Hi, I know that God promises us our future spouses, and that almost everyone has one predestined (if you disagree then keep it to yourselves, it's not the point of this thread whether spouses are predetermined or not). Although I have friends, sometimes I can't help but feel lonely and instead of holding on to God, I hold on to the promise of this future spouse that I know God will grant me someday. Of course, I don't do this every single time I feel lonely, Most times I cling onto God. But there are definitely a few instances where I can only think of a future with my future spouse, whoever it may be.
Is this normal? Will God excuse this behaviour? Because, sometimes, all I can think of are material things. It's not like I don't like or don't believe in heaven, I definitely do, but sometimes I just really want someone HERE, you know? You get me? And sometimes I feel like that I have no purpose living. I want to study film, but my parents don't have enough money to send me to film school and so I'm stuck studying literature. They say to trust in God's plan and I suppose this is God's plan, but well, it's not making me happy. Every day is like a battle. It has been this way ever since I was a child. I feel that in life I always get second best to what I want. It's been driving me insane. How do I cope?
I think what you describe is common, but I do not think it is God's intention. When our contentment, satisfaction, and sense of purpose in life becomes dependent on circumstances outside of our control, we can sink into unhealthy patterns of thinking and feeling.
Some people fall into a sense of despondency and worthlessness that they think they have somehow failed God and everything wrong is their fault because God is punishing them for something. Others blame God and become angry that their life would be better if God wasn't holding out on them. Other people fall into a mode whereby they can no longer see the current things God is doing because it is not what they expect or want. Others become involved in anything and everything to drown themselves in "worthwhile" activities.
In all of this, two things can be lost. People can lose track of that valuable person inside that God wants them to be; and, they can lose sense of their relationship with God as being a daily adventure to be enjoyed.
The real question that I see in this is
Who has God created you to Be? Are you are looking to define your meaning and value in life as a "Spouse" or a "Film Maker"? Those are titles, positions, functions, not an identity. Has God made you a creative artistic person that is meant to be a Story-teller? What is it that draws you to film? Is it the story-telling aspect? the orchestrating people to produce something? Is the editing and polishing side to create something? Is it the chance to achieve fame and acceptance? What is it about film that draws you to it? (I don't ask these as questions to be answered to me in this thread. Just as food for thought as to why you are so drawn to film.)
Speaking as someone who has been married 34 years, a spouse cannot make you happy in the long-run if you were not happy apart from them. Marriage creates many burdens that you both have to work through. It has many rewards and blessings, but it will not make up for a lack of contentment and satisfaction inside. It does not suddenly make us a better person and indeed is more likely to highlight our shortcomings as our spouse has to deal with us on a daily basis (and we have to deal with their shortcomings). There will be an initial rush of novelty as circumstances change, but reality will set in and most of the problems we bring into a marriage are still there along with all of the extra ones a marriage brings. Marriage is challenging enough for the new problems and challenges that are raised without having to deal with old ones.
What you describe is common. I've got a couple adult daughters that have dealt with similar things (and are still dealing with them). As a parent, I wish I could do something to fix it. But, ultimately, it is about walking with God and discovering the unique treasure and work of art that He is creating us to be. As we learn who it is He has created us to be, we will start to rise above circumstances.
Hang in there. I am convinced that you are a special work of art that God is creating. He will do things in you and through you that He won't through anyone else. These things will not come about through the circumstances around you, but rather through God causing the unique person inside you to come to life and thrive. Life is not so much about worrying about perfectly following God's itinerary and to-do list of activities, but rather being more of an adventure to be lived out walking with Him where He is a guide through the wilderness taking us on a quest.
