*sorry about my mistakes, i am not from an English speaking country*
Yeah so as the title says I'm struggling very much. I am a girl and I desire girls so much sexually that it's driving me crazy. I'm starting to hate men. Not their fault tho, it's mine and I can't help it. They can marry a woman, love her, sleep with her, make her happy etc and they won't go to hell cuz of that. However if I do the exact same thing I'll burn in hell. I can't explain how shortchanged I feel! I'm burning from frustration, I cry my heart out on a weekly basis and I'm slowly but surely falling into depression. I don't think you can empathize with my emotional pain that is sometimes so intense it literally hurts physically. I'm losing all my motivation to continue my life (im just 19) and I've even thought that I'd be better off dead at a young age (horrible I know, I regret it). I can't even practise my hobbies anymore. I used to have high hopes for the future but they're now falling to pieces together with my mental well-being and sanity. Yeah I may be making a fuss out of it but I don't seem able to deal with it. What's the point in landing a highly paid job if you can't share your happiness with your significant other? The fact that I'm prone to ocd and depression doesn't help me either. I've seen a counselor before because of my OCD and anxiety.
Now you're gonna tell me to pray. If only it was so easy...thing is I'm so incensed at my fate and God that I can't even stand hearing my parents talking about religion these days. I can't pray, okay? I just can't! I feel enraged resentful disconsolate and confused all at once. This isn't even healthy! I am out of my mind! I know it ! How am I going to live this life in this way? It's impossible! That's a straight-up highway to mental illness. I am thinking about it so much it's crazy and seeing happy hetero couples gives me a panick attack knowing I won't ever be able to experience that feeling and those males trigger an extreme anger in me. Sometimes I feel like giving up on everything and just going with the flow, be it even getting a girlfriend.
I have no hope and no happiness right now. No rest, no peace. Any little piece of advice would be more than appreciated.
Yeah so as the title says I'm struggling very much. I am a girl and I desire girls so much sexually that it's driving me crazy. I'm starting to hate men. Not their fault tho, it's mine and I can't help it. They can marry a woman, love her, sleep with her, make her happy etc and they won't go to hell cuz of that. However if I do the exact same thing I'll burn in hell. I can't explain how shortchanged I feel! I'm burning from frustration, I cry my heart out on a weekly basis and I'm slowly but surely falling into depression. I don't think you can empathize with my emotional pain that is sometimes so intense it literally hurts physically. I'm losing all my motivation to continue my life (im just 19) and I've even thought that I'd be better off dead at a young age (horrible I know, I regret it). I can't even practise my hobbies anymore. I used to have high hopes for the future but they're now falling to pieces together with my mental well-being and sanity. Yeah I may be making a fuss out of it but I don't seem able to deal with it. What's the point in landing a highly paid job if you can't share your happiness with your significant other? The fact that I'm prone to ocd and depression doesn't help me either. I've seen a counselor before because of my OCD and anxiety.
Now you're gonna tell me to pray. If only it was so easy...thing is I'm so incensed at my fate and God that I can't even stand hearing my parents talking about religion these days. I can't pray, okay? I just can't! I feel enraged resentful disconsolate and confused all at once. This isn't even healthy! I am out of my mind! I know it ! How am I going to live this life in this way? It's impossible! That's a straight-up highway to mental illness. I am thinking about it so much it's crazy and seeing happy hetero couples gives me a panick attack knowing I won't ever be able to experience that feeling and those males trigger an extreme anger in me. Sometimes I feel like giving up on everything and just going with the flow, be it even getting a girlfriend.
I have no hope and no happiness right now. No rest, no peace. Any little piece of advice would be more than appreciated.