Male / Female Friendships

[Tetra]

Assuming you're married, would you care if your wife / husband has a best friend (or friend) who was the opposite sex? Do you think this is an ethical issue? Just curious what others think here.

 

[CrystalDragon]

As long as they're not cheating, I don't see a problem.

 

[Tetra]

As long as they're not cheating, I don't see a problem.

I just remember growing up in the church, it was always viewed as a "bad" thing. Looking back, no idea why that would be though.

 

[Kenny'sID]

Looking back, no idea why that would be though.

I would guess it's all about temptation.

 

[Paidiske]

I think some people see it as a temptation to create emotional intimacy with someone outside your marriage (thus undermining your marriage).

I wouldn't particularly care providing I wasn't entirely shut out of the friendship (ie. provided they would include me in conversations etc sometimes). I have good male friends and would find it very difficult if my husband somehow expected those friendships to end.

 

[jasonwrites]

I have a female best friend. She's been married 16 years. I lived with them briefly when I moved here. She has another male friend who, like me, moved here from out-of-state. He has stayed living with them, however. He and her husband are my closest male friends here. I realize that situation may be unusual, but... I don't see any problem with it. Opposite-sex friendships are just as valid. There's also the matter of same-sex friendships where one may be attracted to the other, but I'll leave that can of worms alone.

 

[Tetra]

Been married 13 years to the love of my life! Also, my best friend is a girl, and it hasn't negatively impacted my marriage at all. In fact, she's only enriched my life.

 

[Tetra]

I would guess it's all about temptation.

I gather that, the problem is there is no way to even know if it's a "temptation". In the meantime, one could be robbing themselves of meaningful (platonic) friendships.

 

[jasonwrites]

I gather that, the problem is there is no way to even know if it's a "temptation". In the meantime, one could be robbing themselves of meaningful (platonic) friendships.

Temptation is a two-way street. If it's only a one-way attraction, then it should remain harmless as long as the person feeling the attraction can be mature enough to put it aside to focus on the advantages of a strong platonic friendship. Of course, it will work best if that attraction isn't felt by either party. I've also been on the wrong end of one, where she really fancied me and I didn't reciprocate, in fact I was quite clear about the issue from early on, and yet our friendship did eventually collapse because she felt like I rejected her. Sigh...

 

[timewerx]

I would guess it's all about temptation.

Temptation with a best friend?? I don't think that's possible. Seriously!

Best friends are like brothers and sisters literally. There's a psychological term for it (that I forgot) that applies to the bond between a sibling of the opposite sex. It also applies to best friends.

So no, I won't be concerned a bit if I have a wife or GF who has a bestfriend(s) of the opposite sex.

 

[Tetra]

Temptation is a two-way street. If it's only a one-way attraction, then it should remain harmless as long as the person feeling the attraction can be mature enough to put it aside to focus on the advantages of a strong platonic friendship. Of course, it will work best if that attraction isn't felt by either party. I've also been on the wrong end of one, where she really fancied me and I didn't reciprocate, in fact I was quite clear about the issue from early on, and yet our friendship did eventually collapse because she felt like I rejected her. Sigh...

You're spot on, which is why I find the "temptation" argument so bizarre. Like the other person doesn't even exist or something. As long as one person keeps it platonic, makes no difference in my opinion.

 

[LaSorcia]

I think that in general it is a bad idea, but should be taken on a case-by-case basis. My bf is male, but there is no temptation to sexual attraction. I've known him so long that he feels like a brother to me, and it feels just as gross to think of him in a romantic was as it would my real life brother!

I think it's better to err on the side of caution. While I hate to see people dump their friends because of an SO, especially without any communication, your commitment should be to your spouse, and that takes precedence.

 

[com7fy8]

I think it can be good if all three are secure with each other.

And the best friend can share with one's spouse while all three are together.

After all, if the best friend is so good for the spouse, probably the best friend would be good for both of them.

 

[EmmaCat]

I think it's very healthy for men and women to have friends of the opposite sex. I enjoy the company of several of my husband's police friends and fellow officers, and I have female friends he likes too.

I think a bunch of junk comes from someone becoming stupid and maybe having problems and looking for a chance for a good friendship to turn toward something more serious.

I would say, if it comes to that, walk away from that junk and get yourself right. It would save a lot of heartache.

And you'd still have a friend. No worries.

All good things
Emmy

 

[Anguspure]

Temptation with a best friend?? I don't think that's possible. Seriously!

Best friends are like brothers and sisters literally. There's a psychological term for it (that I forgot) that applies to the bond between a sibling of the opposite sex. It also applies to best friends.

So no, I won't be concerned a bit if I have a wife or GF who has a bestfriend(s) of the opposite sex.

Treat younger men as brothers, older women as mothers, and younger women as sisters, with absolute purity.(1 Timothy 5)

The trouble I've experienced with this is that when I've treated women in this way within the Church environment it has generally been regarded with suspicion, on the other hand outside the Church environment they've always wondered what I've been up to as well.

Sad to say, because for a guy that has spent most of his life stuck with nothing but egotistical and hard going men, the last thing I want to do when I'm in the church is spend more time around the same thing.

 

[timewerx]

Treat younger men as brothers, older women as mothers, and younger women as sisters, with absolute purity.(1 Timothy 5)

The trouble I've experienced with this is that when I've treated women in this way within the Church environment it has generally been regarded with suspicion, on the other hand outside the Church environment they've always wondered what I've been up to as well.

Sad to say, because for a guy that has spent most of his life stuck with nothing but egotistical and hard going men, the last thing I want to do when I'm in the church is spend more time around the same thing.

I'm sorry to hear. Perhaps, the suspicion is that they might think you're gay for not liking man-stuff and not being with the boys.

Anyway, I found what it is called. It is referred to as the "Westermarck Effect". Happens between siblings of opposite sex which eliminates sexual attraction between them.

Based on my own experience, it also happens between best friends of the opposite sex.

 

[Tetra]

Treat younger men as brothers, older women as mothers, and younger women as sisters, with absolute purity.(1 Timothy 5)

The trouble I've experienced with this is that when I've treated women in this way within the Church environment it has generally been regarded with suspicion, on the other hand outside the Church environment they've always wondered what I've been up to as well.

Sad to say, because for a guy that has spent most of his life stuck with nothing but egotistical and hard going men, the last thing I want to do when I'm in the church is spend more time around the same thing.

I think it's finding the right girl. My wife introduced me to my best friend, so that made my life easier. Depending on the church, some people can act really freaking wierd if you ask a girl to hangout, or go for coffee.

 

[Anguspure]

I'm sorry to hear. Perhaps, the suspicion is that they might think you're gay for not liking man-stuff and not being with the boys.

Anyway, I found what it is called. It is referred to as the "Westermarck Effect". Happens between siblings of opposite sex which eliminates sexual attraction between them.

Based on my own experience, it also happens between best friends of the opposite sex.

Yup, either that or predatory, which is worse I suppose.

Another effect I've observed is that the way which we judge others on this topic can be revealing about the way in which we ourselves approach relationships of this kind.

 

[timewerx]

Yup, either that or predatory, which is worse I suppose.

Another effect I've observed is that the way which we judge others on this topic can be revealing about the way in which we ourselves approach relationships of this kind.

I think it will only look predatory if you're trying to hangout with women who are significantly younger than you. Otherwise, it should be okay.

 

[Tetra]

Yup, either that or predatory, which is worse I suppose.

Another effect I've observed is that the way which we judge others on this topic can be revealing about the way in which we ourselves approach relationships of this kind.

If their response to going for a coffee is, "hey, I have a husband!!". Those are the weird ones that most likely won't make good friends anyways.