- Nov 11, 2018
- 39
- 28
- 35
- Country
- United States
- Faith
- Christian
- Marital Status
- Separated
I think I have to post this in parts but I hope it may help someone in some way, my life has been painful,strange, and inexplicable. God bless
Where does one even begin such a story? A
Spiritual adventure that has changed my life and characterized
my life forever, I suppose I will start at my first
memory...
When I was a child my parents were
alcoholics, my father freshly out of the army would fight
with my mother often (not physically) in our ghetto
apartment in Philadelphia, gun shots outside were a common
occurrence, and I have several memories from this time in my
life. I was almost two years old at the time still very much
a baby becoming a toddler, my brother is twenty two months
older than me,and here is my first childhood memory. I am at
a small table in the living room next to my brother, a
candle is lit, and my mother is crying and my dad is next to
her, which was impactful and I was concerned for my mother,
she explained to my brother and me, that her and my father
would no longer leave us to go out drinking at night that
they were going to change, she then put us to bed.
Next, I remember my brother waking me
up and beginning to pick me up, it was the middle of the
night and dark, though with enough of a moonlight hue that i
could see what appeared to be an opaque entity, (God) formless,
and yet somehow perceivable, in the room with us. He was
comforting, familiar, all loving i smiled at Him and He smiled back at me, and I knew I had this seen this
entity(God) before. My brother quickly whisked me away, and
took us down the stairs and up again to the apartment next
door ,and he began knocking on the door, a very tired and
concerned woman answered the door, and my brother told her,"
my parents left us again" ,and she took us in where we
waited for my parents car to return, and that's the end of
my first memory.
The thing about this "entity" in the
darkness is that I remember it appearing in another memory,
that prior to last year I thought may have been a dream ,
but last year changed all that the most magical beautiful
experiences happened to me, and at the risk of sounding
crazy here goes.
I remember, standing in front of the
world on the moon (as if the globe was in perspective)
standing next to God formless,that very loving and
kind. He was presenting a choice and that choice was to live
a human life, the choice
was solely mine to make, but God was calling giving a mission, and I watched the life that I would
live every moment played before me, and it was to be a sad
and painful life which God was understanding and kind. I choose to come here sometimes in my depression I
still wonder why.
The rest of my childhood was pretty
rocky, in church I was afflicted I would hear in my ear
"you're judas Iscariot " and I would feel disgusted with
myself. I would pray to God and have sexual thoughts and I
felt ashamed, dolls would come to life in my room and they
were evil, and I would see spirits that would scare me and
all that while I began to be sexually abused by a friend and
his family both my sister and I ,despite my many afflictions
I still kept the faith and preached God and His love to
others.
By the time i was 14 years old i was a
extremely rebellious teenager, I pretty much did anything i
wanted when ever i wanted. I was the class clown and the the
leader of resistance,a loner and misunderstood, little did i
know how real that would become for me.
I went to truancy court and a judge
promised my parents that a program in Montana called "spring
creek lodge" would guarantee my ascent into normality, and
by a stroke of fate or my parents jadedness , i found my
self exiled in what i can only describe as a modern day
concentration camp for children in the good old U.S.A.
Upon my arrival, everything was normal
my father dropped me off and it looked like a cabin in the
woods, with children who were very respectful and dressed in
formal dress. When he left, that is when the fun began. The
first day i was there i was beaten i was in the lunch hall
and i was talking to another person who had just arrived
they separated us into "family's" and because i was talking
and a "level one"- which basically meant you had to be
broken still) I was drug out unable to eat and beaten by
four staff members. I fought back but to little avail, but
at that moment i realized just what I had got myself into
and knew I had to get away.
The first six months they did not allow
us to write or receive letters from our parents, they used
this as a tactic to break us and so that we could not
communicate what was really going on, they psychically and
psychologically abused us everyday. A few days in i realized
they were using children who they had broke as shills, to
infiltrate any resistance among the newer ones, they
gathered us in a group and told us that if any of us ran
they would send these kids who had been there for years to
chase us down with rocks,and they did; there was an incident
of a runner they sent these children after him and beat him
bloody and dragged him back.
I would not stand for this, i would not
break! under any circumstance, not only did I wish to get
away i wished to revolt- one time there was a line of girls
walking by, and they wouldn't let us look at the girls, and
i intentionally was checking them out, I nodded at one and
winked (she smiled) and once again was taken away and
beaten, boy did I fight these guys every chance I got. They
threw me in a isolation unit that is always supervised, it
was called "the hobbit" - a girl had been in there for nine
months and she had hung herself in there under supervision.
When they released me I would make plans with other children
we were gathering weapons, I was planning a revolt and to
escape this.
I cannot stress the amount of human
rights abuses that took place, when they found out my plans
they threw me in the hobbit indefinitely, and I had finally
started getting the better of this staff member who
especially liked beating me up in the mornings. the day
previously I had dislodged one of his teeth in the fight;
needless to say he hated me, and swore to me he would kill
me if he had the chance. I was awoken one morning by him he
had a smile on his face, he said," they were sending me to
Jamaica a further WWASP program that will break kids
especially hard to handle", i spit in his face and told him
to f* himself. My mother got worried hearing that news, and
having not received even a letter or a call. She came and
got me when she arrived I was black and blue she was crying,
we left and never looked back.
Time went on I was homeschooled and I
got my GED and went to community college at 16 years old. I
was intent on helping others I loved people although I had
never been truly loved and that's when I met my would be
wife.I met her may 2006, I walked up stairs in Rogers house,
the gayest homosexual young boy predator, millionaire inappropriate content
director. To my best friend Chris laying in bed with a
beautiful girl, they both covered up. (Chris had been on the
streets for sometime and was trying to make ends meet the
best way he could, sacrificing his morals.) I forget the
events but certainly remember my ride home alone with mindy.
I showed her my art and unbenounced to me she was falling in
love. Now i was a rather intoxicated fellow at the time, i
grew mushrooms and had was having an existential crisis of
some kind. 6 months later i met her again this time at
chris's apartment, man was she lovely. We talked all night
regardless of Chris's concerns. I told her my dreams ( im
going to move to the mountains in a log cabin) she listened
and agreed. Later i found out she was taking videos of me
when i'd hop out of the shower in chris's apartment while
she quietly sat on the couch. LOL
Time went on, and just kind of became
the three of us did everything. Alot of story missing, it
came down too a threesome type situation in a hotel. now i
was well beyond tripping i was hearing thoughts, and radio
frequency's, i was in no mood for sexual relations, not to mention i wasnt interested in a shared
woman. regardless I didn't judge her or sleep with her,and I had a deep sense of caring for her , she woke up
with my arm around her, when she realized she didnt pull it
off. Chris's jelousys showed, it was funny and i never
understood it at the time, as liberal as we were he had
become increasingly forceful with women and the word had
come back to me. Regardless me and MIndy/Min we became like
two peas and a pod, we just went together. Well she begged
me to an airport one day i wasnt sure how she got my number,
but for safety reasons i was convinced by her to go lol. She
broke up with chris the next day ,and we were dating, however
not technically boy friend and girlfriend. She had left some
stuff at chris's apartment, she went over there she got
raped and she told me in tears trembling a couple days later after not hearing from her.
I confronted Chris over the phone and he
confirmed his guilty deed, by saying ,"you cant prove it!"
going on about mindy, and how i need to be careful. I
reminded him to be watchful of his personal saftey in life,
and i got off the phone. So the time went on the i was
pressuring her to take care of this issue legally and she
wouldnt however it was a big deal to her esteem and dignity.
She had sexual issues with her father when she was young.
Eventually after lots of sex and great times starring at
each other broke in some random shore town listening to led
zeppelin, i felt obligated to deal with this issue. I
reasoned i knew where chris worked and lived i had someone
else knock, i covered up, and Chris no longer lived there.
Never herd from chris again, probably the best for everyone.
Time kept marching, i was employed at
my fathers company but being young dumb and **** i didnt
care. I'd show up to work or not show up at all. Well she
was late on her period 3 months. I came home one day gave
her a test asked her to pee on it. She was very much
pregnant. I got fired the next day by my own dad( he didnt
know about the baby or maybe he did and just didnt care and
my memory is being biased) So we were in need, i had star
spangled eyes. Said babe i'm joining the army i took the
asvab and had 110 gt and 70 score, when asked what i wanted
to do, i said infantry( family tradition)
I was only in for two years a lot
happened in those two years some of it I don't fully
understand let me give you an example.
Once at a reggae bar
in wurzburg Germany drinking heavily while attempting to buy
hash from two African guys who frustratingly thought I was
Interpol and would not sell. I thought to myself if I could
just get these guys drunk enough maybe they will so round
after round I bought drinks. That is until a Turkish man
dressed as an American ganster walked in with his beautiful
red headed girl friend. So naturally I invited them over
that's when the man told me to shut up and if I wanted to we
could take it outside. I was upset furious that a cordial
invite led to his blatant disrespect. My glass was shaking
in my hand as the man and his girl friend sat behind me
having had enough I turned around and punched him in the
face with my glass and ran out the door. The thing was he
caught up to me and as I looked behind me I saw him in black
mist moving extremely fast and he cut me on my forehead and
that was all. I never could fully understand this now I
believe the military is knee deep in spiritual warfare.
I remember once on a virtual weapons training
range in ft bending Georgia all of our shot groups were
being recorded by a computer, and I shot three bullets
through one hole without any measurable distance, the drill
Sergeant asked me ,"did you shoot three times " to which I replied
," yes" as it was recorded on the computer, and He gasped and said," that's how everyone needs to shoot!" A lot
happened in the military my roommate carmack went crazy
grabbed a gun and held up his girlfriend and he was shot and
killed. Many were coming back from Iraq and commiting suicide and
not being given honor burials! I would walk into the
barracks on Sunday morning hearing crying and wailing at the
memorials as everyone passed like nothing was happening ,
yet I was moved by it, bringing me to tears. Once in an arugment with my platoon Sargeant over the treatment of soldiers he said to me," mccusker one bad apple ruins the bushel!" And I looked at him and sharply responded ," then what does that say about the bushel?" And he was silent. I ended up leaving because of
disagreements with the jackbooted authority, and the lack of
compassion for fellow soldiers, I didn't want anything to do
with it anymore. I received a general under honorable
conditions discharge retaining my veteran status and I came
home.
I met my son for the first time, and then went on to have two more beautiful children
with my wife. I had pacemaker installed because my heart was
failing, indeed the painful world literally broke my heart.
During a suicide attempt , handcuffed to a hospital bed i argued with a police officer and made fun of him his partners were laughing he didn't find it funny and I ended up spitting on him , well he beat the living crap out of me elbowing me again and again in the face while I was hand cuffed to the bed , and afterwards he whispered in my ear," if I see you on the streets I'll kill you" even still I ended up doing a year in prison for that, Needless to say my relationship was very
fractured and rocky with my wife. Fast forwarding in
2016 my wife cheated on me, had a baby with another man, and
left me homeless.
I'll never forget that fateful day
riding with my father to a bus station to leave me homeless.
July 8th 2016 I jumped from his vehicle head first into
concrete at 55mph and I bounced and bounced and bounced but
I didn't break a bone I just had a scratch on my chin. At
the hospital the doctor asked me if I had ever heard of
divine providence and that I was blessed to be alive. Having
lost all even my faith calling myself an agnostic on good days and
atheist on bad days,( it still baffles me that even though I know God my faith is weak, ) mad at God I responded," I don't want to
hear that I'm still here just do your job Doctor
Where does one even begin such a story? A
Spiritual adventure that has changed my life and characterized
my life forever, I suppose I will start at my first
memory...
When I was a child my parents were
alcoholics, my father freshly out of the army would fight
with my mother often (not physically) in our ghetto
apartment in Philadelphia, gun shots outside were a common
occurrence, and I have several memories from this time in my
life. I was almost two years old at the time still very much
a baby becoming a toddler, my brother is twenty two months
older than me,and here is my first childhood memory. I am at
a small table in the living room next to my brother, a
candle is lit, and my mother is crying and my dad is next to
her, which was impactful and I was concerned for my mother,
she explained to my brother and me, that her and my father
would no longer leave us to go out drinking at night that
they were going to change, she then put us to bed.
Next, I remember my brother waking me
up and beginning to pick me up, it was the middle of the
night and dark, though with enough of a moonlight hue that i
could see what appeared to be an opaque entity, (God) formless,
and yet somehow perceivable, in the room with us. He was
comforting, familiar, all loving i smiled at Him and He smiled back at me, and I knew I had this seen this
entity(God) before. My brother quickly whisked me away, and
took us down the stairs and up again to the apartment next
door ,and he began knocking on the door, a very tired and
concerned woman answered the door, and my brother told her,"
my parents left us again" ,and she took us in where we
waited for my parents car to return, and that's the end of
my first memory.
The thing about this "entity" in the
darkness is that I remember it appearing in another memory,
that prior to last year I thought may have been a dream ,
but last year changed all that the most magical beautiful
experiences happened to me, and at the risk of sounding
crazy here goes.
I remember, standing in front of the
world on the moon (as if the globe was in perspective)
standing next to God formless,that very loving and
kind. He was presenting a choice and that choice was to live
a human life, the choice
was solely mine to make, but God was calling giving a mission, and I watched the life that I would
live every moment played before me, and it was to be a sad
and painful life which God was understanding and kind. I choose to come here sometimes in my depression I
still wonder why.
The rest of my childhood was pretty
rocky, in church I was afflicted I would hear in my ear
"you're judas Iscariot " and I would feel disgusted with
myself. I would pray to God and have sexual thoughts and I
felt ashamed, dolls would come to life in my room and they
were evil, and I would see spirits that would scare me and
all that while I began to be sexually abused by a friend and
his family both my sister and I ,despite my many afflictions
I still kept the faith and preached God and His love to
others.
By the time i was 14 years old i was a
extremely rebellious teenager, I pretty much did anything i
wanted when ever i wanted. I was the class clown and the the
leader of resistance,a loner and misunderstood, little did i
know how real that would become for me.
I went to truancy court and a judge
promised my parents that a program in Montana called "spring
creek lodge" would guarantee my ascent into normality, and
by a stroke of fate or my parents jadedness , i found my
self exiled in what i can only describe as a modern day
concentration camp for children in the good old U.S.A.
Upon my arrival, everything was normal
my father dropped me off and it looked like a cabin in the
woods, with children who were very respectful and dressed in
formal dress. When he left, that is when the fun began. The
first day i was there i was beaten i was in the lunch hall
and i was talking to another person who had just arrived
they separated us into "family's" and because i was talking
and a "level one"- which basically meant you had to be
broken still) I was drug out unable to eat and beaten by
four staff members. I fought back but to little avail, but
at that moment i realized just what I had got myself into
and knew I had to get away.
The first six months they did not allow
us to write or receive letters from our parents, they used
this as a tactic to break us and so that we could not
communicate what was really going on, they psychically and
psychologically abused us everyday. A few days in i realized
they were using children who they had broke as shills, to
infiltrate any resistance among the newer ones, they
gathered us in a group and told us that if any of us ran
they would send these kids who had been there for years to
chase us down with rocks,and they did; there was an incident
of a runner they sent these children after him and beat him
bloody and dragged him back.
I would not stand for this, i would not
break! under any circumstance, not only did I wish to get
away i wished to revolt- one time there was a line of girls
walking by, and they wouldn't let us look at the girls, and
i intentionally was checking them out, I nodded at one and
winked (she smiled) and once again was taken away and
beaten, boy did I fight these guys every chance I got. They
threw me in a isolation unit that is always supervised, it
was called "the hobbit" - a girl had been in there for nine
months and she had hung herself in there under supervision.
When they released me I would make plans with other children
we were gathering weapons, I was planning a revolt and to
escape this.
I cannot stress the amount of human
rights abuses that took place, when they found out my plans
they threw me in the hobbit indefinitely, and I had finally
started getting the better of this staff member who
especially liked beating me up in the mornings. the day
previously I had dislodged one of his teeth in the fight;
needless to say he hated me, and swore to me he would kill
me if he had the chance. I was awoken one morning by him he
had a smile on his face, he said," they were sending me to
Jamaica a further WWASP program that will break kids
especially hard to handle", i spit in his face and told him
to f* himself. My mother got worried hearing that news, and
having not received even a letter or a call. She came and
got me when she arrived I was black and blue she was crying,
we left and never looked back.
Time went on I was homeschooled and I
got my GED and went to community college at 16 years old. I
was intent on helping others I loved people although I had
never been truly loved and that's when I met my would be
wife.I met her may 2006, I walked up stairs in Rogers house,
the gayest homosexual young boy predator, millionaire inappropriate content
director. To my best friend Chris laying in bed with a
beautiful girl, they both covered up. (Chris had been on the
streets for sometime and was trying to make ends meet the
best way he could, sacrificing his morals.) I forget the
events but certainly remember my ride home alone with mindy.
I showed her my art and unbenounced to me she was falling in
love. Now i was a rather intoxicated fellow at the time, i
grew mushrooms and had was having an existential crisis of
some kind. 6 months later i met her again this time at
chris's apartment, man was she lovely. We talked all night
regardless of Chris's concerns. I told her my dreams ( im
going to move to the mountains in a log cabin) she listened
and agreed. Later i found out she was taking videos of me
when i'd hop out of the shower in chris's apartment while
she quietly sat on the couch. LOL
Time went on, and just kind of became
the three of us did everything. Alot of story missing, it
came down too a threesome type situation in a hotel. now i
was well beyond tripping i was hearing thoughts, and radio
frequency's, i was in no mood for sexual relations, not to mention i wasnt interested in a shared
woman. regardless I didn't judge her or sleep with her,and I had a deep sense of caring for her , she woke up
with my arm around her, when she realized she didnt pull it
off. Chris's jelousys showed, it was funny and i never
understood it at the time, as liberal as we were he had
become increasingly forceful with women and the word had
come back to me. Regardless me and MIndy/Min we became like
two peas and a pod, we just went together. Well she begged
me to an airport one day i wasnt sure how she got my number,
but for safety reasons i was convinced by her to go lol. She
broke up with chris the next day ,and we were dating, however
not technically boy friend and girlfriend. She had left some
stuff at chris's apartment, she went over there she got
raped and she told me in tears trembling a couple days later after not hearing from her.
I confronted Chris over the phone and he
confirmed his guilty deed, by saying ,"you cant prove it!"
going on about mindy, and how i need to be careful. I
reminded him to be watchful of his personal saftey in life,
and i got off the phone. So the time went on the i was
pressuring her to take care of this issue legally and she
wouldnt however it was a big deal to her esteem and dignity.
She had sexual issues with her father when she was young.
Eventually after lots of sex and great times starring at
each other broke in some random shore town listening to led
zeppelin, i felt obligated to deal with this issue. I
reasoned i knew where chris worked and lived i had someone
else knock, i covered up, and Chris no longer lived there.
Never herd from chris again, probably the best for everyone.
Time kept marching, i was employed at
my fathers company but being young dumb and **** i didnt
care. I'd show up to work or not show up at all. Well she
was late on her period 3 months. I came home one day gave
her a test asked her to pee on it. She was very much
pregnant. I got fired the next day by my own dad( he didnt
know about the baby or maybe he did and just didnt care and
my memory is being biased) So we were in need, i had star
spangled eyes. Said babe i'm joining the army i took the
asvab and had 110 gt and 70 score, when asked what i wanted
to do, i said infantry( family tradition)
I was only in for two years a lot
happened in those two years some of it I don't fully
understand let me give you an example.
Once at a reggae bar
in wurzburg Germany drinking heavily while attempting to buy
hash from two African guys who frustratingly thought I was
Interpol and would not sell. I thought to myself if I could
just get these guys drunk enough maybe they will so round
after round I bought drinks. That is until a Turkish man
dressed as an American ganster walked in with his beautiful
red headed girl friend. So naturally I invited them over
that's when the man told me to shut up and if I wanted to we
could take it outside. I was upset furious that a cordial
invite led to his blatant disrespect. My glass was shaking
in my hand as the man and his girl friend sat behind me
having had enough I turned around and punched him in the
face with my glass and ran out the door. The thing was he
caught up to me and as I looked behind me I saw him in black
mist moving extremely fast and he cut me on my forehead and
that was all. I never could fully understand this now I
believe the military is knee deep in spiritual warfare.
I remember once on a virtual weapons training
range in ft bending Georgia all of our shot groups were
being recorded by a computer, and I shot three bullets
through one hole without any measurable distance, the drill
Sergeant asked me ,"did you shoot three times " to which I replied
," yes" as it was recorded on the computer, and He gasped and said," that's how everyone needs to shoot!" A lot
happened in the military my roommate carmack went crazy
grabbed a gun and held up his girlfriend and he was shot and
killed. Many were coming back from Iraq and commiting suicide and
not being given honor burials! I would walk into the
barracks on Sunday morning hearing crying and wailing at the
memorials as everyone passed like nothing was happening ,
yet I was moved by it, bringing me to tears. Once in an arugment with my platoon Sargeant over the treatment of soldiers he said to me," mccusker one bad apple ruins the bushel!" And I looked at him and sharply responded ," then what does that say about the bushel?" And he was silent. I ended up leaving because of
disagreements with the jackbooted authority, and the lack of
compassion for fellow soldiers, I didn't want anything to do
with it anymore. I received a general under honorable
conditions discharge retaining my veteran status and I came
home.
I met my son for the first time, and then went on to have two more beautiful children
with my wife. I had pacemaker installed because my heart was
failing, indeed the painful world literally broke my heart.
During a suicide attempt , handcuffed to a hospital bed i argued with a police officer and made fun of him his partners were laughing he didn't find it funny and I ended up spitting on him , well he beat the living crap out of me elbowing me again and again in the face while I was hand cuffed to the bed , and afterwards he whispered in my ear," if I see you on the streets I'll kill you" even still I ended up doing a year in prison for that, Needless to say my relationship was very
fractured and rocky with my wife. Fast forwarding in
2016 my wife cheated on me, had a baby with another man, and
left me homeless.
I'll never forget that fateful day
riding with my father to a bus station to leave me homeless.
July 8th 2016 I jumped from his vehicle head first into
concrete at 55mph and I bounced and bounced and bounced but
I didn't break a bone I just had a scratch on my chin. At
the hospital the doctor asked me if I had ever heard of
divine providence and that I was blessed to be alive. Having
lost all even my faith calling myself an agnostic on good days and
atheist on bad days,( it still baffles me that even though I know God my faith is weak, ) mad at God I responded," I don't want to
hear that I'm still here just do your job Doctor
