Is She the One

[Ed7]

I am 21 yrs old and have been dating my girlfriend for just on 4 years now. In the last 12 months, I have been thinking that it would be nice to be single and selfish for a while (if you know what I mean) - really find myself before I try and give myself to another. In a nutshell, I just wish I had have met her a few years further down the track so I could have 'experienced' more in life on my own.
The dilemma for me is that I dont want to ruin something perfect that God has given me and break up due to my selfishishness/immaturity, but on the otherhand dont want to continue if she is not the 'one'. As such, I have been praying daily for months and months for God to show me His will in this regard and have yet to hear his answer.

I dont know what to do anymore - Its not fair on her for me to be sitting on the fence for so long and this fact has become evident in the relationship. A decision needs to be made. I just want Gods will to be done so I know whatever the outcome, it is for my best.

If anyone has some advice, I sure would appreciate it.

 

[brother friar]

Ed7,

Sounds like you don't want to be married right now, but you are afraid of losing this girl if you don't marry her? If I have summarized this correctly, I would then suggest that you don't consider marriage. You need to desire to give up yourself to another to make the commitment to marry. It doesn't mean that you will always feel that way or be unselfish. But it should be a desire that is strong in you. To hold onto a relationship out of fear is also an unhealthy basis for a relationship.

Now about God giving you this relationship and God's timing. There are many who believe that God means for us to marry a specific person in this world and that only that one person is within the will of God. I believed this when I was younger, but later rejected this for two reasons. 1) God has given us the capacity to love many people at once.....our parents, siblings, friends, children and of course our spouse. But marriage is a commitment to one person only for life. God does not some how make it so we will only love one person and one person alone, but gives us the ability to give ourselves in love to others. Marriage is the commitment to give of your self to another in this covenant of love we call marriage. It is unique and special. But is a decision, not magical. 2) I can fall in love many times in my life, if "falling in love" means a emotional connection to another. But marriage is about staying in love with a person that goes beyond the emotional and is a intentional effort to continue to be in love with your spouse. Once married, we do not lose the capacity to love another person, but we make a commitment to love only one other in this way, mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually.....we become one flesh.

Does God have a specific will for you in this relationship? I would say yes. He wills that you either make a commitment to this person or that you own up to the fact that you can't or won't make the commitment and be honest to this woman about where you are at this time. Don't be afraid that there will never be another, that is not what God wants, fear. But also realize that there is always the risk that you will lose a relationship that later you will regret, but such is the life that is not perfect.

 

[booger]

Ed,

I somewhat know what you are goin through.  My wife and I had been dating for four years before we became married (I was 21 at the time of marriage).  I wasen't really sure that was what I wanted, not 100% anyway, more like 90%. 

There were times I wanted to be selfish and go out and do things, but I always ended up listening to my heart.  I was a backslidden christian at the time and that added to the doubt.

However here we are, my wife and I, almost 6 years down the road of marriage and we are happier than ever.  Our marriage between us as well as CHRIST is at a level that it has never been.  I have also come to realize that this was meant to be, without a doubt and I am gracious to my LORD for it being so.  For more on that you can read my testimony here http://www.christianforums.com/threads/33336.html.

I will pray for you, in hope that you find the ansewers that you are searching for.

GOD BLESS!!

 

[ZiSunka]

Ed7, don't get married because you think you should, get married because you want to.

You are young and if you want to be single right now, there shouldn't be any rush to get married.

God won't bring you the "one" before you are ready for her.

 

[DaveKerwin]

that is a long time to date. you should know whether she is the kind of woman you want to marry. you should also know more about yourself by now to know if you are ready for marriage. if she is like most women, then she probably wants to know what the deal is. for her sake and for yours, think and pray and see how you feel.

 

[ScottEmerson]

Amen, brother friar. Great post!

 

[seebs]

I don't believe in "the one". I believe you make your own choices in these matters, and that it's not which person God intends for you, but which person you give yourself to. It's not as if there's a specific person, and if you don't marry that person, you can never find happiness. Just about everyone out there is worthy of unconditional love.

 

[IslandBreeze]

Originally posted by DaveKerwin
that is a long time to date. you should know whether she is the kind of woman you want to marry. you should also know more about yourself by now to know if you are ready for marriage. if she is like most women, then she probably wants to know what the deal is. for her sake and for yours, think and pray and see how you feel.

My thoughts exactly. If she were the one, you'd have been at LEAST engaged by now. I think it's time to call it off and move on. And if you're having ANY doubts, not only is this not the right girl, this isn't the right time for you.

JMO, but I knew I was going to marry my husband the very first night I went out with him...

 

[LifeInYou]

Ed, I think because you have been on the fence for so long about it then that's a sign. If she was the right one, and it is the right time, you would feel more secure about it. Did you ever think about this: Say you break up, you both experience more things and different people, but it remains on both of your hearts to be with eachother -then you will, ya know? If it's meant to be, it will be.

 

[KeepTheFaith15]

if you have to ask maybe she's not the one. as my mom says either pee or get off the potty, if she's the one she's the one but personally for me if i was going with someone for 4 years 4! i wouldnt throw that away, and if i had to ask then im either not ready for a relationship or shes not the one. either way you have to figure it out yourself were not gonna be able to tell you, ask God for guidance. God bless.

 

[Eldons Wife]

First of all if you are having feelings like this dont get married. If you feel like that you probably dont love her. I got married when I was 16 believe me I know what I am talking about. I missed out I'm sure on alot of things boyfriends ,splitups , maybe some premarrital relationships. But in return I got a wonderfull husband and two beautifull children.And a marriage I wouldnt change for anything.

I think if you arent sure 100% then dont do it. Pray about it, this girl might be the one God wants you to be with. But dont lead her on I'm sure she doesnt deserve that .

After 5 years I'm still sure God wants me with my husband .When you know, you just know.

-Eldons Wife

 

[Ed7]

Thanks everyone for all the advice - it means more than you will ever know.

I recognise that I am not ready for marriage, but its like Im keen to make my mind up now as to whether she is the girl Iam to marry so that if I decide she is not, then I wont have led her on for longer than need be. I love and care for her deeply and dont want to get to the point where we have been together 6 or so years and then call it quits if I could have done it earlier and saved her a lot of pain.

I know this is probably a very odd way of thinking - trying to make a mature decision when I am not in the right place to be even thinking about making that decision. But it plays on my mind and causes a lot of pain and anguish.

I just want to make the right decision for both of us so that there will be no regrets whatever the outcome.

Once again, thanks to everyone for taking the time to pass on their advice.