Loneliness is a chink in my armor

[Jamdoc]

Presently being lonely all the time (between the virus (and being of a vulnerable population to it) and being disabled, being able to fellowship at all is excessively hard). Is a vulnerability that Satan likes to prey on me with, and while I can easily deny myself temporarily, his absolute favorite tool in his arsenal is Matthew 22:30 and the promise that I'll always have that loneliness forever.
He just stabs me with it over and over and I always bleed.
How can a verse of the word of God be like poison to me?!
But that's the way it gets used. It makes me depressed, it makes me get bored and tired of everything and lose interest in everything, which makes me susceptible to a host of sins. Coveting. seeking worldly distractions, being easily led into pornography, lust, overusing mmj to get high, if I had alcohol I'd probably be using that too, things I don't want but when I'm in that hole and I'm bleeding, I reach for anything, anything that will take my mind off of that wound and that sharp verse that gets stabbed into me just mercilessly. I reach for God first but the attacks keep coming, until I reach for a sin, then the attacks stop while I have to deal with the guilt that I brought on myself.
It's a test I fail over and over and I don't know how I can fix that weak spot. No amount of prayer or reading the bible has worked, because it's a bible verse that's being weaponized against me in the first place. "You want that? well too bad, Jesus says you'll never have it"

I try to convince myself maybe the verse doesn't mean what it says. That's what I want to believe, but other christians, pastors, people here, all affirm it means what it says, which lets it remain a weapon against me. It makes me wish I'd skipped those chapters of the synoptic gospels but I know that that is wrong too, because I should love the truth, even a painful truth. It can't be good that it can just be used as an onramp to bring me low by Satan.

 

[dqhall]

Presently being lonely all the time (between the virus (and being of a vulnerable population to it) and being disabled, being able to fellowship at all is excessively hard). Is a vulnerability that Satan likes to prey on me with, and while I can easily deny myself temporarily, his absolute favorite tool in his arsenal is Matthew 22:30 and the promise that I'll always have that loneliness forever.
He just stabs me with it over and over and I always bleed.
How can a verse of the word of God be like poison to me?!
But that's the way it gets used. It makes me depressed, it makes me get bored and tired of everything and lose interest in everything, which makes me susceptible to a host of sins. Coveting. seeking worldly distractions, being easily led into pornography, lust, overusing mmj to get high, if I had alcohol I'd probably be using that too, things I don't want but when I'm in that hole and I'm bleeding, I reach for anything, anything that will take my mind off of that wound and that sharp verse that gets stabbed into me just mercilessly. I reach for God first but the attacks keep coming, until I reach for a sin, then the attacks stop while I have to deal with the guilt that I brought on myself.
It's a test I fail over and over and I don't know how I can fix that weak spot. No amount of prayer or reading the bible has worked, because it's a bible verse that's being weaponized against me in the first place. "You want that? well too bad, Jesus says you'll never have it"

I try to convince myself maybe the verse doesn't mean what it says. That's what I want to believe, but other christians, pastors, people here, all affirm it means what it says, which lets it remain a weapon against me. It makes me wish I'd skipped those chapters of the synoptic gospels but I know that that is wrong too, because I should love the truth, even a painful truth. It can't be good that it can just be used as an onramp to bring me low by Satan.

Bill Gates memorized Christ’s Sermon on the Mount as a child. He went on to start Microsoft.

Pray to be led to greener pasture; the best verses in the Bible. Gospels, Acts, Epistles, even select OT verses. I liked Psalm 119.

Lust will not take away loneliness or failure. If you believe murder and violence are wrong, you should not do so much damage to yourself. You may already be aware addiction ruins a person’s health. Don’t crave what destroys you.

 

[bèlla]

"Those who sow in tears shall reap with shouts of joy! He who goes out weeping, bearing the seed for sowing, shall come home with shouts of joy, bringing his sheaves with him." —Psalm 126:5-6

Jamdoc,

I'm sorry to hear you're wrestling with loneliness and desires that Satan exploits to disturb your spirit. You acknowledged the coping mechanisms you've used to dull your mind and heart when depression takes root. But it isn't working. You need a different strategy.

We're told the journey from Egypt to the Promised Land was two weeks by foot. But the Israelites weren't prepared to step into the blessing at that moment. Their departure didn't liberate them from the chains within. They needed to relinquish them to embrace their new identity.

But they couldn't. Because a yoke can be uncomfortable but its familiar. We grow accustomed to bondage and walk around the mountain when the horizon offers everything we need if we'd move towards it.

You can't take a step until you admit your way isn't working. No amount of self-destruction or apathy will bring the promise to your doorstep. You must walk towards it!

We can do it God's way or take the long route. The choice is ours. Choose wisely.

Yours in His Service,

~Bella

 

[Jamdoc]

"Those who sow in tears shall reap with shouts of joy! He who goes out weeping, bearing the seed for sowing, shall come home with shouts of joy, bringing his sheaves with him." —Psalm 126:5-6

Jamdoc,

I'm sorry to hear you're wrestling with loneliness and desires that Satan exploits to disturb your spirit. You acknowledged the coping mechanisms you've used to dull your mind and heart when depression takes root. But it isn't working. You need a different strategy.

We're told the journey from Egypt to the Promised Land was two weeks by foot. But the Israelites weren't prepared to step into the blessing at that moment. Their departure didn't liberate them from the chains within. They needed to relinquish them to embrace their new identity.

But they couldn't. Because a yoke can be uncomfortable but its familiar. We grow accustomed to bondage and walk around the mountain when the horizon offers everything we need if we'd move towards it.

You can't take a step until you admit your way isn't working. No amount of self-destruction or apathy will bring the promise to your doorstep. You must walk towards it!

We can do it God's way or take the long route. The choice is ours. Choose wisely.

Yours in His Service,

~Bella

Yeah I acknowledge that none of those coping mechanisms work, but that includes prayer and bible study.
It is a weaponized verse of the bible, that is the most effective thing against me. I'm not in a position where I can see myself getting married this life, disabled, unable to work, ugly, stuck at home most of the time, self loathing. But that verse makes a promise that the lonely condition I'm in due to my circumstances persists forever, or, even in the best case scenario, even if I did find a partner, and was happy in it for a season, that it would be severed at death forever. It's the perfect verse and promise to weaponize against me, to take a good desire, and give a promise that God will never allow me to have it. It seeds doubts that God ever wanted me to be happy, it makes me think that my happiness is inconsequential to Him and my only coping mechanism has been that my happiness is just vanity as Solomon says in Ecclesiastes and that heaven, the new earth, it's not about me it's all about God so I should just forget how I feel and make myself numb and just not care about myself. But that's no way to be.

 

[Jamdoc]

I should also add that one of the coping mechanisms people suggest me is to "latch onto the promises of God" the problem is Matthew 22:30 is one of the promises that always gets thrown into that group and shatters it all to pieces.

 

[bèlla]

“I'm not in a position where I can see myself getting married this life, disabled, unable to work, ugly, stuck at home most of the time, self loathing.”

Jamdoc,

It isn’t your responsibility to fulfill the promise if God ordained marriage on your behalf. You are expected to be ready to receive her and provide the leadership and support she requires. The how is His domain.

Is the verse really the issue or are you upset with God and this is the only way you can say so aloud? Do you blame Him for your circumstances and resent things aren’t easier?

Since this hinges on companionship, do you deserve a wife? Do you see marriage as payment for following Him?

Yours in His Service,

~Bella

 

[Jamdoc]

Jamdoc,

It isn’t your responsibility to fulfill the promise if God ordained marriage on your behalf. You are expected to be ready to receive her and provide the leadership and support she requires. The how is His domain.

Is the verse really the issue or are you upset with God and this is the only way you can say so aloud? Do you blame Him for your circumstances and resent things aren’t easier?

Since this hinges on companionship, do you deserve a wife? Do you see marriage as payment for following Him?

Yours in His Service,

~Bella

The verse is an issue because it takes a current state, loneliness and incompleteness, and takes it into eternity as a continuous state of being.
No, I don't deserve a wife, especially not in my current state. I don't see it as payment or anything owed to me or promised to me, yet knowing that I still feel lonely, and I still feel depressed. The knowledge that I'm not owed anything doesn't make a desire for those things just go away, and all I can do is attempt to suppress them or accept that I'm not supposed to be happy.

I can accept that I'm meant to be single and alone, but that does not make me happy about it. I can accept that I'm crippled, but that does not make me happy about it.

Sometimes I just want it all to end, I want the tribulations to happen, I want to be taken into captivity, I want to give my testimony, and for them to cut my head off and be done with it. "It is enough; now, O Lord, take away my life; for I am not better than my fathers."
Now I'm not at a point where I'd do something like that to harm myself, if that's any concern, taking my own life would not glorify God.
but if the only thing I'm capable of doing is dying for the testimony of Jesus Christ then let it happen already. Then at least Satan can't stab me with that verse anymore. Then even if I'm unhappily lonely for eternity, at least I can't be tempted into sin anymore. I'd be unhappy but at least holy.

 

[bèlla]

Jamdoc,

What jurisdiction do you have over eternity? The verse can only cause offense if God is not enough. To lament singleness in a state you’re incapable of perceiving is to negate the realities of love.

You shall love the Lord with all your heart. With all your mind. And all your strength.

How is it possible for you to love with all when your person is devoted to despair? You speak of wanting tribulation but can’t withstand the test you’re in!

You pity your condition. You lament this and that. How can a companion thrive in that environment? You spend too much time thinking about yourself. You need something else to focus on.

There are many with disabilities and other shortcomings with a partner. Why is your situation difficult to resolve when there’s is not?

Read Battlefield of the Mind. You need to overhaul your thinking and stop feeling sorry for yourself. It’s making the situation worse.

Yours in His Service,

~Bella

 

[Jamdoc]

Jamdoc,

What jurisdiction do you have over eternity? The verse can only cause offense if God is not enough. To lament singleness in a state you’re incapable of perceiving is to negate the realities of love.

You shall love the Lord with all your heart. With all your mind. And all your strength.

How is it possible for you to love with all when your person is devoted to despair? You speak of wanting tribulation but can’t withstand the test you’re in!

You pity your condition. You lament this and that. How can a companion thrive in that environment? You spend too much time thinking about yourself. You need something else to focus on.

There are many with disabilities and other shortcomings with a partner. Why is your situation difficult to resolve when there’s is not?

Read Battlefield of the Mind. You need to overhaul your thinking and stop feeling sorry for yourself. It’s making the situation worse.

Yours in His Service,

~Bella

as far as I'm aware, most people that are disabled but married, met someone before they became disabled. It's just a testament to their love that their spouse didn't leave them after they became disabled.

and God fulfills a different role than a spouse or children would. God is male, how does that fulfill the role of a female spouse or companion?
God is a father, how does that fulfill the role of children?
I love God, and still have holes in myself. Holes that are not filled no matter how much I pray.

 

[sunshineforJesus]

Im so sorry youre feeling lonely and I will pray you find some friends to keep you company.

 

[bèlla]

as far as I'm aware, most people that are disabled but married, met someone before they became disabled. It's just a testament to their love that their spouse didn't leave them after they became disabled.

Jamdoc,

In some cases that's true. But others find a spouse in their condition. I was sick in the past. It didn't affect my dating prospects. They were determined to take care of me. Although I don't require it there's a part of me that holds it in high regard. It makes me feel loved and cared for.

and God fulfills a different role than a spouse or children would. God is male, how does that fulfill the role of a female spouse or companion?

God is a spirit. Not a man or a woman. Gender helps us understand His role in relation to us. But He isn't flesh and blood.

God is a father, how does that fulfill the role of children?
I love God, and still have holes in myself. Holes that are not filled no matter how much I pray.

This reminds me of a poem by Kahlil Gibran. A few years ago it crossed my thoughts and I poured my heart out in each stanza and posted it on a site I used to frequent. I needed to transmute the pain from a constant to a lesson. I opened myself and used it as a springboard to share my thoughts. This is my favorite poem by him.

And a woman spoke, saying, Tell us of Pain.
And he said:
Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding.
Even as the stone of the fruit must break, that its heart may stand in the sun, so must you know pain.

And could you keep your heart in wonder at the daily miracles of your life your pain would not seem less wondrous than your joy;
And you would accept the seasons of your heart, even as you have always accepted the seasons that pass over your fields.
And you would watch with serenity through the winters of your grief.

Much of your pain is self-chosen.
It is the bitter potion by which the physician within you heals your sick self.
Therefore trust the physician, and drink his remedy in silence and tranquility:
For his hand, though heavy and hard, is guided by the tender hand of the Unseen,
And the cup he brings, though it burn your lips, has been fashioned of the clay which the Potter has moistened with His own sacred tears.

His words still ring true. He reminded me how to suffer with dignity and take my medicine. After a while it wouldn't hurt anymore. And it didn't. One day I was ready to do the same with love. I wept but I didn't bleed. I didn't ache at all. I was on a different plane now.

Then said Almitra, Speak to us of Love.
And he raised his head and looked upon the people,
and there fell a stillness upon them.
And with a great voice he said:

When love beckons to you, follow him,
Though his ways are hard and steep.
And when his wings enfold you yield to him,
Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you.

And when he speaks to you believe in him,
Though his voice may shatter your dreams
as the north wind lays waste the garden.
For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you.
Even as he is for your growth
so is he for your pruning.

Even as he ascends to your height and
caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun,
So shall he descend to your roots and
shake them in their clinging to the earth.

Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself.
He threshes you to make you naked.
He sifts you to free you from your husks.
He grinds you to whiteness.
He kneads you until you are pliant;
And then he assigns you to his sacred fire,
that you may become sacred bread for God’s sacred feast.

All these things shall love do unto you
that you may know the secrets of your heart,
and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life’s heart.

But if in your fear you would seek only
love’s peace and love’s pleasure,
Then it is better for you that you cover
your nakedness and pass out of love’s threshing-floor,
Into the seasonless world where you
shall laugh, but not all of your laughter,
and weep, but not all of your tears.

Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself.
Love possesses not nor would it be possessed;
For love is sufficient unto love.
When you love you should not say,
“God is in my heart,” but rather, “I am in the heart of God.”

And think not you can direct the course
of love, for love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
Love has no other desire but to fulfill itself.
But if you love and must needs have desires,
let these be your desires:

To melt and be like a running brook
that sings its melody to the night.
To know the pain of too much tenderness.
To be wounded by your own understanding of love;
And to bleed willingly and joyfully.

To wake at dawn with a winged heart
and give thanks for another day of loving;
To rest at the noon hour and meditate love’s ecstasy;
To return home at eventide with gratitude;
And then to sleep with a prayer for the
beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips.

That's submission in the flesh. The living sacrifice we're meant to become.

Yours in His Service,

~Bella

 

[Jamdoc]

Jamdoc,

In some cases that's true. But others find a spouse in their condition. I was sick in the past. It didn't affect my dating prospects. They were determined to take care of me. Although I don't require it there's a part of me that holds it in high regard. It makes me feel loved and cared for.



God is a spirit. Not a man or a woman. Gender helps us understand His role in relation to us. But He isn't flesh and blood.



This reminds me of a poem by Kahlil Gibran. A few years ago it crossed my thoughts and I poured my heart out in each stanza and posted it on a site I used to frequent. I needed to transmute the pain from a constant to a lesson. I opened myself and used it as a springboard to share my thoughts. This is my favorite poem by him.

And a woman spoke, saying, Tell us of Pain.
And he said:
Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding.
Even as the stone of the fruit must break, that its heart may stand in the sun, so must you know pain.

And could you keep your heart in wonder at the daily miracles of your life your pain would not seem less wondrous than your joy;
And you would accept the seasons of your heart, even as you have always accepted the seasons that pass over your fields.
And you would watch with serenity through the winters of your grief.

Much of your pain is self-chosen.
It is the bitter potion by which the physician within you heals your sick self.
Therefore trust the physician, and drink his remedy in silence and tranquility:
For his hand, though heavy and hard, is guided by the tender hand of the Unseen,
And the cup he brings, though it burn your lips, has been fashioned of the clay which the Potter has moistened with His own sacred tears.

His words still ring true. He reminded me how to suffer with dignity and take my medicine. After a while it wouldn't hurt anymore. And it didn't. One day I was ready to do the same with love. I wept but I didn't bleed. I didn't ache at all. I was on a different plane now.

Then said Almitra, Speak to us of Love.
And he raised his head and looked upon the people,
and there fell a stillness upon them.
And with a great voice he said:

When love beckons to you, follow him,
Though his ways are hard and steep.
And when his wings enfold you yield to him,
Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you.

And when he speaks to you believe in him,
Though his voice may shatter your dreams
as the north wind lays waste the garden.
For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you.
Even as he is for your growth
so is he for your pruning.

Even as he ascends to your height and
caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun,
So shall he descend to your roots and
shake them in their clinging to the earth.

Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself.
He threshes you to make you naked.
He sifts you to free you from your husks.
He grinds you to whiteness.
He kneads you until you are pliant;
And then he assigns you to his sacred fire,
that you may become sacred bread for God’s sacred feast.

All these things shall love do unto you
that you may know the secrets of your heart,
and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life’s heart.

But if in your fear you would seek only
love’s peace and love’s pleasure,
Then it is better for you that you cover
your nakedness and pass out of love’s threshing-floor,
Into the seasonless world where you
shall laugh, but not all of your laughter,
and weep, but not all of your tears.

Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself.
Love possesses not nor would it be possessed;
For love is sufficient unto love.
When you love you should not say,
“God is in my heart,” but rather, “I am in the heart of God.”

And think not you can direct the course
of love, for love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
Love has no other desire but to fulfill itself.
But if you love and must needs have desires,
let these be your desires:

To melt and be like a running brook
that sings its melody to the night.
To know the pain of too much tenderness.
To be wounded by your own understanding of love;
And to bleed willingly and joyfully.

To wake at dawn with a winged heart
and give thanks for another day of loving;
To rest at the noon hour and meditate love’s ecstasy;
To return home at eventide with gratitude;
And then to sleep with a prayer for the
beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips.

That's submission in the flesh. The living sacrifice we're meant to become.

Yours in His Service,

~Bella

I don't see how that's different from where I'm at other than I stop griping about it. Submit and accept your role, and your pain, and your grief, and just don't complain about it. Suffer in silence.

 

[bèlla]

I don't see how that's different from where I'm at other than I stop griping about it. Submit and accept your role, and your pain, and your grief, and just don't complain about it. Suffer in silence.

Jamdoc,

No amount of griping will alter your circumstances. It will only feed negativity which leads to depression and sin. Acknowledging our pain is one thing. Steeping ourselves in it and recalling our woe is counterproductive. After the tangent you return to the mess.

When we face difficulties we must learn to bear up and keep moving. One step at a time. We’ll stumble but throwing in the towel isn’t an option.

You want to marry. But you don’t have a prospect. You can spend each day in lamentation or use your time for different pursuits. You won’t get it back either way. Whether you use it wisely or squander it.

Your medicine in this situation is accepting your singleness in the current season. Only God knows the length and conclusion. That may make you uncomfortable but self-destruction isn’t the answer. So you lean on Him and draw strength for the difficult moments when yours falters.

I have low periods like everyone else know how to deal with them. But sometimes I’m too busy feeling to handle the problem until the Lord reminds me. I know how to pray it away and follow up with worship. But the human part of me forgets every now and then.

Yours in His Service,

~Bella

 

[Jamdoc]

Jamdoc,

No amount of griping will alter your circumstances. It will only feed negativity which leads to depression and sin. Acknowledging our pain is one thing. Steeping ourselves in it and recalling our woe is counterproductive. After the tangent you return to the mess.

When we face difficulties we must learn to bear up and keep moving. One step at a time. We’ll stumble but throwing in the towel isn’t an option.

You want to marry. But you don’t have a prospect. You can spend each day in lamentation or use your time for different pursuits. You won’t get it back either way. Whether you use it wisely or squander it.

Your medicine in this situation is accepting your singleness in the current season. Only God knows the length and conclusion. That may make you uncomfortable but self-destruction isn’t the answer. So you lean on Him and draw strength for the difficult moments when yours falters.

I have low periods like everyone else know how to deal with them. But sometimes I’m too busy feeling to handle the problem until the Lord reminds me. I know how to pray it away and follow up with worship. But the human part of me forgets every now and then.

Yours in His Service,

~Bella

the length seems to be eternity. The diseases I have are lifelong, and progressively degenerative. I pray for healing but the only answer I get is as with Paul, grace is sufficient. The answers to my prayers for guidance? "Be still and know that I am God" and "Wait on the Lord" and "Watch" . so.. do.. nothing?

 

[Macchiato]

I don't see how that's different from where I'm at other than I stop griping about it. Submit and accept your role, and your pain, and your grief, and just don't complain about it. Suffer in silence.

No one should suffer in silence. I think you could benefit from therapy. As for loneliness how about some Skype friends that helps. For work what about work from home customerservice jobs?

 

[bèlla]

the length seems to be eternity. The diseases I have are lifelong, and progressively degenerative. I pray for healing but the only answer I get is as with Paul, grace is sufficient. The answers to my prayers for guidance? "Be still and know that I am God" and "Wait on the Lord" and "Watch" . so.. do.. nothing?

Jamdoc,

Do you believe you’re hearing from the Lord? Have you had others praying on your behalf for the same?

Yours in His Service,

~Bella

 

[Jamdoc]

Jamdoc,

Do you believe you’re hearing from the Lord? Have you had others praying on your behalf for the same?

Yours in His Service,

~Bella

Those are the verses from the word of God that are put on me when I read them, after praying for guidance, so yes.

I haven't been given gifts for evangelizing, in fact I've been given afflictions that limit my ability to do so. I've never had any kind of feeling or impression or guidance that I should start a ministry, or start walking and soulwinning door to door, in fact when I've wanted to do something like that I've been afflicted to where I can't walk or go anywhere physically. So because the great commission is doing those things, and I lack the talents and resources and gifts to do them I think "what use am I? what am I supposed to do?" and the only answers that come are watching and waiting.

 

[ImAllLikeOkWaitWat]

and the only answers that come are watching and waiting.

Yeah I'm in the same situation. It may not be what we want but its definitely not the worst position to be in.

 

[Jamdoc]

Yeah I'm in the same situation. It may not be what we want but its definitely not the worst position to be in.

It's frustrating, cause I have all this time and feel like there's not much productive I can do outside of reading the bible and praying and keeping an ear to the ground on events happening in the world. There's only so much bible I can read before I start getting things jumbled and I can't focus on what I'm reading anymore because I get bored of doing the same thing pretty quickly, so I'll read like, 5 chapters at a time then need to do something else or I find myself distracted and thinking about completely different things while my eyes go over the words, not profitable. I only can do so much praying before I run out of things to say.
So then there's all this time and I have nothing to do.

 

[ImAllLikeOkWaitWat]

So then there's all this time and I have nothing to do.

Yeah then there's the other end of that spectrum where you're just overwhelmed with things to do. Its hard to find that balance and when you do find it then it's hard to sustain.