Is this considered not "honoring thy parents"?

[NeedAdvicePlease]

I haven't seen my parents for about 10 years now. It's too long of a story to explain and get into. Just know there were significant enough reasons I had to cut them out of my life. However, this rift also created issues with my 2 sisters as well. They chose to side with my parents, so I also haven't seen them in about 10 years also. Recently, I decided to reach out to 1 of my sisters to apologize for letting this issue with my parents affect our relationship over the years. I decided I would be the bigger person and apologize. I then took the initiative to get our 2 families to meet up and possibly start to form a new relationship again. I thought it would be nice for our kids to meet for the first time too. Her response back initially seemed like a good one. When she found out we were not willing to also have a relationship with our parents again, she said she then couldn't have one with us either. To sum up her response, she basically said her communicating with me would not be "honoring thy parents". I don't believe this response to be correct. I think she should be able to have a relationship with BOTH OF US. Yes, I'm sure they would be mad if she began a relationship with us, but wouldn't this be the right thing to do even if it makes them mad? I personally think she's just too scared because she's scared of how they will react.

Please give me your honest opinion and tell me who is right in this one.

 

[yeshuaslavejeff]

she basically said her communicating with me would not be "honoring thy parents".

This is correct.

(based only on Scripture and the little info you have provided)

 

[NeedAdvicePlease]

This is correct.

(based only on Scripture and the little info you have provided)

Can you please refer me to where in the Bible it says this?

 

[yeshuaslavejeff]

Can you please refer me to where in the Bible it says this?

Usually when someone has asked for a verse in this way, they then argue against it instead of accepting it.
The whole of Scripture shows us , in harmony, how to honor God first, and then His commandments, including honoring our parents.
To be more specific, if the truth is desired, would require more information than I would ever ask for on a forum - it is too personal and everything posted can be read by almost anyone in the world, and may be used against you any time in the future. (everthing posted here is copied by local and foreign search engines, stored, collated, analyzed, and might be retrieved at any time in the future by anyone with enough money or permissions/power )

 

[NeedAdvicePlease]

Usually when someone has asked for a verse in this way, they then argue against it instead of accepting it.
The whole of Scripture shows us , in harmony, how to honor God first, and then His commandments, including honoring our parents.
To be more specific, if the truth is desired, would require more information than I would ever ask for on a forum - it is too personal and everything posted can be read by almost anyone in the world, and may be used against you any time in the future. (everthing posted here is copied by local and foreign search engines, stored, collated, analyzed, and might be retrieved at any time in the future by anyone with enough money or permissions/power )

I'm not trying to argue on this because I need to be right. I'm trying to truly understand this commandment and how far to take it. I feel like this could be interpreted a multitude of different ways. Are you saying a grown adult shouldn't do anything their parent might not agree with? This is considered not honoring them? They should shun someone just because their childish parent doesn't want them to be "friends"? God thinks this is the right thing to do? What if the parents don't like the spouse or friends a child has? Should the child dump the friends and spouse to honor thy parents? What if the parents don't like the career their child has chosen? Should the child go quit their job? What if the parents don't like anyone that isn't white like they are? Should the child become racist too? What if the parent is not morally right? I could give a million examples. I need to understand why a person cannot have a loving relationship with both their sibling, as well as their parents. No one is asking the sibling to dump the parents in this situation. Why can this not work and be okay? Please help me understand how far this "honoring thy parents" commandment should be taken.

 

[ValleyGal]

Wait... why do you need to know WHO is right? Isn't it more important to know WHAT is right?

How do you define "honour"? Some ways of defining it include deferring to, esteem, look up to, value, adore, respect, venerate, cherish... Imo, as an adult, you do not need to defer to them or put them on a pedestal or look up to them. The nature of the relationship is not what it was when you were under their care. As an adult, what does it mean to honour them? Maybe respect them or value them. You can do that from a distance. In fact, if you are unable to do that up close, you might need to do it from a distance - especially if it will have a negative effect on your own family (spouse and children).

What is better - to love them from a distance or despise (choose your own word) them up close? Imo, it is better to love from a distance rather than have ill feelings or strained relationships up close. What is a better testament to the love of Jesus? You can always pray that eventually there will come a time when the family can reconcile.

 

[NeedAdvicePlease]

You're right. I should've worded it saying "WHAT is right" rather than "WHO is right".

How does one respect or value someone who doesn't do the same thing back? Distancing myself from my parents has been the best decision for me and my family. It was negatively affecting my ability to be a good spouse and parent to my own child. So yes, the distance thing has worked.

However, I still do not understand how distancing yourself from a sibling is the right thing to do? There was never any animosity or friction with our sibling relationship prior to the parent issue. We actually got along very well. They actually admitted to seeing my point.

I can respect them continuing to have a relationship with our parents. I'm not asking them to take my side. I don't understand how people can be forced to take "sides" with someone, when they're not even directly involved in the issue itself. Is this what is right? It's almost like a junior high scenario where one girl says "I don't want to be her friend, so you can't be friends with her either because I said so". I think it's childish and very immature to put this on someone, trying to disclude someone for their own selfish reasons. Is this what is right?

We've prayed for years about this. I was talking to another family member one day (yes, we still talk to my mom and dad's siblings who decided to continue to love and support us through this all) who agreed it would be worth a try to reach out to my siblings. So this is how this came about.

 

[SpiritofaDove]

You feel how you feel. They feel how they feel. You have to respect that to your siblings, it feels morally wrong. It doesn't mean they don't love you, or miss you, it means to them, it doesn't feel right. Accept it. Pray for your whole family from afar. Let it go so you don't become bitter and hateful again. You separated yourself for a reason, now keep it that way and pray for others. Life just isn't how we want it to be. You pray. You do what is best for your spouse and family. It's the best you can do. You pray for your parents and pray one day, they will give up the thing that keeps you apart. Then all of you can be reunited. God bless. Peace be with you.

 

[NeedAdvicePlease]

You feel how you feel. They feel how they feel. You have to respect that to your siblings, it feels morally wrong. It doesn't mean they don't love you, or miss you, it means to them, it doesn't feel right. Accept it. Pray for your whole family from afar. Let it go so you don't become bitter and hateful again. You separated yourself for a reason, now keep it that way and pray for others. Life just isn't how we want it to be. You pray. You do what is best for your spouse and family. It's the best you can do. You pray for your parents and pray one day, they will give up the thing that keeps you apart. Then all of you can be reunited. God bless. Peace be with you.

You're right, I really just need to let this go and accept it. I think I would've been more okay with accepting it if she had not thrown the "honor thy father and mother" commandment strictly as her reason why she is unable to.

 

[NeedAdvicePlease]

I wouldn't worry about biblical references-just follow your instinct and have nothing to do with her. Choose friends, don't be chained to relatives-they only give you grief. I stopped talking to one of my brothers when I found out that he went to my 1st ex-wife's 3rd wedding.

So happy we can CHOOSE our friends

 

[Kit Sigmon]

Is the ethnicity of your spouse or child the issue between you
and your parents?
I'm in an interracial marriage and know the friction it can cause.

 

[ValleyGal]

How does one respect or value someone who doesn't do the same thing back?

How did Jesus love us while we were yet sinners? How could he have gone to the cross knowing that most people through history will still reject him, persecute him, persecute his followers? How can we love someone who won't love us back? The same way Jesus does.

However, I still do not understand how distancing yourself from a sibling is the right thing to do?

There is a verse that says you must live at peace with all people as far as it depends on you. You have reached out, and you are not responsible for how they respond to that.

I'm not asking them to take my side. I don't understand how people can be forced to take "sides" with someone, when they're not even directly involved in the issue itself. Is this what is right?

Right or not, this is their choice. You can't make them do what you think is right. You are responsible for what you know is right. You tried, and that

 

[June July]

I think you have caused your parents a great deal of pain by shunning them. Your siblings will probably stop shunning you when you stop shunning your parents. Even though you disagree with them, shunning them is causing a divisive and painful rift in your family. I hope you will find a way to resolve the problem by including the entire family in your life. You don't need to move in next to your parents, go see them every week, or even call them more than once or twice a year, but to cut them out of your life entirely is cruel and your siblings must be feeling very protective of your parents, and must not want to be put between the two factions. I think they're doing the right thing and that shunning your parents is not honoring them. Consider forgiveness. What does the Holy Spirit tell you about healing for your family, as a whole, not just in part?

 

[LoricaLady]

You do not tell why you are avoiding your parents. This leads me to wonder if there was some kind of abuse that makes you feel traumatized and triggered when you are around them. It makes me wonder if you are concerned that some kind of abuse will continue and hurt your further. If so, the big issue is that you need healing. If so, then I would say have limited contact with your parents until some day maybe you are so strong spiritually that you can deal with past issues without being hurt.

As for your sister, of course she can have a relationship with you even if you do not have one with your parents. I gotta say that if she is indeed afraid of them, that is a bad sign. As parents, they should actually be glad for you both if there is any healing, any reconciliation, whether it includes them or not.

It seems good that you reached out. However, you are not getting a positive response. Again, I would say that when and if you feel strong enough to be able to associate with your parents without feeling you are in a toxic situation, go for it but drop things for now and pray for healing.
On the other hand, if your parents have not been abusive in toxic ways, and you just maybe have a grudge against them over some old fight, where pride is a factor, well, I'd say forgive and forget and reconcile with them.

One way or another I would consider being a child of your parents and honoring them at a distance. For ex. you could send them birthday cards, maybe birthday presents, and remember them on Father's Day and Mother's Day likewise. If the situation is not too toxic, perhaps that would help start some healing. Just a thought.