Long distance parenting dilemma..not sure what is right

[MrsRice]

Please pardon the long winded question. My husband has 4 children who live in another state, ages 13, 11, 9, and 6. Since we live so far away, the only visitation we have is at Christmas for 1 week and summer for 6 weeks. We are as involved with them as we can be being 5 states away. We call them regularly, stay involved with their school progress, send them gifts in the mail, and overall, just make sure they know we love them, miss them, and think about them. His ex-wife doesn't particulary support him in his relationship with the children. By that, I mean that she doesn't encourage them to talk to him on the phone when he calls, is resistant about sharing school information (we have to bypass her and speak directly with teachers), and when the older ones say they want to live with us, she makes them feel guilty by asking them what she's doing wrong and why they don't want to be with her instead. She doesn't encourage them to even want to visit him. The 2 oldest ones have said many times that they want to live with us, in fact, the 11 year old did live with us for 9 months until his mom came and got him with only 1 day notice. My point in saying all of that is to show there is no issue or unhappiness to cause them not to want to visit. However, his 13 year old daughter recently told him she wanted to skip visitation for a cheerleading program in the summer. We talked to her and told her how important visitation was for all of us, including her, since we only get to see her twice a year. She had already tried out for the team and didn't make it anyway so we let it go. Well, she now she's calling to say that there is a play that she has already audtitioned for and also a girls church camp at the end of the summer that she wants to do, which will keep her from coming for the summer. I understand that she is 13 and there will be activities that she wants to do. We want to support her in those and not cause her to resent coming here, but also want to make sure to keep the relationship between her and her family here intact. My first instinct was to tell her she has to pick ONE of the activities and the other half of the summer, she has to come here. We feel that would teach her the importance of prioritizing and also making sacrifices for the sake of important relationships, and also being considerate of other people's feelings. We're just not sure what the right thing is...any thoughts or advice/suggestions??

 

[homeofmew]

so why do you live so far away?
And are the kids the ex wives or yours?

I mean are you eventually going to live near them again or be with them?

 

[MrsRice]

The kids are his and his ex-wife's. We live so far away because up until recently he always travelled for a living. We met while he was on the road and got married. I have always lived here and I have 3 kids of my own. He can make a better living in his line of work here as well so it just made more sense for him to move here instead of all of us uprooting and moving there. We feel like the relationship between her and her dad, and with her family here is important enough that while we will support her as much as we can with summer activities, in the overall scheme of things, making those relationships a priority is what is best.

 

[homeofmew]

hm.
here's a few things I am having issues with

her children are living with her and the older ones want to live with the dad and you
but you guys don't live together?

here's another thing to consider, the children want to be with the dad to travel, and they want to get away from "normal life" seen this before.

this might be going a bit far but maybe talking to the ex maybe helpful and see why she is resistant to him.

 

[MrsRice]

Who doesn't live together? I'm confused. My husband and I DO live together and he no longer travels. His children live with their mother in another state but have expressed interest in living with their dad (my husband) and myself. I don't see that as unusual at all. Not to get away from normal life, just to be able to live with their dad. Where are the issues in that?

 

[SoldierOfSoul]

I think you should let the girl do what she wants, she is rebelling and upset because of her separated family and so she is trying to show how upset she is by acting out in a way that would cause you and her father to be hurt. This is not a nice thing she is doing but she is upset and confused as to why life must be this way and she is trying to resolve it the best she can. Let her act out in this way and do not try to restrain her, this would only intensify her resistance, she will come out of it eventually and want to be close again. The last thing you should do is try and "teach her a lesson", this would only push her away even more.