My husband and I are newly married, about three months now. Before we got married we discussed our goals and family expectations quite extensively. We were both 100% sure that we wanted to start a family as soon as we were married. A couple weeks after we got married he mentioned that he might want to wait a little longer, so he could "keep me to himself for a little while." I felt very flattered and so we got a puppy instead. Later I had a health concern pop up, that forced me to see an OBGYN, while we were there he mentioned that we wanted to start trying for a baby. I was so excited that he was on board with it! It was heart braking when the doctor told me that I did not ovulate naturally and would need at the bare minimum medication to become pregnant. After one cycle of Femara, a drug that forces ovulation, I was still not pregnant, and my husband admitted to me that he no longer wants to try for a baby. Not only does he not want me to pursue infertility treatment he wants me to start a birth control. He doesn't feel like the time is right, and we are not financially stable enough (we're both enlisted in the military and make about 33k each a year). He has a valid point and I know babies are very expensive, but we don't live paycheck to paycheck and the military covers all of our medical bills. I feel so distraught, part of me feels like he doesn't want to have kids and he will never feel like we are secure enough to start a family. Am I wrong to feel this way? He's treating me like a total drama queen because I am upset. How do I explain to him that we will never be as financially stable as he feels is necessary?
Issues starting a family
- Thread starter ErinArden
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I think that your husband is trying to deal with a various number of issues, ... and wants some time to sort some things out before adding a pregnancy to the mix.
Give him some time. He just needs to see things settle down a little. You are very young, you've got time. Together you're making pretty good money, ... so I don't really think that's the issue. Your hubby probably just didn't think it would be this hard/complex ... and, as men, we like to have our ducks in a row before we step into a new venture. Right now, he's probably worried about trying to manage it all (i.e. wife, job, pregnancy, fertility treatments, money, family, etc.). It can be a bit overwhelming, at times.
Don't worry. Pray that God will reassure him. In time, I believe that he'll come around.
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DZoolander
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Like the above poster said - you are likely pretty young and while people say life is short - in other respects life is pretty long. One cycle of that drug likely means one ovulation cycle - which is a month. To put things into perspective - my wife and I worked on getting pregnant for 4-5 years before actually getting pregnant. That's nearly 60 times longer than you tried...lol
To your husband's concerns about the finances - I wouldn't let that be an impediment for a few reasons.
First - while kids ARE expensive - that's a tricky subject to actually nail down accurately. The primary upfront cost of a kid is the medical expense. Like, having our first kid cost my wife and I close to $25,000. But, that's because we are subject to the dysfunction of our health insurance system. That $25,000 is a combination of health insurance premiums, deductibles and copays for that entire year. With both of you in the military your birth would probably be 100% covered by tricare.
So truthfully - if it were me - I'd probably OPT to have it sooner than later for that reason alone. Who knows what the future may hold with respect to your employment post military? To me free is better. lol
Once you've had the kid - it's actually not terribly expensive. There's baby food (which is almost a non issue if you're breastfeeding), there's diapers and wipes, you're going to want a crib (or pack and play) and clothes. People tend to overbuy with their first kid. Like you don't need a changing table - the floor or bed work just fine. Or get a pack and play with a changing thing on it. Everything else is pretty much just extravagances. The first year of life a kid is pretty much an immobile bump on a log, so that list pretty much covers it. In the latter part of the year the kid will be more mobile, so you're going to want to invest in childproofing stuff - which also is not expensive.
Clothes can be found for cheap. So can toys.
After that - over the years - it does get progressively more expensive...but it's not an all at once thing.
My daughter is 6 and my son is 3. The biggest expenses have come in the area of health insurance and child care (daycare). Now that our daughter is in school - the childcare expense is gone. My son will soon be the same. Unsure how the military handles the child care thing - but I'm sure they must have some programs that also make it next to free.
The kinds of things that make it TRULY expensive don't come until much later IMHO.
So if his worry is about your income RIGHT NOW - I wouldn't let that be an impediment (all things considered).
To your husband's concerns about the finances - I wouldn't let that be an impediment for a few reasons.
First - while kids ARE expensive - that's a tricky subject to actually nail down accurately. The primary upfront cost of a kid is the medical expense. Like, having our first kid cost my wife and I close to $25,000. But, that's because we are subject to the dysfunction of our health insurance system. That $25,000 is a combination of health insurance premiums, deductibles and copays for that entire year. With both of you in the military your birth would probably be 100% covered by tricare.
So truthfully - if it were me - I'd probably OPT to have it sooner than later for that reason alone. Who knows what the future may hold with respect to your employment post military? To me free is better. lol
Once you've had the kid - it's actually not terribly expensive. There's baby food (which is almost a non issue if you're breastfeeding), there's diapers and wipes, you're going to want a crib (or pack and play) and clothes. People tend to overbuy with their first kid. Like you don't need a changing table - the floor or bed work just fine. Or get a pack and play with a changing thing on it. Everything else is pretty much just extravagances. The first year of life a kid is pretty much an immobile bump on a log, so that list pretty much covers it. In the latter part of the year the kid will be more mobile, so you're going to want to invest in childproofing stuff - which also is not expensive.
Clothes can be found for cheap. So can toys.
After that - over the years - it does get progressively more expensive...but it's not an all at once thing.
My daughter is 6 and my son is 3. The biggest expenses have come in the area of health insurance and child care (daycare). Now that our daughter is in school - the childcare expense is gone. My son will soon be the same. Unsure how the military handles the child care thing - but I'm sure they must have some programs that also make it next to free.
The kinds of things that make it TRULY expensive don't come until much later IMHO.
So if his worry is about your income RIGHT NOW - I wouldn't let that be an impediment (all things considered).
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DZoolander
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At the same time though, while those are IMHO sound arguments for trying, do also keep time in perspective. You're three months into marriage. That's nothing. One thing about being younger is that time seems far more drawn out than it actually is and your perspective is kinda skewed. That's like a month to settle in to being married, one month to think about things, and one month to try followed up by his reservations/concern.
That's three of your cycles...lol You've got years and years ahead of you. Give it some time. You've got many cycles ahead of you
That's three of your cycles...lol You've got years and years ahead of you. Give it some time. You've got many cycles ahead of you
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Odetta
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The above responders have made some very good points. Like DZoolander said, you sound young and you are certainly very new to your marriage. There is something to be said about enjoying the time when it's just the two of you, because once the kids do come, you'll never have that again. Even once they are grown and out of the house, they still exist. Your husband sounds like he needs to some adjusting, given that he's going back and forth. Give him some time to come around.
As for affording children, if everyone waited until they met their definition of being able to afford children, few children would be born. Like mentioned above most expenses kind of grow with the children. Except for childcare. If you both continue to work, childcare is expensive until they get to school age. We paid $1300 per month for two for a while, and that was 10-15 years ago. That was larger than our house payment. This ends up becoming a big financial decision to make - is it worth it to continue working and pay for childcare, or is it better for one to quit and have reduced income, but also not have that expense.
I felt sure I was going to continue to work, until I had my first kid. It kind of snowballs, too. We we first had the first child, we were living in an area with a high cost of living. For me to stay home, we had to move, cross country in our case, thankfully closer to family. Then, after two years and another child, I had to go back to work anyway.
Waiting a little longer to start a family allows you more fully discuss these things and come to a decision on what you two want.
As for affording children, if everyone waited until they met their definition of being able to afford children, few children would be born. Like mentioned above most expenses kind of grow with the children. Except for childcare. If you both continue to work, childcare is expensive until they get to school age. We paid $1300 per month for two for a while, and that was 10-15 years ago. That was larger than our house payment. This ends up becoming a big financial decision to make - is it worth it to continue working and pay for childcare, or is it better for one to quit and have reduced income, but also not have that expense.
I felt sure I was going to continue to work, until I had my first kid. It kind of snowballs, too. We we first had the first child, we were living in an area with a high cost of living. For me to stay home, we had to move, cross country in our case, thankfully closer to family. Then, after two years and another child, I had to go back to work anyway.
Waiting a little longer to start a family allows you more fully discuss these things and come to a decision on what you two want.
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NothingIsImpossible
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I'll be very honest here, I find the desire for a woman to have a child is one of the strongest feelings she has. Almost to the point of obsession. I often find sometimes husbands can get overwhelmed by this feeling the wife has because its a ton of pressure on the guy. Especially with how put down men get if they don't have kids right away. We don't really have a desire of any kind that is that strong.
My wife and I have little to live on ourselves. So she already knew ahead of time that having a child was a "maybe". It would depend on many factors coming together. Especially financially. But we did at first agree that the first year of marriage we would not try for a baby but instead spend the time adjusting to marriage and what not. Because once a baby is in the picture, you won't have any time for each other or your own self really. Its stressing and hard for so many couples. So for now enjoy the time together.
Your worry of course about will you ever have kids is normal. Just as many things are like "How can we afford <thing>?" or "What if I leave this job for another, but that job doesn't work out?". I try to remember if God wants someone to have a child, they will have one. No stopping God. And if God forbid someone doesn't ever have a child, maybe it was for a reason. Or in some cases maybe it was simply because of health issue (like being unable to have one). It won't be easy not having a child if that should be the case, but just got to pray for strength about the issue.
Though don't currently worry about all that just yet. You're young and newly married. Theres time yet. Also, I do realize its VERY hard when you don't have a kid right away because of the constant worry of what people may think or the people who make insensitive questions like "No bun in the oven yet?".
With my wife and I we have been married 5 years (together for 4, she was overseas at first). We did tell people we were not having kids just yet. And for those who were a bit rude about it we asked nicely to not ask, when the time comes where she is pregnant, we will let people know. We are still on the fence about kids because of our finances. Times just not right yet. I am hoping within the next year or two we will have one.
Though a few months ago she did get pregnant accidentally and sadly had a miscarriage. Which lead her through phases of emotion of course. Including wanting one right away to get over the loss of the first. We've both overall come to accept we may not have one yet. It was harder for her of course since her natural feelings are strong. But after being here she began to see what I meant but the timing is not right.
One last thing I would say is even if your financially ready, the truth is no one is ever totally ready for a baby. Its impossible to be 100% ready for something so life changing. There have been people who have read up and prepared for a baby and then when it happens they weren't ready still. Its alot of work but most obviously say its worth it. Though obviosuly I do feel the financial ends of things is one thing people should be ready for at least.
My wife and I have little to live on ourselves. So she already knew ahead of time that having a child was a "maybe". It would depend on many factors coming together. Especially financially. But we did at first agree that the first year of marriage we would not try for a baby but instead spend the time adjusting to marriage and what not. Because once a baby is in the picture, you won't have any time for each other or your own self really. Its stressing and hard for so many couples. So for now enjoy the time together.
Your worry of course about will you ever have kids is normal. Just as many things are like "How can we afford <thing>?" or "What if I leave this job for another, but that job doesn't work out?". I try to remember if God wants someone to have a child, they will have one. No stopping God. And if God forbid someone doesn't ever have a child, maybe it was for a reason. Or in some cases maybe it was simply because of health issue (like being unable to have one). It won't be easy not having a child if that should be the case, but just got to pray for strength about the issue.
Though don't currently worry about all that just yet. You're young and newly married. Theres time yet. Also, I do realize its VERY hard when you don't have a kid right away because of the constant worry of what people may think or the people who make insensitive questions like "No bun in the oven yet?".
With my wife and I we have been married 5 years (together for 4, she was overseas at first). We did tell people we were not having kids just yet. And for those who were a bit rude about it we asked nicely to not ask, when the time comes where she is pregnant, we will let people know. We are still on the fence about kids because of our finances. Times just not right yet. I am hoping within the next year or two we will have one.
Though a few months ago she did get pregnant accidentally and sadly had a miscarriage. Which lead her through phases of emotion of course. Including wanting one right away to get over the loss of the first. We've both overall come to accept we may not have one yet. It was harder for her of course since her natural feelings are strong. But after being here she began to see what I meant but the timing is not right.
One last thing I would say is even if your financially ready, the truth is no one is ever totally ready for a baby. Its impossible to be 100% ready for something so life changing. There have been people who have read up and prepared for a baby and then when it happens they weren't ready still. Its alot of work but most obviously say its worth it. Though obviosuly I do feel the financial ends of things is one thing people should be ready for at least.
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