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Is your coffee orthodox?

Discussion in 'General Theology' started by GreekOrthodox, Jan 1, 2014.

  1. GreekOrthodox

    GreekOrthodox Psalti Chrysostom

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    Borrowed from Coffeedoxy and Heterodoxy | Orthodoxy and Heterodoxy. There are active links in the original posting for the definitions for each heresy.

    Your local coffeehouse may be a hotbed of heresy. Check the following list and see how yours measures up.

    Decaf is Docetic because it only appears to be coffee.
    Instant is Apollinarian because it’s had its soul removed and replaced.
    Frappuccinos are essentially a form of Monophysitism, having their coffee nature swallowed up in milkshake.
    Chicory is Arian, not truly coffee at all but a separate creation.
    Irish coffee is Nestorian, being two natures conjoined solely by good will.
    Nitro coffee (coffee + Red Bull) is Montanist, having a form of godliness but denying its power.
    Affogato is Adoptionist, being merely topped with espresso.
    The Café Bombón is Sabellian, appearing at some points to be foam, at others coffee and at others sweetened condensed milk.
    The Caffè Americano is a form of Unitarian Universalism, being so watered down so as not even to qualify as coffee.
    The Café miel violates Canon 57 of the Council in Trullo, “for it is not right to offer honey and milk” in one’s coffee.
    The Cafe Mocha (espresso + steamed milk + chocolate) is syncretic and polytheist, for it presumes to adulterate coffee with another nation’s gods.
    The Doppio (espresso + espresso) is Monothelite, permitting only one will to dominate.
    WHAT IS AN EGGNOG LATTE I DON’T EVEN.
    Half-Caf is another form of Adoptionism, being a hybrid of disparate natures.
    The Pharisäer (drip coffee + 2 shots rum + whipped cream) is nothing but sheer Antinomianism.
    The Red Eye (drip coffee + 1 shot espresso) is Ebionite, for it would swallow up pure faith in the Law.
    A rigorist exclusivism for Fair Trade Coffee is a form of Donatism, insisting that only sinless hands may produce a true beverage.
    “Coffee is bad for you”: The watchwords of the Iconoclast.
    The fellow who just keeps adding sugar to his over-roasted Pike’s Peak is surely a Pelagian.
    Here endeth the caffeination. Ite, caffe est.
     
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  2. MoreCoffee

    MoreCoffee Repentance works.

    +2,425
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    What about Iced coffee?
     
  3. rockytopva

    rockytopva Love to pray! :) Supporter

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    Anything special about my China Green Tips tea?
     
  4. MoreCoffee

    MoreCoffee Repentance works.

    +2,425
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    It may be Confucian ;)
     
  5. PreachersWife2004

    PreachersWife2004 by his wounds we are healed Supporter

    +3,909
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    My coffee is polytheist. *giggle*
     
  6. GreekOrthodox

    GreekOrthodox Psalti Chrysostom

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    GASP... As I recall, you're LCMS? You may no longer provide the elements for the "Third Sacrament", coffee-hour, as they are promoting syncretism at your church. Next you'll be saying that you enjoy sharing your coffee with non-Lutherans and then all heck will break loose.

    Now please reread Bondage of the Will, the Book of Concord, Law and Gospel (all in German please), explain them in your own words during your husband's Bible study and confess that you wont mix holy coffee with pagan milk and chocolate again. :bow:

    Happy New Year!
     
  7. PreachersWife2004

    PreachersWife2004 by his wounds we are healed Supporter

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    I'm WELS but your point still stands! Of course, you forgot to mention green jello in there somewhere.

    Here, have a cup of Mocha from my Keurig... :D
     
  8. GreekOrthodox

    GreekOrthodox Psalti Chrysostom

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    Wisconsin Synod??!??!!??! Do they know that you're talking to non-Lutherans?!?!? Thank heavens, you're not making your pagan coffee in the holy percolator!!

    Good Lord woman, your so-called coffee is only the start of your apostasy. Next you'll be saying that women should be able to speak and then vote in VA meetings and then human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together... mass hysteria!!! You probably put MIXED fruit in your green jello molds which might be worse than coffee syncretism. Just where do your pagan tendencies end??? And to think that your dear husband, who holds the office of the public ministry, permits this... :p

    (I grew up LCMS during the aftermath of Seminex and almost joined WELS in the early 1990s, so I'm very familiar with conservative Lutheran politics. Hope you and your husband get a laugh out of this!)
     
  9. LittleLambofJesus

    LittleLambofJesus Hebrews 2:14.... Pesky Devil, git! Supporter

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    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 1, 2014
  10. PaladinValer

    PaladinValer Traditional Orthodox Anglican

    +1,109
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    My current cup is Greek. Is it okay? :p
     
  11. PreachersWife2004

    PreachersWife2004 by his wounds we are healed Supporter

    +3,909
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    Only my husband is allowed to use the holy percolator. Hebrews and all that...:p

    I don't even MAKE green jello! Imagine the whispers and stares at every potluck. And the one time that I did make jello, it was cherry and I used COOKIE CUTTERS!

    I'm forever calling my coffee pot the Holy Percolator from here on out. :D:D
     
  12. GreekOrthodox

    GreekOrthodox Psalti Chrysostom

    +2,541
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    Since you dont make jello or the wrong kind... so you must be a convert from Minnesota and the ALC. You are really taking Luther's advice to Melachthon, "Be a sinner, and let your sins be strong, but let your trust in Christ be stronger, and rejoice in Christ who is the victor over sin, death, and the world." to heart with your cookie cutters :preach:

    Im sure that jello making is in this The Altar Guild Manual - Lutheran Service Book Edition so you should be good now. Im sure that the altar guild has a copy around.
     
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