Lost husband 30 years ago and it still hurts

[iamabcg]

I am 53 and lost my husband when I was just 23 years old. We had only been married 2 years. People say time heals but for me it never has.

 

[Rememberme]

I am 53 and lost my husband when I was just 23 years old. We had only been married 2 years. People say time heals but for me it never has.

Hi iamabcg, I am sorry for your loss at such a young age.I don't think time heals.I think Jesus can heal our wounds though.I am still fairly new to this widow road and it isn't always easy to navigate.That's a long time for you.As you know there are not always words to make it better.Just press in to the Lord when that grief monster shows up.I know it is a struggle but Jesus cares and loves you so much.

Father I pray for iamabcg. Only you can touch that spot that hurts so deep and intense.You bore our griefs Lord and I pray that iamabcg is aware of your precious Holy Spirit this moment and you bring her peace.A hope for her future Lord that you have for her.You are a husband to the widows and you will take care of all her needs.Emotion is a need and you care about that Dear Father.I pray the peace which passes all understanding for your precious daughter right now.Right this moment.All Glory to you Lord, for your faithfulness. In Jesus name. Amen

If you need to PM me feel free to do so.

 

[iamabcg]

Thank you for your prayer

 

[blackribbon]

I read a professional study on this once. Mostly, nobody studies grief beyond one or two years. This one actually focused on grief that was at least 5 years and followed younger widows/widowers for 15 years. They found out that we think about our spouses daily for an average of 33 years....and remember that is an AVERAGE...I am thinking that sounds like 'til death' for most of us. The study's conclusion was that the authors thought that more research needed to be done in this area but the results showed that science/psychology had a lot of wrong assumptions about grief...especially for spouses.

Even the idea that we completely heal is really crazy. With God's help, we learn how to smile, laugh, and function again. I think that often has to be good enough.

 

[manny101]

Dear sister in Christ - I understand that when it happens, you become numb, directionless, insecure, your dreams and desire to love again dies. I have been there. God is restoring - there are many kinds of deaths. God is putting the desire in me to love and to dream again. I want my life to count to be a mom of so many children that never had one. You have many gifts are have become dormant - God wants to wake them up and to encourage you to be all that you can. Father in Jesus name put your loving arms around her and let her feel you love. Put your loving fire within her heart and give her new hope, new life, new joy and a new destiny. amen. If you want to correspond, please feel free to do so. Your sister in Christ manny You may want to check youtubecindytrimmatomicpowerprayers for encouragement and spiritual warfare teaching.

 

[amenkid777]

Hi iamabcg, I am sorry for your loss at such a young age.I don't think time heals.I think Jesus can heal our wounds though.I am still fairly new to this widow road and it isn't always easy to navigate.That's a long time for you.As you know there are not always words to make it better.Just press in to the Lord when that grief monster shows up.I know it is a struggle but Jesus cares and loves you so much.

Father I pray for iamabcg. Only you can touch that spot that hurts so deep and intense.You bore our griefs Lord and I pray that iamabcg is aware of your precious Holy Spirit this moment and you bring her peace.A hope for her future Lord that you have for her.You are a husband to the widows and you will take care of all her needs.Emotion is a need and you care about that Dear Father.I pray the peace which passes all understanding for your precious daughter right now.Right this moment.All Glory to you Lord, for your faithfulness. In Jesus name. Amen

If you need to PM me feel free to do so.

I agree with this prayer. You are so precious to God. I don't know how you feel, or what you're going through, but I encourage you to seek God. If it is hard for you at first, or you feel hopeless, He understands. But seek Him and focus on Him as your Husband, do a word search and see what all Scriptures speak of this. It will not only help you, but blesses the Lord. I know what I am saying may sound easy to say, but I think it will really help you. I will be praying for you as much as I can remember to. So sorry you are going through this.

 

[Lindaschatting]

"JESUS I PLACE MY TRUST IN YOU". A good way to start out each and every day. Say it when needed throughout the day. You can't go wrong if you apply yourself, do your best, prepare and trust in him.

 

[NOTWHATIWAS]

I am 53 and lost my husband when I was just 23 years old. We had only been married 2 years. People say time heals but for me it never has.

I wish I had adequate words of comfort for you tonight. All I can say is that I will be praying for you.

 

[owl147]

the saying time heals sometimes I wonder if its true and how long it takes to heal after a loss of a loved one.
Just joined today and after 30 years of very happy marriage I lost the one and only one I have ever love four months ago and the void is still there.

 

[Goatee]

Waw! Must have been such a special relationship. I am sure he is looking after you.

 

[blackribbon]

the saying time heals sometimes I wonder if its true and how long it takes to heal after a loss of a loved one.
Just joined today and after 30 years of very happy marriage I lost the one and only one I have ever love four months ago and the void is still there.

Honest answer?

"heal"...you'd have to define what this means to you

"Active grief" ... that where it can cripple you and be all consuming takes longer than most people want to admit but it does get better...

Grief itself....well, for widows/widowers it becomes a part of who we are...we can get on with our lives but we easily feel the pain for probably the rest of our lives.

I like to compare it to carrying a very heavy load in a backpack. Initially, it feels impossible and you can barely move under the pain and weight of the load. However, over time, you get stronger and carrying the load gets easier...not because the load got lighter but you are better equipped to deal with it.

There is a study that shows most widows think about their spouses as much as daily for as long as 30 years.

The void is now part of who you are because you loved her...but that doesn't mean you can't find a quality in life while you are waiting to be with her again.

 

[Grafted In]

It's very clear you loved him very much and that he also loved you very much.
May I ask, do you think he would want you to live out the rest of your life grieving his loss?
This is a delicate subject and I hope I don't write something that adds to your pain, but if your deceased husband could just speak to you for a moment don't you think he'd say that it is breaking his heart to know you still hurt. Don't you think he would want you to cherish the years you had together, but that he would want you to live life to its fullest for the rest of your life.
That's what love would want.

 

[blackribbon]

It's very clear you loved him very much and that he also loved you very much.
May I ask, do you think he would want you to live out the rest of your life grieving his loss?
This is a delicate subject and I hope I don't write something that adds to your pain, but if your deceased husband could just speak to you for a moment don't you think he'd say that it is breaking his heart to know you still hurt. Don't you think he would want you to cherish the years you had together, but that he would want you to live life to its fullest for the rest of your life.
That's what love would want.

Nobody at 4 months out is ready to even think about "living their life to the fullest"...reality is hitting its hardest and often the best you can do is survive the next moment...and each day is just that, surviving one moment to the next. I remember realizing that some days remembering to breath was my biggest accomplishment. It does get better. I promise. But it doesn't go away...and she won't go away from you. Surviving at this point is enough. I don't know if you have kids or grandbabies or even furbabies...but we have to find a reason to live each day to cover for the days when we really would rather wouldn't.

People who haven't walked in these shoes can't possible imagine what this feels like...and often give theoretical advice that just doesn't translate to reality. You are allowed to grieve and be sad ... because she deserves to be grieved for ... that is what love is about. Eventually, you will find a way to piece together your life without her but it takes time and on your time scale and on your terms. ((hugs)) I am sorry because it does hurt like hell.

 

[5pguy]

I am 53 and lost my husband when I was just 23 years old. We had only been married 2 years. People say time heals but for me it never has.

I just lost my wife of 34 years. I walked away from the accident, while she was taken away by her angels. It's hard to turn the next the page to a new chapter in my life. I'm still justifiably angry at my Father in Heaven, and praying He will turn my pain into happiness. I'm also including in my prayers, those who are suffering from a loss of a love one. Over 400 attended her funeral. The love we had for each other, to Jesus and to our community and friends was shown by standing room only.

 

[Kenny'sID]

I'm sorry to hear of all your losses.

I haven't had such great loss or really anything close to it, but I find time does heal, but can leave a huge scar. Time helps a lot but doesn't ever do the job completely.

 

[teresa]

I read a professional study on this once. Mostly, nobody studies grief beyond one or two years. This one actually focused on grief that was at least 5 years and followed younger widows/widowers for 15 years. They found out that we think about our spouses daily for an average of 33 years....and remember that is an AVERAGE...I am thinking that sounds like 'til death' for most of us. The study's conclusion was that the authors thought that more research needed to be done in this area but the results showed that science/psychology had a lot of wrong assumptions about grief...especially for spouses.

Even the idea that we completely heal is really crazy. With God's help, we learn how to smile, laugh, and function again. I think that often has to be good enough.

Thank you for posting this information about the research study. I think their findings are vital to helping those of us left behind to not feel bad if we seem to be grieving too long.

Its not necessary to tell folks who are grieving that they should be over it by now.

Studies like the one you post tell the real truth of what normal is!

 

[teresa]

It's very clear you loved him very much and that he also loved you very much.
May I ask, do you think he would want you to live out the rest of your life grieving his loss?
This is a delicate subject and I hope I don't write something that adds to your pain, but if your deceased husband could just speak to you for a moment don't you think he'd say that it is breaking his heart to know you still hurt. Don't you think he would want you to cherish the years you had together, but that he would want you to live life to its fullest for the rest of your life.
That's what love would want.

thank you for this post. Its not occurred to me that my husband wouldn't want me to hurt any more. that's a good thought...

 

[bill5]

I am 53 and lost my husband when I was just 23 years old. We had only been married 2 years. People say time heals

I so hate that expression. Sure time can and usually does help to an extent, but while I haven't been on this road nearly as long as you, I do see that the weight will never go away entirely, nor did I ever expect it to. How could it?

ugh, don't get me started on how grossly ignorant people are about this. I have heard some serious horror stories about people being not just ignorant but shockingly callous about it, like "it's been a whole year, you should be over it by now" etc. How disgustingly thoughtless. It was good that no one ever approached me that way. I might have, on a reflex action, slammed their empty head into a brick wall and said "don't worry.....time heals....."

the saying time heals sometimes I wonder if its true and how long it takes to heal after a loss of a loved one.
Just joined today and after 30 years of very happy marriage I lost the one and only one I have ever love four months ago and the void is still there.

I'm very sorry for your loss.....for all of you who have, in fact.

One important thing to note is that there is no "standard" or "normal" way you're "supposed" to go through this. Please don't try to find that out or guess at it as it doesn't really exist. For example, some can move on quicker than others.

That said, I can tell you beyond any reasonable doubt this much is highly likely:

- it is very gradual and therefore takes a long time

- it is a question of degree. You won't ever wake up one day and go "hey I'm past all that grief, I'm...'over it'...!" What an asinine expression. You simply try to work on that pain getting less intense and trying to hang onto that hope of feeling alive again..of even WANTING to feel alive again. blackribbon's backpack analogy was a good one IMO. I've often compared it to having a boulder tied to my back. It will never go away entirely, but as she said, you can "build your muscles" so to speak so it's easier to carry and isn't dragging you down so.

- it will not go at an even pace. Some days (or weeks/months, even years) will be better than others. For some stretches of time you will feel no improvement at all, then you might find yourself having a "breakthrough" of sorts and progressing better than you dared expect. Again that doesn't mean you get "over it"...all a question of degree. Just that there are various hills and dips along the way.

It's very clear you loved him very much and that he also loved you very much.
May I ask, do you think he would want you to live out the rest of your life grieving his loss?

No offense and I know you mean well, but this is a meaningless question. I take it you're not a widow or I doubt you would have posed it. This isn't about "what they would have wanted." Pls don't try to guilt people into feeling less grief. It's not at all helpful. They need to feel whatever it is they feel and not suppress it or think they are wrong in any way for doing so.

People who haven't walked in these shoes can't possible imagine what this feels like...and often give theoretical advice that just doesn't translate to reality.

Bingo. Said it better than I did.

Its not necessary to tell folks who are grieving that they should be over it by now.

It's far worse than not necessary. It's horribly hurtful and grossly ignorant.

Studies like the one you post tell the real truth of what normal is!

Again, on the whole, there really isn't a "normal." It varies for everyone.

 

[FireDragon76]

May the Divine Compassion be with you, always.