunity arises.

But know that God is merciful and loving, and will love you through anything that could ever happen. I would pray unceasingly for God to provide restoration to your relationship with your husband, that his eyes can be opened to mercy, grace, and truth so that he can trust you and open himself up to you. I recommend trying to approach him every day about your love of him, and your willingness to submit and be faithful.

But know that whatever happens will happen according to the will of God, and that his way is perfect. Trust in him and what he has in mind. And I'm also going to be praying for you and your situation.

God bless.

 

[Endeavourer]

Tina, are you sure HE isn't having an affair? There are certain indicators in your description that would cause me to want to rule that out.

The way I read your description, your interaction with other men was prior to your marriage. Knowing those things, he married you anyway.

However, it seems that he has not been able to quiet his doubts. Does he have full access to your digital life? Does he ever independently verify your whereabouts and who you are with?

If he does, is it possible he is using his resentment to control you in some way? Does he hold these premarital connections you had with men over you to get his way?

Edited to add: Do you ever see the men you had connected with prior to the marriage around? Do they live in the same vicinity, attend the same church or go to the same grocery store? Do you work with them? Are they still in your life in any way?

 

[Tina57]

I don't know if he's having an affair. He could be. The men are in the vicinity and we occasional see them at local gym or party. But he knows I'm not still talking to them. I believe he's mad at himself for staying with me in the past and he doesnt think i loved him in the past. It's unforgiveness

 

[Endeavourer]

I don't know if he's having an affair. He could be.

You can't do much about your marriage until you rule this out. If he is having an affair you can tie yourself in knots and stand upside down and he won't even notice. **DON'T** ask him if he is having an affair - if he is he will just deny it and hide it better. Quietly poke around to see what you can find.

The men are in the vicinity and we occasional see them at local gym or party. But he knows I'm not still talking to them.

This might be a much bigger problem than you give it credit for. Seeing these men are a trigger for him to recall and stir up his bitter resentment. The best (possibly only) way for a marriage to recover fully and be a better version of the pre-affair relationship is for all triggers to be removed is to move to another state - far enough away that these men would not be encountered. Most people who fully recover from an affair and improve their marriage to better than the pre-affair marriage literally move so no local triggers or occasional sightings of the affair partner can happen.

You didn't really have an affair because you weren't married, but he is processing it as a very deep betrayal and in a similar manner as an affair ==> unless he's simply using the situation to coerce you to concede to what he wants in order to keep the home together. That type of threat is very abusive and likely has nothing to do with an affair and more to do with control.

I believe he's mad at himself for staying with me in the past and he doesnt think i loved him in the past. It's unforgiveness

Well, you aren't entitled to his forgiveness, of course, but it would seem you could have expected that you had his forgiveness when the relationship progressed to marriage afterwards.

When someone is having an affair, they typically rewrite history so their current spouse was "never" their best choice for whatever reason. An alien possesses their mind and all they can think is mud about their spouse and glorious fantasies about their affair partner. It's the well known contrast effect.

This is one of the tells that prompted me to ask you if you were sure HE isn't in an affair. Can you poke around a bit to verify that he's not having an affair?

 

[Tina57]

That is great info ty.. his phone is lock & he's not unlocking it...no other way to poke around..What else can i check?

 

[DZoolander]

Before I give my opinion, I'm confused. So he says he's leaving you in June? The marriage is finished?

 

[Tina57]

I am not sure if it's something he said in anger or not.

 

[DZoolander]

Well, my advice is kinda moot if his intention is to leave and his mind is made up. But you both need to have a frank discussion about healing and what that means.

Don't get me wrong - I think that people have a right to be hurt. I think people have a right to take their time to heal. I think people ought be given the time they need without pressure from the "offending" partner. BUT...there's also a balance to it. Progress needs to be made.

You ought not be paying that kind of penance for something that occurred nearly a decade ago, when you were dating. Sorry, but dating is not the same as marriage, and the commitment in dating is different. That being said - it's been 10 years without any further incident on your part.

If healing was actually the goal - it should go something like...
Day 1 - it consumes the other person's thoughts.
Month 1 - It still consumes a ton of their thoughts.
Month 6 - It consumes a good deal of their thoughts.
Year 1 - It comes up sometimes
Year 2 - It comes up every now and then
Year 3 - It's occasionally thought of - but rarely brought up
...etc.

By a decade later - I'd be having a serious come to Jesus talk where I would be frank and say that I have no intention of spending my entire life paying the price for some transgression ages ago. Sure, you need to process things on your own timeline, but at this point I'm wondering if forgiveness is even a goal. I don't want to hear about it again. Ever. I'm done paying for that...and if you're not done making me pay for it maybe it is time to go. For my own sanity - for my own peace of mind - I refuse to continue to pay some price for that.

“Since you were the one hurt it may suck to say the ball's in your court and now it’s on you - but after a decade - it kinda is.”

That's how I would approach it, to be honest.

 

[Tina57]

That's how i feel. I'm over it. We have two young girls but idk. It's like all he can see os negatives and stays on that. I don't even know if he realizes what he has...

 

[Tina57]

And he does talk to some females on the phone but claims they are friends.. idk maybe he just staying for the kids Idk

 

[Endeavourer]

And he does talk to some females on the phone but claims they are friends.. idk maybe he just staying for the kids Idk

Hi again, Tina. I was away for the weekend so I'm sorry about abandoning your posts for several days.

My best guess is that your husband is having an emotional or physical affair. There are a lot of indicators in what you have written that point in that direction.

I agree with the last post from @DZoolander entirely. I truly think he is using that to justify something else to himself.

his phone is lock & he's not unlocking it...no other way to poke around..What else can i check?

Do you have access to any of his digital life? Do you share a computer?

 

[Tina57]

No access to digital dont share computer.. what should i do any way to fight this?

 

[DZoolander]

Personally, I'm not a "fight people" in relationships kind of individual. People are gonna do what people want to do. At least over the long haul, that's the long and short of it IMHO.

People are weird in how they look at the world. They figure that so long as the other person doesn't know what's going on, that in a sense it's not true.

As an example...when I was younger I was married briefly to a girl that I had dated all throughout college. We shouldn't have gotten married, but whatever. After about a year of being married, I divorced her for a number of different reasons.

But...when she did get around to fighting it...she told me that she "didn't see it coming, and that she thought everything was going along just fine."

One of the things I'd learned over the divorce process from other people was that she'd fallen smitten with some guy she "met" on AOL (lol - I'm dating myself now) who lived in NY (I lived in LA). She had set up a trip to go to NY to meet with a few of her old friends - and wanted to meet that guy. Apparently something she did wigged him out prior to them meeting - so he cut all contact before her trip and it didn't happen.

When she told me "I thought everything was going great" - I couldn't help but say "Do people who are happy in marriages make arrangements to meet someone else on trips to New York? I don't know what's more embarrassing to me - that you did that - or that I was married to someone that was capable of freaking out some AOL guy to the point where he cut contact ahead of time?"

My insult aside - the point is that she likely never even looked at it that way. She probably truly believed that the marriage was going okay, was truly surprised that I filed for divorce from her, and never once connected all the dots until I started bringing things up.

People have an intrinsic need to see themselves in a good light. If he is actively pursuing someone else or hedging his bets, so long as you don't know, that DOES make a difference to him. And if you were to find out - it would be your fault that he was at that point anyhow due to the excruciating pain that you subjected him to years ago and the resulting inability for him to ever bond with you. He gave it his best shot, but in the end was incapable, and now he wants more.

It would be something like that. You aren't going to fix it if his mind is made up. He's far too busy painting pictures of the past to allow him to come out as the victimized champion finally moving on to the life that he should have had - or that he deserves. It's a testament to his character that he was able to try for so long.

That's how people think about themselves.

That being said, is it in your interests to try and fight it? I dunno. My point of view is different than others. I don't seek to change people - because I think it's a futile endeavor. People either want to be with you or they don't...and if they don't...let 'em go. Everyone (yourself included) will be better off over the long haul.

I know it's easier said than done...and as I said earlier about my interactions with my ex wife ages ago...I've allowed myself to become demeaning to others when push came to shove. But, I do honestly believe that once you allow yourself down that road - that's all that will come of it. You'll just have better ammunition to go at them with - but changing nothing about the end result.

That's my .02 on the matter...and "fighting"...or trying to "find out".

 

[Tina57]

Your so right .. i feel so pathetic of wanting this marriage despite he has really checked out. The thought of being without him or him not in the home with our kids makes me sick.. i thought it was somthing i could do..that some how God would fix it..but it's been years of hurt

 

[Tina57]

Personally, I'm not a "fight people" in relationships kind of individual. People are gonna do what people want to do. At least over the long haul, that's the long and short of it IMHO.

People are weird in how they look at the world. They figure that so long as the other person doesn't know what's going on, that in a sense it's not true.

As an example...when I was younger I was married briefly to a girl that I had dated all throughout college. We shouldn't have gotten married, but whatever. After about a year of being married, I divorced her for a number of different reasons.

But...when she did get around to fighting it...she told me that she "didn't see it coming, and that she thought everything was going along just fine."

One of the things I'd learned over the divorce process from other people was that she'd fallen smitten with some guy she "met" on AOL (lol - I'm dating myself now) who lived in NY (I lived in LA). She had set up a trip to go to NY to meet with a few of her old friends - and wanted to meet that guy. Apparently something she did wigged him out prior to them meeting - so he cut all contact before her trip and it didn't happen.

When she told me "I thought everything was going great" - I couldn't help but say "Do people who are happy in marriages make arrangements to meet someone else on trips to New York? I don't know what's more embarrassing to me - that you did that - or that I was married to someone that was capable of freaking out some AOL guy to the point where he cut contact ahead of time?"

My insult aside - the point is that she likely never even looked at it that way. She probably truly believed that the marriage was going okay, was truly surprised that I filed for divorce from her, and never once connected all the dots until I started bringing things up.

People have an intrinsic need to see themselves in a good light. If he is actively pursuing someone else or hedging his bets, so long as you don't know, that DOES make a difference to him. And if you were to find out - it would be your fault that he was at that point anyhow due to the excruciating pain that you subjected him to years ago and the resulting inability for him to ever bond with you. He gave it his best shot, but in the end was incapable, and now he wants more.

It would be something like that. You aren't going to fix it if his mind is made up. He's far too busy painting pictures of the past to allow him to come out as the victimized champion finally moving on to the life that he should have had - or that he deserves. It's a testament to his character that he was able to try for so long.

That's how people think about themselves.

That being said, is it in your interests to try and fight it? I dunno. My point of view is different than others. I don't seek to change people - because I think it's a futile endeavor. People either want to be with you or they don't...and if they don't...let 'em go. Everyone (yourself included) will be better off over the long haul.

I know it's easier said than done...and as I said earlier about my interactions with my ex wife ages ago...I've allowed myself to become demeaning to others when push came to shove. But, I do honestly believe that once you allow yourself down that road - that's all that will come of it. You'll just have better ammunition to go at them with - but changing nothing about the end result.

That's my .02 on the matter...and "fighting"...or trying to "find out".

 

[Tina57]

Dzoolander

Why do you think hes lasted so long and not just left if this not what he wants?

 

[DZoolander]

Don't worry - it's not pathetic. People want what they want.

And there's other things to consider - you have the kids - etc. You don't want them subjected to it. You also are used to taking the blame - which makes the other person seem like they're the more worthy of being had... etc etc. All of those things come into play when people think about "what I'd like to have happen".

My only point is that perspective is not truth - if that makes any sense. Rather, perspective is momentary and changes as circumstance changes. I wasn't "happy" when I filed for divorce. But one of the happiest moments in my life ever was one day - months and months later - when I was just walking around and it suddenly dawned on me that I had no idea what the future would hold/who I would meet/etc. The opportunity for something that was truly good at that moment trumped the "hurt" of losing something that was actually miserable to be in.

You can't jump from one to the other - but both are perspectives of the same situation - if that makes any sense

 

[Endeavourer]

@DZoolander it's amazing how many people have the first reaction to fight for their marriage. They may have children or other reasons - or they may still be in love with their husbands/wives.

Having been down that road myself at one time - and stayed with the marriage - I would not choose to do so again. There is a psyche behind an intentional cheater that simply doesn't care about the other person no matter how many preztels a spouse who loves them turns themselves into. When that marriage finally ended my health started recovering, but I probably will never had a full restoration of health. I wish I would have known to bail on the marriage when I found out.

On the other hand, if someone develops a friendship that inadvertently progressed into an affair (not an intentional cheater), there is a lot of hope for saving those marriages. I'm always willing to help those spouses fight for the marriages. The simple (but difficult) act of running the other affair partner off and exposing them makes all the difference in ending the affair and rebuilding the marriage.

Your xW sounds like an intentional, serial cheater and you'd probably be dealing with guys from everywhere your whole marriage. Bailing out on your xW was the best decision if you don't want to keep being betrayed and eventually wear your body down into sickness from the unbearable stress of trying to love someone who refuses to be faithful.