- Nov 3, 2004
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Hi, it's been a long time since I have been on CF. And a lot of changes have happened since then. Sorry for the long post.
I have been recently diagnosed as type 2 bipolar. My dad was probably type 1 (not diagnosed but from the description of stuff he did it seems likely). I am on Quentiapin Orifarm (basically a thing to help sleep, with a light mood stabliser on top). Parents seperated when I was 9.
Anyway, not sure in some ways what to say. Basically I seem to be destroying my life and cannot escape doing it. I've had the most amazing girlfriend around 2 years ago, and we broke up around a year ago. It's not just saying she was amazing from being love sick... just she was and is, considering all the stuff she has been through and who she is. We've been good friends since. Basically we split up because of getting very close to sex too many times (or having it, depending on what you count as it). But that's not the issue I'm writing on. The other reason was my mood swings. I wasn't diagnosed at that time, and didn't know my dad was bipolar either.
It was a result of me sometimes being very much into the relationship (thinking I would be happy to marry her), but occasionally just completely tuning out of the relationship and having no feelings at all for her. I also made the mistake of telling her that during these times. So she saw I had problems, but stayed by me through so much. However we decided to end the relationship because of me needing to fix my stuff with God and myself.
I think this might have caused mood swings, and it didn't help that sometimes we were close to "going out" in behaviour. But sometimes she would pull back etc. At one point this basically ended up with me being close to suicide (although I don't think I would have done it in the end) for the first time in my life. Taking out a knife and thinking it would be easier for others if I did it. Thankfully it was in her house, and she came and saw me. So I went to the hospital and was keep in a pysciatric hospital voluntarily (but strongly recommended). There I was diagonsed with bipolar. This was in many ways a relief, as a lot of stuff made more sense. Stupid decisions, why I could change moods so quickly etc. But some of the time it's been a diagnosis I want to avoid, as it basically means I am stuck like this, it's not just problems from the past.
Anyway! It's been quite up and down recently. Work isn't the best, and I don't have many good friends here. Those that I do have are good friends of my ex first, so I can't share so much with them. And I am pretty bad at doing friendships with people. I aam just too up and down, and cannot control my emotions often. Or do stuff based on the emotions which I know to be stupid but I can't seem to stop myself sometimes. So I either push people away accidently, or deliberately, to stop me hurting them.
With my ex I really screwed up a few weeks ago. I had the key to her apartment so I could use her car and apartment, as it is nicer than mine. I have done the same for her when it was the opposite way around. But when there I had a time when I freaked out and wondered if there was a new guy. And I read her journal. Basically it said she was feeling lonely and wondering about different guys. I didn't see her for a few days, but tonight did. She told me she was interested in a guy. A non-Christian. From my own history I got messed up by doing that, and have never been in a properly good place with God since. Oh, something I need to add. She also knows I love her still. She doesn't love me - at least romantically.
So I was trying to talk to her to say it's not a good idea. But she didn't want to talk to me about it because of our past and my feelings still. However it was difficult for me as I had that detached thing where I was just wanting the best for her, and caring for her. It wasn't selfish feelings. And it was really hard to stop and not tell her, even though she didn't really want me to. She knows the right answer. So I told her my story and how I got messed up because of it. I then got really aggitated as I hate to see her potentially get so hurt if she goes down this road but can't do anything to stop her. She's done so much for me, yet I can't do anything now. I then had a swing to more angriness, and said a comment that I knew would hurt her a bit. And then tried to talk her out of it a bit more and not to do it because of loneliness. She said I didn't know what I was talking about, and was completely wrong.
Eventually I told her about reading her journal, and that (obviously) really hurt her. First time something like it has happened. I don't know what the future holds, but I think I've just lost my best friend. I think I know we wouldn't marry anyway, as I think I am just too messed up.
A lot of the time I am good, and want to care for people to the best of my abilities. But sometimes this can be in a bad controlling way. But there are times when I can be the most horrible and selfish person, and even though I regret it so much after I cannot seem to stop myself doing it at the time. This is what happened with reading the journal. I paniced, and so read it. I knew it was wrong after, but I just cannot seem to stop myself sometimes with these really wrong stuff. It was the same with doing stuff sexually. Sometimes I just got so selfish and just not caring about her at all. Yet most of the time I wanted so much to be like her, firm in knowing God's love, and being steady for people around.
Is this normal, or am I some kind of really messed up person? Is there any way to escape? I try and go to God, but that's in the good times. When the bad times come I just don't even think about going to Him (the thought doesn't really enter my head). Even in the good times it's often not so good, as I get distracted by so much other things that I don't make time for Him. I just don't know how to go on into the future. I just destroy any good friendships I make. I also don't build them very often, as I know other people get pushed away and so it hurts me and I guess I don't trust them to last. I don't think I'd trust myself to go out with someone as I'd just hurt them so much like Lillian. Yet I probably would during more selfish periods of my life as I wouldn't care then. I don't know what to do.
It's not even so much a period of depression now, at least not deep or anything. Just I see no hope for how to move on and have a normal life. A good life with God. A good life with friends. A good life with a wife perhaps.
And I just don't know what I am, who I am. Am I the person who is the most selfish and horrible person, or am I the person who is kind and caring? I think I am both, yet what does it mean for my heart and God? Is my heart for Him? Why can I not escape this awful person? I actually want Lillian to find someone else good, even if I love her, because I know I cannot offer her a good caring person all the time. I will hurt her. I just didn't want her to go for the wrong time or person. And now everything is muddled and a mess. I guess I stop here. Not sure what I mean from this post. I am a horrible and nice and always wanting to be in control person, who is desperate not to be.
ETA: And I don't know what do with Lillian now. Should I let her be, as I think it'll just hurt her more, even if most of the time I don't want to. Yet it can be so hard not to contact her, it becomes so intense and I think things will be ok. That things are ok, despite them clearly not being so. How can I protect her from myself?!
I have been recently diagnosed as type 2 bipolar. My dad was probably type 1 (not diagnosed but from the description of stuff he did it seems likely). I am on Quentiapin Orifarm (basically a thing to help sleep, with a light mood stabliser on top). Parents seperated when I was 9.
Anyway, not sure in some ways what to say. Basically I seem to be destroying my life and cannot escape doing it. I've had the most amazing girlfriend around 2 years ago, and we broke up around a year ago. It's not just saying she was amazing from being love sick... just she was and is, considering all the stuff she has been through and who she is. We've been good friends since. Basically we split up because of getting very close to sex too many times (or having it, depending on what you count as it). But that's not the issue I'm writing on. The other reason was my mood swings. I wasn't diagnosed at that time, and didn't know my dad was bipolar either.
It was a result of me sometimes being very much into the relationship (thinking I would be happy to marry her), but occasionally just completely tuning out of the relationship and having no feelings at all for her. I also made the mistake of telling her that during these times. So she saw I had problems, but stayed by me through so much. However we decided to end the relationship because of me needing to fix my stuff with God and myself.
I think this might have caused mood swings, and it didn't help that sometimes we were close to "going out" in behaviour. But sometimes she would pull back etc. At one point this basically ended up with me being close to suicide (although I don't think I would have done it in the end) for the first time in my life. Taking out a knife and thinking it would be easier for others if I did it. Thankfully it was in her house, and she came and saw me. So I went to the hospital and was keep in a pysciatric hospital voluntarily (but strongly recommended). There I was diagonsed with bipolar. This was in many ways a relief, as a lot of stuff made more sense. Stupid decisions, why I could change moods so quickly etc. But some of the time it's been a diagnosis I want to avoid, as it basically means I am stuck like this, it's not just problems from the past.
Anyway! It's been quite up and down recently. Work isn't the best, and I don't have many good friends here. Those that I do have are good friends of my ex first, so I can't share so much with them. And I am pretty bad at doing friendships with people. I aam just too up and down, and cannot control my emotions often. Or do stuff based on the emotions which I know to be stupid but I can't seem to stop myself sometimes. So I either push people away accidently, or deliberately, to stop me hurting them.
With my ex I really screwed up a few weeks ago. I had the key to her apartment so I could use her car and apartment, as it is nicer than mine. I have done the same for her when it was the opposite way around. But when there I had a time when I freaked out and wondered if there was a new guy. And I read her journal. Basically it said she was feeling lonely and wondering about different guys. I didn't see her for a few days, but tonight did. She told me she was interested in a guy. A non-Christian. From my own history I got messed up by doing that, and have never been in a properly good place with God since. Oh, something I need to add. She also knows I love her still. She doesn't love me - at least romantically.
So I was trying to talk to her to say it's not a good idea. But she didn't want to talk to me about it because of our past and my feelings still. However it was difficult for me as I had that detached thing where I was just wanting the best for her, and caring for her. It wasn't selfish feelings. And it was really hard to stop and not tell her, even though she didn't really want me to. She knows the right answer. So I told her my story and how I got messed up because of it. I then got really aggitated as I hate to see her potentially get so hurt if she goes down this road but can't do anything to stop her. She's done so much for me, yet I can't do anything now. I then had a swing to more angriness, and said a comment that I knew would hurt her a bit. And then tried to talk her out of it a bit more and not to do it because of loneliness. She said I didn't know what I was talking about, and was completely wrong.
Eventually I told her about reading her journal, and that (obviously) really hurt her. First time something like it has happened. I don't know what the future holds, but I think I've just lost my best friend. I think I know we wouldn't marry anyway, as I think I am just too messed up.
A lot of the time I am good, and want to care for people to the best of my abilities. But sometimes this can be in a bad controlling way. But there are times when I can be the most horrible and selfish person, and even though I regret it so much after I cannot seem to stop myself doing it at the time. This is what happened with reading the journal. I paniced, and so read it. I knew it was wrong after, but I just cannot seem to stop myself sometimes with these really wrong stuff. It was the same with doing stuff sexually. Sometimes I just got so selfish and just not caring about her at all. Yet most of the time I wanted so much to be like her, firm in knowing God's love, and being steady for people around.
Is this normal, or am I some kind of really messed up person? Is there any way to escape? I try and go to God, but that's in the good times. When the bad times come I just don't even think about going to Him (the thought doesn't really enter my head). Even in the good times it's often not so good, as I get distracted by so much other things that I don't make time for Him. I just don't know how to go on into the future. I just destroy any good friendships I make. I also don't build them very often, as I know other people get pushed away and so it hurts me and I guess I don't trust them to last. I don't think I'd trust myself to go out with someone as I'd just hurt them so much like Lillian. Yet I probably would during more selfish periods of my life as I wouldn't care then. I don't know what to do.
It's not even so much a period of depression now, at least not deep or anything. Just I see no hope for how to move on and have a normal life. A good life with God. A good life with friends. A good life with a wife perhaps.
And I just don't know what I am, who I am. Am I the person who is the most selfish and horrible person, or am I the person who is kind and caring? I think I am both, yet what does it mean for my heart and God? Is my heart for Him? Why can I not escape this awful person? I actually want Lillian to find someone else good, even if I love her, because I know I cannot offer her a good caring person all the time. I will hurt her. I just didn't want her to go for the wrong time or person. And now everything is muddled and a mess. I guess I stop here. Not sure what I mean from this post. I am a horrible and nice and always wanting to be in control person, who is desperate not to be.
ETA: And I don't know what do with Lillian now. Should I let her be, as I think it'll just hurt her more, even if most of the time I don't want to. Yet it can be so hard not to contact her, it becomes so intense and I think things will be ok. That things are ok, despite them clearly not being so. How can I protect her from myself?!
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