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    Kristen.NewCreation and FreeinChrist

Ive really reached the end of my faith VERY LONG!

AmeriLovesJesus

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I have learned alot through my faith However... I am stuck at a crossroads pulled in 20 different directions. I am back where I started as a teenager. I am alone I have nothing to show for myself but the same situation to what led me closer to God in the first place. I dont want to follow God anymore because I come to a situation where I am hurt and lost. My mother and I are not close anymore & she still only focuses the man. I am 26 years old, Im no longer 18 where I can look at my life as if there are different possibilities and I can get away from this cycle in my family. I stopped believing in myself and I DO NOT trust anything in Gods hands anymore. My mother speaks of God and then turns around and is just mean again. Instead of having confidence in myself and just ignoring her it slowly destroyed me to the point that I dont know even how to get back to the person I was. I wanted to live a very long fulfilling life and Ive only ended up back at the beginning. If God really wants to help me he needs to take me out of this place.. or have my mother apologize to me. I am no longer going to allow her to just get away with acting the way she does and running back feeling sorry for her. Im tired of seeing girls my age having fun and doing whatever they please while I sit here and try to be faithful to God waiting patiently & growing as a person to prepare me for bigger things and pursuing my dreams. I failed to listen to a push he may have be given me a couple months back because in my mind I was being tortured by the situation with my family. My mother selfish and verbally abusive. Because of her pushing me down as a child I allowed fear to prevent me from pursuing bigger things in life.. but I grew with God thinking that at the right time I will have the strength enough to go after what I want In the meantime I will fix my relationship with my parents only to come to a curve in the road that led me right back to where I was trying to run away from. Instead of looking back on these years I spent with God seeing myself growing.. I only look back and wish I had done it differently so I wouldn't end up back here. Sometimes I convince myself that if I could do it differently I wouldnt have the knowledge I know now and would probably do the same over. I dont want to live a life of regrets. I never ever wanted to regrets but I have wasted so much time being so upset of this situation Im starting to have regrets for the time spent being upset over this. I see myself looking at my life differently now.. Like I have an entire lifetime that Ill have to struggle through because of this choice I made instead of looking at my life as a long journey of adventure.

I am trapped and imprisoned by this experience. I really dislike myself enough that I dont want to be me. Everyone else around me who doesnt take God so seriously is living a GOOD life and Im at the very bottom cause I keep striving for more out of life maybe Im asking for too much maybe I should just settle and accept whats given to me. I spent earlier years using that time appreciate the small things in life.. etc. Like God says to do otherwise we dont get the big things and I grew as a person so I could be a good enough person that I will not take for granted when the big things come. Those small things God wants us to appreciate I was never able to as a child because there was so much mental abuse in the family I resorted to running away or escaping into my mind. I said when I was older I would get out of here and do everything I ever wanted instead I stayed what was my plan was just a little Id stay. I know Im only 26 but Im slowly detaching from the world and everything I created in my life because of what has happened this past year. I dont trust God enough to take a leap of faith anymore and just get back out there and be patient again. I have nothing... I am single no kids and no career or direction anymore. That never bothered me before because I knew in time God would make it all happen as long as I did my part. But here I am. I dont know what hes trying to say... Im getting closer to the age I knew in my heart everything would start unfolding but Im paralyzed by the thought that maybe I need to be a little bit more grounded and realistic. I always did my part but I made one mistake and tried to make it right and instead of listening to God I listened to human voices and direction. Some are very helpful but the negative ones seemed much more realistic because that is the life Ive known. I love my mother and dont want to walk away from her... I wouldnt even know where to go from here Im so messed up in my head right now and Im trying to really appreciate the moments Im missing right now while I waste time. I dont just want a life of money and a career I believe my purpose is to use my talents to make an impact its always been that way. I took my inspirations as a child very seriously... The people I learned form on television.. Martin Luther King, Michael Jackson, certain Presidents.. Women who made actions to change the world many people.. and somehow Ive come to this road where I feel lost and I dont know where to go from here.. and I feel like Im being sucked in the traditional way of life.
If I settle for traditional in wont be like normal people the only example I have for the traditional life is my mother who lived miserable hating everyone.. talking about everyone.. even talking bad about my SF.. and even her children.. She needs our help now and I feel like my life has been cut short and Im too afraid t go forward with it. My sister and I were always sucked in to think we needed to support her emotionally and financially.. I dont know how to hold in together and be that way to her.. because I NEED A MOTHER!!! She has a mother.. I have always needed a mother.. I always been that child who loves her mother very very much sometimes it went to a very unhealthy level.. and she has taken advantage of that..

I want to live a long healthy fulfilled life.. and I dont know how to do it now that things have changed. I feel like I shrunk so so low.. and the only thing that I enjoy is looking back because Im terrified of looking forward because of what the future of the past has become in the present. I want to get up start again but I feel like I have chains on my ankles. My only outlook is somewhere down the road I come to this SAME curve again. I dont think packing up and running away from this is what God wants me to do... I feel him just saying get back on your path and be patient but I dont want to trust him.

My childhood dreams arent material things... I mean I want to be very successful in a career but my biggest dream is to live my life from the inside that even if I lived in a broken down house with barely any money I would still see the blessing in it all. I have a huge imagination and anything to me I could turn into something great but in the back of my mind it has been my mother who will see what I have a put me down for it. My mother has tried several times as well to make things better but it got so bad that I dont want to give her another chance and if that means turning away from God I might have to but then Im terrified without him I wont believe in the impossible and settle for something less..

I value the small things and the mistakes because when I was younger my mom acted like everything was the end of the world... instead of fixing a problem she fell apart... When I moved into to help her she used my belief against me etc.

I know many of you will say that I have to get away from her but Id hate to think these years I spent growing and trying to build something with her went to waste when I could have been doing what I dreamed of doing.. Id like to know what I can possibly do. God has to really step in... Im the only who really takes him seriously in this family... Ive depended on him and come up very short.. I know there are many people who have before me as well only to turn the corner and find everything they've been waiting for... but This is reality and the more I stay in this position the more I feel Im fading into the crowd.. and my crowd is not a good crowd. I could settle for a good traditonal crowd but the ones Ive only ever known are not good ones.. They involve abuse, hate, drugs, addictions, etc.

Im sorry this is so long.. but I needed to release this maybe somewhere in this post I will find my answer... But God is going to have to step up because I am really losing it. Instead of living my life as if it were my last Im living my life as if its a long journey of torture and I hate that because there are people in far worse situations. Christmas is coming and I look forward to this holiday ever year to look back on what Ive accomplished this year... but the pressure from my mother that gives me the feeling that nothing is enough has left me to live very selfishly. Im stuck in my mind 24/7. I want out of it.

Please give me some kind of advice or wake up call to get through this.. and would God give up on me???????
 

AmeriLovesJesus

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Id also like to include that What Im doing is very selfish... since the stuff has happened rather then just pursuing life with my heart I am pursuing life in trying to prove something to my mother.. I think that is what is killing me here.. I decided aginst some dreams for my life because I found something EVEN better but when I felt small around my mother I gripped back onto those dreams to try to prove something... so may be she would not say "I knew you wouldn't make it" (when she was mad of course) Although I dont know if my mother would say that now.. Im so conflicted in myself.. something in my mind is truly holding me back.. but while I think of these things I become afraid that Im missing Gods direction and it could end up being too late when I finally get out of this mess... Im trying not to plan anything trying to keep my mind open but from experience Im seeing that God has only led me back to square one.. I dont want these years Ive spent growing to turn into waste...

Ive also come across many devotions over this time that say the worse you feel the closer to your miracle.. these devotions keep popping up out of nowhere.. Instead of allowing God to bring out the miracle Im trying to figure out what I asked him for instead of leaving his job to himself... I dont know when I came to treating God like he didnt know how to do his job... but suddenly Im finding myself trying to have more control then ever even with God...

Bceuase Im terrified.. What looked be a mess he made to me made me scared to death like he culdnt do his job either...

Honestly though I feel so much stronger in my faith to a point it makes me feel like its unrealistic that is why I feel like Im to the end of it... because My sisters dream to be a singer which shes worked hard for for years and nothing ... has not come to pass yet... I know I shouldn't time God but Im scared this time around it doesnt only involve me it involves everyone...

I decided I am going to go out today and just make the day... Going to put up Christmas decorations at my mothers house while my sister takes her out shopping... Im going to stop over analyzing it if just for one day... Im going to treat today as if there was no yesterday or tomorrow... Im going to do everything I can today... maybe just maybe today could be the day...

Pray for me!!! Im going to use this thread as my thread of improvement... Its easier when you have people cheering you on...
 
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plumsink

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Dear Ameri:

It sounds to me like you are in an abusive situation that you need to get out of, period. You can maybe get out of it by standing up to your mother, or by leaving/having nothing further to do with her, or by being stronger within so that you no longer care if she is mean. But by one means or another, you have to get freedom from that condition. No one should tolerate abuse.

Please don't blame God for things that people have done. Also, God is not a tool for you to use. You need to get with His program, not Him with yours.

You may misunderstand what God is trying to do with us. God is trying to change our spirit to be conformed with His spirit, he doesn't care too much about the things of the world which are going to pass away anyway but with your spirit which endures.

It seems to me that you are focused on external things and achievements in THIS life, to the point where you are not focusing on the state of your heart and soul. Remember what the apostle John said:

Do not love the world or anything in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him. For everything in the world—the cravings of sinful man, the lust of his eyes and the boasting of what he has and does—comes not from the Father but from the world. The world and its desires pass away, but the man who does the will of God lives forever.

God did not promise that you would not have trouble in this life, quite the contrary! He said you would have trouble - but if you are armed with the peace of God, you can endure it. Remember that all the comforts of this life pass away, so don't set your heart on them.

Dear Ameri, resolve to solve your situation with your mother which is unhealthy. Take back your own life from her, let God help you take it back.

I will be praying for you dear sister.

Dear Lord, free our sister Ameri from her distress, put her faith on solid ground, and give her heart peace, in Jesus holy name we pray, amen.

hugs,

Robert
 
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serenityk6

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Dear one, I am so sorry to hear of your situation. Know that God never turns away or walks away. Unfortuneately it is us that does the moving. God tells us in Isiaha 49:15-16 (kjv) "Can a woman forget her sucking child, that she should not have compassion on the son of her womb? yea, they may forget, yet will I not forget thee. Behold, I have graven thee upon the palms of my hands; thy walls are continually before me."
There are times when this world will place so many obstacles before us that it seems like there is no use to continue; no reason to go on. This is when we must realize that we are going through a valley in our life. In Psalm 23 it speaks of going through the valley of the shadow of death but dear one, there is but the shadow of death for with God there is nothing to fear. Sometimes life seems so cold and so alone. In that struggle we are not alone. The psalms are full of cries to the Lord for a circumstance that life has given the psalmist. The scriptures tell of those who struggle and feel alone.

You may not have any spiritual support in your home but look to your church family. They are there to lift you up in your times of need and rejoice with you in your victories.

God has a plan for life and it will come in His time and through your obedience to Him. Jeremiah 29:11-12(niv)
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 12 Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.

Here is also a quote I wish to share with you "God whispers to us in our pleasures, He speaks in our conscience, but He shouts in our pains. It is His megaphone to rouse a deaf world." C.S. Lewis

A few years ago I found myself in a position that I considered broken. I felt that I had come to edge of reason and was going to go over the edge and did not care. In that time of weakness and my brokenness - God's love was made perfect in me. It takes a total sacrafice of self - turning everything over to God to be made whole.

The situation with your mother and family is strained right now. Focus on you and your relationship with God the Father - your Father and Dear one things will change as you change.

I am praying for you.:hug:

:prayer:Father please help to heal the hurt and pain that this dear one is going through. You know the entire situation and know what needs to be done and when and I ask if it be Your will that you would heal this family. help this dear child draw near to You and find the path that You would have for her life. Gather christians near her to help her with her walk. These things we ask in Jesus' Holy and precious name. Amen:prayer:
 
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AmeriLovesJesus

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Thank you both for your encouraging words....

Plumsink you are RIGHT.... I am more concerned with the worldly aspect of everything and I have surely been aware of it. You are also right that I have basically mentally given my life over to my mother. I dont know how to get it back. I am being pulled into different directions. I have come a long way in my faith and it helped me grow to be a very good person that I always wanted to be and it was preparing me for my future plans that I knew would come to pass eventually in Gods timing. Im stuck in my mind. I made mistakes turned down opportunities out of fear of trying and ending up in humiliation. Yes I have been more concerned with living up to my mothers expectations this year that Ive failed to live up to Gods. Im angry all the time... I have severe headaches... No confidence and a terrible outlook on my life.. I think Im really abusing myself in my head... But these words Ive heard in the past from mother as a teenager and all this stuff has come into my head that it has prevented from moving forward... I had planned to work until new years and save money and move to California or visit... Something new but my mothers outlook on life has plagued my own mind...

I was chained down by thoughts of guilt blaming myself for the situation that happened to my family... that it started leading to worse feelings.. it got to the point where I kept telling myself it was too late to try again... Ive tried encouraging my mother that our old life was taken away from us because God had bigger and better things in store for us & her... but then I felt like I signed my life away to her when I offered to help her for awhile... Instead of patiently waiting for Gods signal.. and doing my part in life until hes ready for me to say go after it .. I find myself panicking want ting to pack my stuff and run.. Im staying at a family members house right now.. Im not working yet... I am actually ashamed to almost show my face or I feel like Im going to get back out there and the same stuff is going to happen over again... Growing up was very hard.. when I would do something wrong ot make a mistake my mother acted like it was the end of the world get overwhelmed and be very hard on me... and I feel like that has stuck in the back of my mind if I make a mistake... I dont want to be a lost cause... Its only been happening for a couple months but when I look at my future I see a long drawn out life... but Im trying to just tell myself that this isnt going to be forever & you will look back and see that you came out of this.. Its not all my mothers fault I made choices and instead of standing my ground when she got out of control I broke down.. but what happened in our family effected me just as much...

She is very overbearing... My sister and I were raised to be onvolved in our parents problems... every thing that happened between them we were put in the center of.. she stuck for us when they were against each other and then she was against us when they were getting along.. So its like my sister and I feel this obligation to have to take care of her.. the rest of my family just goes on acting towards my mother and giving her sympathy everytime something wrong happens.. Then I feel guilty towards her for acting this way.. but that is what she is famous for... She had a stroke and lived she overcame breast cancer.. my SF left her.. she has chance after chance for a new beginning... She has 2 daughters who have tried to reach the highest in life.. and she still still cries the blues... I tell her you are not always going to live in this situation.. God gave her house and my SF left her with nothing... She got a good load of money which she spent well on putting her life back together and still acts so ungrateful... What Im doing wrong is allowing that to control my thinking.. I know a lot of people who would see these opportunities as God is there.. Then my family tries to say it has to do with the medicine she takes from the stroke which is so very untrue because she was this way before... If I dont get myself together I am going to explode... Ive completely isolated myself... This all seems so silly that Id be thinking of this now... but its driving me crazy... I want to get out of these thoughts and just move forward.. I really need to be surrounded by people who see life as a blessing rather then a curse... Ive tried to teach my mom differently but if Im nice to her she takes advantage of it..

Instead of just shutting up and getting on with life I get severe headaches.. I start to head out for the day & something mentally pushes me back.. I dont want to live my life in anger or against my mother.. I just dont know how to gt rid of these thoughts Im scared if I continue to allow her in my life 5 years from now I could be going through this again.. or I could just stand up tell myself to knock it off and just keep going..

I managed to convince myself for awhile enough that I am believing it that this is what my life is suppose to be.. I have never felt that before and always thought it was wierd that other people have done that... Im quick to tell encourage other people to go after what they want in life but now is the time for me to take a huge step myself and Im actually almost being a hypocrite... Failure to me is wasting my life.. I dont measure over the amount of money I make I measure by the amount of moments I cherish in my life.. but when it comes to my mother who is having hard times financially I feel pressure and almost selfish for thinking that the small things in life are worth anything.. Ive just seen how my SF turned out from her behavior... He was a severe alcoholic... and he did some bad mistakes but my mother would sit in front of us when he was drunk and tell him she wished hed die and all this terrible stuff but when he left she told the world he left her for someone else and they were great together... I dont want to end up like him because Im helping her.. I dont want to end up loosing my life while she abuses the help Im giving her.. I dont want to turn to addictive behavior to ignore her abuse...

Its what it turned into... and she wants to do small things now.. like create a traditional chrismas... or something and I just dont care.. She acts like she cares one minute and the next shes off the wall.. it has upset all my emotions... I stopped taking care of myself.. Im a total mess.. I was doing great there for a little bit but I got pulled back again... She has a very dark outlook on life.. she has even told me in the past that I should never bring children into this screwed up world...

I want to just fix this relationship with her so I can move on in a positive direction but Im so terrified of letting her all the way in again and her crashing down on my again.. I am an adult now.. and am excited to be one and want to be every age in life and happy about it.. I dont want my life to just breeze on by only to be 50 and look back and be miserable..

Even though I love my mother a lot and she is family would God suggest for me to leave her behind for now to do his will??? Or would he want me to forget my needs and dreams for now and help her???

I dont know.. I wake up in a panic every morning..
 
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plumsink

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Dear Ameri:

YOu have to gain freedom from your family situation. You are still young yet, 24? Good health? You have plenty of time but none of it to waste. You have a right not to live life as a puppet on another person's strings.

But - and this is something you will have to deal with even after you gain physical and financial freedom - your experience with your mother may have created a pattern that could recur in your future life, and the better you understand the underlying truths of your relationship with your mother, the more you will be able to achieve real freedom and really be your own woman (and God's woman, of course).

One example - I knew a woman who kept going back to the same awful guy. This guy was completely creepy, he would insult all her friends and be jealous of her friends, he would invent fatal illnesses that he supposedly had to get her pity, it was an absolute mess. And she kept going back over and over to the same guy. And I told her, you are just going back to the same punishment over and over, because you don't understand where his hold over you lies, psychologically.

So if you have to distance your mother for your own sanity, absolutely do. But also look within to the patterns that facilitated that bad relationship and its bad effect on you. Because if you don't understand YOU better, you might find yourself repeating that same relationship in the future with other people.

I don't say this to depress you, but to help you, because your relationship with your mother sounds like the kind of problem with deep roots that might take some digging to get out. But you can probably dig easier if your mother is no longer driving you mad. :)

I also understand that she is your mother and you are probably worried about how she will do without your help. You can probably help her better with a little independence on your part. And this relationship is pretty much threatening your sanity and nobody has the right to ask you to do that, not even your mother.

Stand up and walk on your own feet, I know you can do it. A new life is waiting for you. I am praying for you.

(((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))

Robert
 
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