My husband and a I have split financies due to earlier marital problems (he drained accounts and left). Since weve gotten married (2 years) ive always made slightly more than him and have far less debt. When we shared $, we blew through my savings and started buying things on credit and were always chasing to pay things off, it was stressful! Needless to say, he still lives this way. I am the only one contributing to the household expenses while he spends his on personal bills and credit card debt.
We recently developed a joint income that we had agreed would pay our joint bills. Now that the money is here, he is upset realizing that this still does not free up his money. It’s back to the let’s join everything again... I can’t go back to the controlling of where I’m spending and the I’ll spend it before you can behaviors. I feel stuck between putting my foot down and saying your the man and this is how we can off set your lack of contribution and responsibility vs just letting him spend as he pleases while I support the house hold.
We can’t agree and are getting resentful towards each other!! What are we missing?
There are two options I would choose, if I were you.
But before we get to those options, we have to admit out loud, and directly, the current plan sucks. You have tried to be reasonable. You have tried to negotiate. You have tried to work around him. The result is it sucks.
So we need to drastically change the way we do this. It's time to drop an atomic bomb in the middle of this, and snap him out of his stupidity.
Now if you grasp this, and are willing to say to yourself, I must lay down the rules, or I will be miserable for the rest of my life, or until I divorce him.
Possibility number one:
Simply quit. Just quit. How does that work? Stop paying the bills. Just stop.
I've seen this work. Just leave the bills on his desk, or couch, or whatever. Unopened.
When you go shopping, buy only food for you. Not him. Let him starve. When he complains, say it's time to be a man, and start taking responsibility. If you refuse, then you can buy, cook, and eat your food yourself.
Stop cleaning his clothes too. Just quit. We are either a couple, and a pair, or you are a roommate, and you can deal with your life yourself.
When he asks what is going on, just tell him you are done being his parents. He's the man of the house, and it's time he mans up and pays his bills. And he'll get on whiny, and you just tell him... you can whine all you want, but I'm not paying the bills. Don't argue about it. Don't fight. No matter what he says, just reply "nevertheless I am not paying the bills anymore".
Either he will snap out of it, or when the power is turned off, he'll snap out of it. Try and plan it out so they cut the power in the summer rather than the winter.
Perhaps you say that sucks and you don't want to go through it. Right, but if things keep going the way they are going, you'll end up divorced anyway. So might as well give it your best shot.
Possibility number two:
Move out. Move back with your parents. When he goes to work, pack up, and leave. He comes home, you are not there.
He will call you, and you just say "I want a husband, not a child I have to pay for. You either man up and pay the bills, or I'm staying with my parents until you grow up."
He'll freak out, and say he'll change. You'll come back a few days later.
And here's the kicker with this. It's a not a magic pill. It's not a three step program. You might have to do it several times. He'll go back to his old ways, and you pack up and leave for your parents house again.
You might have to ditch the guy several times... but eventually even a dog can be trained to not pee on the carpet. You just have to keep doing it.
Possibility number three:
You tell absolutely everyone. You tell his parents. You tell his pastor. You tell his brothers and sisters. You tell his relatives. You tell his friends. You tell everyone "My husband is doing this, and it is destroying our marriage. Can you talk to him for me?"
You tell EVERYBODY.
One last bit of advice. For some reason many women think the way you get serious problems fixed, is by yapping at someone. You can talk at a man until the end of time. I can tell already that you have been yapping at your husband for some time. Talking is equal to nothing. Do not engaging in lengthy lectures. It does not work. Not in our culture. I've heard rumors that it works in Japan, that people will just get a tongue lashing, and they change their ways.
That's there, not here. You can talk until you pass out from exhaustion, and absolutely nothing will change. You need to confront with actions. Not words.
Again.... the only way you are going to have the courage to confront your husband, is if you understand that this is a doomsday situation. If you do not deal with this, you will end up in divorce. So you might as well attack this head on.
Either quit... just stop paying the bills, and let him figure it out or the power is turned off....
Tell absolutely everyone in his entire life... and let them pressure him to man up....
Or simply ditch him. He goes to work, comes back, and you are missing with all your stuff....
Action is what is needed. No more talking. Do not debate him on this, or argue with him, or have a lecture time. You need to make some moves.
