I have learned alot through my faith However... I am stuck at a crossroads pulled in 20 different directions. I am back where I started as a teenager. I am alone I have nothing to show for myself but the same situation to what led me closer to God in the first place. I dont want to follow God anymore because I come to a situation where I am hurt and lost. My mother and I are not close anymore & she still only focuses the man. I am 26 years old, Im no longer 18 where I can look at my life as if there are different possibilities and I can get away from this cycle in my family. I stopped believing in myself and I DO NOT trust anything in Gods hands anymore. My mother speaks of God and then turns around and is just mean again. Instead of having confidence in myself and just ignoring her it slowly destroyed me to the point that I dont know even how to get back to the person I was. I wanted to live a very long fulfilling life and Ive only ended up back at the beginning. If God really wants to help me he needs to take me out of this place.. or have my mother apologize to me. I am no longer going to allow her to just get away with acting the way she does and running back feeling sorry for her. Im tired of seeing girls my age having fun and doing whatever they please while I sit here and try to be faithful to God waiting patiently & growing as a person to prepare me for bigger things and pursuing my dreams. I failed to listen to a push he may have be given me a couple months back because in my mind I was being tortured by the situation with my family. My mother selfish and verbally abusive. Because of her pushing me down as a child I allowed fear to prevent me from pursuing bigger things in life.. but I grew with God thinking that at the right time I will have the strength enough to go after what I want In the meantime I will fix my relationship with my parents only to come to a curve in the road that led me right back to where I was trying to run away from. Instead of looking back on these years I spent with God seeing myself growing.. I only look back and wish I had done it differently so I wouldn't end up back here. Sometimes I convince myself that if I could do it differently I wouldnt have the knowledge I know now and would probably do the same over. I dont want to live a life of regrets. I never ever wanted to regrets but I have wasted so much time being so upset of this situation Im starting to have regrets for the time spent being upset over this. I see myself looking at my life differently now.. Like I have an entire lifetime that Ill have to struggle through because of this choice I made instead of looking at my life as a long journey of adventure.
I am trapped and imprisoned by this experience. I really dislike myself enough that I dont want to be me. Everyone else around me who doesnt take God so seriously is living a GOOD life and Im at the very bottom cause I keep striving for more out of life maybe Im asking for too much maybe I should just settle and accept whats given to me. I spent earlier years using that time appreciate the small things in life.. etc. Like God says to do otherwise we dont get the big things and I grew as a person so I could be a good enough person that I will not take for granted when the big things come. Those small things God wants us to appreciate I was never able to as a child because there was so much mental abuse in the family I resorted to running away or escaping into my mind. I said when I was older I would get out of here and do everything I ever wanted instead I stayed what was my plan was just a little Id stay. I know Im only 26 but Im slowly detaching from the world and everything I created in my life because of what has happened this past year. I dont trust God enough to take a leap of faith anymore and just get back out there and be patient again. I have nothing... I am single no kids and no career or direction anymore. That never bothered me before because I knew in time God would make it all happen as long as I did my part. But here I am. I dont know what hes trying to say... Im getting closer to the age I knew in my heart everything would start unfolding but Im paralyzed by the thought that maybe I need to be a little bit more grounded and realistic. I always did my part but I made one mistake and tried to make it right and instead of listening to God I listened to human voices and direction. Some are very helpful but the negative ones seemed much more realistic because that is the life Ive known. I love my mother and dont want to walk away from her... I wouldnt even know where to go from here Im so messed up in my head right now and Im trying to really appreciate the moments Im missing right now while I waste time. I dont just want a life of money and a career I believe my purpose is to use my talents to make an impact its always been that way. I took my inspirations as a child very seriously... The people I learned form on television.. Martin Luther King, Michael Jackson, certain Presidents.. Women who made actions to change the world many people.. and somehow Ive come to this road where I feel lost and I dont know where to go from here.. and I feel like Im being sucked in the traditional way of life.
If I settle for traditional in wont be like normal people the only example I have for the traditional life is my mother who lived miserable hating everyone.. talking about everyone.. even talking bad about my SF.. and even her children.. She needs our help now and I feel like my life has been cut short and Im too afraid t go forward with it. My sister and I were always sucked in to think we needed to support her emotionally and financially.. I dont know how to hold in together and be that way to her.. because I NEED A MOTHER!!! She has a mother.. I have always needed a mother.. I always been that child who loves her mother very very much sometimes it went to a very unhealthy level.. and she has taken advantage of that..
I want to live a long healthy fulfilled life.. and I dont know how to do it now that things have changed. I feel like I shrunk so so low.. and the only thing that I enjoy is looking back because Im terrified of looking forward because of what the future of the past has become in the present. I want to get up start again but I feel like I have chains on my ankles. My only outlook is somewhere down the road I come to this SAME curve again. I dont think packing up and running away from this is what God wants me to do... I feel him just saying get back on your path and be patient but I dont want to trust him.
My childhood dreams arent material things... I mean I want to be very successful in a career but my biggest dream is to live my life from the inside that even if I lived in a broken down house with barely any money I would still see the blessing in it all. I have a huge imagination and anything to me I could turn into something great but in the back of my mind it has been my mother who will see what I have a put me down for it. My mother has tried several times as well to make things better but it got so bad that I dont want to give her another chance and if that means turning away from God I might have to but then Im terrified without him I wont believe in the impossible and settle for something less..
I value the small things and the mistakes because when I was younger my mom acted like everything was the end of the world... instead of fixing a problem she fell apart... When I moved into to help her she used my belief against me etc.
I know many of you will say that I have to get away from her but Id hate to think these years I spent growing and trying to build something with her went to waste when I could have been doing what I dreamed of doing.. Id like to know what I can possibly do. God has to really step in... Im the only who really takes him seriously in this family... Ive depended on him and come up very short.. I know there are many people who have before me as well only to turn the corner and find everything they've been waiting for... but This is reality and the more I stay in this position the more I feel Im fading into the crowd.. and my crowd is not a good crowd. I could settle for a good traditonal crowd but the ones Ive only ever known are not good ones.. They involve abuse, hate, drugs, addictions, etc.
Im sorry this is so long.. but I needed to release this maybe somewhere in this post I will find my answer... But God is going to have to step up because I am really losing it. Instead of living my life as if it were my last Im living my life as if its a long journey of torture and I hate that because there are people in far worse situations. Christmas is coming and I look forward to this holiday ever year to look back on what Ive accomplished this year... but the pressure from my mother that gives me the feeling that nothing is enough has left me to live very selfishly. Im stuck in my mind 24/7. I want out of it.
Please give me some kind of advice or wake up call to get through this.. and would God give up on me???????
I am trapped and imprisoned by this experience. I really dislike myself enough that I dont want to be me. Everyone else around me who doesnt take God so seriously is living a GOOD life and Im at the very bottom cause I keep striving for more out of life maybe Im asking for too much maybe I should just settle and accept whats given to me. I spent earlier years using that time appreciate the small things in life.. etc. Like God says to do otherwise we dont get the big things and I grew as a person so I could be a good enough person that I will not take for granted when the big things come. Those small things God wants us to appreciate I was never able to as a child because there was so much mental abuse in the family I resorted to running away or escaping into my mind. I said when I was older I would get out of here and do everything I ever wanted instead I stayed what was my plan was just a little Id stay. I know Im only 26 but Im slowly detaching from the world and everything I created in my life because of what has happened this past year. I dont trust God enough to take a leap of faith anymore and just get back out there and be patient again. I have nothing... I am single no kids and no career or direction anymore. That never bothered me before because I knew in time God would make it all happen as long as I did my part. But here I am. I dont know what hes trying to say... Im getting closer to the age I knew in my heart everything would start unfolding but Im paralyzed by the thought that maybe I need to be a little bit more grounded and realistic. I always did my part but I made one mistake and tried to make it right and instead of listening to God I listened to human voices and direction. Some are very helpful but the negative ones seemed much more realistic because that is the life Ive known. I love my mother and dont want to walk away from her... I wouldnt even know where to go from here Im so messed up in my head right now and Im trying to really appreciate the moments Im missing right now while I waste time. I dont just want a life of money and a career I believe my purpose is to use my talents to make an impact its always been that way. I took my inspirations as a child very seriously... The people I learned form on television.. Martin Luther King, Michael Jackson, certain Presidents.. Women who made actions to change the world many people.. and somehow Ive come to this road where I feel lost and I dont know where to go from here.. and I feel like Im being sucked in the traditional way of life.
If I settle for traditional in wont be like normal people the only example I have for the traditional life is my mother who lived miserable hating everyone.. talking about everyone.. even talking bad about my SF.. and even her children.. She needs our help now and I feel like my life has been cut short and Im too afraid t go forward with it. My sister and I were always sucked in to think we needed to support her emotionally and financially.. I dont know how to hold in together and be that way to her.. because I NEED A MOTHER!!! She has a mother.. I have always needed a mother.. I always been that child who loves her mother very very much sometimes it went to a very unhealthy level.. and she has taken advantage of that..
I want to live a long healthy fulfilled life.. and I dont know how to do it now that things have changed. I feel like I shrunk so so low.. and the only thing that I enjoy is looking back because Im terrified of looking forward because of what the future of the past has become in the present. I want to get up start again but I feel like I have chains on my ankles. My only outlook is somewhere down the road I come to this SAME curve again. I dont think packing up and running away from this is what God wants me to do... I feel him just saying get back on your path and be patient but I dont want to trust him.
My childhood dreams arent material things... I mean I want to be very successful in a career but my biggest dream is to live my life from the inside that even if I lived in a broken down house with barely any money I would still see the blessing in it all. I have a huge imagination and anything to me I could turn into something great but in the back of my mind it has been my mother who will see what I have a put me down for it. My mother has tried several times as well to make things better but it got so bad that I dont want to give her another chance and if that means turning away from God I might have to but then Im terrified without him I wont believe in the impossible and settle for something less..
I value the small things and the mistakes because when I was younger my mom acted like everything was the end of the world... instead of fixing a problem she fell apart... When I moved into to help her she used my belief against me etc.
I know many of you will say that I have to get away from her but Id hate to think these years I spent growing and trying to build something with her went to waste when I could have been doing what I dreamed of doing.. Id like to know what I can possibly do. God has to really step in... Im the only who really takes him seriously in this family... Ive depended on him and come up very short.. I know there are many people who have before me as well only to turn the corner and find everything they've been waiting for... but This is reality and the more I stay in this position the more I feel Im fading into the crowd.. and my crowd is not a good crowd. I could settle for a good traditonal crowd but the ones Ive only ever known are not good ones.. They involve abuse, hate, drugs, addictions, etc.
Im sorry this is so long.. but I needed to release this maybe somewhere in this post I will find my answer... But God is going to have to step up because I am really losing it. Instead of living my life as if it were my last Im living my life as if its a long journey of torture and I hate that because there are people in far worse situations. Christmas is coming and I look forward to this holiday ever year to look back on what Ive accomplished this year... but the pressure from my mother that gives me the feeling that nothing is enough has left me to live very selfishly. Im stuck in my mind 24/7. I want out of it.
Please give me some kind of advice or wake up call to get through this.. and would God give up on me???????