Just seeking advice I guess

[ark_angel]

Ok, well, my "anorexia" as people call it, started like in Dec. It was off and on, until about March, then it was full swing. Well, the beginning of April I was sent to the mental hospital, not just because of not eating there was other things invovled like self-injury and overdosing, but that's where I was for about a month. When I was there my skin had basically lost all it's color, I was pretty much as pale as can be, I was almost under 100 lbs. Well, I finally got out and I gained back my weight, but ever since then I still hate my image, and well, I've again stopped eating, no one knows about it, cause I work during the day, and I get lunch, but I don't eat it, and when I get home I just say I am still full from lunch, so basically I don't eat, well last night I had to eat some, cause mom made dinner and made some for me, and I wasn't about to just say no and have her think I am back to not eating, so yea, I dunno anymore, I liked it when I weighed less, I felt better about myself, so I just don't know what to do anymore i guess

 

[Music4Hym777]

Ok, well, my "anorexia" as people call it, started like in Dec. It was off and on, until about March, then it was full swing. Well, the beginning of April I was sent to the mental hospital, not just because of not eating there was other things invovled like self-injury and overdosing, but that's where I was for about a month. When I was there my skin had basically lost all it's color, I was pretty much as pale as can be, I was almost under 100 lbs. Well, I finally got out and I gained back my weight, but ever since then I still hate my image, and well, I've again stopped eating, no one knows about it, cause I work during the day, and I get lunch, but I don't eat it, and when I get home I just say I am still full from lunch, so basically I don't eat, well last night I had to eat some, cause mom made dinner and made some for me, and I wasn't about to just say no and have her think I am back to not eating, so yea, I dunno anymore, I liked it when I weighed less, I felt better about myself, so I just don't know what to do anymore i guess

Okay, I'm going to ask you some tough questions, you dont have to answer them at all, or if you want to answer them in a PM, whatever...

1. How much do you value your life?

2. How much do you value your health?

3. How much do you value your friends?

4. And how about your family?

5. If you value your life, do you merely value existance or really living life to the fullest?

Just think about these.....for me, it was seeing my friends hurting because of my eating disorder. It was really hard to see them hurting, to see the dissapointment in their eyes, the frustration in their voices, knowing that I was slowly dying to an eating disorder, but I wasn't ready to stop. It wasn't easy, but they were the ones that were there for me, the ones that encouraged me and the ones that inspired me to get better. Now, that I have seen what it has done to me and that I feel like I am just existing, I am working on getting better for me! I want to live again, I want to love life again....but no rehab center, no friend, can do that for me, can make that choice for me, I have to be the one that says that I am ready to get better. I had to make the choice, I did it for my friends, but now I live and am in recovery for me!

I am always around, so if you need someone to talk to you can PM me anytime!

 

[ark_angel]

thanks, for everything...
I am still struggling, I think my mom is starting to notice, but she isn't going to be around much soon since she has a job for the summer, then during the school year she will have 2 jobs, and she will be working until 11 on some nights. so pretty much it won't matter because she won't be in control of when I eat, she would never know if I had dinner or not.
I don't know, I'm just lost into the depths of thinking I am fat, it's got a hold on me, so I am trying to get to where I don;t think I am fat

 

[luv4godremains]

have you tried to not go on the scales? that may be a really hard thing to do, but it used to help me! I stopped being able to check my weight, for starters I was meant to to check that I wasn't getting underweight agagin like I used to be, but, for the time that I wasn't checking, it helped a litle! if ya ever wanna chat, PM me! God bless

 

[ark_angel]

well, we don't have a scale at home, so for the most part I never do go on scales, if I did have one at home, I could tell ya this much I would probably be on it constantly.

Yea, people are starting to notice...thay aren't supposed to. My grandma was asking if I have been getting enough iron, I guess I am kinda getting whiter, and my mom was there and she was saying how I don't eat that much. So I think people are starting to notice, it is so not cool. I think other people are noticing too, but they don't say anything. I don't know anymore.

Thank you guys so much for your prayers and support, I know that I need Jesus' help to get through this, that is the only way that I will be able to come through this. May God truly bless you guys

 

[luv4godremains]

what about st lunch times? are you ever around friends? maybe you could ask them to get you to eat something at lunch time, even if it's only something small, it will helpwith your weight, not the root of te problem, but at least you would put on some weight and make sure that you get healthy again!
God bless
*hugs*

 

[reeann]

all eating disorders really tear up your health, but anerexia is the worst health wise. Please call your family physician or get a eating disorder sponser group to help you get the right help you need. Please do not try to go it alone. It does not work, it only makes it worse. You will isolate. again, i stress, YOU CANNOT DO THIS ALONE. you'll only make yourself sicker

 

[ark_angel]

during the summer I am rarely around friends, we all are too busy, during the summer I have never hung out with friends, it's been that way my whole life. So no I can't get a friend to make me eat something, plus I am usually by myself this summer. I go to work, and during work I don't eat, but I hide that well, and most of the time now when I get home I don't have to eat, cause either my mom is at work, or I use the excuse that I am still full from lunch.
I have a counselor, I started seein him a few months after my self-injury started. right now he is the only one that knows that I am still anorexic. My mom kinda gets on my case about only eating once a day, but what she doesn't know is that I don't even eat that. It's gettin rough. My sister is coming up this weekend which means I am going to have to eat at some points, so that she doesn't find out...oh it's goin to be hard. But she will probably go and visit some of her friends, so at those times I won't have to worry. I know this is all just a bunch of excuses that I need to get rid of, but I dunno, it's hard.

 

[reeann]

Being in counselling helps. Keep intouch with your counselor and enlist the help of your family doctor as well

 

[ark_angel]

I don't think I could do that, I've already been through that...no fun at all, I don't want to go back again, besides he would just probably want to give me meds, and then it could be possible for me to overdose again, and then I would just end up in the hospital, again, which was definitly no fun at all, especially when you are in there for a month, and for that whole month you never got to go outside or anything. Plus, if I go to the doctor, my mom would probably find out, then everyone would know eventually, and I don't think I can do that right now. I do still see my counselor, and they are hookin me up with a mentor, who I might meet on Monday. I just don't know anymore

 

[reeann]

Jesus cares enough about you. I know your mom would rather see you get help than to end up slowly killing yourself. You are valuable, God says so. I will pray for wisdom for your mentor, and strength for you to go through the hard journey of recovery.

I don't think I could do that, I've already been through that...no fun at all, I don't want to go back again, besides he would just probably want to give me meds, and then it could be possible for me to overdose again, and then I would just end up in the hospital, again, which was definitly no fun at all, especially when you are in there for a month, and for that whole month you never got to go outside or anything. Plus, if I go to the doctor, my mom would probably find out, then everyone would know eventually, and I don't think I can do that right now. I do still see my counselor, and they are hookin me up with a mentor, who I might meet on Monday. I just don't know anymore

 

[ark_angel]

thanks, yea I might be meeting my mentor on Monday, the 4th of July, and if not sometime next week. Thanks again, may God truly bless you.

 

[ark_angel]

guys I just don't know right now. I have made more bad decisions, and I just can't take it. Plus I just read something, and it has kinda disturbed me, because it has to do with something that is my fault. This person has turned away from God and it is my fault, what is worse than that. This is the worst feeling in the world ever, the feeling of knowing that someone may not be heading to heaven because of you......guys why am I such a horrible person, and I didn't actually mean it the way this person took it, but I probably could've prevented it. Why?????
I guess right now I am just a plain wreck

 

[The Seb]

guys I just don't know right now. I have made more bad decisions, and I just can't take it. Plus I just read something, and it has kinda disturbed me, because it has to do with something that is my fault. This person has turned away from God and it is my fault, what is worse than that. This is the worst feeling in the world ever, the feeling of knowing that someone may not be heading to heaven because of you......guys why am I such a horrible person, and I didn't actually mean it the way this person took it, but I probably could've prevented it. Why?????
I guess right now I am just a plain wreck

Get yourself together up and start thinkin girl. God doesn't want you to be depressed thats the devils work. If something happened that was bad, then god meant for that to happen. Do you think god put that souls fate in the hands of a human? Sure you turned them away from God so ask god to forgive you and your forgiven. I don't have the answers but if your depressed then the devil has taken down to people in one hit. Don't let the devil take over your life via depression and feeling down. If god didn't want what happened to happen then it wouldn't have happened.
Perhaps this had to happen in the persons life to help them grow spiritually when he came back to the lord. You didn't influence them to make that decision of turning away from God, that was THEIR choice. No one can turn people away from the lord because everyone has to make that decision their selves, so therefore it is not your fault so stop feeling down. Ask the lord to help you through this difficult time and he will.

I hope this helped

 

[ark_angel]

thanks, yea it is amazing the way the Lord works. I couple days ago someone called me, and well I got baptized by the Holy Spirit and I started speaking in tongues, then I got back on the web, and the person had pm ed me. So now we get to talk again through the pm. Even though they have not turned back to CHrist, maybe somehow I can influence them to come back if it is the Lord's will. I was just so excited that they had contacted me again.
There are still other things that I am dealing with, it's hard, and I don't know how to get myself out of this rut that I have placed myself in.