Leaving a church?

Aug 12, 2017
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I once pastored a church. Two years ago my wife fell into sin and left me and the kids for another man, she only comes by every once in awhile and that’s a whole new issue but not that one I seek advice on.


I’ve been working through the emotional mess that is navigating this trial. I held onto ministry for the last two years but prayed for God to send help and he did. He brought another church interested in merging. The merge turned into a church restart with their name. I was fine with this, I was in no place to be pastoring emotionally. They asked me step down as a pastor and I complied. Again, I need to receive. But they wanted to pay me as staff to continue to support the effort in what was my previous church.


I love my community but need time to heal. I had an emotional breakdown last Saturday and left the service and got a phone call berating me for my lack of commitment to their church. They want me to attend Saturday night service, stay for dinner to “get to know their church” and two services on Sunday, and then a Sunday evening church service at what was my old church.


This is all fine if my heart was still in it. I don’t feel any peace attending their services but went to another church last weekend and thoroughly enjoyed the service. It was great. With my profound emotional problems from what happened in my personal life, I’ve been somewhat flaky with showing up to the several weekly service projects they have going on and it frustrates them. I spent 20 hours over three days last week to try and show them I want to be reliable but the labor wore me thin. I feel like it’s too much for a person going through what I am currently going through. Three services, a fourth service in another location, and weekly projects is not what I intended to get involved in.


I offered my resignation last week, and was met with them begging me to stay. But they weren’t willing to budge on the weekly attendance. I wanted to attend a friends church to find healing and receive without expectation but this church employing me wants to counsel me through my trauma themselves and told me that having multiple therapists can be detrimental to my mental health.


I want to offer my final resignation, but I feel like I’m letting this church staff down, and my former community. I feel like any choice I make is going to hurt someone. I don’t know what to do, and I need help. What would the wise counsel of this wonderful forum suggest to help me? Should I move in and resign? Am I being unreasonable and should just go to these services and continue to comply with what they’re asking? I feel so stuck, please help me figure this out.
 

GallagherM

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Hello friend I would just simply like to share some scripture with you if that is okay: Anthony, I believe in God and Jesus Christ and will only be able to help you with some scriptures and encouraging you to trust and ask God; and think over and follow the spirit because as long as your heart doesn't condemn you, you can have confidence before God. (Nothing I (myself) say or advice you with will help).

Philippians 4:
4Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice!

5Let your forbearing spirit be known to all men. The Lord is near.

6Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.

7And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, shall guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

8Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, let your mind dwell on these things.

9The things you have learned and received and heard and seen in me, practice these things; and the God of peace shall be with you.
1 John 3:
19 We will know by this that we are of the truth, and will assure our heart before Him

20 in whatever our heart condemns us; for God is greater than our heart and knows all things.

21 Beloved, if our heart does not condemn us, we have confidence before God;

22 and whatever we ask we receive from Him, because we keep His commandments and do the things that are pleasing in His sight.

23 This is His commandment, that we believe in the name of His Son Jesus Christ, and love one another, just as He commanded us.

24 The one who keeps His commandments abides in Him, and He in him. We know by this that He abides in us, by the Spirit whom He has given us.​
 
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SongOnTheWind

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I once pastored a church. Two years ago my wife fell into sin and left me and the kids for another man, she only comes by every once in awhile and that’s a whole new issue but not that one I seek advice on.


I’ve been working through the emotional mess that is navigating this trial. I held onto ministry for the last two years but prayed for God to send help and he did. He brought another church interested in merging. The merge turned into a church restart with their name. I was fine with this, I was in no place to be pastoring emotionally. They asked me step down as a pastor and I complied. Again, I need to receive. But they wanted to pay me as staff to continue to support the effort in what was my previous church.


I love my community but need time to heal. I had an emotional breakdown last Saturday and left the service and got a phone call berating me for my lack of commitment to their church. They want me to attend Saturday night service, stay for dinner to “get to know their church” and two services on Sunday, and then a Sunday evening church service at what was my old church.


This is all fine if my heart was still in it. I don’t feel any peace attending their services but went to another church last weekend and thoroughly enjoyed the service. It was great. With my profound emotional problems from what happened in my personal life, I’ve been somewhat flaky with showing up to the several weekly service projects they have going on and it frustrates them. I spent 20 hours over three days last week to try and show them I want to be reliable but the labor wore me thin. I feel like it’s too much for a person going through what I am currently going through. Three services, a fourth service in another location, and weekly projects is not what I intended to get involved in.


I offered my resignation last week, and was met with them begging me to stay. But they weren’t willing to budge on the weekly attendance. I wanted to attend a friends church to find healing and receive without expectation but this church employing me wants to counsel me through my trauma themselves and told me that having multiple therapists can be detrimental to my mental health.


I want to offer my final resignation, but I feel like I’m letting this church staff down, and my former community. I feel like any choice I make is going to hurt someone. I don’t know what to do, and I need help. What would the wise counsel of this wonderful forum suggest to help me? Should I move in and resign? Am I being unreasonable and should just go to these services and continue to comply with what they’re asking? I feel so stuck, please help me figure this out.

Have you shared with them what you have gone through? If they know what happened and are still treating you this way, then that would be a red flag for me.If you don't trust them enough to tell them, I don't blame you either. Christians are still flawed, though we should be embracing grace instead of walking in disgrace.

As for wise counsel, I cannot pretend to you that I know it all. But I do know what it is to hurt like you've been hurt. My heart and my prayers go out to you. I don't feel you are being unreasonable. I would feel trapped the same way.

Have you asked them why it was so easy for them to deal so harshly with you and then so quickly beg you to stay? Sounds fishy to me. I would start asking more questions. Who does a complete church take over, push the pastor out of his post and then expects that pastor to be at their beck and call at all times? It doesn't sound like they respect you or the office that you held very much.

I know my limits, so if I was in your place, I would resign, even after getting the answers to those questions (if they have any solid ones). But that is just me.

Perhaps just tell them you need a break? If they say that they can't give you one, then that's another red flag. Everyone needs a break, sometimes. People need to rest. If they are not going to look after you, like you have accommodated them, I don't see why you should stick around. It's one thing to be servant hearted, but quite another to be used and abused.

That's my take. Do keep us/me posted on how this goes, I want to see this work out for you :oldthumbsup:
 
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Tolworth John

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offered my resignation last week, and was met with them begging me to stay.

I am appalled at the lack of understanding, love and support being offered to you by these church elders.

May I suggest that you arrange a meeting with a trusted pastor to discuss your needs.
Have you also seen a doctor at any point during this stressful time?

Following the meeting with the pastor, follow his advice.

Mine would be to write to the church elders setting out your emotional problems, your concern at there lack of understanding and state that you are leaving from set date.

Do ensure that you have somewhere to go, arrange for disposal of any property you are not taking with you and leave.
 
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Carl Emerson

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Sounds like the merging of the two churches is an unequal yoke.

Can you gather your original congregation together to seek God together to see the right way forward.

You need 'family' support from those with a history of commitment to you.
 
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timf

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Blended (step) families face unique challenges. Trying to merge two churches I would expect to face even greater difficulties. It might be a good idea to take a step back and determine the reasons for the merger.

There can be factors such as money, facilities, ego, etc.

Did the people of your church want the merger or did they just acquiesce. If they did desire it, is there anyone in the original group that could step forward and be the cheerleader that the new group appears to want.

The fact that the new leadership wants to orchestrate your activity seems to speak to motives in which Christian love takes a back seat.

Your primary duty is to your family. The damage your wife caused to all of you will require your ministry to heal.

Those who wish you to forgo your own healing and that of your family to attend to their organizational system, may not see you as a brother in Christ who is in need, but just as a system component.
 
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WolfGate

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Simple calculus for me if I were in your position.

Have I transparently shared with them what I was going through emotionally? If no, then I should do so; I cannot expect them to simply know my inner turmoil. If yes, and they are still acting this way, then I would walk away without hesitation (but still with some regret at how things worked out).
 
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Albion

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It sounds to me as though all parties are acting in ways that are not uncommon. That doesn't mean that they're entirely right, but we can understand where everyone's coming from.

Now, as for a solution...

Would it be possible for you, Anthony, to request some sort of leave of absence? In that way, both sides would know what to expect, you would not appear to them to be shirking some duties they thought you should be performing, and you will not have cut all ties with them (assuming, of course, that you might want to return to that group at some time in the future when you are ready for it).
 
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