I've lost my virginity - now what?

[J_G94]

At the young age of 10 I was exposed to something that I till this day can't process.
I was raped. To be honest, I've been living in denial since, as at that stage I did not know ANYTHING about men and sex,etc. I honestly didn't know what had just happened to me. Till this day, I can't remember it. All I know is that I kept on telling him to stop and that he as hurting me. I was not processing as to what was really happening.

Up until this day, I am now 23 years old, I still haven't told my parents, I've only recently shared it with a close friend of mine.

Since then, 2004, I've been sleeping around and trying to justify what had happened to me. But the more I do it, the more I break, the more numb I am towards it. I don't enjoy it, I don't do it because it's "amazing" and "get pleasure" out of it, in fact I have never even had an [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse]. I do it because I feel a sense of control, a temporary feeling of feeling wanted.

On the 18th of October 2016 I gave my heart to Christ, it's been a beautiful journey ever since, I've been delivered from my past and I've since not slept with anyone. I am a born again Christian and I am saved by Him who loved me first.

The reason I am writing this, is that I tend to still feel guilty and get reminded of who I was, I sometimes feel unworthy. Does this feeling go away eventually? I have forgiven myself, but will I ever forget?

 

[Neal82]

Have you reported the person who raped you to the police?

 

[Big Drew]

First of all, I'm so sorry for what happened to you. Secondly, you are in my prayers.

When we first come to Christ this is when the enemy is at his strongest against us. Just like a child, you cannot defend yourself fully against this. But you have the strength of Christ and the saints in your corner. Pray without ceasing...surround yourself with godly influence...continue growing in your relationship with Christ, and things will get easier.

I can't say that it will go away completely...I've been a believer since 2000, and there are still things from time to time that come to mind that I did before coming to Christ, and I become filled with guilt or shame...but then I'm reminded that I'm not that person anymore, the old man is dead and I'm a new creation in Him.

God bless you.

 

[DaisyDay]

You might forget and you might not - generally, memory fades with time and, I hope, good experiences will push out the bad from your present thoughts. Acknowledging what happened and how it has affected you is a big deal - congratulations.

Forgiving yourself is a good first step, but you also have to remember to treat yourself with kindness and understanding.

 

[RC1970]

At the young age of 10 I was exposed to something that I till this day can't process.
I was raped. To be honest, I've been living in denial since, as at that stage I did not know ANYTHING about men and sex,etc. I honestly didn't know what had just happened to me. Till this day, I can't remember it. All I know is that I kept on telling him to stop and that he as hurting me. I was not processing as to what was really happening.

Up until this day, I am now 23 years old, I still haven't told my parents, I've only recently shared it with a close friend of mine.

Since then, 2004, I've been sleeping around and trying to justify what had happened to me. But the more I do it, the more I break, the more numb I am towards it. I don't enjoy it, I don't do it because it's "amazing" and "get pleasure" out of it, in fact I have never even had an [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse]. I do it because I feel a sense of control, a temporary feeling of feeling wanted.

On the 18th of October 2016 I gave my heart to Christ, it's been a beautiful journey ever since, I've been delivered from my past and I've since not slept with anyone. I am a born again Christian and I am saved by Him who loved me first.

The reason I am writing this, is that I tend to still feel guilty and get reminded of who I was, I sometimes feel unworthy. Does this feeling go away eventually? I have forgiven myself, but will I ever forget?

"Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words. And he who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God. And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose." ~ Romans 8:26-28

Become intimately familiar with the book of Romans. It was written for you.

 

[Solomons Porch]

Welcome to CF and I hope here u can find answers to questions u may have. I think alot of times it is harder for us to forget and forgive ourself. I think we all at some point r reminded of our past and think back on it in shame. It is a reminder to me of how much I have changed and how far I have come. People see me now and r thinking is she for real?? Thats the good thing, Yep Im for real. That is the testimony of Gods grace and forgiveness, it makes Him look more real to others as well, because the transformation is hard to believe. So I dont cover up my past, I use it as my testimony of Jesus and His great love. I hate this happened to u as a child and I pray that your life testimony will give God the glory. I think sometimes as women we use sex to get a feeling of being "loved and wanted" even when in reality it leaves us feeling empty inside. We trade that one moment for a temporary feeling of being "wanted and needed". You hang in there, read and pray, show the world thru your life how great an awesome God is. The next time ur past comes calling let it go to voicemail, it has nothing new to say

God Bless you

 

[Godlovesmetwo]

I don't feel qualified to advise. Only to say, get some professional help, some counselling. You owe it to yourself.

 

[geiroffenberg]

At the young age of 10 I was exposed to something that I till this day can't process.
I was raped. To be honest, I've been living in denial since, as at that stage I did not know ANYTHING about men and sex,etc. I honestly didn't know what had just happened to me. Till this day, I can't remember it. All I know is that I kept on telling him to stop and that he as hurting me. I was not processing as to what was really happening.

Up until this day, I am now 23 years old, I still haven't told my parents, I've only recently shared it with a close friend of mine.

Since then, 2004, I've been sleeping around and trying to justify what had happened to me. But the more I do it, the more I break, the more numb I am towards it. I don't enjoy it, I don't do it because it's "amazing" and "get pleasure" out of it, in fact I have never even had an [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse]. I do it because I feel a sense of control, a temporary feeling of feeling wanted.

On the 18th of October 2016 I gave my heart to Christ, it's been a beautiful journey ever since, I've been delivered from my past and I've since not slept with anyone. I am a born again Christian and I am saved by Him who loved me first.

The reason I am writing this, is that I tend to still feel guilty and get reminded of who I was, I sometimes feel unworthy. Does this feeling go away eventually? I have forgiven myself, but will I ever forget?

without going into the pedophilia rape...a whole terrible chapter by itself...i understand your question is about getting out of guilt.

Any emotion of guilt for anything done ouside of christ, is just a emotion and yes by a right understanding of the atonement you can definitly reach a state of totally freedom from all condemnation.
ITs not that difficult, it is in fact the first step for a mature spiritual life. It comes trough understanding righteouesness by faith, and there is a point where that whole revelation goes from being just a doctrine in the head that we believe in to a inner awareness. I real knowing!
You know, know, know, that it is all true, that person your really are in the inside, the spiritual you, is 100% sinless and risen from the dead, can not ever again be condemned.... its jsut that our carnal mind hasnt got the message yet. THATS ALL IT IS. Thats why we feel guilt. Its not real conscience, its jsut an emtion driven by our thought life. Deep in the spirit, there is no condemnation.
It is maybe the biggest victory a beliver can have to get to this point, it certainly is for me, and many feels such a freedom here that they think heaven has come in all its fulness!
But it actually is just the beginning.
Its in the state of ongoing identification with the redeemed sons of god that we really are, that the blessing really can start to come to us. Becasue there is no more doubt and shadows in our mind hidering.
It took me many years to get to that basic understanding of this, but thats because im really slow. You can probably get there much much faster. Luther helped me a lot, actually, but also a few others modern teachers, i didnt get there jsut by my own thinking.

 

[Greg J.]

...
The reason I am writing this, is that I tend to still feel guilty and get reminded of who I was, I sometimes feel unworthy. Does this feeling go away eventually? I have forgiven myself, but will I ever forget?

Welcome to CF!

Psychologically, a lot has probably resulted that you need to unravel with a Christian psychologist (they advertise), or it will turn into things like depression (typically in middle-age; which can make you non-functional/disabled).

You can definitely be completely free of all of it through Jesus Christ. Study Scripture, believe it, and obey it as a permanent pattern for your life; this will draw you closer to the Lord, and he will draw closer to you.

 

[Saucy]

Hello and welcome to CF

I'm so sorry you've endured that. I also was raped at a very young age and it has impacted me as an adult. I've done a lot of things I'm not proud of and acted in certain ways, not even realizing I was doing it, but just acting out because of how numb I was, but it wasn't just numbness either. A lot of people go through promiscuous phases after sexual assault and rape.

The thing for you to do is to get your mindset right. You might think it's disingenuous to consider yourself a virgin, as you regularly and willingly had sex from the age of 10 onward, but you were never really into it. You never felt pleasure from it and it wasn't about having sex because you're just wild and free. It was an important part of your journey getting you to Christ. There was a woman in the bible who messed around with 5 different men and Christ was the only one who was nice to her. He saw value in her and she became one of the most important figures in all of the bible. He sees value in you too.

It seems to me like you were set free from that bondage. You've given your heart to the Lord and you're now a new creation. You get a fresh start, so start thinking like it. Tell yourself that everything that happened was for a reason, for a season, and now it's time for the new you to shine. Consider yourself a virgin again until you actually have sex with someone you want to be with, when it actually counts to you.

At least now you can get away from that lifestyle and continue to heal and have normal, healthy relationships with men.

 

[Jeshu]

At the young age of 10 I was exposed to something that I till this day can't process.
I was raped. To be honest, I've been living in denial since, as at that stage I did not know ANYTHING about men and sex,etc. I honestly didn't know what had just happened to me. Till this day, I can't remember it. All I know is that I kept on telling him to stop and that he as hurting me. I was not processing as to what was really happening.

Up until this day, I am now 23 years old, I still haven't told my parents, I've only recently shared it with a close friend of mine.

Since then, 2004, I've been sleeping around and trying to justify what had happened to me. But the more I do it, the more I break, the more numb I am towards it. I don't enjoy it, I don't do it because it's "amazing" and "get pleasure" out of it, in fact I have never even had an [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse]. I do it because I feel a sense of control, a temporary feeling of feeling wanted.

On the 18th of October 2016 I gave my heart to Christ, it's been a beautiful journey ever since, I've been delivered from my past and I've since not slept with anyone. I am a born again Christian and I am saved by Him who loved me first.

The reason I am writing this, is that I tend to still feel guilty and get reminded of who I was, I sometimes feel unworthy. Does this feeling go away eventually? I have forgiven myself, but will I ever forget?

The issue with you, as it was with me because of the same thing that happened to you, is that this person(s) put bad life into you and this has shaped you and turned you into the person you are today. As you have seen the bad life put into you produed a lot of bad life which is now also in you.

True Jesus has forgiven you but now you have to forgive yourself, and the person who did this to you and bit by bit, as it comes up to be dealt with, plus don't dig up things that have been dealt with, it is not good to be a grave digger, rather bury the dead - where the vultures are, where you feel bad about yourself or what you have done or have become! bury the dead but tend the wounded and the dying and rebuild your inner world/life with Christ and in Christ.

So I advise you to seek a good Christian councilor - someone who bases their support on getting you past the barriers of talking about the horrible event of the past with JESUS - so that all of the crap/push comes out of the hurting wounds you still got. This is not grave digging but much rather burying the dead bodies. Digging up dead bodies is to bring back up what has been dealt with (buried in other words,) while burying the bodies is going to those place in you where the vultures are - shame, guilt, confusion, deception, corruption, perversion of right and so much fear lives there - the place where the wrong lives inside of you - and this list of bad emotions are but some of the vultures evil bring around and Jesus speaks about. for each time someone sins against us bad life is forced upon us and kills our good life and takes over in such a part of ourselves and we need to be cleansed by Jesus and His loving truth big time!


Honest this is a very long process - totaling 1000 years in total according to the book of Revelation. It is the dying off the bad life in us and the coming to life in the new that is important. This is a daily process and very awesome to be part of. For eating God's grace is very best for us hurting people.

So please remember you have been forgiven and Jesus is not angry if sin still lives in you because of what happened, but would certainly love it if you would go to Him to let Him cleanse you and set you free from the horrible damage that has been done to you. When the horrible event that happened begins to bless you and others then you know that Jesus has been and you are free from the sin put upon you there.

So please never heed/follow guilt or your guilty conscience unless you bow down to God through Jesus Christ, the devil is behind all of that otherwise, heeding the accuser will bring you greatest desolation in The End, but eating God's grace will set you free from your sins. (speaking out of experience here.) In The truth guilt is there to tell us that wrong lives in us and that things are not right but in wrong it will not tell us how to get free from a guilty conscious but rather fries us without mercy or grace - satan the destroyer for you. Therefore grace is what you need to eat, and grace is what you have to dish out.

Eat and drink grace my dear. The more of God's love you get into you, and the more of God's love your share around, the more good life will transform the bad life in you and set you free from its horrible powers. Just make sure you openly go to Jesus with your sinful self - and let Him heal you from the horrible wrong inflicted on you and don't hate yourself because of the way you turned out to be, but rather understand that Jesus loved you even while you were a sinner so do the same and walk with Jesus and in Jesus and He shall transform you anew - time and again - until The Last Day!

Do seek help.

Much love.

Hurting the past?
I know that where the vultures fly
betrays the place to go in haste
for with the slain laying all around
birds of prey will be hopping about.

With crooked beaks pecking dead flesh
with the maggots crawling through it
stinking rotting bodies lay unburied
no R.I.P but predators to meet.

Its best to dig a grave down the dirt
and bury the decaying matter deep
marking the spot one of saddest pain
and grow a few nice fruit trees there.