I would not recommend it. I know you want to get back to CA but at the same time, you must prioritize. I’ll be honest, I do not understand how a move to CA would cost 10,000. You are still a newlywed. At some point you are going to have to operate as a family. Maybe consider a a loan the smartest way you can go about it. You cannot keep separating and leave your wife and newborn son for long periods of time without your influence. You’ll solve one problem and gain several more problems. Just consider your options and act wisely. If it takes a low interest loan, so be it. But eventually you as a family need to be on the same page and have a common goal and work together and stay together. I think you have done a lot of sacrificing but it’s time you both work as a team. Pray about it. Talk to a priest, your family, etc. This is obviously not a healthy situation for everyone involved. You know I’m your #1 fan but I feel it’s time to work as a team and above all, stay together as a family. That way her side of the family will have no choice but to meld as an extended family and that definitely needs to be done as soon as possible.
I’m praying for all of you! *hugs*
Thanks for your insights, Michie. I always value them. Fortunately I think I'm in a good enough place with her kids and we're all gelling well enough now that it wouldn't be as harmful as it might've been six months ago if we follow through with this plan. Plus it's not a foreign concept to her family. For example, her mom came to the US 10 years before she was able to bring her son, and other family members have done the same. I'm basically proposing an interstate form of chain migration, which we heard so much about during the Trump years, lol.
My wife actually likes this plan because I'm basically scouting ahead to establish things before the move and then after the kids graduate they'll all join me.
I heard back from my boss yesterday and he gave me the green light to work from CA, so barring some intervention from anyone above him then we're pretty much good to go here. Interestingly enough, not long after I got word from my boss I got an email for a second job interview. So it kind of feels like the same way things opened up in 2020 to move back east, they may be opening up again to move home. We'll see though!
Well, there are other things you have to consider.
It looks like your in-laws are your wife's support system in helping out taking care of the baby. If that is removed, who will take over the reins? You might be closer to your family, but she'll be far away from the people who are helping her right now. That will be an encumbrance for her.
Caution, this is going to sound bad, but when you were not on your Lenten CF fast, how much were you helping out taking care of your child? I know it may be fun to post long, thoughtful posts/comments here, but where was your wife and child when you were doing this? Does she not rather need your help?
If you want to go back to CA, you need to be prepared to add more of your own input in helping out your child (money aside), because she can't do it alone. If her in-laws are helping out already, and daycare is not an option (I wouldn't like it either, I'm too old-fashioned), then what would be your plan?
How able-bodied is your family? Could they come to NY and visit periodically? It looks like something's gotta give, because the current situation isn't sustainable in the long-term.
They were to an extent, she appreciated their help when he was brand new but she's kind of tired of it now. Her mom's been in Ecuador for the past couple of weeks and won't be back for another month. She spends maybe 1/3 of the year in Ecuador. And her dad is due to go back to work here this month so they won't be helping out as much anyway. I know my wife hasn't wanted to stay here longterm, it was just a solution to a sticky situation we were in last summer.
I do just as much as my wife does. I feed him, change him, burp him, rock him to sleep, calm him down when he's upset, take him to doctors appointments, play with him, read to him, talk to him, etc. There's rarely a time when I actually say "I can't right now" to my wife, even when I'm working I can usually find a way to do something and when I'm not working I spend my time with my family. If I'm posting on here my wife and the kids are usually asleep, or out of the house. I'm mindful of wasting time with them by being online.
I already do plenty to help out in raising the kid, the only reason I don't do more is because her parents often swoop in ahead of me. If the baby cries my father-in-law races down the stairs to pick him up before I have a chance. I didn't mind at first but honestly I'm starting to feel kind of displaced, but I've let it go thus far because I know we're not going to be there forever so I want to give my father-in-law as much time with his grandson as possible. But it'll be good for our family dynamics to be off on our own again.
My parents are able-bodied but they don't travel well. My mom has debilitating rheumatoid arthritis and my dad's nearly deaf even with hearing aids. I'm afraid he would get into trouble traveling by air because he can't hear instructions and would get upset and confused. JFK and LaGuardia are confusing and stressful enough for a middle-aged guy like me, it would be a disaster for them. Plus living with my in-laws in NY there's no room for my parents to come and just sit around and visit. If they came here we'd either have to uncomfortably cram into a hotel room or constantly be out doing things to actually spend time together. It's just a bad plan all around.
And most importantly: I've been praying about returning to California for a long time, and at my wife's request I prayed on staying in NY with an open heart. However, what God kept putting on my heart was that going to California would be good for her and the kids. It would be good because they would build better habits and stop bad ones. My family would be healthier for them, they're kinder to each other, they're helpful, they're good moral examples. My wife has said she doesn't want her kids around some of her family.
Besides, her parents are likely retiring to Ecuador here soon anyway so of all the people in her family, the two best will be out of the picture in a while anyway.
It is complicated but is it fair for his wife to be "dragged" away from her family as well?
I don't mean to sound arrogant but why aren't these kinds of issues thought about prior to marriage?
She's not being "dragged", she wants to move away. She's always told me how she didn't want to stay here in her hometown longterm because there are bad memories on every corner. She's also always liked the idea of California so there's no downside here.
HI, everyone has given such great answers, there is really nothing I can add, but I will say this, why, why, why would you even want to consider California, it is the most immoral, expensive states in America. There are so many wholesome states that are actually very affordable, I would sit with your wife and discuss other options. Do internet searches of states, one I highly recommend is Texas, also parts of Kentucky, and Tennessee, also Arkansas. Thanks to the internet, there are so many ways to study different places in order to make an informed decision that is best for your wife, baby and yourself. I can sort of speak from experience because I have lived all over the USA, it is a wonderful country, I am sure with the help of the Lord and doing your "homework" with your wife, you will be able to come up with a suitable place satisfying to all of you. It may take time, you may have to wait, but in the end it will be worth it.
God bless you.
I want to go back because California is home, and has been for 36 years. My family's history goes back five generations in California, my ancestors arrived there in 1852 and have been there ever since.
I think most people outside of California just see the corrupted government, but they don't realize that being such a geographically big state there are parts of it where you don't feel the government's touch nearly at all. The part of the state where I live is like that. On top of that I tend to compartmentalize, I cut out the immoral government and just focus on the aspects of the state that I enjoy: the weather, the food, the natural environment, the recreation, etc.
If I've learned in anything in my two years away it's that I really don't like anywhere east of the continental divide. The southern states are like the inverse of California in that they're governed correctly but I don't like anything else about them. I think I inherited my pioneer ancestor's appetite for the west.
Thank you for your concern, but she's excited just as much as me about this. Ever since my boss gave word that I can go she's been more excited and reassuring about the plan.
It is complicated but is it fair for his wife to be "dragged" away from her family as well?
I don't mean to sound arrogant but why aren't these kinds of issues thought about prior to marriage?
Yep, she's always known that we'd end up in California. She's known since the beginning that I've always desired to raise my children where I grew up because I had a great childhood and she's happily on board with that.
Hope it's okay that I weigh in ... cuz that^ was my thought also.
Something I haven't heard mentioned yet is this:
We are living in very troubling times. It is not at all impossible that we in the U.S. could find ourselves again someday, maybe even in the
not-so-distant future, facing another national emergency ... maybe another pandemic, an EMP attack, climate lockdowns, martial law, WWIII, etc.
It costs money to travel cross country, especially when done on short notice.
And also, there may come a time or times when it just won't be possible, or allowable, to travel ...
"Would this new little family want to be separated, and unable to re-connect with each other, during such times?"
In the end, "we do what we gotta do".
But I think it could be very difficult, for loved ones to be separated during a time of national emergency ...
Yeah I'm always keeping one eye on those situations. If we were to be stuck it'd be better to be stuck with my family on my turf than the other way around. Long Island is a turkey shoot, no way off except a ferry or the bridges connecting to NYC. If there's an emergency we're outta luck. I'd rather confront a national emergency in the familiarity of my own backyard of the Sierra Nevada foothills.
