Living together before marriage

[superjsuh]

HI All,

My girlfriend and I have been together for 3+ years.  We plan to get married in about 1 year from Valentine's   Although we are not engaged, we will be very soon. 

We've been considering becoming roommates out of convenience and out of financial considerations.  We would share a bed in that case, which we occasionally do now when I sleep over.  We've been praying about it and seeking advice.  As Christians, we get a lot of negative responses about this from our Church friends who think it is unacceptable for an unmarried couple to live together.

I'd like to hear some of your inputs as to why (or why not) this would be sinful.  To give you some background, we are NOT sexually active.  We struggled with lust early in our relationship but we have dramatically improved over the years and vowed to wait for our wedding night.  I am confident I can avoid and control lust with her if I do move in.

Thank you my fellow Christians.

 

 

[seebs]

The big question, I think, is one of avoiding the *appearence* of evil; if you do this, will you be creating a stumbling block for other Christians?

Apart from that, ask God, not man. It's not our approval you need.

 

[JillLars]

Hi, I live with my boyfriend now, we are going to get married as soon as we are finished with college. I have also gotten some really negative responses. The only thing I can think of is that God knows our hearts and our intentions and probably understands if you need to live with your sig. other for whatever reason. I don't really have any other options, my parents are too far away from my work and college, all of my other friends live quite a ways away and have roommates or live in dorms. The situation works out good for both my boyfriend and me, and I really think that God knows we love each other, and I think that we are married in his eyes. So, say go for it, I don't think that it appears evil to live with someone you love...and I think God knows that even if other christians look down on you for it. that's my two cents. Good luck!

 

[superjsuh]

Originally posted by seebs
The big question, I think, is one of avoiding the *appearence* of evil; if you do this, will you be creating a stumbling block for other Christians?

Apart from that, ask God, not man. It's not our approval you need.

 

I understand its God's approval I seek and need.  Sometimes though, it is hard to truly feel and know God's desire.  I am somewhat of a new Christian... I rely on my more "advanced" Christian brothers and sisters to offer Biblical and spritual insight as to why God may or may not desire this situation

Another wrinkle in all this is that my girlfriend has been having a bed bug problem recently.  Her skin is very sensitive to bed bug bites, and she has been sleeping completely clothed from head to toe (literally)  She thinks this is a big reason for our lack of intimacy - it helps me a lot   And this leads her to believe that God has created this situation for the purpose of keeping our relationship pure. 

 

 

[seebs]

Heh. "Good night, sleep tight, and only let the bedbugs bite enough to keep you chaste." There's one I've never heard before. God bless.

 

[superjsuh]

Originally posted by JillLars
Hi, I live with my boyfriend now, we are going to get married as soon as we are finished with college. I have also gotten some really negative responses. The only thing I can think of is that God knows our hearts and our intentions and probably understands if you need to live with your sig. other for whatever reason. I don't really have any other options, my parents are too far away from my work and college, all of my other friends live quite a ways away and have roommates or live in dorms. The situation works out good for both my boyfriend and me, and I really think that God knows we love each other, and I think that we are married in his eyes. So, say go for it, I don't think that it appears evil to live with someone you love...and I think God knows that even if other christians look down on you for it. that's my two cents. Good luck!

Thanks for sharing.  We have good intentions.  I also believe we can stay pure in this situation if we go through with it.  In fact, I know our first night of sex will not happen until marriage (we've waited 3+ years already)  What we're concerned about is possible "fooling around" (ie more than hugs and kisses) which makes her feel very guilty.

 

 

[superjsuh]

Originally posted by seebs
Heh. "Good night, sleep tight, and only let the bedbugs bite enough to keep you chaste." There's one I've never heard before. God bless.

 

  Thanks for your inputs.  God Bless

 

[caley]

I have considered moving in with my fiancee. The only reason we don't do it is because neither of our parents would approve. Seriously though, I see nothing wrong with it. I'm not sold on the whole "appearance of evil" thing. Sin is not what people outside you percieve to be sin.

 

[superjsuh]

Originally posted by caley
I have considered moving in with my fiancee. The only reason we don't do it is because neither of our parents would approve. Seriously though, I see nothing wrong with it. I'm not sold on the whole "appearance of evil" thing. Sin is not what people outside you percieve to be sin.

 

I don't think our parents would approve either.  Regardless, I actually care very little about how this would be perceived by others.  My girlfriend, on the other hand, is easily influenced by the Christian crowd of friends we have.  I know they would give her a hard time about it... I would just like some real Biblical insight though as to why Christians would consider it sinful. 

BTW, I appreciate being able to share openly with you all.  I can't describe my intimate relationship like this with my fellowship because its pretty uncomfortable to do so unfortunately

 

[seebs]

That's a real shame - I think fellowship should be an environment where you feel comfortable discussing your life, one way or another.

 

[rach]

I honestly think that you shouldn't move in with her. I mean there has got to be somewhere to live for a year, even if it's with one of her friends sleeping on a couch. I'm glad that if you were to move in that you wouldn't be sexually active, but I still think the temptation would be really strong. Actually I'm kind of sad that so many Christians think about moving in with their significant other, but I guess it's to be expected, since it happens all the time.

I watch A Wedding Story some afternoons, and I can't believe how many of the couples move in together before getting married it makes me sad because the statistics are against you. Those that move in together, even those who are Christians, have an incredibly high divorce rate, and I wouldn't want you to be a statistic. Please consider this before packing your bags.

Love and prayers,
Rach

 

[bigat]

Originally posted by rach
I honestly think that you shouldn't move in with her. I mean there has got to be somewhere to live for a year, even if it's with one of her friends sleeping on a couch. I'm glad that if you were to move in that you wouldn't be sexually active, but I still think the temptation would be really strong. Actually I'm kind of sad that so many Christians think about moving in with their significant other, but I guess it's to be expected, since it happens all the time.

I watch A Wedding Story some afternoons, and I can't believe how many of the couples move in together before getting married it makes me sad because the statistics are against you. Those that move in together, even those who are Christians, have an incredibly high divorce rate, and I wouldn't want you to be a statistic. Please consider this before packing your bags.

Love and prayers,
Rach

Really good post Rach.  I agree that it is sad how many people consider this as an option. 

Originally posted by caley
Seriously though, I see nothing wrong with it. I'm not sold on the whole "appearance of evil" thing. Sin is not what people outside you percieve to be sin.

I don't see how you couldn't be "sold on th whole Appearance of evil thing".  I think way to many people use that as an excuse to do something that they know they shouldn't do.  It's easy to say, "I don't agree with that" in order to make it OK in your own eyes. 

I do pray that you will very strongly think about, and discuss this with other Christians around you.  NOT JUST ON THIS BOARD. 

My prayers are with you.

 

[Dewjunkie]

I lived with my wife before we were married, but neither of us were practicing Christians at the time. So for us, it was sinful. Now that we are back in church, we have discussed that it wouldn't be an option if we were dating as Christians. The temptation factor is enormous, and it's easy to say "we won't do anything".  It's harder than you think to put that into practice, especially for an extended amount of time in an uncontrolled, easy access environment. It is easy (easier?) to resist the urges when you can stop "foolin' around" and one of you has to go home. When you stop "foolin' around" on the couch and then move to the bed, it's a lot harder to resist. The easiest way to avoid sin is to keep yourself out of places or situations where it is easy to sin. (Standard example: if you're an alchoholic, don't go to a bar.  Thank you, Dr. Dew.)

You have saved a very special gift for each other thus far, don't risk it for the sake of convenience.

 

[seebs]

I think that studies showing that most people who live together before marriage have sex don't reflect huge temptations, but that people who are willing to have sex before marriage (and there are a lot of them) are likely to move in together, and people who aren't willing to have sex before marriage are less likely to move in together.

It's a complicated issue, and statistics don't tell you much about your particular situation. Keep God in mind, and do your best.

 

[IslandBreeze]

My turn.

Don't move in together. It makes being married so much more worth it! My husband and I waited until we got married to be together (sexually and living together). It honestly makes me mad when I hear Christians considering cohabitation. You've been with this girl 3 years? That's a long time. Why wait any longer? You know you want to be with her. Marry her already.

"Resist the devil, and he will flee..." Living together is not resisting the devil. You're just asking for trouble. I don't care how much you say you won't do anything, what are you going to do the first time she steps out of the bathroom in nothing but a towel???

....Something to think about....

 

[KeepTheFaith15]

mmmm hmm cammies right. but i dont believe in relationships, love or anything anymore so im not one to answer this question.

 

[the_man]

[My $0.02]

Apart from avoiding the "appearance of evil" I don't think it is fair on you or your spouse to put yourselves in a cohabitation situation.  Men and women are attracted to each other naturally.  You two seem to be in love and are leaning towards marriage.  So your attraction to each other is just that much higher.  You have resisted temptation thus far and that is excellent, praise God.  However, you haven't been living together all this time also right?  Living together, loving each other, looking to marriage...sounds to me like a very very flammable mix.  All it takes is but one moment of weakness on the part of either of you.  So I would advice not to do it.  Temptation doesn't need help to tempt you further.

[/My $0.02]

 

 

 

[lucypevensie]

I agree with everyone here who says "no". All reasons given are good ones. The disadvantages far outweigh the advantages, IMO. Don't conclude that it's either living together or else you'll be on the streets homeless--there is someplace for one of you to live.

Ask yourself these 2 questions:
Will we someday be thankful for the fact that we lived together?
Will I someday be thankful that we figured out a way to hold off?

Also, I'd advise no more sleeping over (unless you're in the middle of a big blizzard or something, ya know), and eagerly await the excitement of your wedding night!

 

[superjsuh]

All:

Thanks very much for your inputs. I am in a hurry now, but have read everything and will reply tomorrow.

God Bless

 

[Malachi383]

If you are living together, and especially if you are sharing a bed, it will be much easier for you to fall into sin, and for that good intention to wait to disappear. I have seen it before. One common phrase that Catholics hear is that we arent just called to avoid sin, but also "the near occasion of sin."

Cohabitiation, according to many studies, is unhealthy to a marriage because it mixes up and confuses the transition.

Spiritually - it is only marriage that causes a man to leave his father and mother, not simply dating. I think that you are still in an inegral part of your formations and need to live apart still.

God bless