I've Blashphemed the Holy Spirit. What now?

[bathelter01]

So I know this is probably not a shocking title and that it's probably common to see a post like this. However, I've been struggling for some years over my possible loss of salvation. You may have seen my posts in the past. I'll link them below for those who would be interested. They may give a more robust explanation of what has happened.

Has my sin killed me spiritually? Loss of salvation
What to do when you are beyond repentance?

The short of it is as follows:
I became a believer around the age of 10 and saw a stark change in my life and desires. Hatred towards sin and love and desire for Christ. Shortly after I was exposed to inappropriate contentography and formed an addiction. The following 17 years were an up and down dealing with addiction and the Lord drawing me back to repentance.
Until 2 years ago. I had been in a pit of sin and despair hating my sin and crying out to the Lord to free me from it but being, seemingly, unable to escape it for long. I had good moments of repentance during that time but I would always inevitable fall back into my sin. I would like to point out that this was not a time of me walking away from Christ in a knowing sense. It was a time of gripping Christ, struggling/falling, repenting, gripping Christ and struggling/falling. During that time I had just started seminary but was still struggling in my thought life and occasionally on the internet.
One night I fell to temptation and felt no remorse or brokenness. It was shocking and horrifying. I sinned and felt no conviction over it. I spent the rest of the night in prayer trying to repent and felt that I could not. Unable to feel broken over sin or that what I had done was a problem.
The next morning I woke up and began seeking the Lord about what had happened filled with an intense sense of deep, deep anxiety about my relationship with the Lord. During a time of prayer I felt, what seemed to me, the departing of the Holy Spirit. The reason I believe this to be true is because of the state of my heart and mind afterwords. My heart felt like a stone in my chest and I felt no love or desire for the Lord. My sin didn't seem to be a big deal to me anymore. I opened my bible and it looked like words on a page. It seemed that I no longer believed the Scriptures anymore no matter how hard I fought to. I knew experientially that they were true but there was not heart level belief. It was like I had undergone a de-renewing of my mind and heart. My thoughts were wicked and I had no regard for the Lord. It seemed as though he had left me completely. There was no work of the Holy Spirit occurring in my life. The Word was not illuminated, I was not convicted of sin and I felt a horrible fear of destruction. The most visceral fear of condemnation.
Two years later nothing has changed. At that time this began I had resolved that I would not continue in sin and that I would continue to submit to the Lord even if he had left me. I resolved to live what was rest of my life to the glory of God but that has become difficult in the lack of desire to do so. It does not seem possible to remain faithful to the Lord apart from the Holy Spirit's work to impart those desires. I have no desire to run head long into sin but I also do not desire the Lord.

I ran across these 2 articles last night and I believe they speak to my situation. I'm not sure what to do now.
What Is the Unforgivable Sin?
Beyond Forgiveness: Blasphemy Against the Spirit

The thing that stuck out to me was,
"The unforgivable sin is when you have resisted him so decisively that he has forsaken you and you can no longer repent. You try to repent and you can't repent. You can't be genuinely sorry for your sin or turn away from it. That is a horribly frightening situation to be in."

RC Sproul quoted a theologian saying, "To be sure, hell will be awful for both, but as one theologian has noted, all the sinners in hell would move heaven and earth if they could remove but one transgression from their record and have their punishment even barely alleviated."

Everything in my life points to this reality and I'm not sure how to move forward. My desires to remain faithful to the Lord have departed and I cannot continue if the Spirit does not empower. If there is no returning of the Holy Spirit because I have blasphemed though persistence in sin, what then should one do? Would it not be most profitable in my situation to remove myself from this life for the sake of my eternity?

 

[98cwitr]

"I spent the rest of the night in prayer trying[...]"

What possessed you to do that?

 

[bathelter01]

"I spent the rest of the night in prayer trying[...]"

What possessed you to do that?

Fear that I would lose Christ. He was my life. There's no life apart from him.

 

[98cwitr]

Fear that I would lose Christ. He was my life. There's no life apart from him.

I would assume that those who are truly fallen, and have no chance of repenting, would have no fear of God left. The devil has, by that point, completely consumed their hearts. You making this post shows your concern, so I don't fully believe that you are too far gone. That said, according to Hebrews 10 and 1 John 3 and 5, you may need still need rebirth. Have you ever been reborn?

Look at these examples: BibleGateway - Keyword Search: fear lord

 

[bathelter01]

Yeah, I don't really doubt that I was a believer. I had a false conversion experience when I was about 7 and then came to Christ when I was about 10. The reason I feel that it was a true birth is because of how deeply the Lord changed me and changed my desires. I hated sin and desired him from the heart. I don't think it's a situation of I never was a Christian, but that, like the article articulated, there is a persistence in sin that leads to spiritual death, and I did that.

 

[Maria Billingsley]

The thing that stuck out to me was,
"The unforgivable sin is when you have resisted him so decisively that he has forsaken you and you can no longer repent. You try to repent and you can't repent. You can't be genuinely sorry for your sin or turn away from it. That is a horribly frightening situation to be in."

Your quote sounds like it came from a Calvinist, which I am not one. So I will give you a different way to understand the unforgivable sin. God will never forsake anyone if they in fact choose to follow Him. He will not intentionally block the ability of someone so they can not repent and come to know Him. In His words:

1 Therefore I exhort first of all that supplications, prayers, intercessions, and giving of thanks be made for all men, 2 for kings and all who are in authority, that we may lead a quiet and peaceable life in all godliness and reverence. 3 For this is good and acceptable in the sight of God our Savior, 4 who desires all men to be saved and to come to the knowledge of the truth. 5 For there is one God and one Mediator between God and men, the Man Christ Jesus, 6 who gave Himself a ransom for all, to be testified in due time, 7 for which I was appointed a preacher and an apostle—I am speaking the truth in Christ and not lying—a teacher of the Gentiles in faith and truth.

 

[Jord Simcha]

The thing that stuck out to me was,
"The unforgivable sin is when you have resisted him so decisively that he has forsaken you and you can no longer repent. You try to repent and you can't repent. You can't be genuinely sorry for your sin or turn away from it. That is a horribly frightening situation to be in."

Resisting isn't the same as blasphemy.

I don't agree with the quote.

I don't think you did anything unforgiveable.

 

[Aussie Pete]

So I know this is probably not a shocking title and that it's probably common to see a post like this. However, I've been struggling for some years over my possible loss of salvation. You may have seen my posts in the past. I'll link them below for those who would be interested. They may give a more robust explanation of what has happened.

Has my sin killed me spiritually? Loss of salvation
What to do when you are beyond repentance?

The short of it is as follows:
I became a believer around the age of 10 and saw a stark change in my life and desires. Hatred towards sin and love and desire for Christ. Shortly after I was exposed to inappropriate contentography and formed an addiction. The following 17 years were an up and down dealing with addiction and the Lord drawing me back to repentance.
Until 2 years ago. I had been in a pit of sin and despair hating my sin and crying out to the Lord to free me from it but being, seemingly, unable to escape it for long. I had good moments of repentance during that time but I would always inevitable fall back into my sin. I would like to point out that this was not a time of me walking away from Christ in a knowing sense. It was a time of gripping Christ, struggling/falling, repenting, gripping Christ and struggling/falling. During that time I had just started seminary but was still struggling in my thought life and occasionally on the internet.
One night I fell to temptation and felt no remorse or brokenness. It was shocking and horrifying. I sinned and felt no conviction over it. I spent the rest of the night in prayer trying to repent and felt that I could not. Unable to feel broken over sin or that what I had done was a problem.
The next morning I woke up and began seeking the Lord about what had happened filled with an intense sense of deep, deep anxiety about my relationship with the Lord. During a time of prayer I felt, what seemed to me, the departing of the Holy Spirit. The reason I believe this to be true is because of the state of my heart and mind afterwords. My heart felt like a stone in my chest and I felt no love or desire for the Lord. My sin didn't seem to be a big deal to me anymore. I opened my bible and it looked like words on a page. It seemed that I no longer believed the Scriptures anymore no matter how hard I fought to. I knew experientially that they were true but there was not heart level belief. It was like I had undergone a de-renewing of my mind and heart. My thoughts were wicked and I had no regard for the Lord. It seemed as though he had left me completely. There was no work of the Holy Spirit occurring in my life. The Word was not illuminated, I was not convicted of sin and I felt a horrible fear of destruction. The most visceral fear of condemnation.
Two years later nothing has changed. At that time this began I had resolved that I would not continue in sin and that I would continue to submit to the Lord even if he had left me. I resolved to live what was rest of my life to the glory of God but that has become difficult in the lack of desire to do so. It does not seem possible to remain faithful to the Lord apart from the Holy Spirit's work to impart those desires. I have no desire to run head long into sin but I also do not desire the Lord.

I ran across these 2 articles last night and I believe they speak to my situation. I'm not sure what to do now.
What Is the Unforgivable Sin?
Beyond Forgiveness: Blasphemy Against the Spirit

The thing that stuck out to me was,
"The unforgivable sin is when you have resisted him so decisively that he has forsaken you and you can no longer repent. You try to repent and you can't repent. You can't be genuinely sorry for your sin or turn away from it. That is a horribly frightening situation to be in."

RC Sproul quoted a theologian saying, "To be sure, hell will be awful for both, but as one theologian has noted, all the sinners in hell would move heaven and earth if they could remove but one transgression from their record and have their punishment even barely alleviated."

Everything in my life points to this reality and I'm not sure how to move forward. My desires to remain faithful to the Lord have departed and I cannot continue if the Spirit does not empower. If there is no returning of the Holy Spirit because I have blasphemed though persistence in sin, what then should one do? Would it not be most profitable in my situation to remove myself from this life for the sake of my eternity?

Your life is not yours to choose when it ends. Don't make a bad situation worse.

I got in a state something like yours. I was terrified. I could not see a way out and I started driving like a madman, not caring if I lived or died. One of the problems was that I was looking at myself, as if there was something that I needed to do to be saved. No. It has already been done. I got free by pleading the precious blood of Christ, confessing that I was wrong and asking God to create in me a clean heart and renew a right spirit within me.

When we sin, we defile our conscience. When our conscience is defiled, our spirit becomes inactive and weak. We are separated from God and we lose the joy that is our strength. When David asked God to restore him, he also asked God to restore to him the joy of his salvation.

Your salvation does not depend on you one bit. Boy did I have to learn that the hard way. All mankind has already been saved. We only have to accept. Agree with God's judgement! We do not just sin, we are sinners by nature, rotten to the core. Your faithfulness to God is worthless. Depend on God's faithfulness to you! Oh God how I long for the day when His people learn just to lean entirely on Christ and what He has done for us. "God be merciful to me a sinner" That's all it takes. Let God save you. He loves you no matter what.

 

[Mathetes66]

You have been trusting IN YOURSELF & not in Christ to deliver you because He promises DELIVERANCE by His grace & faith IN HIM. Christ doesn't lie about this.

You have now hardened your heart & are a slave to sin. You are bound in the cord of your sins & reaping the consequences of sinning against a holy God. Your heart has become callous & God has turned you over to your continued desire to sin against Him. You are storing up wrath for the judgment.

You may have seared your conscience & you have definitely grieved & quenched the Holy Spirit because of your continued pattern to sin against a holy God.

Your only hope is to repent & obey God whether you FEEL LIKE IT OR NOT. Faith is not based on feelings but based on obedience to Christ. Stop making provision for the flesh, to gratify YOUR DESIRES. If your computer is your problem with continued sexual sin, get rid of it. Spend time reading the book of Romans, especially ch. six through eight, over & over again, WHETHER YOU FEEL LIKE IT OR NOT. You have a will to choose.

You probably have isolated yourself due to your desire to sin. You need to stop isolating & place yourself under the accountability of other Christians & Christian leaders & shepherds, who can hold you accountable & help you return to a state of doing deeds in keeping with your repentance. That is what the body of Christ is for & designed to do.

I have prayed for you. One who lives in desperate times & sinful lifestyle, calls for desperate measures to change. You are under God's discipline. It is not pleasant. Repent & return to your first love. Do the deeds you did at the beginning. Reading the book of Revelation gives a promise that you will be blessed it you keep reading it. Do it whether you feel like it or not.

Revelation 1:3 Blessed is the one who reads aloud the words of this prophecy & blessed are those who hear & obey what is written in it, because the time is near.

 

[paul1149]

For if our heart condemns us, God is greater than our heart, and knows all things. -1John 3:20
​

The Word says that if you confess, God will both forgive and cleanse. And it says He is just in doing so because of the atoning sacrifice of Christ on our behalf.

I don't believe God is going to deny someone Life because he made a mistake, even a big mistake. If you can repent, you can be forgiven. I would say to repent and confess, and then walk in the light you have. All the stewardship parables teach that greater light will be given, and one even tells us to be faithful in unrighteous riches.

I just posted on one of the difficult verses in Hebrews, if you want to check my posting history.

 

[BobRyan]

So I know this is probably not a shocking title and that it's probably common to see a post like this. However, I've been struggling for some years over my possible loss of salvation. You may have seen my posts in the past. I'll link them below for those who would be interested.

1. The work of the Holy Spirit is to "convict of sin, righteousness and judgment". Do you feel convicted?
2. The work of the Holy Spirit is to lead to repentance and intercede - do you feel the need of repentance? do you pray the prayer of repentance?
3. The work of the Holy Spirit is to provide the fruit of the Sprit for those willing to praise God "in faith" for what He has done for them? Do you feel grateful?

Satan's work is to teach us day after day to "doubt the gospel" ,... "doubt our forgiveness" .. "doubt that God can rescue such a one as me".

If you find yourself convicted of sin - then don't let Satan fool you.. you are under conviction so be joyful that the Holy Spirit "has your back".

If you find yourself coming to God in repentance then constantly doubting God - then claim Bible promises against Satan's "you must doubt God suggestions".

If you find that you are drawn BACK from God time after time.. drawn back into habits/practices of rebellion that then lead you to doubt your forgiveness then...
1. Repent.
2. replace the worldly entertainment in your life - with Christian music and inspired writing such as the Bible.

 

[bathelter01]

1. The work of the Holy Spirit is to "convict of sin, righteousness and judgment". Do you feel convicted?
2. The work of the Holy Spirit is to lead to repentance and intercede - do you feel the need of repentance? do you pray the prayer of repentance?
3. The work of the Holy Spirit is to provide the fruit of the Spirit for those willing to praise God "in faith" for what He has done for them? Do you feel grateful?

Satan's work is to teach us day after day to "doubt the gospel" ,... "doubt our forgiveness" .. "doubt that God can rescue such a one as me".

If you find yourself convicted of sin - then don't let Satan fool you.. you are under conviction so be joyful that the Holy Spirit "has your back".

If you find yourself coming to God in repentance then constantly doubting God - then claim Bible promises against Satan's "you must doubt God suggestions".

If you find that you are drawn BACK from God time after time.. drawn back into habits/practices of rebellion that then lead you to doubt your forgiveness then...
1. Repent.
2. replace the worldly entertainment in your life - with Christian music and inspired writing such as the Bible.

1. No. My conviction of sin is no more.
2. No. I feel no need to repent but I know that I need to so I have tried my best to continue doing it. But I am not finding restoration when doing so.
3. No. I do not feel grateful. I haven't felt much of anything except anger and hatred since the Spirit departed.

Thank you for your words.

 

[bathelter01]

You have been trusting IN YOURSELF & not in Christ to deliver you because He promises DELIVERANCE by His grace & faith IN HIM. Christ doesn't lie about this.

You have now hardened your heart & are a slave to sin. You are bound in the cord of your sins & reaping the consequences of sinning against a holy God. Your heart has become callous & God has turned you over to your continued desire to sin against Him. You are storing up wrath for the judgment.

You may have seared your conscience & you have definitely grieved & quenched the Holy Spirit because of your continued pattern to sin against a holy God.

Your only hope is to repent & obey God whether you FEEL LIKE IT OR NOT. Faith is not based on feelings but based on obedience to Christ. Stop making provision for the flesh, to gratify YOUR DESIRES. If your computer is your problem with continued sexual sin, get rid of it. Spend time reading the book of Romans, especially ch. six through eight, over & over again, WHETHER YOU FEEL LIKE IT OR NOT. You have a will to choose.

You probably have isolated yourself due to your desire to sin. You need to stop isolating & place yourself under the accountability of other Christians & Christian leaders & shepherds, who can hold you accountable & help you return to a state of doing deeds in keeping with your repentance. That is what the body of Christ is for & designed to do.

I have prayed for you. One who lives in desperate times & sinful lifestyle, calls for desperate measures to change. You are under God's discipline. It is not pleasant. Repent & return to your first love. Do the deeds you did at the beginning. Reading the book of Revelation gives a promise that you will be blessed it you keep reading it. Do it whether you feel like it or not.

Revelation 1:3 Blessed is the one who reads aloud the words of this prophecy & blessed are those who hear & obey what is written in it, because the time is near.

I agree.
I've been fighting to continue in prayer and in Scripture reading for the last 2 years. Nothing has changed though. Not a bit. That's why I've been so confident that I've crossed to the point of no return. I'm more so asking what to do now that I have.

 

[DennisTate]

So I know this is probably not a shocking title and that it's probably common to see a post like this. However, I've been struggling for some years over my possible loss of salvation. You may have seen my posts in the past. I'll link them below for those who would be interested. They may give a more robust explanation of what has happened.

Has my sin killed me spiritually? Loss of salvation
What to do when you are beyond repentance?

The short of it is as follows:
I became a believer around the age of 10 and saw a stark change in my life and desires. Hatred towards sin and love and desire for Christ. Shortly after I was exposed to inappropriate contentography and formed an addiction. The following 17 years were an up and down dealing with addiction and the Lord drawing me back to repentance.
Until 2 years ago. I had been in a pit of sin and despair hating my sin and crying out to the Lord to free me from it but being, seemingly, unable to escape it for long. I had good moments of repentance during that time but I would always inevitable fall back into my sin. I would like to point out that this was not a time of me walking away from Christ in a knowing sense. It was a time of gripping Christ, struggling/falling, repenting, gripping Christ and struggling/falling. During that time I had just started seminary but was still struggling in my thought life and occasionally on the internet.
One night I fell to temptation and felt no remorse or brokenness. It was shocking and horrifying. I sinned and felt no conviction over it. I spent the rest of the night in prayer trying to repent and felt that I could not. Unable to feel broken over sin or that what I had done was a problem.
The next morning I woke up and began seeking the Lord about what had happened filled with an intense sense of deep, deep anxiety about my relationship with the Lord. During a time of prayer I felt, what seemed to me, the departing of the Holy Spirit. The reason I believe this to be true is because of the state of my heart and mind afterwords. My heart felt like a stone in my chest and I felt no love or desire for the Lord. My sin didn't seem to be a big deal to me anymore. I opened my bible and it looked like words on a page. It seemed that I no longer believed the Scriptures anymore no matter how hard I fought to. I knew experientially that they were true but there was not heart level belief. It was like I had undergone a de-renewing of my mind and heart. My thoughts were wicked and I had no regard for the Lord. It seemed as though he had left me completely. There was no work of the Holy Spirit occurring in my life. The Word was not illuminated, I was not convicted of sin and I felt a horrible fear of destruction. The most visceral fear of condemnation.
Two years later nothing has changed. At that time this began I had resolved that I would not continue in sin and that I would continue to submit to the Lord even if he had left me. I resolved to live what was rest of my life to the glory of God but that has become difficult in the lack of desire to do so. It does not seem possible to remain faithful to the Lord apart from the Holy Spirit's work to impart those desires. I have no desire to run head long into sin but I also do not desire the Lord.

I ran across these 2 articles last night and I believe they speak to my situation. I'm not sure what to do now.
What Is the Unforgivable Sin?
Beyond Forgiveness: Blasphemy Against the Spirit

The thing that stuck out to me was,
"The unforgivable sin is when you have resisted him so decisively that he has forsaken you and you can no longer repent. You try to repent and you can't repent. You can't be genuinely sorry for your sin or turn away from it. That is a horribly frightening situation to be in."

RC Sproul quoted a theologian saying, "To be sure, hell will be awful for both, but as one theologian has noted, all the sinners in hell would move heaven and earth if they could remove but one transgression from their record and have their punishment even barely alleviated."

Everything in my life points to this reality and I'm not sure how to move forward. My desires to remain faithful to the Lord have departed and I cannot continue if the Spirit does not empower. If there is no returning of the Holy Spirit because I have blasphemed though persistence in sin, what then should one do? Would it not be most profitable in my situation to remove myself from this life for the sake of my eternity?

I am sixty years old and I've been a Christian for forty seven years and I am 99 percent certain that you have NOT committed the unpardonable sin.

Look at what Pastor Rick Joyner reports going through at the 10:49 minute mark in his book The Call. This is the text video:

 

[bathelter01]

Your life is not yours to choose when it ends. Don't make a bad situation worse.

I got in a state something like yours. I was terrified. I could not see a way out and I started driving like a madman, not caring if I lived or died. One of the problems was that I was looking at myself, as if there was something that I needed to do to be saved. No. It has already been done. I got free by pleading the precious blood of Christ, confessing that I was wrong and asking God to create in me a clean heart and renew a right spirit within me.

When we sin, we defile our conscience. When our conscience is defiled, our spirit becomes inactive and weak. We are separated from God and we lose the joy that is our strength. When David asked God to restore him, he also asked God to restore to him the joy of his salvation.

Your salvation does not depend on you one bit. Boy did I have to learn that the hard way. All mankind has already been saved. We only have to accept. Agree with God's judgement! We do not just sin, we are sinners by nature, rotten to the core. Your faithfulness to God is worthless. Depend on God's faithfulness to you! Oh God how I long for the day when His people learn just to lean entirely on Christ and what He has done for us. "God be merciful to me a sinner" That's all it takes. Let God save you. He loves you no matter what.

Thank you for your response.
I would agree with what you're saying, however, I see Esau's example and conclude that there is a point of no return. Where Esau sought repentance but it was denied him. I don't think it was because God refused him but because he could not legitimately repent due to the hardening of his heart. He couldn't produce real repentance.
But even after years of trying to repent and return to the Lord, there has been no movement. I see that my situation is the same. I'm unable to produce real repentance. So I find myself not knowing what to do now. I can't live as an enemy to God. If he has left me, he's just to do so, but I must make a decision now. If the Spirit has left, and it has, is each sin making my eternity more unbearable. If so, and I am beyond repentance, would it not be eternally wiser to make myself unable to sin again?

 

[bathelter01]

I am sixty years old and I've been a Christian for forty seven years and I am 99 percent certain that you have NOT committed the unpardonable sin.

Look at what Pastor Rick Joyner reports going through at the 10:49 minute mark in his book The Call. This is the text video:

What would have to be true for someone to have committed the unpardonable sin? I mean, what would it look like for that person practically? What would their daily existence look like?

 

[DennisTate]

What would have to be true for someone to have committed the unpardonable sin? I mean, what would it look like for that person practically? What would their daily existence look like?

I believe that I and my old church were getting close when we bragged how much better we were than all other churches and when we falsely accused Pentecostals of self hypnosis through repetition of words like Hallelluyah......... which we taught got them into an altered state of consciousness and opened the door to the dark side of the force.

I think that extreme pride and accusation of other denominations is coming close to blasphemy against the Holy Spirit because if a Pentecostal pastor has a miracle after applying James chapter 5........ it was like we were hinting that the miracle must have been from Baalzebub....... much as the Scribes and Pharisees had accused Messiah Yeshua -Jesus of doing.

 

[BobRyan]

1. No. My conviction of sin is no more.
2. No. I feel no need to repent but I know that I need to so I have tried my best to continue doing it. But I am not finding restoration when doing so.
3. No. I do not feel grateful. I haven't felt much of anything except anger and hatred since the Spirit departed.

Thank you for your words.

And yet you are here as if lamenting.
Have you thought about that?

Can you seriously say that when you do something that you know is wrong - and will get you hell/lake-of-fire as your reward - you don't feel like it was wrong to do it?? seriously?

Here is what the Bible says pagans know..
Romans 1
28 And just as they did not see fit to acknowledge God any longer, God gave them over to a depraved mind, to do those things which are not proper, 29 being filled with all unrighteousness, wickedness, greed, evil; full of envy, murder, strife, deceit, malice; they are gossips, 30 slanderers, haters of God, insolent, arrogant, boastful, inventors of evil, disobedient to parents, 31 without understanding, untrustworthy, unloving, unmerciful; 32 and although they know the ordinance of God, that those who practice such things are worthy of death, they not only do the same, but also give hearty approval to those who practice them.

Those pagans then get converted to Christianity as Paul points out in Romans 11 and in Galatians 4.

 

[BobRyan]

Thank you for your response.
I would agree with what you're saying, however, I see Esau's example and conclude that there is a point of no return. Where Esau sought repentance but it was denied him. I don't think it was because God refused him but because he could not legitimately repent due to the hardening of his heart. He couldn't produce real repentance.
But even after years of trying to repent and return to the Lord, there has been no movement. I see that my situation is the same. I'm unable to produce real repentance. So I find myself not knowing what to do now. I can't live as an enemy to God. If he has left me, he's just to do so, but I must make a decision now. If the Spirit has left, and it has, is each sin making my eternity more unbearable. If so, and I am beyond repentance, would it not be eternally wiser to make myself unable to sin again?

Repentance is not something we produce.

 

[bathelter01]

And yet you are here as if lamenting.
Have you thought about that?

Can you seriously say that when you do something that you know is wrong - and will get you hell/lake-of-fire as your reward - you don't feel like it was wrong to do it?? seriously?

Here is what the Bible says pagans know..
Romans 1
28 And just as they did not see fit to acknowledge God any longer, God gave them over to a depraved mind, to do those things which are not proper, 29 being filled with all unrighteousness, wickedness, greed, evil; full of envy, murder, strife, deceit, malice; they are gossips, 30 slanderers, haters of God, insolent, arrogant, boastful, inventors of evil, disobedient to parents, 31 without understanding, untrustworthy, unloving, unmerciful; 32 and although they know the ordinance of God, that those who practice such things are worthy of death, they not only do the same, but also give hearty approval to those who practice them.

Those pagans then get converted to Christianity as Paul points out in Romans 11 and in Galatians 4.

Good questions.

I want to be clear about the state I'm in. I am not lamenting. Lamenting would signify a brokenness over what is being lamented over. I'm not saying that I do not want to be lamenting. I want to be crying my eyes out over my sin against the Lord. But I am not. I am being honest about my sin to show how my sin has caused the loss of my relationship with the Lord. Hopefully someone else can read this and take their sin seriously before it's too late.

In regards to your second question, no I definitely can say that when I sin, I can feel the condemnation for it at times. Not always. But what I'm feeling is the proverbial crushing of my insides, chest tightening anxiety associated with knowing that there is hell to pay for this. When I sin the first thing I do is confess my sin the Lord and ask him to forgive me. However, I am not broken over my sin from the heart. It is only head knowledge now.

Does that make sense?