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Lost...and Formerly Alone

Discussion in 'Introduce Yourself' started by John Hamilton, Dec 5, 2017.

  1. John Hamilton

    John Hamilton New Member

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    Hello, my name is John Hamilton, and I'm a twenty-two year old firefighter from Interior Alaska. I was raised as a Baptist when I was a child; my family and I used to go to the First Baptist Church, in Delta Junction, Alaska, but we haven't gone there in years...faith just kind of lost it's importance to my family after what happened to me in Utah when I was twelve. ...I have a lot of hatred, wrath, and pain inside of me. Sometimes I feel like I might die with all the hate in my veins...long story short, I was kidnapped when I was a little kid, and they did things to me that I can't talk about with anyone because it's too graphic and horrific. They kept me hostage for years; there came a point one day where I just didn't care about anything anymore; I became numb, and empty, and just went somewhere else in my head for a while. Day in, day out, the torture and abuse continued. ...I think they liked what they were turning me into; it like...fascinated them, or something. To see a child become so broken inside that nothing matters to him anymore, nothing phases him anymore, and he doesn't feel anything at all anymore. I finally escaped when I was about seventeen years old.

    Coming home felt like coming home for the very first time. I was surprised to find that I didn't actually know exactly where our house was located; as a little kid I never really had to worry about my address or getting home by myself. I knew the general landmarks and area though. ...Felt really surreal walking up my family's driveway again for the first time. It was winter at the time; the forest trees covered in snow on either side of the path turned our driveway into a tunnel of sorts; it was even more beautiful in the summer when the leaves were in full bloom.

    There weren't any tracks in the snow aside from my own; everything was clean, pure and pristine. So much in contrast to what my soul had turned into, my footprints looking so alone behind me. I could hardly believe my eyes when I finally reached our house and saw it again for the first time in years. All these years "home" had just become a fairy-tale place for me; a fantasy that gave me hope some nights.

    For some reason though I was nervous about seeing them again; just a little. Would they even recognize me anymore? I didn't ponder it for long; didn't even lose a step moving to the front door, reaching my hand out to knock on the hard wood, as if I were merely a visitor, and needed to be invited inside my own home. Nothing. Knocked again. It was late; maybe they were asleep. Knocked again. I heard noises inside then; someone stumbling out of bed, the floorboards creaking as they approached to answer the door. It was my father. He looked tired. He had gray hairs on his head now. I'd grown over a foot. At first I don't think he quite recognized me, but only for a split second. "Hi dad." I said, just in case he needed me to confirm it. His jaw was hanging open, closing, opening, closing, and dropping again. ...It kinda scared me; I thought maybe he was having some kind of an episode haha; didn't want him to have a heart attack. That'd be a pretty crappy reunion lol. XD

    He regained his composure though, and hurried me inside, and hugged me tight; we've never hugged each other so tight and so long before in my life. Mom came out a few moments later. Her reaction was about the same; although she didn't seem quite as surprised; she seemed to always knew that one day I would return.

    I didn't say anything; just ran to her to embrace her in a big hug as well. ....She kinda freaked out later when I got out of the shower; seeing my body covered in scars from head to toe, blazing white against my reddish skin (I took a boiling hot shower; a habit that probably started around then...I kinda like pain now...makes me feel..."in the moment".)

    ...It wasn't until the next day though that things started to really sink in for me. ...Everything was different now. Everything in our house seemed so much smaller to me now; fragile and delicate. I could almost press my entire hand against the ceiling, whereas the last time I had been in this house I could never hope to reach the ceiling, not even if I jumped as high as my little body could.

    ...My room wasn't much different. My parents couldn't bring themselves to clean it all out. Still looked like a a little boy's room, with stuffed animals and action figures and other toys and games. ...Felt kind of out of place there; I remember having so much fun playing in there...but I didn't know how to play with toys anymore; I don't know how to pretend or make-believe anymore.

    The town itself had changed quite a bit as well; business had picked up on the missile defense base, bringing in a bunch of new people, boosting the population by hundreds if not thousands...it used to be a little town where everyone knew everyone else. Now there were a bunch of new buildings and houses and families and everything was different....kinda started sinking in then; the awful truth behind the words "You can never go home again." I'm a total stranger to my former family and friends now. Some of them can tell; saying "You've changed..." with mixed-emotions; like they can't tell what has changed, and for better or for worse, just that something's very different about me now.

    Some of the adults knew my story; knew that I'd been kidnapped as a little boy. They always look at me with sad faces now, yet happy to see that I was still alive. ...My old friends? They thought it was so cool, lol; like I'd just come back from the dead or something. ...None of their parents ever told them the truth about why I had disappeared all of a sudden, because little kids should never have to be told crap like that about one of their best friends; that he was taken by monsters and twisted into something inhuman, cold, and heartless. ...But that didn't keep them from talking; none of them ever stopped talking about the little boy who disappeared. ...I'd become a ghost story; one with many different versions; rumors abounded.


    The former middle-school school children I used to be friends with were now in high school. I tried high school for a little while too...like a week, lmao...I couldn't take it. Got into fights a lot. It freaked me out being around so many people. Lots of loud noises; freaked me out too. So I dropped out. Got hooked on drugs and alcohol to numb the pain, but mostly because I felt like that's just what teenagers were supposed to do lol; my attempt at trying to be normal again, and just....fit in. Surprised the crap out of my parents; the last time they'd seen me I was a totally straight and narrow little kid; huge Jesus freak back then too; I used to love God....but I haven't in a very long time. I don't know if there even is a God to be honest, but in recent times...there are days when I Believe....and others when I've lost all faith. Today is not one of those days though. Today...I want to believe. Maybe it's just because I finished watching an extremely powerful movie entitled "The Shack".....it really spoke to me haha; particularly in regards to my desires for vengeance.

    ....Anyway....I'm sorry; I kinda got stuck rambling on there for a while.



    --John
     
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  2. joshcorn

    joshcorn Member

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    WELCOME.SORRY TO HEAR WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU.IT IS GOOD THAT YOU ARE COMING BACK TO FAITH IN JESUS.THE BEST THING TO DO NO MATTER WHAT ONE HAVE GONE THROUGH GOOD AND BAD IS TO AS JESUS TO BE THE LORD OF YOUR LIFE. LEARN TO HEAR HIS LOVING VOICE AND PEACE FULL ATMOSPHERE HE BRINGS . HE CAN RECOVER ALL YOU HAVE LOST AND GIVE YOU MORE.
     
    Last edited: Dec 5, 2017
  3. John Hamilton

    John Hamilton New Member

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    I don't see Jesus/God as the Lord of my life; I see him as more of a dad figure. I don't think he wants me to be a slave to Him; I think He wants me to be His friend; His family. I think I can hear Him/feel Him.

    No need to apologize for what happened....it wasn't anybody's fault....maybe not even theirs.

    Thank you for the warm welcome; you may want to consider not typing in all-caps; it's a bit jarring and hard to follow.


    --John
     
  4. joshcorn

    joshcorn Member

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    Making Him Lord of your life does not mean a slave to Him..He has been my best friend for thirty five years.
     
  5. John Hamilton

    John Hamilton New Member

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    I just don't like the word "Lord". It sounds too cheesy to me, and sounds like something a subject would call their king lol. God isn't my king; God is my Father.
     
  6. Sojourner1

    Sojourner1 CF Advisory Team, Policy Manager Staff Member Site Advisor Supporter

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    Welcome to CF John. Very happy to have you here :)
     
  7. John Hamilton

    John Hamilton New Member

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    Thank you very much. :)
     
  8. Endeavourer

    Endeavourer Well-Known Member

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    I'm so sorry about what happened to you.

    Please don't allow the tragedy of your past to rob your future.

    I don't have experience or well informed advice for you as this hasn't been the type of cross I've had to carry, but there is a brother out there somewhere who has. I pray the two of you cross paths and that you learn how to heal.

    May the devils who kidnapped you face all of their just rewards, asap.

    Many thoughts, prayers and wishes for your future success, and for your emotional healing. I pray your family can consistently minister love to your hurting heart.

    With Love and Hugs,
    E.
     
  9. John Hamilton

    John Hamilton New Member

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    Thanks; it's okay.....stuff happens to everyone. I don't blame them anymore, even though sometimes I may want to. They were sick; victims of disease, sin, and the Evil One; the real devils reside in Hell; it's them that are really to blame; none of God's Children. "God saw every thing that He had made, and, behold, it was very good." ...So are God's Children; all human beings are GOOD on the inside, even if Satan manages to entice them into sinning. ...It's not their fault.

    ...I hope God can enlighten the ones who took me one day....heal them. "Forgive them, for they know not what they do."
     
  10. John Hamilton

    John Hamilton New Member

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    ...That's still hard to say...I'm hoping it will become easier to forgive, with time.
     
  11. Purity Clarity Parkes

    Purity Clarity Parkes Member

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    I have had some traumatic experience which I cannot remember because I have Multiple Personality Disorder.
    I hope I can help you overcome your problems just like how I helped my other personalities. God blessed me with an ability to assist others in times of trouble. You can trust me to help you whenever you need assistance. God will heal your broken soul. He will also fix every part of your broken soul like how He fixed mine. God will take care of you, I promise.
    Yours Sincerely~
    Purity Clarity Parkes.
     
  12. SeraTaru

    SeraTaru Member

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    Welcome John!

    Great to read your story if it can be called great - but you know what I mean - takes courage to share things like that.

    You know the thing that strikes me is that you do have a heart that wants to follow God and believe, and then sometimes you don't. Sounds quite like me.

    Think about this - the guys you work with probably don't ever think things like that do they? Want to know why? Because they haven't been born again. Once that happens John then it's like God puts his "spiritual dna" stamp into your soul and that can never change.

    So hold on to this - regardless of how you feel at times, you do have your "Heavenly Dad's" mark upon you...you belong to Him, and regardless of what happens or how dark or angry or lost you can feel that doesn't change.

    Think about the years you didn't see your real dad....you didn't suddenly "not become" one of his children.

    The verse says "In Him we live and move and have our being". He can deal with all the things you need to be healed from and He will in His own good time. Posting here has been a step of victory and freedom just in itself.

    Have a wonderful, safe and blessed day and it's great for you to be here.

    ~David
     
  13. Little Lantern

    Little Lantern Be encouraged! Christ has overcome the world! Supporter

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    Greetings, and welcome to CF, John. I am so glad you found your way here. I hope you find lots of godly encouragement, good fellowship, and engaging discussion on the forums.

    Your story was difficult to read but very engaging-- Do I detect some hints of a budding writer in you? If so, you could create a personal blog here (after you have posted 20 times, I believe).

    Also, If you'd like some prayer support, you can create a thread on the Prayer Wall in the "Prayer and Encouragement" section.

    God bless you, John.
     
  14. ElizaR123

    ElizaR123 New Member

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    You seem like a fascinating person, and you’re writing skills are impeccable. The way you told your story was of book quality. Have you always liked writing? I’m here if you need someone who won’t look at you in that sad way that mostly everyone does. I’m not gonna look at your past, I’m just gonna look at you now, and I’ll gladly listen and talk to you about God and having that relationship with Him. Inbox me ;) My name is Eliza by the way.
     
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