Is it my fault..?

[pastellee]

~

 

[Valetic]

We don't always see what the devil's kingdom is up to, but we can certainly see the aftermath of it. You did nothing wrong in this one as far as I'm concerned. Don't blame yourself, you just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. I'm sure God does not hold you accountable for anything you were ignorant of.

 

[Take Heart]

Regardless of your actions, he sounds like a creep. Honestly, I'm glad God closed that door as he obviously isn't the one you were meant to be with. I know you're hurting right now, but I'm glad you decided to find out for yourself. You saved yourself a lot of further heartache if you were to still be together. You are worth more than what he's put you through. He's not even worth a second thought. Boy bye.

 

[redleghunter]

Hello...

I had actually written in before about a similar issue...

But I've been having some self-condemning thoughts... So I was hoping I could get some objective/ spiritual points of view to counter/prove the validity of these thoughts...

What happened was that I had gotten to know this guy 2 years ago... At that time, the both of us got along well, and we could talk to each other about many things. Before long however, I started liking him, and did confess to him. However, he rejected me saying that he had already liked someone else (that he had not gotten to know at that time, yet). But he still wanted to see me, so we started going out from time to time.

Once in a while, while we saw each other, I would ask about his progress with the other girl he liked. Initially, he would be open to confiding in me about her. However, not long after, he would suddenly start to hide his relationship development with her, and give all sorts of contradicting replies when I asked him about it... One moment, he would say that he had not been talking to her. Another moment, he would say that he could talk to her about anything...

I became very confused, and decided to find out the truth of the matter for myself. I added that girl on social media, and found out that she had been talking to him a lot, and that over time, had grown close to him. Not long after however, she started to change her statements to match the guy's. She began asserting that she had not been talking to him at all. I found it fishy, and was getting tired of that guy's games, so I confronted him through text. After that, that girl ended up deleting me from social media, and that guy started to ignore my messages.

What happened since then, was that that girl found out how much this guy had been liking her. And though she was already attached, got flattered, and started to cheat on her boyfriend, with this guy.

I'm not very sure if prior to my involvement she had already found out that this guy was holding a torch for her, but i believe that she did find out after i came into the picture. And i have many thoughts that condemn me... Saying that if I had not tried to find out the truth, the girl would not have been impressed by that guy's seeming devotion to her, and thus started to cheat on her boyfriend with him...

But I too felt like I was being strung along by this guy. He would get physically intimate with me, yet run away each time I wanted a proper relationship with him. It also turned out that he had been confiding in this woman about me. I felt very betrayed by him, as I was his close friend initially, who trusted him. But ever since he started to get to know this woman more closely, he begun to ignore me, and lie to me that he had been busy with work, when he was in fact getting to know her very closely.

I really find it despicable too, that he would deliberately go ahead and cheat with this woman, on her boyfriend (who also happens to be his friend). That he turned out so untrustworthy, and so lacking in morals.

I've been very hurt ever since I found out the truth, and about the truth about this guy's character as well. I genuinely wanted to be a good and true friend to him, but he only took advantage of the fact that I liked him, to serve as his ego boost, and as a means of appearing more desirable to the other woman he liked better, and whose relationship he begun to hide from me over time.

At the same time, he was taking physical advantage of me, and tried to have intimate relations with me on several occasions despite not wanting to be with me.

Though we did not end up doing anything wrong with one another, I still feel very hurt by his betrayal, yet at the same time unable to let this and probably him, go as well. He has been trying to avoid meeting up with me to clarify the situation, but instead, been going on intimate trips with that already attached woman, and using this entire situation to his advantage, to get closer to her.

I feel so indignant, used, cheated, and left very confused. Besides the heart that has been hurting immensely, and the anger that boils within, I've been having thoughts that if I had not tried to find the truth out by adding her on social media, they might not have grown closer and thus cheated with one another.

Is this thought really true?

Sounds like if you ever have a serious relationship with this man he would end up being unfaithful.

Recommend going to church and meeting people your age there.

 

[paul1149]

, I've been having thoughts that if I had not tried to find the truth out by adding her on social media, they might not have grown closer and thus cheated with one another.

After all the games and confusion, it's understandable that you wanted to know the truth. Each person is responsible for their own actions. She for hers, he for his. And I think you need to guard your heart better and make sure the guy you spend time with is serious about you and respect proper boundaries. Prove him, step by step. That way you won't get so deeply entangled in messy relationships.

 

[Presbyterian Continuist]

Hello...

I had actually written in before about a similar issue...

But I've been having some self-condemning thoughts... So I was hoping I could get some objective/ spiritual points of view to counter/prove the validity of these thoughts...

What happened was that I had gotten to know this guy 2 years ago... At that time, the both of us got along well, and we could talk to each other about many things. Before long however, I started liking him, and did confess to him. However, he rejected me saying that he had already liked someone else (that he had not gotten to know at that time, yet). But he still wanted to see me, so we started going out from time to time.

Once in a while, while we saw each other, I would ask about his progress with the other girl he liked. Initially, he would be open to confiding in me about her. However, not long after, he would suddenly start to hide his relationship development with her, and give all sorts of contradicting replies when I asked him about it... One moment, he would say that he had not been talking to her. Another moment, he would say that he could talk to her about anything...

I became very confused, and decided to find out the truth of the matter for myself. I added that girl on social media, and found out that she had been talking to him a lot, and that over time, had grown close to him. Not long after however, she started to change her statements to match the guy's. She began asserting that she had not been talking to him at all. I found it fishy, and was getting tired of that guy's games, so I confronted him through text. After that, that girl ended up deleting me from social media, and that guy started to ignore my messages.

What happened since then, was that that girl found out how much this guy had been liking her. And though she was already attached, got flattered, and started to cheat on her boyfriend, with this guy.

I'm not very sure if prior to my involvement she had already found out that this guy was holding a torch for her, but i believe that she did find out after i came into the picture. And i have many thoughts that condemn me... Saying that if I had not tried to find out the truth, the girl would not have been impressed by that guy's seeming devotion to her, and thus started to cheat on her boyfriend with him...

But I too felt like I was being strung along by this guy. He would get physically intimate with me, yet run away each time I wanted a proper relationship with him. It also turned out that he had been confiding in this woman about me. I felt very betrayed by him, as I was his close friend initially, who trusted him. But ever since he started to get to know this woman more closely, he begun to ignore me, and lie to me that he had been busy with work, when he was in fact getting to know her very closely.

I really find it despicable too, that he would deliberately go ahead and cheat with this woman, on her boyfriend (who also happens to be his friend). That he turned out so untrustworthy, and so lacking in morals.

I've been very hurt ever since I found out the truth, and about the truth about this guy's character as well. I genuinely wanted to be a good and true friend to him, but he only took advantage of the fact that I liked him, to serve as his ego boost, and as a means of appearing more desirable to the other woman he liked better, and whose relationship he begun to hide from me over time.

At the same time, he was taking physical advantage of me, and tried to have intimate relations with me on several occasions despite not wanting to be with me.

Though we did not end up doing anything wrong with one another, I still feel very hurt by his betrayal, yet at the same time unable to let this and probably him, go as well. He has been trying to avoid meeting up with me to clarify the situation, but instead, been going on intimate trips with that already attached woman, and using this entire situation to his advantage, to get closer to her.

I feel so indignant, used, cheated, and left very confused. Besides the heart that has been hurting immensely, and the anger that boils within, I've been having thoughts that if I had not tried to find the truth out by adding her on social media, they might not have grown closer and thus cheated with one another.

Is this thought really true?

It may be good for you to consider the difference between actual guilt before God and psychological guilt. If you have received Christ, then your actual and real moral guilt has been removed through the finished work of Christ on the cross and through His resurrection.

But we can have psychological guilt feelings because we have a sense of our shortcomings and failures. It is the religious perfectionist who suffers from this the most. He or she wants to be able to live a perfectly holy life, and has serious guilt feelings because they cannot achieve what they are desiring. But are these guilt feelings an indication that we are actually guilty before God. I think not, otherwise the death of Christ on the cross and His resurrection would mean basically nothing.

 

[pastellee]

~

 

[paul1149]

I would walk away. You have given him fair warning, that is the extent of your responsibility at this point, considering what he's done. Now shake the dust off and walk away, and focus on your own walk with the Lord. And be careful about getting entangled again.

 

[pastellee]

~

 

[Holoman]

He's a grown man not a puppet. He's responsible for his own actions and you did nothing wrong. I don't think you need to warn him any further if you've already said it. I think it would be best to just cut him out of your life.

 

[paul1149]

Thank you for your reply and for the advice

But actually could I confirm the logic of my thoughts? i have thoughts saying that because i chased the guy, he got inspired to chase someone else. and because i aroused him, he got hungry for intimate relations with other women. Would such thoughts be accurate? Would it be my fault that he became the way he is now?

Also, would it be a good idea to warn him face to face? cos i only ambiguously warned him on facebook previously. Maybe it would be a good idea to try to find a way to speak to him directly?

I'm not there to judge intimately, but from what I've gleaned here you've already given some kind of warning. And he seems to have rejected you and your considerations? It may be that you would just be going in for worse punishment.

My impression here, FWIW, is that you are overthinking this and taking too much on yourself. There is a point where he will answer for his own choices, and nothing anyone contributed can change that. Where that line is each of us needs to determine for ourselves. But for me, I would admit where I went wrong and possibly express regret about that, and then, considering the choices he's since made, walk away. IOW, take responsibility for your part, and leave the rest to him, where it belongs. I've done that a few times, and it works. Get yourself out of the way and give him the freedom to make his own choices, even if you don't agree with them.

Abide in prayer about it, and try to get a sense of peace on the way you should go. There is a point where you have done enough. Find that place, and then "having done all, stand" (eph 6).

 

[JCFantasy23]

I don't think you did anything wrong. The guy sounds like he doesn't mind playing the field a bit and isn't fully honest. It is not your fault that they cheated. Sometimes when people find something out, they do the wrong thing with it, but the person providing that knowledge isn't at fault for that.

I bet the situation definitely is hurtful, but you are better off not involved.