Lack of intimacy

[Charles Edward]

Hello,

My wife and I have been married for 17 years, after the first year, my wife would be open to sexual contact Infrequently. The deep emotional issues That form a barrier have not been resolved or healed over the years and at times have been aggravated. At this point she’s categorically refused any contact since August, it’s been five months. It definitely plays a trick on my mind, in the words of Paul it leads into temptation. I think my ultimate question is whether a categorical refusal to intimacy has biblical grounds for divorce. Is it not a form of infidelity? And even beyond that should there be a shift and she agree, It won’t be regular. Having a hard time around the whole idea of the lack of connection & intimacy. Deep down I crave a more harmonious intellectual, emotional, spiritual, and sexual connection, and seeing eye to eye on values, none of which I feel exists in my relationship. Any thoughts or wisdom would be appreciated.

 

[NerdGirl]

I'm a little curious why you've allowed 16 years to go by, without adequately addressing this issue?

Have you been to marriage counseling together?

It wouldn't be fair for strangers online to pronounce that your wife's behavior is "a form of infidelity" and therefore grounds for divorce. We don't know you, or her, or your history, or anything about your marriage aside from one very short forum post.

I'm also a little confused as to why you seem to go back and forth a bit between "the problem is lack of sex" and "we have lots of problems".

 

[Charles Edward]

Early on we went to counselling she came for two sessions and then she wouldn’t come. My parents divorced when I was six years old, it marked me Instilled in me a deep fear of repeating the same pattern. We have two daughters, Every time any of the issues were addressed brought up for discussion, she was going into rage And violence, gradually learned to walk on egg shells, as not to trigger things she deemed upsetting. I lived in the fear of losing my family, her ultimate solution was always to Hold a gun to the relationship itself. I so desperately wanted to keep my family together, that I accept of the brokenness of it. Living in perpetual hope & prayer. At this point I’ve come to conclusion that the underlying issues can continue to be addressed overtime, But meanwhile intimacy seems to be the one at that separates a normal Relationship from a married one. My children are not 12 and 14, and I have developed both the courage to address things, a healing from the prison a fear, And even though the feeling of losing my family feels me with deep grief, I’m not sure how much longer I can simply withstand the lack of Intimacy. Over the years I see now that she has used it as a manipulative weapon,I feel that is wrong. Meaning it’s a line that shouldn’t be crossed. She claims that she misses it as well and feels deprived, But because of the unhealed emotional issues she can’t find her self in the right mental state to have sex. As a man I am wired to see the situation slightly differently, while people are working through their issues, They have to honour this aspect of marriage, which is bond creating and itself healing. There’s a sudden awakening in that I don’t appreciate the way she has trampled under foot this important principle, and can so stubbornly refused it, It’s not right. On one hand I have the courage not to fear consequences and wish to address things, On the other hand I feel emotionally cornered and I’m going mad and I have no choice but to address this. We are not enemies., We are still married, we still live in the same home we still raise two daughters, she can’t just suddenly say you know what I’m not having sex anymore.. or make it very difficult And in-frequent. I simply don’t want to live like that anymore. I’m ready to meet it head on. I wish she would simply accept that sometimes this has to happen. And no she will not come to counselling.

 

[Blade]

Thank you its hard for me to answer since this is only one side and I believe you but its only one side

I've been married and with my wife for about 40 years now. Took me years to see what love really means. This came from the lord showing me something one day in the middle of a bad fight. It was very strange.. not the best word but I saw past the out side of her right the heart. They were not even the same and I had this love I never had before. Well it was like this.. if right in that moment if she was this mean for the rest of our lifes oh I loved her. I didn't care how she treated me what I so wanted was to just love her. To treat her like a Queen.. best way I can say it. I was so over joyed to just do that.. that was everything. No matter what she did or said...didn't matter.

1st Cor 13 read it. That love lasted about 30 seconds. Yet I can see feel it. This love I truly believe comes from Him but..we have to want it to mean it. Its hard very hard. I know exactly what your saying but mine was worse at times. Yet WHY did I marry her? To just get what I wanted from her? If she never gave anything.. praise GOD. I love her I made promises to her. If it was me...I would want someone to love me and never no matter what give up on me. Its not what she does....what do I do for her period. To put this flesh away.. oh is SO hard.. but putting Christ first...trust me LOVE always changes things.

As for divorce? We can find a biblical reason but.. its not what He wants.

 

[Charles Edward]

Thank you its hard for me to answer since this is only one side and I believe you but its only one side

I've been married and with my wife for about 40 years now. Took me years to see what love really means. This came from the lord showing me something one day in the middle of a bad fight. It was very strange.. not the best word but I saw past the out side of her right the heart. They were not even the same and I had this love I never had before. Well it was like this.. if right in that moment if she was this mean for the rest of our lifes oh I loved her. I didn't care how she treated me what I so wanted was to just love her. To treat her like a Queen.. best way I can say it. I was so over joyed to just do that.. that was everything. No matter what she did or said...didn't matter.

1st Cor 13 read it. That love lasted about 30 seconds. Yet I can see feel it. This love I truly believe comes from Him but..we have to want it to mean it. Its hard very hard. I know exactly what your saying but mine was worse at times. Yet WHY did I marry her? To just get what I wanted from her? If she never gave anything.. praise GOD. I love her I made promises to her. If it was me...I would want someone to love me and never no matter what give up on me. Its not what she does....what do I do for her period. To put this flesh away.. oh is SO hard.. but putting Christ first...trust me LOVE always changes things.

As for divorce? We can find a biblical reason but.. its not what He wants.

Thank you

 

[NerdGirl]

The lack of sex is merely one symptom of what sounds like many years of brokenness between you.

I'm sorry, but I don't agree with you. A broken marriage does not entitle you to intimacy. "While people are working through their issues, they have to honor this aspect of marriage." No, I don't agree with that at all. And it's deeply troubling to me that you'd demand that your wife be intimate with you, while knowing that your entire relationship is fractured and in peril. Your wife is not a repository for your sexual urges; she's a human being with a mind, heart, and soul, that you need to respect and honor, whether your marriage is on good terms or not.

She certainly can say "You know what, I'm not having sex anymore, or make it very difficult and infrequent". She can, and she has. Now the question becomes, how will you deal with it?

My advice is that you stop hyper-focusing on the lack of sex and start worrying about saving your entire marriage and family before it's wrecked beyond repair. I would suggest telling her how you feel - not just about the lack of intimacy, but everything that's going on. And then tell her that if she doesn't agree to marital counseling, and that she will stick to it and not quit after a few sessions, that you're going to leave and separate from her.

There's a lot going on here, and a lot that's broken. It's going to take a great deal of work, and two willing participants, to fix it.

 

[Charles Edward]

The lack of sex is merely one symptom of what sounds like many years of brokenness between you.

I'm sorry, but I don't agree with you. A broken marriage does not entitle you to intimacy. "While people are working through their issues, they have to honor this aspect of marriage." No, I don't agree with that at all. And it's deeply troubling to me that you'd demand that your wife be intimate with you, while knowing that your entire relationship is fractured and in peril. Your wife is not a repository for your sexual urges; she's a human being with a mind, heart, and soul, that you need to respect and honor, whether your marriage is on good terms or not.

She certainly can say "You know what, I'm not having sex anymore, or make it very difficult and infrequent". She can, and she has. Now the question becomes, how will you deal with it?

My advice is that you stop hyper-focusing on the lack of sex and start worrying about saving your entire marriage and family before it's wrecked beyond repair. I would suggest telling her how you feel - not just about the lack of intimacy, but everything that's going on. And then tell her that if she doesn't agree to marital counseling, and that she will stick to it and not quit after a few sessions, that you're going to leave and separate from her.

There's a lot going on here, and a lot that's broken. It's going to take a great deal of work, and two willing participants, to fix it.

Solving the bigger issues Is deep down what I would prefer. As far as the drastic measure of saying If you will not come then it’s over, I’ve never put it to her that way perhaps if she is still interested that may be the ultimatum she needs.

 

[NerdGirl]

Solving the bigger issues Is deep down what I would prefer. As far as the drastic measure of saying If you will not come then it’s over, I’ve never put it to her that way perhaps if she is still interested that may be the ultimatum she needs.

Women (particularly when married) are not going to have sex, or feel sexually attracted to, men they don't love or respect. It doesn't sound like she's had such feelings towards you for a long while. If you want a hope of restoring that between the two of you, you need to heal the underlying wounds first.

If you have 16 years of problems already, I don't see how you expect things to vastly improve without outside help, which is why I suggest counseling for the two of you.

 

[Charles Edward]

Women (particularly when married) are not going to have sex, or feel sexually attracted to, men they don't love or respect. It doesn't sound like she's had such feelings towards you for a long while. If you want a hope of restoring that between the two of you, you need to heal the underlying wounds first.

If you have 16 years of problems already, I don't see how you expect things to vastly improve without outside help, which is why I suggest counseling for the two of you.

I know what you mean about how a women’s mind is Wired. I clued in eventually. I think you’re right on both of your points. The deeper issues needs to be resolved, And it can’t happen without counselling. I guess that is where I have to focus my prayer. She sometimes sarcastically says, “what’s the point of me coming to a counsellor, so I can tell them how much I hate my husband and I want a divorce”. However I don’t believe it To be sincere. She Habitually says mean things when she wants to hurt a person. I know that deep down she prefers that things work out. At times I’m convinced that she doesn’t want to come because she can’t face her own imperfections or wounds. Or perhaps she simply doesn’t care either way I have to confront her about marriage counselling. Thank you for helping me think through this

 

[tturt]

Really sorry that this is happening and has been going on.

Encourage everyone to watch "Marriage Today" Those televised programs are on Daystar.

Plus their website marriagetoday.com/category/tv-episodes/ has probably 60 free episodes including "What a man really needs" and 'What a woman really needs" by Jimmy Evan's ministries. All teachings are Biblically based. Plus there's books, videos, etc. He was recently interviewed on Joni: Table Table for 4 sessions about his book "The Four Laws of Love." Think those can still be viewed.

There's hundreds on youtube.

 

[Carl Emerson]

Hello,

My wife and I have been married for 17 years, after the first year, my wife would be open to sexual contact Infrequently. The deep emotional issues That form a barrier have not been resolved or healed over the years and at times have been aggravated. At this point she’s categorically refused any contact since August, it’s been five months. It definitely plays a trick on my mind, in the words of Paul it leads into temptation. I think my ultimate question is whether a categorical refusal to intimacy has biblical grounds for divorce. Is it not a form of infidelity? And even beyond that should there be a shift and she agree, It won’t be regular. Having a hard time around the whole idea of the lack of connection & intimacy. Deep down I crave a more harmonious intellectual, emotional, spiritual, and sexual connection, and seeing eye to eye on values, none of which I feel exists in my relationship. Any thoughts or wisdom would be appreciated.

Are you both believers - do you pray together - are you in fellowship?

 

[BigDaddy4]

Hello,

My wife and I have been married for 17 years, after the first year, my wife would be open to sexual contact Infrequently. The deep emotional issues That form a barrier have not been resolved or healed over the years and at times have been aggravated. At this point she’s categorically refused any contact since August, it’s been five months. It definitely plays a trick on my mind, in the words of Paul it leads into temptation. I think my ultimate question is whether a categorical refusal to intimacy has biblical grounds for divorce. Is it not a form of infidelity? And even beyond that should there be a shift and she agree, It won’t be regular. Having a hard time around the whole idea of the lack of connection & intimacy. Deep down I crave a more harmonious intellectual, emotional, spiritual, and sexual connection, and seeing eye to eye on values, none of which I feel exists in my relationship. Any thoughts or wisdom would be appreciated.

I feel your pain. I, too, have been married for 17 years and have gone through similar things - long periods of no physical contact (not even kissing/hugging/ signs of affection, etc.), deep unresolved issues that keep lingering, have contemplated divorce on more than 1 occasion, and have similar cravings for a "future state" of marriage.

I don't know what you mean by deep emotional issues that have not been "resolved", but for me, after 5 times of taking off her wedding ring and saying "I don't know if I love you or want to be married" and at least 8 different counselors later, our "unresolved" is still unresolved. The "unresolved" came from before we met experiences. If your "unresolved" is from your wife's prior experiences, then all you can do is pray for her, encourage her to get help, and endure until you decide you can't endure any longer. If you were/are a contributor to the "unresolved", then at the very least, you need to get help for your contributions and resolve your part, even if she is unwilling to do the same for hers.

I'll be praying for you, eh!

 

[NerdGirl]

I know what you mean about how a women’s mind is Wired. I clued in eventually. I think you’re right on both of your points. The deeper issues needs to be resolved, And it can’t happen without counselling. I guess that is where I have to focus my prayer. She sometimes sarcastically says, “what’s the point of me coming to a counsellor, so I can tell them how much I hate my husband and I want a divorce”. However I don’t believe it To be sincere. She Habitually says mean things when she wants to hurt a person. I know that deep down she prefers that things work out. At times I’m convinced that she doesn’t want to come because she can’t face her own imperfections or wounds. Or perhaps she simply doesn’t care either way I have to confront her about marriage counselling. Thank you for helping me think through this

Such words towards you are cruel and unacceptable. Your daughters will not grow up to seek healthy, functional relationships for themselves after witnessing such behavior from their mother, towards their father. They're 12 and 14 years old, these are critical, fragile years for a young woman. A lot of damage may already be done, I would highly recommend getting them into counseling as well. You don't have to live like this, but it may take some very hard decisions and confrontations to get things moving forward. Remember to pray every step of the way, for everyone in your family.

 

[Charles Edward]

Are you both believers - do you pray together - are you in fellowship?

We are both believers. Can’t get her to pray about relationship. Her heart is locked and angry the prayers that flow are words of frustration, like some of King David’s prayers honest & brutal.

 

[Carl Emerson]

Have you shared your struggle with any church leaders?

 

[Carl Emerson]

We are both believers. Can’t get her to pray about relationship. Her heart is locked and angry the prayers that flow are words of frustration, like some of King David’s prayers honest & brutal.

When you say believers - has your wife been born again?

 

[Charles Edward]

I would say no she hasn’t. She was raised catholic and I think that experience laid in her mind the foundational perspective through which she sees the Lord. We attended a baptist church for 10 years and she has seen other expressions of the faith, but with time I concluded that she had not experienced that massive upheaval in the heart & mind that comes from being born again & rejuvenated by the Holy Spirit. I pray for her... she believes in the Lord but is not in passionate pursuit of the things of God.

 

[Carl Emerson]

I would say no she hasn’t. She was raised catholic and I think that experience laid in her mind the foundational perspective through which she sees the Lord. We attended a baptist church for 10 years and she has seen other expressions of the faith, but with time I concluded that she had not experienced that massive upheaval in the heart & mind that comes from being born again & rejuvenated by the Holy Spirit. I pray for her... she believes in the Lord but is not in passionate pursuit of the things of God.

Mmmm... then it sounds like you are dealing with an unequal yoke...

This is the more basic issue, I would guess the other issues would resolve as this one is attended to first.