Im new here. I need help. My 19yr old just was diagnosed w/ bi polar disorder. I need to know how to live w/ her. She sees a counselor. Shes not really on any meds. PRN benedril. Just got the name of a paychiatrist. She fell to pieces this spring. She lost her scholarship. Downgraded jobs in an effort to cope w/ working. Beats herself to a pulp Over everyday mistakes. Haveing impossible time creatIng boundries with her 4 siblings of which shes youngest. When triggered she retreats to her room and actually beats on herself wishing she were dead. Says she cant do it anymore. Or has outbursts where Im target since Im the onlyone in household. IDK what to do. I work her through things telling her not to believe the lies in her mind. I could use help and advice.
The thing she needs most from you is your patience and understanding. If she is still managing to work part time, she is doing REALLY well. When I fell apart at 19, not only did I drop out of school, and try to kill myself, but I couldn't hold down a job.
Patience is the name of the game, because the answers are going to take time. Time to find the right medication to deal with the biochemistry (I'm sure you realize this is a medical problem, not an emotional one -- you are not a bad mom or anything). Time for psychotherapy skills to be learned. And time for her to grow older (certain mental disorders get better as we mature -- I'm 56 now, and finally feel like I have things together).
Things you can to do help her:
1. Look for genuine reasons to compliment her. Don't give her phony compliments -- she'll know. Her depression is lying to her, tearing her down every opportunity it gets. She needs to know she is okay, or doing a good job, or special to you, or whatever.
2. Limit the stress around her as much as possible. Being around fighting and cluttered disorganized places are going to be especially draining on her during this time. I know you can't be in control of what other people do, so if someone else in the home is a jerk, there's no helping that. But whatever you can do will help. Try to keep things as structured as possible. Laundry is always on Monday. Dinner is always at 5:30. Etc.
3. Unless she's the sort of person that dislikes hugs and kisses, give them to her whenever appropriate, when you leave, when you get home. Rub her back or shoulder when you sit next to her. Look for reasons to give appropriate touch.
4. Look for things you can do together. Maybe its a Baskin Robbins ice cream cone on Saturday afternoon. Maybe it's getting mani's and pedi's together. My mom and I used to always watch Murder She Wrote every Sunday night like clockwork -- you always knew I would be out of my room at that time.
5. Help her remember the things she once enjoyed, because right now they may hold less joy for her -- depression kills pleasure. For example, if she likes reading fantasy stories, take her to the local Barnes and Noble and look at fantasy stories together. Don't feel betrayed if she starts it but doesn't finish it.
6. Sign up for some kind of exercise class together -- it's easier to follow through if done with a group, especially if someone one knows is in the group. Sometimes physical exertion is just too much when one is depressed -- try Yoga or Tai Chi. Even if you can just get her to stroll slowly under the green trees in a park, that would be marvelous. The more you can keep her moving, the less depressed she will feel. But realize that this will be the most difficult thing in the world for her, so if she fights you on it, remember that you are her cheerleader, not taskmaster.
7. Look for ways to bring beauty and spirituality into her life. Do you grow flowers in your yard? Pick a few, and put them in a vase by her bed. Find music that will click as "inspirational" for her, whether it is New Age stuff by Yani, Gregorian Chant, or the Allegretto from Beethoven's Symphony #7, but make it something transcendent. Take a painting class together. Walk on the beach at sunset. Visit a different strikingly beautiful church each month, even if you have to drive to get there, one so transcendent that you feel like you have to whisper inside. If you are Christian, realize that God is going to feel far, far away during depression -- don't expect her faith to be secure, and God understands. But try to support what faith she has -- encourage her to attend church and its socials. Pray with her. Talk about Bible stories and what they mean to you both.
8. And most of all, don't stop taking care of yourself. If you fall apart, how can you be there for her? Spend time in prayer, don't overload, go out and be with friends, pamper yourself with bubble baths or whatever it is you do.
