Looking for answers

[gracealone]

Hi. I have a very wonderful and precious daughter who has always been a blessing in my life and in the lives of so many other people. She is married and has three children. But when she was a child she struggled in school, not just academically but also socially. She talked like a grownup by the age of 18 months and is extremely intelligent. She can and will beat all of us in any game or puzzle. She has a good sense of humor and really does have a tender and generous heart toward others. She has been diagnosed with ADD and is on meds. for that as an adult. There are things about her which seem to fit Asperger's but maybe not enough for a diagnosis. I wish we knew. It has been mentioned a couple times by several doctors but then they seem to turn away from the diagnosis. Here are the things that I think fit: If she begins a new hobby she will become completely obsessed with it and engage in it to the point that the amount of time she spends on it is truly unhealthy, like quilting, or sewing, crocheting. She'll turn out things almost like a one person factory and look for excuses to make something for someone so she can continue to spend long hours on her hobby. When she was a kid she'd literally sit for hours in her bedroom fixated on doing a certain thing; like Tetris, Yahtzee, solitaire, or the 75 foot long gum wrapper chain she made. She is completely obsessed with sports to the point where the word "fanatic" really seems to fit. I was always amazed at how she could stay focused on one thing for so long without becoming completely bored with it. As a child when she made a new friend she would talk about that person incessantly to the point where we all got sick of hearing about them. She tends to wear her heart on her sleeve and so often she'll goof up by sharing too much personal information to people she's not really close to. She often seems to lack the ability to feel embarrassed. She also suffers from some Anxiety and OCD tendencies but not so much as I do. I have pretty severe OCD and Panic Disorder. My obsessions cause me severe pain and horrid anxiety, where her obsessions/fixations seem to bring her pleasure. The thing that has concerned me the most is something that's going on with her yet again for which we've never had an answer. She will become obsessed or fixated on a person. She loves her husband and I don't really think this is about wanting to be unfaithful but she cannot seem to stop herself once this ball gets rolling. Over the past few years she's become obsessed with several celebrity figures - the people are always males. She actually is able to get these people writing or emailing her and she would talk about them all the time... even to her husband who really didn't appreciate her fixation on them. Eventually these people would get turned off by her emailing them every day and would tell her to leave them alone which pretty much devastated her emotionally. Which, of course, made her husband feel even more upset. It's as if she just cannot see how overboard she's acting when everyone else is able to see it. Now..., and this is really concerning me, she seems fixated on her son's teacher who is also a male. He is not even an attractive man and doesn't share her world view. She talks about him endlessly and because she's so over involved at the school she sees him all the time and finds "reasons" to email back and forth with him. And... yes.. her husband is not liking this at all. She just says her husband is being paranoid and that she isn't attracted to this individual but once again it's obvious to everyone else that she's obsessed with this person and cannot seem to stop herself from dwelling on him all the time. She is very beautiful and I'm afraid that this person will like the attention she's giving him and maybe want to have an affair with her. (The thought makes me ill.) What is so different from a person who is really seeking to have an extramarital affair is that she doesn't hide her interest in this man from anyone. I've tried in the past to explain to her that this behavior falls well outside the realm of normal and that it doesn't look good to those looking in from the outside but that has never been something that stops the behavior. What stops it is when the person gets sick of her shoving into their life so much. This just breaks my heart for her and I've tried so hard to figure out how to help her so that she won't damage her marriage or her reputation as a Christian. So... does any of this seem like Asperger's to any of you? She's such a precious and gifted person and I don't want her doing things which could in the long run bring so much pain to her life. How can I help her with this? Thank you for any insight or suggestions you might have. Desperate!!

 

[timf]

does any of this seem like Asperger's to any of you?

She may be dealing with a couple of things. I think that in therapy circles the word "comorbidity" is used to describe a person dealing with two things at once.

Your daughter may have some OCD issues associated. You had mentioned your own and I think there has been a genetic link established for this.

There are a number of nutritional supplements that show an ability to decrease unwanted thoughts and compulsive behavior.

Inositol
Lithium Orate
L-Theanine
Mucuna pruriens
GABA
L Tyrosine

One theory is that since our food is grown on huge factory farms and the soil has been depleted for decades, that we are missing more and more micronutrients from our food. This is manifest first with those whose genetics might make them more vulnerable than others to the decrease in these critical substances.

Some people have found some measure of management by experimenting with various supplements to see if anything helps them mange these effect better. You may want to do research and see if your daughter is up for any experiments. If she sees no problem, she may have no interest in following through.

 

[Sabertooth]

While I am all for good nutrition and diet, I can think of no contemporary neuro-psychological deviation (like ADD or ASDs) that shows marked improvement from such. It is as if every snake oil salesman in the world --at least, U.S.A.-- has seized on these to market their "cures."

If a product (like vitamin pills) is generally good for the masses, it will be good for us, too, but it won't address our neuro-deviance, at all, just our bodily health, like with everyone else. It is a false hope.

My only caveat would be those products that deal with various physical discomforts. We on the spectrum can, at times, over-react to sensory stimuli, so anything that minimizes discomfort will, in turn, minimize that over-reaction, but the autism never goes away. (Quite frankly, many of us don't want it to.)

I am a dad (with Aspergers) to children with Aspergers and more severe forms of autism.

 

[gracealone]

Thank you for your response Tim. I understand comorbidity and I do think that many disorders can overlap one another. I guess I was just trying to find out from any of you who have Asperger's if my daughter might fit that diagnosis. Whenever she goes through one of these "fixations" on people it seems that she is unable to see that she's doing any thing out of the ordinary. Everyone else sees it except her. But then when the person she's interested in starts to feel suffocated by the excess attention she's giving them and tells her to back off she's so surprised and even hurt by it. Then after some time goes by, in retrospect she'll admit that her behavior was strange. So yesterday I told her I just want to talk to her a bit about this man and her interest in him especially because her husband is bothered by it. She just says he's being paranoid and that there's no problem... but that's exactly what she said all the other times. She's got such a sweet nature and God has used her in so many ways to reach out to people with His love, but when she does this kind of thing people don't understand and they gossip and it makes me feel just so bad for her because I love her dearly.

She may be dealing with a couple of things. I think that in therapy circles the word "comorbidity" is used to describe a person dealing with two things at once.

Your daughter may have some OCD issues associated. You had mentioned your own and I think there has been a genetic link established for this.

There are a number of nutritional supplements that show an ability to decrease unwanted thoughts and compulsive behavior.

Inositol
Lithium Orate
L-Theanine
Mucuna pruriens
GABA
L Tyrosine

One theory is that since our food is grown on huge factory farms and the soil has been depleted for decades, that we are missing more and more micronutrients from our food. This is manifest first with those whose genetics might make them more vulnerable than others to the decrease in these critical substances.

Some people have found some measure of management by experimenting with various supplements to see if anything helps them mange these effect better. You may want to do research and see if your daughter is up for any experiments. If she sees no problem, she may have no interest in following through.

 

[gracealone]

So Sabertooth, since you clearly understand what Asperger's may look like can I ask you, if you think my daughter might fit into that diagnosis? Should we pursue that with her psychologist? And meanwhile... do you have any suggestions as to how I can effectively counsel her to turn away from this behavior which can be damaging to her relationship with her husband and even her reputation as a Christian. I don't want to hurt her feelings, I just want to protect her. I truly don't think she's seeking to have an affair... I just think she is somehow pleasantly stimulated by these "friendships" and so she goes overboard in her talking about the person and in the frequency of contact with them. It's that "taking on the appearance of evil" thing that worries me because with the past episodes people really were gossiping about her when nothing other than an obsessional interest was at the root of it. Any help or suggestions would be greatly appreciated. Thanks!

While I am all for good nutrition and diet, I can think of no contemporary neuro-psychological deviation (like ADD or ASDs) that shows marked improvement from such. It is as if every snake oil salesman in the world --at least, U.S.A.-- has seized on these to market their "cures."

If a product (like vitamin pills) is generally good for the masses, it will be good for us, too, but it won't address our neuro-deviance, at all, just our bodily health, like with everyone else. It is a false hope.

My only caveat would be those products that deal with various physical discomforts. We on the spectrum can, at times, over-react to sensory stimuli, so anything that minimizes discomfort will, in turn, minimize that over-reaction, but the autism never goes away. (Quite frankly, many of us don't want it to.)

I am a dad (with Aspergers) to children with Aspergers and more severe forms of autism.

 

[Sabertooth]

I am not qualified to say. Your having OCD makes that a high possibility. Aspergers has obsessive traits, too, but usually it stops when we have a sense of closure on the project in question. I couldn't tell from your OP what her father brought to the [gene pool], so that is a consideration.

In my own life, I have been officially diagnosed. And I recognize similar traits in my Aspie children. Some of which have also been officially diagnosed. The two more severe cases of autism are unmistakeable and further reinforce that the rest of us are, indeed, probably on the spectrum.

Aspergers symptoms are available all over the internet, as well as unofficial Aspergers screening tests.* Aspies have similar symptoms to each other, but not the same amounts of each. That is why it is better to get a professional diagnosis.

* Aspie-quiz
Wired 9.12: Take The AQ Test

edit: some researchers consider ADD & OCD to be closely related to the autism spectrum, if it isn't actually on it.

 

[gracealone]

Thanks much Sabertooth, My husband is not OCD but is ADHD and although never diagnosed with anything he struggled with anger issues when he was a younger man. I think some of that was due to his environment growing up. He was able to let go of a lot of pain and bitterness due to his relationship with Christ. Three years of talk therapy has helped with that too so that he's a much happier man now. But he definitely has ADHD as does our daughter. Again, thanks for the input and info.

I am not qualified to say. Your having OCD makes that a high possibility. Aspergers has obsessive traits, too, but usually it stops when we have a sense of closure on the project in question. I couldn't tell from your OP what her father brought to the [gene pool], so that is a consideration.

In my own life, I have been officially diagnosed. And I recognize similar traits in my Aspie children. Some of which have also been officially diagnosed. The two more severe cases of autism are unmistakeable and further reinforce that the rest of us are, indeed, probably on the spectrum.

Aspergers symptoms are available all over the internet, as well as unofficial Aspergers screening tests.* Aspies have similar symptoms to each other, but not the same amounts of each. That is why it is better to get a professional diagnosis.

* Aspie-quiz
Wired 9.12: Take The AQ Test

edit: some researchers consider ADD & OCD to be closely related to the autism spectrum, if it isn't actually on it.

 

[WarriorMom]

Totally unrelated to autism...but one thing I know that helps end relationships that are not ones God would approve...asking God to put enmity between the two parties. A minister told the students that in a week of prayer. Genesis 3:15. A married man was interested in his secretary. If I remember correctly: The pastor prayed that prayer, the wife prayed it...and the man, who had NO interest in ending the relationship "came to the realization" of how his choices were affecting everything in his life and confessed and left the relationship. The secretary, who was also counseled about the situation decided to end it, whether he wanted to or not. (He told us the story, but it is recorded in the book "The ABCs of Prayer" by Glenn Coon--if it is still in print.

I have prayed that prayer for my children and even myself when I was facing a relationship that was not Christ-centered and felt powerless to escape it. God does hear, and He does answer and make a way to escape.

I have begun praying that for your precious daughter.

 

[gracealone]

Thanks for your prayers Warrior. I've prayed that type of thing also when I feel God would disapprove. I'm pretty sure there's no romantic interest here she just gets fixations on people/relationships sometimes. She's done this since she was little.
Thank you for your heartfelt concern. I appreciate it so much.

Totally unrelated to autism...but one thing I know that helps end relationships that are not ones God would approve...asking God to put enmity between the two parties. A minister told the students that in a week of prayer. Genesis 3:15. A married man was interested in his secretary. If I remember correctly: The pastor prayed that prayer, the wife prayed it...and the man, who had NO interest in ending the relationship "came to the realization" of how his choices were affecting everything in his life and confessed and left the relationship. The secretary, who was also counseled about the situation decided to end it, whether he wanted to or not. (He told us the story, but it is recorded in the book "The ABCs of Prayer" by Glenn Coon--if it is still in print.

I have prayed that prayer for my children and even myself when I was facing a relationship that was not Christ-centered and felt powerless to escape it. God does hear, and He does answer and make a way to escape.

I have begun praying that for your precious daughter.