Is it selfish to oppose workaholism?

Fivesenses

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How can I get my parents to see that workaholism is a real problem that can potentially destroy a family? Both of my parents believe that it is selfish for a wife to be unhappy if she believes that the man is overworking - they are of the mindset that diligence and hard work are positive traits and if a woman complains then she is hindering her husband's potential at work or receiving promotions. I've told them in some conversations that I would rather remain unmarried and single than enter into a marriage knowing that my potential husband had workaholic problems, but refused to call it a problem or deal with before marriage. I don't believe in changing a man (and I'm not suppose to) but my parents continue to call me self-centred for wanting a husband to focus on me rather than his work or accomplishments (I don't see why these two cannot co-exist as I'm trying to say that there needs to be a balance). It has been this way for generations in my family (absent husband and father) but I want to break the cycle.

1. I agree that diligence and hard work are important traits but what I was trying to say is that there must be a balance of priorities (be diligent and hardworking at work when it is work time then the same outside of work too). When work interferes and damages relationship with family, God, and your health then it needs to be reassessed. I believe that work promotions are good but I admire husbands who have turned down work promotions because they know it will pull them even further away from their families. My parents apparently don't consider so. They consider it purely selfish on the wife's part to influence her husband to turn down a work promotion for the family's sake. A man who prioritises God first though would not neglect his wife and children for his work. I'm determined to pray this over my future husband (if there is one).

2. Even though my mum use to get so upset at my father for never being around when the kids were growing up, which was the cause of their fractured relationship, she seems to take the same side about this. This has left me very confused. My father is very much less involved in our matters and it was always mum who did the discipline stuff etc I don't want a husband who has so little time that it is up to the wife to go to all the concerts, events, meetings. When I talked about my dad as a kid, it was always associated with his work and I still have trouble separating the two even today. He use to just burst out in anger because he was so tired and I avoided in-depth discussion or confrontations because I knew he was not in the mood to have a conversation.

3. I believe that marriage is a very high calling and it requires intentional effort and time. People can say "quality time" matters but how can you have "quality" time when you don't bother to put in the "quantity"? When a husband returns home late every night and has no mood or energy left for talking, intimacy, date nights - then throw in kids, in-laws, ministry.
I grew up believing that marriage is the place where romance dies until God changed my heart on this issue.
 
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Amazing Horse

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If you are both christians then there are some things . You should obey your husband as long as he is not telling you to do sinful things (Ephesians 5:22-23) , however he need to love you and put you below God but above of any material thing , so if money is more important for him than you then he has problem ( Ephesians 5:25) because money is root of evil ( 1 Timothy 6:10) .

You can do many things about that , his body belong to you if you are married ( 1 Corinthians 7:4) so you can tell him that you are not satisfied of him when he is exchausted after work , tell him that he should come sometime at least few hours earlier than usually , if he can't then maybe let him work few days more than he does ( if he come to home 10 pm then might aswell come 12 pm ) but then next few days should come home at 8pm insteed of 10 pm so he can spend time with you before you will go to sleep .
 
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timewerx

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Financial problem is a much bigger problem than workaholic.

A person is not wholly to blame for workaholism. In our deeply flawed country/society, it's very easy to become poor but rather very difficult for some people to even achieve financial stability. And it's quite miserable to lose a job and become poor. So it's not surprising some people will become workaholic desperately holding to whatever they have.

All the top 5 countries with highest "satisfaction of life" index have exeptionally generous welfare systems. Meaning their citizens don't even need to hold a job in order to have sustainably high standards of living!

There are seldom, if any workaholics in these places. My cousin lives in one of these countries and the people don't even care about money! And there's virtually no poverty!:eek::eek: :swoon::swoon::swoon:
 
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tturt

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fivesenses, you've made some very good points. That "American Dream" comes with a heavy price tag. Sometimes I wonder if that's where all the materialism stems from and actually seems to be the core of some families' relationship. See a lot of regret in your post that he wasn't with your mother and you so asking Yahweh to heal you. It's great that you'll be able to discuss this in advance of entering into a marriage. Or even more impact - you might consider doing a research study on the effects of the American dream now compared to the previous generation. You could view what research has already been done and how it affected their children and if it changed the next generation in their career selection, family dynamics, etc.
 
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Amazing Horse

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Well it's absolutely right for you to expect that. Too much work is bad for anyones health. Free time is necessary too, and fir tjose with a family even more so. It's better for you too to find someone you can be happy with rather then filling your mothers wishes.


Mark 10:9
Matthew 19:8

Also nice horses but mine is better .
 
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Roseonathorn

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You live only once, on the deathbed people rarely say I should have worked more. They more often regret that they did not spend more time with their family.
IMG_7876.JPG
 
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Amazing Horse

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Yes of course, but she's not married yet so I'm not advocating that she'd have to get divorced!

Yea you are right i'm blind sorry , i assumed since they live together they are married , i didn't read that "potential " husband part .
 
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grasping the after wind

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How can I get my parents to see that workaholism is a real problem that can potentially destroy a family? Both of my parents believe that it is selfish for a wife to be unhappy if she believes that the man is overworking - they are of the mindset that diligence and hard work are positive traits and if a woman complains then she is hindering her husband's potential at work or receiving promotions. I've told them in some conversations that I would rather remain unmarried and single than enter into a marriage knowing that my potential husband had workaholic problems, but refused to call it a problem or deal with before marriage. I don't believe in changing a man (and I'm not suppose to) but my parents continue to call me self-centred for wanting a husband to focus on me rather than his work or accomplishments (I don't see why these two cannot co-exist as I'm trying to say that there needs to be a balance). It has been this way for generations in my family (absent husband and father) but I want to break the cycle.

1. I agree that diligence and hard work are important traits but what I was trying to say is that there must be a balance of priorities (be diligent and hardworking at work when it is work time then the same outside of work too). When work interferes and damages relationship with family, God, and your health then it needs to be reassessed. I believe that work promotions are good but I admire husbands who have turned down work promotions because they know it will pull them even further away from their families. My parents apparently don't consider so. They consider it purely selfish on the wife's part to influence her husband to turn down a work promotion for the family's sake. A man who prioritises God first though would not neglect his wife and children for his work. I'm determined to pray this over my future husband (if there is one).

2. Even though my mum use to get so upset at my father for never being around when the kids were growing up, which was the cause of their fractured relationship, she seems to take the same side about this. This has left me very confused. My father is very much less involved in our matters and it was always mum who did the discipline stuff etc I don't want a husband who has so little time that it is up to the wife to go to all the concerts, events, meetings. When I talked about my dad as a kid, it was always associated with his work and I still have trouble separating the two even today. He use to just burst out in anger because he was so tired and I avoided in-depth discussion or confrontations because I knew he was not in the mood to have a conversation.

3. I believe that marriage is a very high calling and it requires intentional effort and time. People can say "quality time" matters but how can you have "quality" time when you don't bother to put in the "quantity"? When a husband returns home late every night and has no mood or energy left for talking, intimacy, date nights - then throw in kids, in-laws, ministry.
I grew up believing that marriage is the place where romance dies until God changed my heart on this issue.


You seem to me to have your priorities well defined and well thought out. Convincing others that your priorities ought to take precedence over theirs is a losing proposition. Therefore i wouldn't attempt it. For you to pursue marriage in the way you see fit it is not necessary to get buy in from anyone but the person you marry. That being the case, there is no need to convince anyone not married to you of anything. You inform others of your views and either they accept them or not. If they do not agree then either they recognize you have a different view and accept you anyway or they reject you for having a mind of your own. If the latter is the case, it is their loss not yours. You do not have to reject them in response.
 
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All4Christ

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Yea you are right i'm blind sorry , i assumed since they live together they are married , i didn't read that "potential " husband part .
I must have missed the part where they live together.
 
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All4Christ

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LoricaLady

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I would guess you have already told your parents how you feel on this issue. Advice that is not sought is generally ignored, sometimes resented. Words have their place for sure in life, but many times they are useless. Your prayers are more effective in the long run. Try to just accept your parents as they are and not stress out over this issue.
 
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Poppyseed78

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From your other posts about your parents, my observation is that your mother has resigned herself to how her life is. She might be projecting her sense of defeat with regard to your father's workaholism onto you, and she might actually be offended that you are questioning how they live their lives. In my opinion it's best not to discuss this with them further, as they are set in their ways and not likely to change their minds.

The only thing you can do is focus on your own life and how you want your future marriage to be. Your parents' beliefs are irrelevant. Personally I agree with you on this issue and believe that there should be a work/life balance, with the family being the top priority. This is something that should be discussed with your future husband, preferably without the input of your family.
 
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Kit Sigmon

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You're 24...so your parents are fixed on what they believe...and from all you say both of them are in agreement and that's how they do their marriage.
If you say something to them about their choices, chances are they won't "hear" what you have to say because all in the family have benefitted from the fruits of their labors.
Those who are fixed in their ways rarely change unless something major happens
and some don't change even then. I learned this by working in health care for
over twenty years and from witnessing this in my own family and community.
 
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Rescued One

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My parents divorced after eleven years. They had no common interests or goals. My father believed that higher education was the only way to not be a loser and to be successful. My mother wanted him to be more like her dad who was a blue-collar worker. My father was all about appearances: clothes, perfect manners, impressive car, social life. My mother didn't care about any of that ever. She resented the fact that my father wanted to take college classes at night because she wanted more attention given to her and the children. When my father remarried, he got the wife he wanted until his mid-life crisis.

I married a man from a blue-collar village and culture. He had been taught to work hard and he worked at two jobs most of our married life. We never divorced. I like nice clothes, but less expensive ones than my father. I would have to say that I'm slightly more like my father in that regard --- maybe because he criticized my mother's choices when she bought me clothes, and sometimes I was embarrassed at school.

So I didn't get as much attention as my mother desired in a marriage, but I tolerated the situation because I saw a reason for it. My husband went to college when he was in his forties.

Husband and wife should want the same things out of life; if they find some differences they should compromise. For some people compromise isn't an option and, therefore, the couple will become disatisfied.
 
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Too many factors to pin down narrow answers.
Some people love their work and think nothing of 70 hour work weeks.
Some people want to start a nice nest egg when young, so they hit work hard while there is energy and no kids.
Some people are content with less and know how to budget and less income works.
Then of course some people start out saying they don't want a lot of material things...until they do.
A couple has to set goals and work as a team, no matter the plan or failure to see that plan through.
Been married 25 years. I had a rather dangerous job with lots of hours. It drove my wife crazy and I left it fo a private sector job with less hazard and better pay, but lots of travel. I was missing out on baby time. I scaled back job to local work and home a lot with less money. We made it work and we live well...but the cushion came from about 8 years of living to work.

It's all about choices, faith in God to provide and the contract of marriage to see each other through. Life changes so be flexible.

And by the way, someone misquoted scripture somewhere back there. Money is not the root of all evil. The LOVE of money is.
 
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