Is this wrong? -- vacation plans

[Dogbean]

I am married with 5 kids. The marriage is in bad shape right now. 3 of the kids are mine, from my previous marriage. My first wife passed away in an empty, meaningless death. The other two kids came with my new wife. We have none together. We live in California. Her home is in Arizona, only a 13 hour drive away. My family all lives on the east coast, much farther away.

She took her two kids on a vacation to Disneyland back in March. Family came from AZ to meet them there. She has also taken at least 6 trips to AZ to see family and friends. Sometimes she took all the kids, sometimes she took some of the kids, and sometimes she took no kids and I took time off work to watch them. I did not go on any of the trips; I did not want to. I have not seen my family or gone to the east coast in 4 years, since my first wife's funeral.

Because of this, and my need to get away for a while (the marriage is really draining on me right now and I need to do someting for me, without her), I have planned a weeklong trip in October to the east coast to see my family. I will be travelling by air. I am taking with me my three kids, the kids that did not get to go to Disneyland. This is planned to be our vacation, our chance to get away and do something cool. It is not done out of a spirit of revenge or spite. It's not meant to "get back at my wife" or "stick it to her for going to Disnleyland." I have no problem taking all 5 kids, but I am not confident in my ability as a parent to manage all 5 of them on a plane and in a travelling setting for this vacation, so it's not meant to leave anyone out. I just don't want to go with my wife. But this trip is not out of a mean spirit, it's just a much needed vacation for myself.

Is this wrong? It is honestly not done out of a mean or vengeful spirit, but she is convinced it is, and gets mad when I bring up Disneyland as a similar example. I did not like it when she did that, but I defended her anyway. That trip looked really bad to my family, who was shocked she did that. And she tells me her whole family is mad at me for planning this east coast trip. Not that I really care, because her family does not like me anyway, and my family does not seem to jive well with my wife either.

Am I wrong to do this east coast trip this way?

 

[freeport]

I am married with 5 kids. The marriage is in bad shape right now. 3 of the kids are mine, from my previous marriage. My first wife passed away in an empty, meaningless death. The other two kids came with my new wife. We have none together. We live in California. Her home is in Arizona, only a 13 hour drive away. My family all lives on the east coast, much farther away.

She took her two kids on a vacation to Disneyland back in March. Family came from AZ to meet them there. She has also taken at least 6 trips to AZ to see family and friends. Sometimes she took all the kids, sometimes she took some of the kids, and sometimes she took no kids and I took time off work to watch them. I did not go on any of the trips; I did not want to. I have not seen my family or gone to the east coast in 4 years, since my first wife's funeral.

Because of this, and my need to get away for a while (the marriage is really draining on me right now and I need to do someting for me, without her), I have planned a weeklong trip in October to the east coast to see my family. I will be travelling by air. I am taking with me my three kids, the kids that did not get to go to Disneyland. This is planned to be our vacation, our chance to get away and do something cool. It is not done out of a spirit of revenge or spite. It's not meant to "get back at my wife" or "stick it to her for going to Disnleyland." I have no problem taking all 5 kids, but I am not confident in my ability as a parent to manage all 5 of them on a plane and in a travelling setting for this vacation, so it's not meant to leave anyone out. I just don't want to go with my wife. But this trip is not out of a mean spirit, it's just a much needed vacation for myself.

Is this wrong? It is honestly not done out of a mean or vengeful spirit, but she is convinced it is, and gets mad when I bring up Disneyland as a similar example. I did not like it when she did that, but I defended her anyway. That trip looked really bad to my family, who was shocked she did that. And she tells me her whole family is mad at me for planning this east coast trip. Not that I really care, because her family does not like me anyway, and my family does not seem to jive well with my wife either.

Am I wrong to do this east coast trip this way?

Ultimately, you have to make decisions for yourself, through the Spirit, we can not know all of the ins and outs of these situations.

You always want to be generous and never want to make any child feel less loved then another, but these are situational calls.

I am wondering why you may even think this could be vengeful, and would look at that.

 

[Dogbean]

I am thinking about why this looks vengeful because my wife thinks it's out of revenge, and has attempted to get her whole family mad at me. Our marriage is really ugly right now, and every discussion we have is based on false accusations that I'm constantly having to defend myself against. I know what's in my mind; I know the spirit of what I'm trying to do, but she thinks eveyrone is out to get her. That's how she is....she wants everything to be a fight, a battle, a revenge-minded act. I honestly just need to get away, and decided to take the ones who did not go to Disney, and who have a history on the east coast.

 

[freeport]

I am thinking about why this looks vengeful because my wife thinks it's out of revenge, and has attempted to get her whole family mad at me. Our marriage is really ugly right now, and every discussion we have is based on false accusations that I'm constantly having to defend myself against. I know what's in my mind; I know the spirit of what I'm trying to do, but she thinks eveyrone is out to get her. That's how she is....she wants everything to be a fight, a battle, a revenge-minded act. I honestly just need to get away, and decided to take the ones who did not go to Disney, and who have a history on the east coast.

You do have a right - and a necessity - to defend yourself against slander.

You are really going through a tough time in a very tough situation, so I don't want to be hard on you... if anything, you need to not "try too hard" at anything, but look to God, and try hard in prayer.

But, this is a very bad situation.


Sometimes marriages do end because the spouse is unfaithful. It is bad, but there is nothing we can do about it. Definitely, keep striving and hoping and praying.


We should always, always strive to keep marriages together.


If you are not really vengeful, I believe you, sounds like it... but sometimes we have to make sure no one gets the wrong idea.


('Let not your good be spoken of as evil' -- not a commandment, but a general good idea, when we can. We can not always do this, of course! )

(Look at Jesus and the Pharisees, for instance... )

 

[Dogbean]

Thanks Freeport. I'm going to go through with the trip. There's nothing wrong with it, and she's taken like 6 trips to her hometown and I haven't had any to mine. Granted, mine is much farther away, but I need this, and I'm the Christian in the family. I have been very clear-headed through this time; I'm not depressed, I'm not full of anger or rage, and I try to approach everything with prayer. She, who is not clearheaded, who is depressed, and filled with anger and a desire to fight, and who does not have Christ in her heart, thinks I'm being spiteful. I cannot accept the judgements, advice, or opinions of a person who is not thinking clearly, and I cannot let their incorrect assessments get to me.

 

[freeport]

Thanks Freeport. I'm going to go through with the trip. There's nothing wrong with it, and she's taken like 6 trips to her hometown and I haven't had any to mine. Granted, mine is much farther away, but I need this, and I'm the Christian in the family. I have been very clear-headed through this time; I'm not depressed, I'm not full of anger or rage, and I try to approach everything with prayer. She, who is not clearheaded, who is depressed, and filled with anger and a desire to fight, and who does not have Christ in her heart, thinks I'm being spiteful. I cannot accept the judgements, advice, or opinions of a person who is not thinking clearly, and I cannot let their incorrect assessments get to me.

I believe you, and like I said, I think this is an extremely difficult situation for you.

And I do not think you should give in to evil, but argue your case.


You seem to be doing everything right in an extremely difficult situation.

 

[Dogbean]

I believe you, and like I said, I think this is an extremely difficult situation for you.

And I do not think you should give in to evil, but argue your case.


You seem to be doing everything right in an extremely difficult situation.

Thank you for noticing. My brother said "Your strength is amazing!" the other day....he knows what I've been through, with the death of my first wife (who was a wonderful woman of God, by the way) and the way I deal with this evil I seem to have in my life these days. If I crack, if I get mad, if I faulter, then I lose my ability to show her Christ's witness. Then I become the evil I'm combatting by dealing with her every day.

 

[freeport]

Thank you for noticing. My brother said "Your strength is amazing!" the other day....he knows what I've been through, with the death of my first wife (who was a wonderful woman of God, by the way) and the way I deal with this evil I seem to have in my life these days. If I crack, if I get mad, if I faulter, then I lose my ability to show her Christ's witness. Then I become the evil I'm combatting by dealing with her every day.

Yes, it sounds like you are doing very good under very trying circumstances.

 

[achristiantech]

As a husband with a blended family, I have dealt with circumstances similiar to yours. After one mistake after another I have come to the conclusion that a family is a family no matter what. That the ideal is the husband and wife doing things together with the children in tow. This would include all things including vacations together. Our extended family is important and a healthy relationship with our spouse and children is desired. If you and your wife (the parents) are God-centered, the circumstances and issues you speak of will become dim and you'll find less volatility and more peace and all will benefit. I know, I know. It sounds idealistic, but it can work. It worked for my family.

The key is trusting God and praising Him in all circumstances. Praise Him for your wife, your children, your inlaws (and your outlaws), praise Him for your current and past circumstances, good, bad, ugly, whatever. A good source for how and why this works, visit the following link:

Foundation of Praise - Spreading the Word of God

I encourage you to purchase and read the book "Prison to Praise". This is an opportunity to change your life and the lives of those around you. The method seems counterintuitive, but I can testify to it's success in my life.

God be with you and your family.

 

[Dogbean]

Thank you, and I agree, but my wife is very hostile to all things God right now, and does not see eye to eye with me. Right now we're in a severe down time. We can't stand eachothers presence right now, adn it's not going to be mended before October. A lot of work needs to be done, and so far I've been the only one trying. She's undermining all my efforts to make things better. Pray for a miracle for her.

 

[freeport]

Thank you, and I agree, but my wife is very hostile to all things God right now, and does not see eye to eye with me. Right now we're in a severe down time. We can't stand eachothers presence right now, adn it's not going to be mended before October. A lot of work needs to be done, and so far I've been the only one trying. She's undermining all my efforts to make things better. Pray for a miracle for her.

Done.

BTW, great signature.

Have a good trip.

 

[donb1959]

You guys need marriage counseliing

 

[Dogbean]

You guys need marriage counseliing

I know this. I know this very well. I see my pastor, but my wife refuses. She's convinced it won't help, and I cannot convince her otherwise. So I get myself the Godly help and support I need, and she gets support from her heathen friends. I am much more stable through all of this, and she is depressed, vile, and angry. We become who we surround ourselves with.

 

[JCFantasy23]

I don't think you're wrong. You need a break away from her and also want to spend some alone time with your family. Either she can understand this...or sadly can't.

 

[Dogbean]

I don't think you're wrong. You need a break away from her and also want to spend some alone time with your family. Either she can understand this...or sadly can't.

I know the vacation itself is not wrong. Please reread the original post....what I'm mainly asking about concerns my choice of taking some of the kids. The original post explains all. Please reread it, JCFantacy, if you would, and then answer again; I'm interested in the input.

Thanks

 

[LilLamb219]

I think your approach to this when communicating to her started off on the wrong foot entirely. You brought up examples to compare her trips to yours and you've stated you didn't like it about the Disney trip...so of course she's going to think it's getting back at her. That's how it's coming across to me here and I don't even know you.

Skip the trip and go for counseling outside of the church now. It will be money better spent. If you go on the trip now, do you seriously think the marriage will bounce back when you return?

 

[Dogbean]

Plane tickets already purchased. The trip is on. But even though the communication may have been bad, my trip is not out of revenge or spite, but just a need to spend time with my family and unwind a bit. She's taken 6 trips to her hometown in the past couple years, and I have not been home in 4 years.

 

[Zebra1552]

I am married with 5 kids. The marriage is in bad shape right now. 3 of the kids are mine, from my previous marriage. My first wife passed away in an empty, meaningless death. The other two kids came with my new wife. We have none together. We live in California. Her home is in Arizona, only a 13 hour drive away. My family all lives on the east coast, much farther away.

She took her two kids on a vacation to Disneyland back in March. Family came from AZ to meet them there. She has also taken at least 6 trips to AZ to see family and friends. Sometimes she took all the kids, sometimes she took some of the kids, and sometimes she took no kids and I took time off work to watch them. I did not go on any of the trips; I did not want to. I have not seen my family or gone to the east coast in 4 years, since my first wife's funeral.

Because of this, and my need to get away for a while (the marriage is really draining on me right now and I need to do someting for me, without her), I have planned a weeklong trip in October to the east coast to see my family. I will be travelling by air. I am taking with me my three kids, the kids that did not get to go to Disneyland. This is planned to be our vacation, our chance to get away and do something cool. It is not done out of a spirit of revenge or spite. It's not meant to "get back at my wife" or "stick it to her for going to Disnleyland." I have no problem taking all 5 kids, but I am not confident in my ability as a parent to manage all 5 of them on a plane and in a travelling setting for this vacation, so it's not meant to leave anyone out. I just don't want to go with my wife. But this trip is not out of a mean spirit, it's just a much needed vacation for myself.

Is this wrong? It is honestly not done out of a mean or vengeful spirit, but she is convinced it is, and gets mad when I bring up Disneyland as a similar example. I did not like it when she did that, but I defended her anyway. That trip looked really bad to my family, who was shocked she did that. And she tells me her whole family is mad at me for planning this east coast trip. Not that I really care, because her family does not like me anyway, and my family does not seem to jive well with my wife either.

Am I wrong to do this east coast trip this way?

Um... if you need time to yourself, why can't you go spend some time alone somewhere closer to home without your kids?
And aside from that, what business does she have for judging you for doing the very thing she has done in the past?
Furthermore, when was the last time you spoke to God? You don't seem to be in a healthy relationship, she sounds manipulative.

 

[freeport]

Plane tickets already purchased. The trip is on. But even though the communication may have been bad, my trip is not out of revenge or spite, but just a need to spend time with my family and unwind a bit. She's taken 6 trips to her hometown in the past couple years, and I have not been home in 4 years.

You have every right to do this... what my dad does is take every kid on trips... sometimes separate. Takes me and my wife and kids on a trip, separately, takes my brother and his family on a trip, separately, takes the stepkids on a trip... and so on.

It can be important to defend - with patience and reasoning - such matters to one's wife (sure you have, just confirming)... and also to point out you are thinking of everyone's best interests... and maybe even say it would be good to also do trips with everyone, each on their turn -- if that is possible. (We don't know the future, can't control it, but we do have to make some sort of plans or we wouldn't get our trains running on time, etc, etc.)


What always matters is what is in one's heart... I think we have choices to love one child over another, for instance, and what I find is best to do when that comes up is to then reject such a thought, and love every child the same. (I might mention, my brother and sister... we are not flesh with my dad, but all adopted... but we are all family -- stepbrother and sister included. Very much so.)


You probably already know all of this and believe it, but it can help sometimes for someone else to say it outloud.


My two cents.


PostScript:

Because I do this with my kids, with my siblings, and with my wife... I always know I can be upfront, honest with them -- in all patience.

And it has always worked for me.

I have been - like you - through many troubling waters.


Amazingly, everything eventually works out in the end.

 

[Dogbean]

Thanks freeport. We'll all take a driving trip sometime, or if my wife and I reconcile, maybe we'll all fly on a plane somewhere. It's not that I wanted to leave anyone out....but the two kids that didn't get to go wtih me got to go on a trip with my wife back in the spring. Everything equals out, and everyone gets loved. I just wish I could get my wife to realize that I don't do anything out of revenge or spite. She takes everything as a personal attack, even something as simple as asking what she spent some money on when I see a large purchase was made. She initially says I don't need to know, then finally gives in and tells me. It's not that I want to control her or monitor, but I have the right to know whats' going on iwth the family finances. But she interprets that as control, stalking, whatever. She is very paranoid, but I do everything out of a good heart. It really sucks, where I am right now in my relationship to her. I can't do any right in her eyes. No matter what I do, it's wrong to her; it's vengeful, spiteful, controlling, sarcastic, or stupid. But none of that is true. There is no reasoning with her.