- Dec 5, 2017
- 6
- 3
- 29
- Country
- United States
- Faith
- Agnostic
- Marital Status
- Single
- Politics
- US-Libertarian
Hello, my name is John Hamilton, and I'm a twenty-two year old firefighter from Interior Alaska. I was raised as a Baptist when I was a child; my family and I used to go to the First Baptist Church, in Delta Junction, Alaska, but we haven't gone there in years...faith just kind of lost it's importance to my family after what happened to me in Utah when I was twelve. ...I have a lot of hatred, wrath, and pain inside of me. Sometimes I feel like I might die with all the hate in my veins...long story short, I was kidnapped when I was a little kid, and they did things to me that I can't talk about with anyone because it's too graphic and horrific. They kept me hostage for years; there came a point one day where I just didn't care about anything anymore; I became numb, and empty, and just went somewhere else in my head for a while. Day in, day out, the torture and abuse continued. ...I think they liked what they were turning me into; it like...fascinated them, or something. To see a child become so broken inside that nothing matters to him anymore, nothing phases him anymore, and he doesn't feel anything at all anymore. I finally escaped when I was about seventeen years old.
Coming home felt like coming home for the very first time. I was surprised to find that I didn't actually know exactly where our house was located; as a little kid I never really had to worry about my address or getting home by myself. I knew the general landmarks and area though. ...Felt really surreal walking up my family's driveway again for the first time. It was winter at the time; the forest trees covered in snow on either side of the path turned our driveway into a tunnel of sorts; it was even more beautiful in the summer when the leaves were in full bloom.
There weren't any tracks in the snow aside from my own; everything was clean, pure and pristine. So much in contrast to what my soul had turned into, my footprints looking so alone behind me. I could hardly believe my eyes when I finally reached our house and saw it again for the first time in years. All these years "home" had just become a fairy-tale place for me; a fantasy that gave me hope some nights.
For some reason though I was nervous about seeing them again; just a little. Would they even recognize me anymore? I didn't ponder it for long; didn't even lose a step moving to the front door, reaching my hand out to knock on the hard wood, as if I were merely a visitor, and needed to be invited inside my own home. Nothing. Knocked again. It was late; maybe they were asleep. Knocked again. I heard noises inside then; someone stumbling out of bed, the floorboards creaking as they approached to answer the door. It was my father. He looked tired. He had gray hairs on his head now. I'd grown over a foot. At first I don't think he quite recognized me, but only for a split second. "Hi dad." I said, just in case he needed me to confirm it. His jaw was hanging open, closing, opening, closing, and dropping again. ...It kinda scared me; I thought maybe he was having some kind of an episode haha; didn't want him to have a heart attack. That'd be a pretty crappy reunion lol. XD
He regained his composure though, and hurried me inside, and hugged me tight; we've never hugged each other so tight and so long before in my life. Mom came out a few moments later. Her reaction was about the same; although she didn't seem quite as surprised; she seemed to always knew that one day I would return.
I didn't say anything; just ran to her to embrace her in a big hug as well. ....She kinda freaked out later when I got out of the shower; seeing my body covered in scars from head to toe, blazing white against my reddish skin (I took a boiling hot shower; a habit that probably started around then...I kinda like pain now...makes me feel..."in the moment".)
...It wasn't until the next day though that things started to really sink in for me. ...Everything was different now. Everything in our house seemed so much smaller to me now; fragile and delicate. I could almost press my entire hand against the ceiling, whereas the last time I had been in this house I could never hope to reach the ceiling, not even if I jumped as high as my little body could.
...My room wasn't much different. My parents couldn't bring themselves to clean it all out. Still looked like a a little boy's room, with stuffed animals and action figures and other toys and games. ...Felt kind of out of place there; I remember having so much fun playing in there...but I didn't know how to play with toys anymore; I don't know how to pretend or make-believe anymore.
The town itself had changed quite a bit as well; business had picked up on the missile defense base, bringing in a bunch of new people, boosting the population by hundreds if not thousands...it used to be a little town where everyone knew everyone else. Now there were a bunch of new buildings and houses and families and everything was different....kinda started sinking in then; the awful truth behind the words "You can never go home again." I'm a total stranger to my former family and friends now. Some of them can tell; saying "You've changed..." with mixed-emotions; like they can't tell what has changed, and for better or for worse, just that something's very different about me now.
Some of the adults knew my story; knew that I'd been kidnapped as a little boy. They always look at me with sad faces now, yet happy to see that I was still alive. ...My old friends? They thought it was so cool, lol; like I'd just come back from the dead or something. ...None of their parents ever told them the truth about why I had disappeared all of a sudden, because little kids should never have to be told crap like that about one of their best friends; that he was taken by monsters and twisted into something inhuman, cold, and heartless. ...But that didn't keep them from talking; none of them ever stopped talking about the little boy who disappeared. ...I'd become a ghost story; one with many different versions; rumors abounded.
The former middle-school school children I used to be friends with were now in high school. I tried high school for a little while too...like a week, lmao...I couldn't take it. Got into fights a lot. It freaked me out being around so many people. Lots of loud noises; freaked me out too. So I dropped out. Got hooked on drugs and alcohol to numb the pain, but mostly because I felt like that's just what teenagers were supposed to do lol; my attempt at trying to be normal again, and just....fit in. Surprised the crap out of my parents; the last time they'd seen me I was a totally straight and narrow little kid; huge Jesus freak back then too; I used to love God....but I haven't in a very long time. I don't know if there even is a God to be honest, but in recent times...there are days when I Believe....and others when I've lost all faith. Today is not one of those days though. Today...I want to believe. Maybe it's just because I finished watching an extremely powerful movie entitled "The Shack".....it really spoke to me haha; particularly in regards to my desires for vengeance.
....Anyway....I'm sorry; I kinda got stuck rambling on there for a while.
--John
Coming home felt like coming home for the very first time. I was surprised to find that I didn't actually know exactly where our house was located; as a little kid I never really had to worry about my address or getting home by myself. I knew the general landmarks and area though. ...Felt really surreal walking up my family's driveway again for the first time. It was winter at the time; the forest trees covered in snow on either side of the path turned our driveway into a tunnel of sorts; it was even more beautiful in the summer when the leaves were in full bloom.
There weren't any tracks in the snow aside from my own; everything was clean, pure and pristine. So much in contrast to what my soul had turned into, my footprints looking so alone behind me. I could hardly believe my eyes when I finally reached our house and saw it again for the first time in years. All these years "home" had just become a fairy-tale place for me; a fantasy that gave me hope some nights.
For some reason though I was nervous about seeing them again; just a little. Would they even recognize me anymore? I didn't ponder it for long; didn't even lose a step moving to the front door, reaching my hand out to knock on the hard wood, as if I were merely a visitor, and needed to be invited inside my own home. Nothing. Knocked again. It was late; maybe they were asleep. Knocked again. I heard noises inside then; someone stumbling out of bed, the floorboards creaking as they approached to answer the door. It was my father. He looked tired. He had gray hairs on his head now. I'd grown over a foot. At first I don't think he quite recognized me, but only for a split second. "Hi dad." I said, just in case he needed me to confirm it. His jaw was hanging open, closing, opening, closing, and dropping again. ...It kinda scared me; I thought maybe he was having some kind of an episode haha; didn't want him to have a heart attack. That'd be a pretty crappy reunion lol. XD
He regained his composure though, and hurried me inside, and hugged me tight; we've never hugged each other so tight and so long before in my life. Mom came out a few moments later. Her reaction was about the same; although she didn't seem quite as surprised; she seemed to always knew that one day I would return.
I didn't say anything; just ran to her to embrace her in a big hug as well. ....She kinda freaked out later when I got out of the shower; seeing my body covered in scars from head to toe, blazing white against my reddish skin (I took a boiling hot shower; a habit that probably started around then...I kinda like pain now...makes me feel..."in the moment".)
...It wasn't until the next day though that things started to really sink in for me. ...Everything was different now. Everything in our house seemed so much smaller to me now; fragile and delicate. I could almost press my entire hand against the ceiling, whereas the last time I had been in this house I could never hope to reach the ceiling, not even if I jumped as high as my little body could.
...My room wasn't much different. My parents couldn't bring themselves to clean it all out. Still looked like a a little boy's room, with stuffed animals and action figures and other toys and games. ...Felt kind of out of place there; I remember having so much fun playing in there...but I didn't know how to play with toys anymore; I don't know how to pretend or make-believe anymore.
The town itself had changed quite a bit as well; business had picked up on the missile defense base, bringing in a bunch of new people, boosting the population by hundreds if not thousands...it used to be a little town where everyone knew everyone else. Now there were a bunch of new buildings and houses and families and everything was different....kinda started sinking in then; the awful truth behind the words "You can never go home again." I'm a total stranger to my former family and friends now. Some of them can tell; saying "You've changed..." with mixed-emotions; like they can't tell what has changed, and for better or for worse, just that something's very different about me now.
Some of the adults knew my story; knew that I'd been kidnapped as a little boy. They always look at me with sad faces now, yet happy to see that I was still alive. ...My old friends? They thought it was so cool, lol; like I'd just come back from the dead or something. ...None of their parents ever told them the truth about why I had disappeared all of a sudden, because little kids should never have to be told crap like that about one of their best friends; that he was taken by monsters and twisted into something inhuman, cold, and heartless. ...But that didn't keep them from talking; none of them ever stopped talking about the little boy who disappeared. ...I'd become a ghost story; one with many different versions; rumors abounded.
The former middle-school school children I used to be friends with were now in high school. I tried high school for a little while too...like a week, lmao...I couldn't take it. Got into fights a lot. It freaked me out being around so many people. Lots of loud noises; freaked me out too. So I dropped out. Got hooked on drugs and alcohol to numb the pain, but mostly because I felt like that's just what teenagers were supposed to do lol; my attempt at trying to be normal again, and just....fit in. Surprised the crap out of my parents; the last time they'd seen me I was a totally straight and narrow little kid; huge Jesus freak back then too; I used to love God....but I haven't in a very long time. I don't know if there even is a God to be honest, but in recent times...there are days when I Believe....and others when I've lost all faith. Today is not one of those days though. Today...I want to believe. Maybe it's just because I finished watching an extremely powerful movie entitled "The Shack".....it really spoke to me haha; particularly in regards to my desires for vengeance.
....Anyway....I'm sorry; I kinda got stuck rambling on there for a while.
--John
