jeans..

i'm fallen apart over how my jeans fit...

i am supposed to be in so called recovery, so i can get my life togethe again..

and an ED isnt supposed to be about weight/scale/food, but u an underlying issue..

then how come i am in tears cuz my jeans fit...there not snug..they just fit..

when b4 they were to big they'd fall off me..

i'm gettin fat-ter..and it makes me wanna throw my life away...

if i'm supposed to feel better when i talk about whats realyl going on..then how come i feel like sh!t cuz my jeans arent loose?



pointlss post, from a worthless retard. i'm sorry...it hurts tho..

thanx ya'll...sorry for the vent...

i wish i knew more ppl w/ food names. rotf. cheesecake, i can eat mac n cheese.. its all i;ve eaten for 3 days straight...

grrr...could u have possibly chosen a SN that was low in fat

j/k.

so much happening in my head, i cant make sense of it. bleh.

i hate whn jeans come outta dryer..they get smaller..or i get bigger...

i should just vent in my journal...thanx for ur words tho.

havent been to remuda, and dont plan on going to another treatmentcenter. i been to several. the last one i was at told me, i was a "hopless anorexic"..

which is not true, since getting out, i have gotten alot better. at that time, i didnt wanna get better..so i didnt work w/ counselors, insteada getting better, i sumhow managed to get worse. heh. it made them look bad, i got kicked out.

i quit seing my therapist over a year ago..and dont plan on ever seing one again. actually when i talk to my boi bout things, its helps me. when i was in MO, he threatened to drag me to a ED center over there, if i didnt work with him...so i am doing a lil better with his help.

it helps me, to talk..but the weight issue is still there, and the endless ED voice telling me i'm a fat cow, and better not eat, makes it hard to get better. but like if sumhow i care about, has like a food name or makes a joke about aa certain food, i can put tat food in my "safe foods"... and makes it impossible to purge, that specific food.

but i'm gaining weight... i was on a fast for lil over two weeeks, and of course eating will = weight gain...but it really bothers me,...

things r more intense, with my whole world seemingly falling to pieces lately...

but i just woked things out w/ cole, and that stress is behind me, which i am thankful for, it was eating at me.

now i got fam issues. i am confonting a long time issues, and getting him put behinf bars. its taking every ounce of courage i have to do this..and now that ED voice is really at me...telling me nott, telling me not to eat, telling me i'm a worthless pathetic pig..

... its cuz i'm scared...

and my jeans getting smaler doesnt mke it ne easier argh! i suck.

if only i can put off eating til this is over..but i promised cole...

i needa learn to lie better... that would make m life a heck of a lot easier. heh