Is it wrong to only want to marry a Virgin

peacelord · May 18, 2015

Hey Anon- here's my advice. I see where you're at and I don't think that it's wrong at all- there is one particular consideration though which I think that you should be cautious for, which is the case that she may have been raped or sexually abused. I wouldn't ask her if she's a "virgin" but I would definitely tell her something like, "I need to have a conversation with you about your sexual history." One more thing- if you feel like if you turn her down and then down the road as you're getting older and if you don't find the specific type of person that you're asking for and regret it, then you may want to accept her regardless of what her situation is- but do remember to take it slowly and only commit to anything that you're feeling totally confident about.

GodBlessed777 · May 18, 2015

Dear Anon77,

No, there is absolutely nothing wrong with you desiring to marry only a virgin. In fact God's will is for everyone to marry virgin. Unfortunately, we live in a fallen world and too many young men and women have fallen prey to the culture: believing that fornication isn't as bad as "religion" and "tradition" paints it. Then we have the crowd that says that once your saved it doesn't matter what you do with your body, you will still be saved. These people that think this way sometimes tend to justify themselves about sin. The truth is we can't mock God and get away with sin. There will always be consequences to our actions, in spite of the fact that God forgives and forgets. Sin has a way to crawl back and bite us in so many different ways. Girls and boys that have had sex with the opposite sex before marriage will never forget their first time. They may have repented and God has fully forgiven them and they are on their way to heaven, but they will have battles in their minds remembering the first or multiple intimate relationship they've had in the past. This is why God forbids fornication, to protect us from harming our future marital relationship. Again, when it comes to marriage it's not only about marrying a virgin, but also someone that has a similar calling in life. This will avoid you many troubles. If you were my son, I'd definitely recommend you to marry a virgin, a girl that has kept herself unto the Lord. So don't allow yourself to be intimidated by the foolishness of those that would ridicule your decision to marry a virgin. I pray you find the right person for you.

GodBlessed777 · May 18, 2015

I believe that this is a personal choice. Usually people that have had sex before marriage use these type or argument to explain away the importance of being a virgin and keeping oneself unto the Lord. I do believe that the Lord forgives and forgets (he casts our sin away unto the depths of the sea). But the problem is not the Lord or His promise, it's the human battlefield of the mind. People that have had sex before marriage do have some consequences in life, with some it could be minor and with other mayor. Therefore, I do believe that virginity is very important. Otherwise God would have not commanded us to abstain from fornication.

Bradley Harris · May 18, 2015

Kudos for your desire to keep God's commandments.

If the lady's virginity is all that important, best ask her now. Going much further without asking would be stringing her along.

I wonder, though, whether you're asking the right question of the right person. Ask this lady whether she's a virgin, and you'll get, presumably, a fact. Seems to me, though, that you might ask God and get some guidance.

Were it true that a Christian should only marry a virgin, then the vast majority of us would be outright unmarryable.

Why not concern yourself with, rather than the lady's past, the matter of who she is now, and who she is becoming by the grace of God?

Hypothesis...Suppose this lady is (in other respects) your foremost choice, the best possible woman for you. Then suppose that, in my bizarre little hypothetical world, that your second best choice is a virgin who last week robbed a liquor store...or committed any other sin you care to name. Would you take that second choice? Would you shun women altogether?

My advice...Ask her if you must. Then get over it.

Cappadocious · May 18, 2015

Yes.

I think what you're calling purity is really resentment and fear. So I would think the first step would be to understand that what you feel when you think about women being impure has nothing to do with Christ, but rather has to do with your fallen existence. Instead of being a common sense, godly reaction to sin, what you're experiencing is actually a result of your own fallen condition. You are taking something fallen inside of yourself and placing it on people in the world.

It is difficult to fight this. It involves letting go of a sinful habit: The habit of fantasizing about others doing things you resent. It will probably be a lifelong fight with many losses. But you're worth it, and the women in your life are worth it. Christ says so on both counts.

kingmattj · May 18, 2015

If you are having feelings for her, and her for you, I wouldn't let a past sexual encounter stand in the way of what could be a great and long lasting relationship.

Imagine if you had had sex on a whim a few years back, and then decided to abstain. Now imagine if she asks you the same question... How do you feel? You feel judged because of something you did in the past, and over something rather small to be honest. Not that sex is small, but I certainly wouldn't let the fact that she MIGHT not be a virgin stand between what could be a good relationship.

Besides, even if she isn't, she might be able to teach you a few things down the road... ;-)

Good luck...

Matt

GodBlessed777 · May 18, 2015

I strongly disagree. Resentment and fear have nothing to do with the desire of marrying a girl that has kept herself unto the Lord as a virgin. This is a good thing, if he can find the right person for him.

paulm50 · May 18, 2015

Jesuys had little to say on the matter, so you'll have to take the word of old men holding a book and telling you what he thought. While reading maybe what Paul thought.

The truth is women have a [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse] in order to enjoy sex. Masturbation and sex are medically healthy for us. Also the Bible talks of Spilling Seed as being a sin. Proof that bit was written by MEN. God would know sperm isn't a seed, and female's don't spill anything when they touch. After all he did create us.

IMO if virginity is your top priority. Ask her. If she's says no, save her a lot of pain and don't marry here.

girLoNfiRe1 · May 18, 2015

If it's love, why should one thing such as her virginity, determine whether you should pursue a faithful, happy relationship / marriage together in the future.

bmojsilo · May 18, 2015

I understand you. You want someone who's as pure as you are down there. There's nothing wrong with having a preference for your life mate. However, in today's day and age it is a somewhat an unreal expectation.

As far as asking the girl if she's a virgin, I suggest just straight out asking it. I had two girlfriends and so far and I straight out asked them, and both times I got a straight answer.

A word of advice though, if you feel the girl is the one and she's not a virgin - I would ask you to consider whether you want to wait for another chance with another girl for who knows how many years and end up staying alone. Or you will want a girl that you already love and may not be a virgin. The fact is you're 19 and if you want to marry someone who's not a virgin - especially in the US - finding a girl that you'll be attracted to and fall in love that's a virgin is highly unlikely, and the only virgins are 12-year-olds and having a sexual attraction to them is both immoral and illegal in today's society.

You can also simply post an ad on craigslist too for a Christian maiden that's 18+ years old.

Winken · May 18, 2015

Soldier777 · May 18, 2015

If you like a girl and your are not dating, is whether she is a virgin any of your business? I'm a guy and as far as I know, unless you are in a relationship/engaged with a woman with future marriage potential, only then is it your business. Whether or not a woman who is a Christian is a virgin is between her and God, and who she chooses to tell.

When Christ was on earth, he had conversations and was friends with all kinds of women, even prostitutes and he treated everyone the same - they were all sinners tha tneeded a friend and a Savior.

Ken Rank · May 18, 2015

Brother, I commend you. My wife was a virgin, I was not. I wish I had been but I didn't learn until later. The idea of "trying something out" or that one needs to have sex before marriage comes from a lawless religious culture that seems to think God has changed, He has not. I think your attitude is correct, I think most people won't think so and you'll just need to stand strong against those who have determined to make the bible fit their lives....rather than fitting their lives to the bible! A potential wife in Messiah's day was a virgin, today that same woman has had many partners all leaving some DNA behind. Stick to your guns, ignore the lawless and remember, God does NOT change, man does! Ask her, get it out of the way, be gentle about it and you'll know soon enough. Blessings!

Aner · May 18, 2015

The woman I am with now has probably been with more than 50 men... yeah, a little disconcerting.

To be honest, what really matters is not your ideology. What really matters is where God wants you to be. One of the prophets had to marry a harlot. Try that one for size (I guess I am...). Do you perceive - and does she perceive that God wants you moving together towards a marital relationship? towards any kind of relationship?? Isn't that what the Kingdom is all about - submission to the Lord Jesus Christ. Start with that rather than an ideological preconception.

And best wishes in Christ!

malvina · May 18, 2015

Christians are not perfect - they are forgiven. What one does prior to being a Christian - and even after with repentance is
Forgiven by Jesus, buried and dropped in the deep blue sea. If it's good enough for God to accept us as we are it then
should be good enough for us to do the same. Jesus lived as an example for us to follow. A prostitute is very close to His
heart - the reason being - 'Because they KNOW and confess their sin', very few of us do this and we all have them. Being
a virgin doesn't make us any better then anyone else although it's a good path to follow.
God Bless You

Domenico · May 18, 2015

No, it's not wrong. It's not wrong to base your marriage wishes on pretty much anything that's legal. In your case, it's not even sexist - you are holding yourself to the same standard. (There are some non-virgin men who demand their wife be a virgin and those guys are sexist - because they're putting different expectations on women than themselves.)

But it is on you to make it clear that you don't want to be in a serious relationship with someone who isn't a virgin. Don't ask her about her sexual status early - say what your expectations are early. Maybe she's a virgin, but doesn't want to be with someone who would discount non-virgins. It's your deal-breaker, so you need to use your words and tell her about it.

And if you find out she's not a virgin and you get angry or upset because she didn't save herself for you back when she made a decision (or had a decision made for her) before she even knew you existed - that is wrong. It's wrong to consider the state of her virginity the only important thing about her, or a valid indicator of the type of person that she is, or the thing that determines her worth. You may decide you don't want to have a relationship with her, but that doesn't make her a s**t, a harlot, or any of the other names that get thrown at women.

If you do want to have a relationship (with anyone), talking about your sexual history is a very important thing to do, for both of you. You're a virgin - your ideas around sex aren't going to be shaped by actual experience, and that's something in itself: you're going to do a lot of learning in your sexual encounters, even if those are in marriage, and your partner might not wish to take that on. You might discover that technically the woman you're interested in isn't a virgin because she was sexually assaulted as a child or an adult. As someone upthread said - that kind of thing can take a lot of time, even within a loving marriage, to move past. You might find that actually, this person isn't a virgin because they decided to have sex, and even enjoyed it - but that she had safe sex, and has had things like STI tests, and knows that her decisions have had no lasting physical consequences.

So, in sum: You're not wrong to have this as a dealbreaker - but you have to lay it on the table as something you want, not ask her and then get upset because she doesn't meet your requirements. And talking about sex and sexual history is important for any serious relationship and more people need to do it.

Cappadocious · May 18, 2015

Here's a weird but acceptable read of the OP that is in line with what you're saying if I'm being charitable: OP is concerned for the girl's own sake,because that means she won't have as much healing to do in this life or the next. However, that sort of loving concern for the Other is clearly not what OP is talking about.

Almost nobody has always been a virgin because we all harlot against God. However, God can make harlots virgins as he pleases. This is the New Testament.

Do you deny that God can make anyone he chooses to be a virgin?

Preacherbob · May 18, 2015

Okay, I have read some of the responses and frankly I am a little disturbed by them. It is obvious to me that many of you do not truely study and learn from the scriptures. What is also obvious is that many of you like to make up the rules as you like them rather than following the good advice we are given in those same scriptures! Keep going the way you are and you might just make up a new theology and perhaps a new god. Corinth was named so by the Romans because it was so, "corrupt" (true translation) whereby sex was the name of the game. Temple prostitutes and the whole gambit. It is no wonder why many non-believing people today go to church to find a shack up. Wolves seeking to devour the innocent.

Now, to the question at hand.
On the subject of virginity, perhaps you might not have thought of what she thinks about the subject. Both ladies and gentlemen have virtually the same thoughts about sex but some are a little sheepish about conversing on the subject. It would be appropriate, while studying Mary and Joseph, to start a conversation regarding Mary and the charges she faced because she was pregnant with our Saviour and not fully married. You can also get into the conversation regarding virginity and let the conversation swing to the more personal. She might be wanting to ask you the same questions that you wish to ask her, and the comparative study might give you the opening you need for such a conversation.

You, my dear friend and brother, are to be commended for your standards. But, do remember, agape love has no conditions attached to it. Love is still love no matter what the circumstance.

WhitherWhist · May 18, 2015

What is your reason for only wanting to marry a virgin? Is that reason selfish or is it centered on the other person?

If you are going into marriage for what you will get out of it, your marriage WILL fail and that dishonors God. The only way to have a lifelong marriage is to think about what's best for the other person and for your relationship.

If your reason for wanting to marry a virgin is for her/his virginity to be a trophy you can brag about, that's selfish and dishonorable.

High Fidelity · May 18, 2015

I don't think it's unreasonable.

If the woman has claimed to be a Christian for her whole life, or at least from the teens, I'd definitely consider it a measure of faith because it's a conscious decision, not a mistake.

They may regret it, but it wasn't accidental.

Is it wrong to only want to marry a Virgin

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