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Losing friend after kids and marriage?

Discussion in 'Young Adults' started by BenevolentB, Jun 11, 2011.

  1. BenevolentB

    BenevolentB Newbie

    I'm just curious if any other single young adults have exerienced this.

    My best friend and I have been friends for 15 years and we're both 27 years of age now. I've been there through everything between breakups, makes ups, family issues and I stood as Maid of Honor at her wedding.

    I realized that when she got married that things would change, understandably, and that we wouldn't see each other as much. I would still occasionally be invited over and get phone calls. Fast forward...my best friend becomes pregnant with her first child and I was ecstatic!

    I called on occasion to see how she was doing because she had a difficult pregnancy and I was at the hospital when their daughter was born. I was invited to the baby shower that they chose to have after she was born because the difficult pregnancy kept her bed ridden a lot.

    However, it seems like immediately after the baby shower my best friend stopped all communication with me. At first I shrugged it off as being busy with the baby because I did receive a thank you card for the baby gift but now it is as if I'm completely shut out. She won't answer my calls, return my calls or even respond when I send a simple "Hey" on facebook chat yet she posts to others. Nothing happened between us that I know of...

    Has anyone ever had their married friends do this after having kids?
  2. Sister of Faith

    Sister of Faith {Guide us to the straight path[1:6]}

    We are still in contact from time to time.
    Few calls but when Eids come we call each other or send SMS.
    Chating not like before because I don't want to bother them!
  3. citizenthom

    citizenthom I'm not sayin'. I'm just sayin'.

    Marriage is a full-time job. Kids are a full-time job. Having both is like three full-time jobs. Do not take it personally that your friend does not have time for you. God first, husband second, kids second-B, church third, self fourth, extended family fifth, does not leave much time or energy for "just friends."
  4. Luther073082

    Luther073082 κύριε ἐλέησον χριστὲ ἐλέησον

    Yeah marriage brings a lot to deal with and leaves a lot less time for your friends.

    It also becomes more difficult to relate to single friends because literally everything in your life changes and you seemingly live in an entirely different world then when you where single or even dating.

    Doesn't mean you shouldn't stay in contact with her, but you should just know that friendships are harder to maintain when you are married.
  5. Annie Mouse

    Annie Mouse Newbie

    Sorry to hear that happened to you with such a good friend.

    I had a friend who, for some reason, no longer wanted much contact with me after she got married. This was several years ago, and she didn't even have kids at the time. It puzzled me. I did what I typically did in those days - I continued trying to keep the friendship going for a while, but eventually, not wanting to force things (a friendship can't be one-sided forever) I backed off too.
  6. Xenocide

    Xenocide Active Member

    basically she's next-level living, and you're running out of time
  7. BenevolentB

    BenevolentB Newbie

    What exactly do you mean by "running out of time" if you don't mind my asking?
  8. Thunder Peel

    Thunder Peel You don't eat a peacock until it's cooked.

    I've lost friends right after they got married. Unfortunately married people have the idea that single people are beneath them and will usually cut off contact with anyone not married. I've lost some pretty great friends that way and all you can do is wish them the best and move on.
  9. darktipper

    darktipper Outside I look bad but inside is like candy :)

    That is how it goes...... Remember friends is last on the totem pole of priorities......
  10. KrazyPhish

    KrazyPhish Dead in the water...

    In Relationship
    Yep. The married club is an exclusive club that you and I are not apart of.

    I realise marriage brings all sorts of new responsibilities, friends aren't necessarily high on the list of priorities, etc.

    My married friends are still the same people they were (and none of them have kids yet), we still have the same likes and interests, just now me and all the other non-married people get excluded when they get together as group. Apparently they have this new found maturity and I just 'don't get it'
  11. Beccafly

    Beccafly Newbie

    I have several friends getting married this summer and fall and it kind of worries me how our friendship will change. Even in college I noticed 'couple' outings more than mixed groups. Krazyphish put it well "An exclusive club". Not everyone is like this, but a lot are sadly. I do have a friend with an older baby who has mastered the balancing act, but I think the age of their children has something to do with it.
  12. NiobiumTragedy

    NiobiumTragedy Glorious Tragedy

    It's part of life. Some couples can actively have a working relationship with a single person, but the reality is that it works better in pairs. More often than not, the friend is usually friends with one or the other, but not both, and it can be awkward for the two who don't know each other at first if they are of an introverted personality.
  13. RedheadedPrincess

    RedheadedPrincess Senior Member

    I have had some success at staying friends with my married friends mainly because starting in high school I made it a policy to always befriend whoever my friends dated and to only object to their choices if there was a good reason like abuse, etc. For this reason when it came time for them to marry I was usually just as good friends with both of them so I they did not think it odd for me to be a part of their lives.

    I have also found that I have to be more creative with what we do. Hanging out might involve a trip to the grocery store with baby in tow instead of going to the movies. I know their time is precious and all I want to do is stay connected so I try to do things they are already doing anyway. Or it could mean going to their house and spending a few hours cleaning with them...I hate cleaning but if it means seeing my friend and getting to talk to them then I will gladly do it.

    Some of my friends I have lost due to marriage and kids but most of these casualities weren't friends I was extremely close to. I can relate though to my married friends at least until the kids part comes in because I have been there once before. So my girl pals feel comfortable talking to me about marriage stuff and its not awkward.
  14. ImperialPhantom

    ImperialPhantom Guest

    As "that married guy", it's just easier, plus we relate to each other in many different ways than we do the single folks. Our priorities change (ESPECIALLY when a kid enters the picture), and we become friends as couples.

    Most of my old friends I no longer talk to very often, but that's as much the fault of where I'm living now (I'm originally from California) as it is being a married guy with a kid.
  15. Dawn Marie

    Dawn Marie Soda for Wine

    Give it time, keep trying to Facebook, tell her you miss her, I don't know. Ending a good friendship for no reason is selfish, whether the person is married or not. It's hurtful and there really isn't an excuse for her to ignore you and continue to talk to others publicly on Facebook. If she has time to FB she has time to say hi. Something sounds odd there.

    Good luck... I feel for you.
  16. mrphan

    mrphan Newbie

    In Relationship
    God will strengthen you! :)\