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List of what I'm looking for in a girlfriend/future wife

Discussion in 'Discipleship: Following Jesus' started by Unofficial Reverand Alex, Aug 18, 2019.

  1. Unofficial Reverand Alex

    Unofficial Reverand Alex Look up Jason Evert on YouTube; he changed my life Supporter

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    "Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised. Give her of the fruit of her hands, and let her works praise her in the gates." --Proverbs 31:30-31

    Something I've heard a few times before, and now feel compelled to try: When there's something you really want, something complicated with a lot of different variations, write out a good list of what you're looking for, and writing it will send out some sort of ripples that will lead you to what you need.

    I'm not sure about how exactly this would work, but it is a spiritual exercise of sorts, and I've heard people talk about how well this works (including a very Christian lady I respect a lot). A lot of cultures have had strong beliefs about the written word; the most famous word in magic, Abrakadabra, is Sanskrit for "Your words have power", and very little is written down in Old Norse, because of an ancient Scandanavian belief that writing something down directly affects reality, and battles were won or lost based on what outcome was written down (it's fair to point out that much of this was about psychology; believing you're going to fail has a strong effect, as any athlete can verify).

    But whatever the mechanisms are at play, I wanted to try it out. Even if there is no reality-bending power, writing things out is a great way to organize your thoughts & rationalize weird situations.

    Brief background: I just transferred colleges, where nobody knows me & I know nobody. I'm very passionate about my quest for a girlfriend/future wife, and I don't want to mess this up. I put this in the "Following Jesus" thread, because I feel that writing a list for something like this is something that Jesus would want us to do; writing a list, then looking it over, reveals a lot about how mature your relationship search really is.

    So here's my list, written on the back of my "15 Promises of the Rosary" printout. Please feel free to critique this in a respectable manner, and please do try this at home, I feel that it's been a very good thing for me to do, especially before I meet most of the girls on campus.

    -Catholic (very)
    -Wants to & willing to work against human trafficking with me
    -Air Force boot camp together
    -Very patient & understanding
    -Enjoys being with my friends & family
    -Very supportive & encouraging; great peacemaker
    -Independent
    -God figure out the details, but we will enjoy living in the same area (in a city, but I don't know specifics; I really felt like I was home when I went to Chicago, though)
    -Virtuous as can be
    -Good listener
    -Articulate
    -Can have very fun & very serious conversations
    -Deep discussions
    -Minimal phone & TV
    -Wants to have some kids biologically, but then keep adopting from foster care
    -Similar interests
    -Respects & helps with my emotional connections with girls in my past
    -[And an important one I didn't originally add for some reason] Dresses modestly

    I don't know if I'm done with this list yet, but I thought that was a pretty darn good start. Now to pray to be led by the Spirit to whoever has these qualities!

    Thank you for all your prayers & input, and may the Spirit lead us all to write out what we think we want, and may He lead us all to the people that God wants us with!
     
    Last edited: Aug 20, 2019
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  2. ilovejcsog

    ilovejcsog I am a Christian mutt. You can call me Rox

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    You have moved to a busy place compared to where you came from(urban). You will have a much easier time in finding your future wife with so many more people and opportunities.
    Blessings
     
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  3. Albion

    Albion Facilitator

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    You will probably have to ask for resumes and schedule interviews.
     
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  4. Paidiske

    Paidiske Clara bonam audax Supporter

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    Some of that looks very wise. Some of it, I wonder. Air force boot camp? What if the right person for you has a different career in mind, or is a pacifist? You might be needlessly narrowing your options there, where someone with different goals might enrich your life in different ways.
     
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  5. LaBèlla

    LaBèlla ❤️ Supporter

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    You were in Chicago and didn’t meet the person you describe?
     
  6. Jonaitis

    Jonaitis Sleep is for the weak

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    I remember what someone said in a men's bible study about looking for a future spouse that has remained stuck in my head: write down all the qualities and characteristics you want to see in them and mirror that standard yourself.
     
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  7. Stranger36147

    Stranger36147 Active Member

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    Personally, I'd rather just keep things simple and remain single. But that's just me.
     
  8. Jonaitis

    Jonaitis Sleep is for the weak

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    A minimalist life is beautiful too.
     
  9. Ronald

    Ronald Exhortations Supporter

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    Well, the Proverbs 31 woman is a good place to start. I think a lot of us had lists describing the ideal mate - but life happens differently and certainly not the way you planned it. More should be as thoughtful, but emotions get in the way at times and renders us mentally disabled. Really, often we find ourselves saying, "What was I thinking?" But only after it's all over.
    Please do not get offended with what I am about to say. When you are young, you tend to be more prideful, self centered ... thinking you are all that!
    This pride must be conquered, we must lose it. Why do I say this? Because it seems like you are looking for someone like you, with the same background, training, experiences, interests, etc. Don't look for a female you.
    God is sovereign. He knows your heart and needs better than you. Seek Him first and He will give you a mate - most likely different than you would expect. They say opposites attract. Keep in mind, women are wired differently, having different interests and communicate differently. We are supposed to complement each other, join together and become one. But I doubt it will be two mirror images of yourself joining.
    Seek Him and He will pick one for you, much better for you. A wife can't be gotten from a mail order catalogue, checking off the qualities and features from a list. And when we focus on our list too much, we may miss to see the forest for the trees.
    Be patient, get your work together, become a good provider - that's usually high up on a woman's list. Do you think she is looking for a mirror image of herself in you? Hope not, she'll miss out.
     
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  10. Michael Collum

    Michael Collum Everything began with a voice, use yours Supporter

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    The thought that came to me when I saw your post was to consider those who serve the Lord well with you. Especially if her being very Catholic matters at the top of the list.
     
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  11. Unofficial Reverand Alex

    Unofficial Reverand Alex Look up Jason Evert on YouTube; he changed my life Supporter

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    Thank you all for your responses; it's a good mix of encouragement & skepticism. A good combination, I believe.

    I thought about that, but I know boot camp will be a struggle for me, and I'd really like to have her with me. Still, I do see the wisdom in what you're saying.

    I was there for 1 day, mostly just talking with the friends I was with. Fair question, though.:oldthumbsup:

    I've heard that, too, and doing so is certainly one of the better self-improvement techniques I've done.

    I appreciate the thoughtful response; I think we all want similarities, and I'm just too naive to know what similarities matter, and what ones are better as differences.

    I'm at a Catholic university now, so daily Mass will certainly be a prime place for me to look for her.
     
  12. A. Sinner

    A. Sinner New Member

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    No need to write a list. If you believe God is in charge he has already created the perfect wife for you, you just haven’t met her yet. Be patient, she’ll show up when you least expect it probably (if it’s God’s plan).
     
  13. Lost4words

    Lost4words In reality, an old dog! Supporter

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    Only one thing on my list.

    Cute tail
     
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  14. Dave-W

    Dave-W Welcoming grandchild #7, Arturus Waggoner! Supporter

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    Except she won't be with you. Even if you both are in the military and attend the same boot camp, you will be separated for that time period. My son was married when he went into the Navy and his wife could not join him at Great Lakes. She also could not be with him at A School where he got training for his job (aircraft electronics).
     
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  15. Unofficial Reverand Alex

    Unofficial Reverand Alex Look up Jason Evert on YouTube; he changed my life Supporter

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    Thank you for these responses; I'm wondering if this is of those things that's better left different. Still, Air Force is an important part of my future, and something my wife would have to understand (although I am planning on being a chaplain/mechanic in the Reserves, so if global situations stay relatively stable, I'll never see combat).

    These are 2 good ideas that are hard to put together. Live the qualities you want in a future wife...but look for somebody with different qualities? I'm trying not to look for a mirror image of myself, but I'm trying to live what I'm looking for in her. Oof.

    But in any case, I'll take advantage of the free time I have now, before making many friends & before clubs start, to fill out a scholarship essay & start on a paper for class. Daily duties are good ways to spend time with God.
     
  16. Paidiske

    Paidiske Clara bonam audax Supporter

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    There are qualities that are important for everyone; (my list might include integrity, open-mindedness, kindness, and so on). These are qualities you want to develop in yourself and see in any potential spouse, and where the two of you can encourage one another.

    But then there are qualities where it's okay to balance each other. For example, in my marriage, I'm the hyper-organised, planning-ahead type person, and my husband is the go-with-the-flow person. Two of us the same wouldn't work well together, but as it is, we each bring something to the functioning of our household.

    In general, I'd say don't insist that she be intent on the same field of study, or work; be okay with her spirituality being different than yours (maybe one of you is more contemplative, the other more active, for example); be accepting of personality differences; and be willing to be flexible about how you manage being parents. (By which I mean, who does what in terms of the balance of paid vs. domestic work etc). But it's okay to say you want someone who shares your core values.

    That's sort of my sense of it, anyway.
     
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